Who Should Care for Grandma?

[Pea-n-Me]

When it comes to things like taking medication correctly and safety from falls, not eating inappropriate foods, etc, if these things are an issue for her and involved in her continued hospitalizations, then she will undoubtedly need more than an occasional sitter or driver. She will need someone there steadily and this will probably be required to be in place before she can be released from the hospital or rehab to home (at some point if this continues, if not now). You have not said what her hospitalizations have been for but I do think it factors into the picture here. (Up to you whether you want to say or not, so can only speak generally without more details.)

Assisted Living laws vary by state. In this state, in order to be in assisted living, people need to be able to do things for themselves with minimal assistance, including taking pills. They can be handed to them but they have to be able to take them themselves. When it gets to the point that they need more than that, by definition they require skilled care, ie a nursing home, then.

Of course there's the issue of payment for any of these options - including sitters, students, assisted living, nursing home, etc. Which often puts people in a pickle because costs can be extremely high for anything you choose once you start adding it up. The thing that people have to remember is that whatever resources Grandma has are hers to help her live out her life, and not necessarily automatically her heirs to inherit down the road. Whether Grandma has proceeds from the "sale" of her house to your brother or outright owns the house, unfortunately this will have to be used in order to keep Grandma cared for and safe. (And keeping her cared for and safe is required by law, otherwise it's considered neglect.) You haven't addressed this in your post, but reading through the lines I'm assuming payment is going to be part of the problem here. If her resources are "gone", then she'll qualify for Medicaid. Today there is a "look back" period of five years or more to evaluate her finances when she applies for Medicaid (public assistance).

I think Bumbershoot had a good thought when she mentioned maybe you or your sister moving in with Grandma now if one of you will be moving in there eventually. Another poster mentioned they used a reverse mortgage to pay for their Grandma's expenses. These are some of the things that can be done. Or moving out with Ruth or assisted living, etc. I don't know that there really is a way to do this cost free without burning everyone out and causing hard feelings in your family as it stands right now for you all. Just something to keep in mind when thinking of how you'll pay for whatever needs Grandma has from here on forward. It's unfortunate but the way it works for all of us with the laws and the costs being what they are today.

ETA

My brother owns Grandma's house.....long story. June and Grandma pay him 'rent'. None of us want to or are willing to sell the house. My mother and grandmother designed it, and my father did a lot of the construction himself. It is next door to my brother's home, on some acreage, and in a pretty private setting, so we consider the two houses like one estate and don't want any non-family members living there. My brother is hoping that after grandma is gone, that me, my sister, or his wife's sister's and family will live there.

I am going out on a limb here and guessing that this is part of the resentment towards your brother and his wife somehow. They "benefit", yet aren't doing their share. Correct? Not saying it's not understandable, just sayhing that these can be part of what helps brew resentment in many families.

 

[ilovemk76]

I'm looking for some outside, unbiased opinions on a situation in my family having to do with the care of a senior.

First some background info on who in the family:
Grandmother - Estelle, age 83
Her Daughter - June, aunt to the grandchildren
Estelle's Three Grandchildren:
Josh - has a wife and two kids.
Marnie - college student
Me, Abby - unemployed twenty-something.

Everyone except June lives in the same town. Josh and his family live next door to grandma Estelle.

June lives in MO, the rest of us are in FL.

Grandma Estelle's other daughter, my mother Sara, passed away a year ago after a three year battle with cancer. Sara lived next door to her mother Estelle and was the 'caregiver'. Grandma Estelle lives alone and didn't need supervision or 24-7 care, but she is elderly and needs help from time to time. Sara was her go-to person for many years due to the proximity, but obviously that situation has changed because Sara died before her mother.

My siblings and I spent the last three years acting as caregivers to our mother while she was battling cancer. In the last six months of her life, she required 24-7 care, so we three children took turns caring for her. Her sister June flew down occasionally to help out several times over the course of Sara's illness, but it was mainly me and my sister, Marnie, who provided the bulk of care for our mother.

My mother's death has dramatically worsened grandma Estelle's health. She's still living alone and I try to go over a couple times of week to help her with chores she can't do - things we call 'tall person' jobs, or things that require strength in the hands since Estelle has arthritis.

Due to the fact that I am jobless and have the closest relationship with grandma, I am the one who helps her and cares for her a good 70% of the time that she needs it. However, looking for a job is a full-time job, and I lose days of searching when I have to take grandma to the doctor and such.

My sister Marnie is a student, but she only took two classes last semester, and is in the three this semester. She will graduate in April.

Josh works full time, and has two grade school aged kids. His wife, Dawn, doesn't really work (she is a massage therapist, but only gives a few massages a week - so a stay at home mom for the most part).

In the past month, Grandma Estelle has been in the hospital three times and she's there again now.

The family is angry and resentful of each other because everyone feels like the other members aren't participating in Grandma's care. The one area where the three grandchildren unite is that we think June, Estelle's daughter, should be more physically involved. She is on the phone with Grandma several times a day and they are close, so I don't want to make it sound like she's uninvolved. But she lives 1000 miles away....so she's not the one who gets the call in the middle of the night when Grandma needs to go to the hospital or during the week when Grandma needs groceries and isn't up to shopping for them herself.

June has a husband, a house, and a life in MO. Grandma has the bulk of her family, her house, her pets, and friends in FL. She is an extremely stubborn lady and is attached to her home of 35 years.

What happens when I finally find a job? I won't be available to take grandma to the doctor. I will only have weekends to help.

Should June have to move here to take responsibility for her mother? Should Grandma be forced to move to live with June? Should everyone be splitting the care equally?

A nursing home is out of the question, due to cost, and mainly Grandma's complete unwillingness to even consider ever living in one. She isn't at the point yet either....but she does need a lot of help.

Me and my siblings feel like we have done our duty in caring for our mother in her last years. I think we all feel like the bulk of burden with Grandma shouldn't fall on our shoulders since we are her grandkids, not her children.

What is your opinion on the matter?

The responsibility of taking care of Grandma is Grandma's responsibility. If she wants to call the shots on where she lives then she will have to take on the difficulty that comes with that.

June should not have to move 1000 miles just because her Mother will not leave her home. June is owed a life the same as her Mother.

I vote for assisted living for Grandma. Sell the house to pay for it.

People - This is why everybody needs LTC insurance. Children our not your personal caretakers. You have children to love, nurture and then let them fly on their own.

 

[hereyago]

The responsibility of taking care of Grandma is Grandma's responsibility. If she wants to call the shots on where she lives then she will have to take on the difficulty that comes with that.

June should not have to move 1000 miles just because her Mother will not leave her home. June is owed a life the same as her Mother.

I vote for assisted living for Grandma. Sell the house to pay for it.

People - This is why everybody needs LTC insurance. Children our not your personal caretakers. You have children to love, nurture and then let them fly on their own.

Ding ding ding we have a winner!

 

[torinsmom]

You know, hate to sound repetitive-I used to have these feeling too-until my Mom got into the wonderful place she is in. Not all nursing homes are these terrible places people envision-not at all.

Although I respect your experience, these are my mom's feelings, and I plan to respect them as long as I am able. Her best friend died a few months ago in a nursing home. Every day when she visited, her friend cried that she wanted to go home. Her husband and daughter just didn't want to deal with her. My mom swears she died of a broken heart combined with less than optimal supervision. My mom's mom was fairly well taken care of in a nursing home, but only because one of the sibliings was there every day. Many of the residents who didn't have people visiting were left to sit in their feces and urine and strapped into chairs for most of the day. She has such bad memories of that place that I wouldn't ever do that to her unless there was no other choice.

If my mom or dad has dementia or Alzheimer's and needs more specialized care, I will consider a nursing home then with me visiting every day. My parents don't have long term care insurance and don't have a lot of funds to help, so they would most likely be stuck with whatever we or the state could pay for. I'm a teacher, and have the option of moving to her district, which is only 50 miles away if need me. I would move back in with them to help. Luckily, my mom and dad are both in good health and my sister and I are both in state, with my brother being about 5 hours away by car. They own their home outright, so a reverse mortgage would be an option as well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The responsibility of taking care of Grandma is Grandma's responsibility. If she wants to call the shots on where she lives then she will have to take on the difficulty that comes with that.

June should not have to move 1000 miles just because her Mother will not leave her home. June is owed a life the same as her Mother.

I vote for assisted living for Grandma. Sell the house to pay for it.

People - This is why everybody needs LTC insurance. Children our not your personal caretakers. You have children to love, nurture and then let them fly on their own.

Yep.

ETA....

While I appreciate that the OP is adamant about nursing homes killing grandma, you cannot base your life on that notion.

And frankly expecting June to come and take care of her is absurd.

If grandma is unable to care for herself properly then work out a schedule of care between the in town people.

If people refuse to work out a schedule then tell them she has to go into a nursing home the next time she is hospitalized. At some point you have to go with what is right for grandma medically and not what you LIKE to see happen.

 

[goofy!]

I'm looking for some outside, unbiased opinions on a situation in my family having to do with the care of a senior.

First some background info on who in the family:
Grandmother - Estelle, age 83
Her Daughter - June, aunt to the grandchildren
Estelle's Three Grandchildren:
Josh - has a wife and two kids.
Marnie - college student
Me, Abby - unemployed twenty-something.

Everyone except June lives in the same town. Josh and his family live next door to grandma Estelle.

June lives in MO, the rest of us are in FL.

Grandma Estelle's other daughter, my mother Sara, passed away a year ago after a three year battle with cancer. Sara lived next door to her mother Estelle and was the 'caregiver'. Grandma Estelle lives alone and didn't need supervision or 24-7 care, but she is elderly and needs help from time to time. Sara was her go-to person for many years due to the proximity, but obviously that situation has changed because Sara died before her mother.

My siblings and I spent the last three years acting as caregivers to our mother while she was battling cancer. In the last six months of her life, she required 24-7 care, so we three children took turns caring for her. Her sister June flew down occasionally to help out several times over the course of Sara's illness, but it was mainly me and my sister, Marnie, who provided the bulk of care for our mother.

My mother's death has dramatically worsened grandma Estelle's health. She's still living alone and I try to go over a couple times of week to help her with chores she can't do - things we call 'tall person' jobs, or things that require strength in the hands since Estelle has arthritis.

Due to the fact that I am jobless and have the closest relationship with grandma, I am the one who helps her and cares for her a good 70% of the time that she needs it. However, looking for a job is a full-time job, and I lose days of searching when I have to take grandma to the doctor and such.

My sister Marnie is a student, but she only took two classes last semester, and is in the three this semester. She will graduate in April.

Josh works full time, and has two grade school aged kids. His wife, Dawn, doesn't really work (she is a massage therapist, but only gives a few massages a week - so a stay at home mom for the most part).

In the past month, Grandma Estelle has been in the hospital three times and she's there again now.

The family is angry and resentful of each other because everyone feels like the other members aren't participating in Grandma's care. The one area where the three grandchildren unite is that we think June, Estelle's daughter, should be more physically involved. She is on the phone with Grandma several times a day and they are close, so I don't want to make it sound like she's uninvolved. But she lives 1000 miles away....so she's not the one who gets the call in the middle of the night when Grandma needs to go to the hospital or during the week when Grandma needs groceries and isn't up to shopping for them herself.

June has a husband, a house, and a life in MO. Grandma has the bulk of her family, her house, her pets, and friends in FL. She is an extremely stubborn lady and is attached to her home of 35 years.

What happens when I finally find a job? I won't be available to take grandma to the doctor. I will only have weekends to help.

Should June have to move here to take responsibility for her mother? Should Grandma be forced to move to live with June? Should everyone be splitting the care equally?

A nursing home is out of the question, due to cost, and mainly Grandma's complete unwillingness to even consider ever living in one. She isn't at the point yet either....but she does need a lot of help.

Me and my siblings feel like we have done our duty in caring for our mother in her last years. I think we all feel like the bulk of burden with Grandma shouldn't fall on our shoulders since we are her grandkids, not her children.

What is your opinion on the matter?

Look into getting a home health provider for a couple of hours everyday. Much cheaper and it would give the grandchildren some breathing room.

Depending on the circumstances, Medicare or if your Grandma had Long Term Insurance, might pay for it.

We are going through this with my mother right now. She is a stubborn lady and refuses to go into an assisted living situation. However, her LTC insurance just approved $150.00 a day for us to bring in a cleaning lady and somebody to help her plan meals and run errands, etc.

 

[Kellydelly]

The responsibility of taking care of Grandma is Grandma's responsibility. If she wants to call the shots on where she lives then she will have to take on the difficulty that comes with that.

June should not have to move 1000 miles just because her Mother will not leave her home. June is owed a life the same as her Mother.

I vote for assisted living for Grandma. Sell the house to pay for it.

People - This is why everybody needs LTC insurance. Children our not your personal caretakers. You have children to love, nurture and then let them fly on their own.

The house doesn't even belong to the grandmother.

There is a reason most people don't have LTC insurance, it is EXPENSIVE and out of reach for many people, especially middle class.

To those who keep recommending hiring a nursing student to help out, this woman doesn't require nursing care, but a girl Friday, perhaps, to help with errands, chores, and chauffering. Those are not tasks a nursing student would do to help them gain experience while in school.

I say Aunt June pitches in to hire some help, but I wouldn't expect her to drop her life and come back to care for her mother. Everyone else in town needs to split up the care equally, especially since there are two adults living right next door. Of course if any one of them doesn't love grandma or care what happens to her, I guess they don't need to be in the equation. You can't force people to help.

 

[DebbieB]

My best friend when I was growing up has parents who lived 2 doors up from me (my friend is now living in FL). Her mom got alzheimers and it was getting difficult taking care of her. They moved into assisted living a couple of years ago. The mom died a couple of months ago, I talked to my friend & her dad at the funeral home and they loved assisted living! One of the grandchildren is living in the house, I thought maybe he would move back now that his wife is gone (that was the original plan) but he loves it at assisted living! This place also had a full care facility on site, so when someone needed more help they would move them.

My aunt who is a retired nurse just took a job taking care of an 88 year old woman. She comes in from 4:00 to 9:00 weekdays. Gives the daughter a break. She can mostly care for herself, she just needed some help.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

My SIL is pretty uninvolved with Grandma. She's a sweet lady, we all love her, but she just isn't helpful and too thoughtful about helping others. I really don't understand what she does all day while the kids are in school. Grandma will ask her to pick up a few things from the grocery store when SIL is going, but won't ask her to get a whole large list of things.

Grandma is your brother's responsibility before it is your SIL's responsibility. As for what she does all day. She has a part time job, a husband and 2 children to care for. Maybe she's wondering what you do all day and why she should try and fit your grandmother into her life when you don't even have half the responsibilities she has.

 

[ilovemk76]

The house doesn't even belong to the grandmother.

When did Grandma give/sell the house? She has lived there for 35 years, so the grandson did not build it.

There is a reason most people don't have LTC insurance, it is EXPENSIVE and out of reach for many people, especially middle class.

This is part of retirement planning. If you get it young, it is cheap.

To those who keep recommending hiring a nursing student to help out, this woman doesn't require nursing care, but a girl Friday, perhaps, to help with errands, chores, and chauffering. Those are not tasks a nursing student would do to help them gain experience while in school.

There are CNAs who do run errands and the like. If the Aunt is going to hire somebody to take care of Grandma, why can't the Aunt pay the OP to do that?

I say Aunt June pitches in to hire some help, but I wouldn't expect her to drop her life and come back to care for her mother. Everyone else in town needs to split up the care equally, especially since there are two adults living right next door. Of course if any one of them doesn't love grandma or care what happens to her, I guess they don't need to be in the equation. You can't force people to help.

See above

 

[Kellydelly]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kellydelly
The house doesn't even belong to the grandmother.

When did Grandma give/sell the house? She has lived there for 35 years, so the grandson did not build it.

There is a reason most people don't have LTC insurance, it is EXPENSIVE and out of reach for many people, especially middle class.

This is part of retirement planning. If you get it young, it is cheap.

To those who keep recommending hiring a nursing student to help out, this woman doesn't require nursing care, but a girl Friday, perhaps, to help with errands, chores, and chauffering. Those are not tasks a nursing student would do to help them gain experience while in school.

There are CNAs who do run errands and the like. If the Aunt is going to hire somebody to take care of Grandma, why can't the Aunt pay the OP to do that?

I say Aunt June pitches in to hire some help, but I wouldn't expect her to drop her life and come back to care for her mother. Everyone else in town needs to split up the care equally, especially since there are two adults living right next door. Of course if any one of them doesn't love grandma or care what happens to her, I guess they don't need to be in the equation. You can't force people to help.

See above

As a nurse myself (RN), I was referring to a nursing student, not a nursing assistant student. Those are two very different things, and this woman is not in ill health and bedbound in need of "nursing care" at this time.

Do you have an idea of the monthly cost of LTC insurance for a younger person? I'm very curious .

It sounds like the OP wants a break from the responsibility of looking after grandma, not that she is looking to get paid.

 

[violetrose]

Gosh, it's so sad to hear anyone talk about caring for a family member with words like "anger" and "resentment". I understand the frustration, but it's not reflecting well on you.

Last but most important, feel free to vent here all you like, but when you talk to grandma check your attitude at the door. I'm getting a lot resentment. Makes me glad I'm not your grandma. She's lost her daughter, her primary care giver, probably her closest friend and is now dealing with a body that's failing her. That's a very terrifying thing to go thru. She needs your love and compassion right now. If you let yourselves get caught up in this bickering and lose her, you'll spend a lifetime feeling guilty.

Wow, I got a completely different take on this. I read through this thinking what a mature set of grandchildren this woman has, to take on such a huge responsibility of caring for the elderly when they are only in their 20s.

I don't think it's June's responsibility either.

I like the idea of consulting with the senior center, they should have some resources. I know Grandma's plan is to be cared for the way she wants to be cared for, but sometimes we have to compromise. She may have no other choice but to change things a bit, if for nothing else so her kids and grandchildren can continue to live a normal life.

I've told my kids that if their Dad goes before me and I'm old and feeble, don't hestitate to put me in assistant living. I don't want to be a burden for my children (or unborn grandchildren).

 

[nursebetty]

I'm guessing your grandmother does not have dementia, so she and your aunt should decide what care and help she needs and then find out what you and your siblings can do to help. Maybe your brother can give up all or some of the rent money to pay for help that he and his wife don't have time for. I'm taking care of my mother who has alz.,and none of the grandchildren are worrying about who is going to take care of grandma. ( nor did they just lose their mother to cancer) so good for you. Good-luck, these matters are never easy.

 

[jt'smom]

Gosh, it's so sad to hear anyone talk about caring for a family member with words like "anger" and "resentment". I understand the frustration, but it's not reflecting well on you.


Last but most important, feel free to vent here all you like, but when you talk to grandma check your attitude at the door. I'm getting a lot resentment. Makes me glad I'm not your grandma. She's lost her daughter, her primary care giver, probably her closest friend and is now dealing with a body that's failing her. That's a very terrifying thing to go thru. She needs your love and compassion right now. If you let yourselves get caught up in this bickering and lose her, you'll spend a lifetime feeling guilty.

broganmc, i think your attitude is somewhat harsh and judgemental towards the op. she's a young adult that has caregiver burnout, and i can completely understand her frustration. my own opinion is that they should be looking for some outside assistance to help, which apparently june is already on top of. i also think that as an aging population, we are simply going to have to accept that OUR wants and needs might have to be secondary to the younger generation who is going to be taking on the daily care and responsibility for us. the desire to "live longer" really needs to be tempered with the overwhelming requirements that are going to accompany an aging body, and while i think we should always respect and honor our seniors, i don't think it's reasonable to expect the younger generation to be solely responsible for our care and upkeep. i'm not likely to make past my 50's, but if i do, i know i've lived my life and enjoyed it and i don't want to be a burden on my son.

op, , you sound like a great girl who seems to want to honor your grandma and are obviously willing to sacrifice for it!

 

[minkydog]

first of all....OP you need to be really careful about deciding which of your family has the 'extra' time to devote to Grandma...why would you assume your SIL should drop her life at all times,when the rest of you are having issues doing that? Saying she only works p/t and sends the kids to school def. shows how little you as a single,unemployed young person understands about the demands of everyday life when raising a family.
You all have to come together and make a plan to help Grandma, not decide for each other how much time you should be spending with her.
Things change. When you get a job that precludes from driving her somewhere- then maybe it's time to call the local senior center for the bus ride schedule.
You also can't make her daughter move- any more than anyone can make you move.
What you can do is pool your resources of time and money to help out. Hire p/t help to visit,or drive her to the doctors. Your aunt may not be right there,but she can help that way.

Totally agree with all of the above. *I* am the SIL in my husband's family. We moved away from his family 30 years ago for a myriad of reasons, including financial gain and family social & psychological problems. His family didn't like it then and they don't like it now. I can't tell you how many times we have been bullied about moving back home to "take care of Mama." Well, I resent the heck out of that! We have a whole life here, 400 miles away. Mama has been an ungrateful alcoholic all the time I've known her and i'll be damned if I'm going to spend my free time toting her around and being abused by her. Her kids can duke it out, but leave me out of it!

You know, hate to sound repetitive-I used to have these feeling too-until my Mom got into the wonderful place she is in. Not all nursing homes are these terrible places people envision-not at all.

My MIL now lives in a nursing home. It wasn't an easy road to get her there--she resisted on every level. I won't go into the whole long story, but it was ugly. Her kids had to step in at one point and have her involuntarily removed from her home because she couldnt' take care of herself and wouldn't let hired help come in the house. She wanted her children(and their spouses & children) to move in with her. Thank you, but no. MIL was moved to assisted living, which was great for her. She learned to like it and we were assured that she had hot meals(she hadn't been eating, just drinking all day), her clothes were kept clean, there was staff to check on her and make sure she got her meds and generally kept an eye on her. MIL stayed there for several years as she became more and more frail. Then she broke her hip and that was all over--she went from the hospital to rehab to nursing home.

We love her nursing home. It is very clean and well kept. MIL is anti-social and ill-tempered, so roommates have been a problem. But they found her a roommate she loves--the woman is semi-comatose, doesn't watch TV and doesn't have visitors. A match made in heaven! The home has classes and events every day and they really put some effort into making it a HOME, not just a place to shelve mom until she dies.

The responsibility of taking care of Grandma is Grandma's responsibility. If she wants to call the shots on where she lives then she will have to take on the difficulty that comes with that.

June should not have to move 1000 miles just because her Mother will not leave her home. June is owed a life the same as her Mother.

I vote for assisted living for Grandma. Sell the house to pay for it.
People - This is why everybody needs LTC insurance. Children our not your personal caretakers. You have children to love, nurture and then let them fly on their own.

OMG, i think I love you! Everything you say is spot on. Grandma has the responsibility to decide what's going to happen to her. Nothing makes me madder than having an elderly relative who insists they don't want to leave their home, they don't want to live with their kids, they don't want to go to assisted living and they haven't made any plans for making all this happen.

My DH's grandmother was a perfect example. She was a piece of work. She wouldn't hear anything about moving from her home. Basically, she threw a tantrum and everybody caved (except us.) So her daughter, two sons, several grandchildren, and some cousins took turns living with her, waiting on her, lifting her, dressing her, and caring for her needs as she became less and less able to take care of herself. Grandma was so proud to say that she lived "independently." Yeah, independently with a fleet of 16 keeping you afloat, Grandma. Grandma lived to be 97. That was a looooong 30 years of caregiving.

DH & I have made careful plans for our retirement. I have NO PROBLEM with moving to a senior apartment or assisted living, or even a nursing home, when that time comes. I do not want to burden my children with my care. We had kids late in life, so it is very likely that they will be raising young families when we reach our elder years. I do not expect them to drop everything and come running, or worse, move in with me just because I need daily care. They should not have to sacrifice their lives for mine.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP this is my situation now...

My parents are BROKE again. We are working on getting them out of their apartment right now. Thankfully proper notice on their lease was given. I made my mother do it.

So, now my brother has graciously given up his condo in order to let them live there in exchange for paying the utilities and part of his mortgage. He is going to live with his fiancee.

My sister and I are going to descend on them and tear through their finances with a fine tooth comb. My father is saying over his dead body.

Guess what, we don't care what they say. They are basically homeless now and we have to clean up their mess yet again. They gave up their right to privacy when they need us to bail them out.

So in the next few weeks we will find out how bad their financial state is and work on financial recovery. It sucks. My mom will be 74 this yr. The condo is not a main level condo and it involves stairs. My parents have issues with stairs.

 

[Planogirl]

In my opinion, how the OP feels about the time she spends is a moot point. She will eventually find a job and then she simply won't have the time. Plans need to be made now.

My healthy aunt moved herself into a retirement home and she's quite happy. Pets are allowed and she brought her cat. She lives in a full apartment with a public dining room on the premises if she wishes to "eat out". There are activities, a library, clubs, church services and so on. She is definitely not wasting away.

I understand that these places can be expensive though. Some of the simpler senior assistance facilities charge based on income. Of course that would drain savings and property but sometimes that's what people have to do.

Good luck! As others have said these situations can be very difficult.

 

[hereyago]

Hugs to you OP.

I was wondering, is there an adult day care place near you? at least during the day, she would be around other people,etc. and that could help caregivers(who ever that may end up being) some respite at least during the day.


Grandmother needs to really discuss this with the family and work it all out.

 

[ilovemk76]

As a nurse myself (RN), I was referring to a nursing student, not a nursing assistant student. Those are two very different things, and this woman is not in ill health and bedbound in need of "nursing care" at this time.

Do you have an idea of the monthly cost of LTC insurance for a younger person? I'm very curious .

It sounds like the OP wants a break from the responsibility of looking after grandma, not that she is looking to get paid.

I know CNAs who were hired for non-bed-bound people. The CNA cooks lunch and dinner, does some grocery shopping. Helps bath them and is company.

The OP is unemployed and looking for a job. This would work as a job, 1099, and also have her continue helping Grandma.


There are many different LTC policies - duration (2 years, 5 years, unlimited), inflation rider, flat rate premium, age you are when the policy starts. Mine is unlimited, with an inflation rider, flat premiums that I got when I was mid 30s. I pay $1500/year. Right now my payout is approximately $350/day. There is a 90 waiting period.

It will pay for in house care, assisted living or a nursing home. It will also pay for put in a chair lift, etc, if that kept me at home.

Also, since we pay 100% of the premiums the payout is tax free money per the IRS. It could be taxed at the state or local level.

Unless you are retiring with 5+ million today, you could very easily miss your mark if you need this care.

My Aunt, who is in her late 60s, had to go into assisted living a month ago. She will be there for a while yet. I am not sure how my Aunt and Uncle will be able to pay this and for her care once she gets home. She is not bed-bound from cancer.

 

[mjkacmom]

The responsibility of taking care of Grandma is Grandma's responsibility. If she wants to call the shots on where she lives then she will have to take on the difficulty that comes with that.

June should not have to move 1000 miles just because her Mother will not leave her home. June is owed a life the same as her Mother.

I vote for assisted living for Grandma. Sell the house to pay for it.

People - This is why everybody needs LTC insurance. Children our not your personal caretakers. You have children to love, nurture and then let them fly on their own.

This. My grandmother was SO frugal, lived in small home, rarely ate out, rarely vacationed, but saved up enough money to hire a live-in, and she died at the age of 95. If she ran out of money, then she would've insisted on a nursing home. My parents feel the same way - one shouldn't be a burden. My aunt took care of her mother pretty much her entire life. My great-aunt lived into her 90's, and now my aunt is free, but in her 70's.