Also is living with someone a possibility? Do they have the means/room to take Grandma in? What is the cause of all the hospitalizations and what level of care is required when she leaves? So many things factor in but honestly when it comes to caring for a loved one nobody should be "the one" and if the person requires care beyond their space/finances and ability assisted living or the like is honestly best and safest for all.
No one has the room to house another person and and five pets. Plus, then what do we do with grandma's house? My brother took on a large debt of paying for grandma's house in order to keep it in the family.
Grandma has something called Addison's Disease. It means her adrenal gland does not produce enough of the steroid horomones the body needs to function and deal with any kind of stressor - happy or sad. Since she does not the stress regulators most people have, any kind stimulation can make her sick. She avoids most social situations, and cannot spend too long around high-energy people, such as her great grandchildren.
So the reason grandma has been in the hospital lately is because she has been getting colds - and that sends her Addison's out of whack, so she has to go to the hospital in order to get her medications by IV.
Right now she has bowel obstruction and Addison's complicates any other medical issue since she lacks natural stress regulators.
So because of the Addison's, an assisted living facility might actually make her worse because of all the interaction with different people all the time.
Level of care she needs after hospitalization can change from hour to hour and day to day. Because of the Addison's, her energy levels can vary widely during the day.
For example, the other day, she was ready to run a few errands by herself. I spoke to her on the phone right before and offered to come with her and help, but she really wanted to go alone. Five minutes later, she calls me and tells me her car won't start so she isn't going. I again offered to come drive her, but the stress of being annoyed over the car not starting was enough to send her out of whack and back to bed the rest of the day.
Is it her failing health that's causing her to wind up in the hospital? Are there any signs of memory loss? If memory loss is present, I think that would be more of an urgent need to have some one there more often. More likely to leave a pot on the stove, leave doors unlocked, and such, which creates more of a safety hazard.
There is definitely memory loss and I worry about those kind of things.
I will not ask help from someone who sees giving it as an affront to their existence. I'd rather bleed to death in the gutter than demean myself that way. Perhaps instead of your family arguing over who gets stuck with the job of caring for grandma you should all remind yourselves just how blessed you are to still have grandma! I can't tell you what I'd give to have my mom or grandmother around. Every time I think of their loss I am grateful I still have my dad.
Last but most important, feel free to vent here all you like, but when you talk to grandma check your attitude at the door. I'm getting a lot resentment. Makes me glad I'm not your grandma. She's lost her daughter, her primary care giver, probably her closest friend and is now dealing with a body that's failing her. That's a very terrifying thing to go thru. She needs your love and compassion right now. If you let yourselves get caught up in this bickering and lose her, you'll spend a lifetime feeling guilty.
You sound like my grandma - she HATES asking for help. To the point that it's destructive to herself. She will struggle to open a jar and end up injuring herself before she will break down and ask for help. I try to be aware of what might need to be done, but I can't anticipate everything she needs.
I'm sorry you misconstrued my post as me being an ungrateful grand daugther. I am not. Estelle is the only grandparent I ever got to know as the other 3 all died before I was born. We are extremely close and like to do things together. I don't mind helping her out some.....but I need to worry about MY health and sanity as well, and I'm just coming off of constant care of my mother. The family learned way too late in that game that we have to take time for ourselves and not get so burned out that we resent the person we're caring for. I DO NOT want this to soil my relationship with my grandma because we have an amazing one.
I have to be careful what I talk about around her - I can't talk about a fight I'm having with my sister or things like that because of grandma's Addison's disease. I am naturally a pretty calm and low-key person so Grandma prefers me to be the one helping her over my sister. My sister is one of those people who talks a lot, talks loudly, and is always waiting to speak - never actually listening. This can be stressful on my grandma, so when Grandma needs is sick...I am usually the one to deal with it because it's easiest on her.
As for my SIL - my grandma, my aunt, me and my sister feel like she could have easily helped when my mom was sick more than she did.
My brother works full time, and in order to participate in caring for my mother, he had to take a lot of time off work. He complained about the drop in income, but the rest of us were sitting around thinking...well why can't Dawn work some to make up for it???? Why can't Dawn be the income maker while you care while you help care for your dying mother???
We never said that to him, or her....but to the rest of us, it seemed the logical thing to do.
I don't EXPECT SIL to help with Grandma....it's not her grandma....but I don't understand why she can't do something like get all of grandma's groceries when she is going to the store for her own.
We don't say anything to her because I don't think we should expect her to help....but at the same time it's frustrating when you know she has a 5 hour period of time in the middle of the day with little responsibility.
I mean, grandma's other next door neighbor, who is not related to her, offers to help her out more than my SIL. And that woman has a full time job.
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