Who Should Care for Grandma?

[cbg1027]

I'm looking for some outside, unbiased opinions on a situation in my family having to do with the care of a senior.

First some background info on who in the family:
Grandmother - Estelle, age 83
Her Daughter - June, aunt to the grandchildren
Estelle's Three Grandchildren:
Josh - has a wife and two kids.
Marnie - college student
Me, Abby - unemployed twenty-something.

Everyone except June lives in the same town. Josh and his family live next door to grandma Estelle.

June lives in MO, the rest of us are in FL.

Grandma Estelle's other daughter, my mother Sara, passed away a year ago after a three year battle with cancer. Sara lived next door to her mother Estelle and was the 'caregiver'. Grandma Estelle lives alone and didn't need supervision or 24-7 care, but she is elderly and needs help from time to time. Sara was her go-to person for many years due to the proximity, but obviously that situation has changed because Sara died before her mother.

My siblings and I spent the last three years acting as caregivers to our mother while she was battling cancer. In the last six months of her life, she required 24-7 care, so we three children took turns caring for her. Her sister June flew down occasionally to help out several times over the course of Sara's illness, but it was mainly me and my sister, Marnie, who provided the bulk of care for our mother.

My mother's death has dramatically worsened grandma Estelle's health. She's still living alone and I try to go over a couple times of week to help her with chores she can't do - things we call 'tall person' jobs, or things that require strength in the hands since Estelle has arthritis.

Due to the fact that I am jobless and have the closest relationship with grandma, I am the one who helps her and cares for her a good 70% of the time that she needs it. However, looking for a job is a full-time job, and I lose days of searching when I have to take grandma to the doctor and such.

My sister Marnie is a student, but she only took two classes last semester, and is in the three this semester. She will graduate in April.

Josh works full time, and has two grade school aged kids. His wife, Dawn, doesn't really work (she is a massage therapist, but only gives a few massages a week - so a stay at home mom for the most part).

In the past month, Grandma Estelle has been in the hospital three times and she's there again now.

The family is angry and resentful of each other because everyone feels like the other members aren't participating in Grandma's care. The one area where the three grandchildren unite is that we think June, Estelle's daughter, should be more physically involved. She is on the phone with Grandma several times a day and they are close, so I don't want to make it sound like she's uninvolved. But she lives 1000 miles away....so she's not the one who gets the call in the middle of the night when Grandma needs to go to the hospital or during the week when Grandma needs groceries and isn't up to shopping for them herself.

June has a husband, a house, and a life in MO. Grandma has the bulk of her family, her house, her pets, and friends in FL. She is an extremely stubborn lady and is attached to her home of 35 years.

What happens when I finally find a job? I won't be available to take grandma to the doctor. I will only have weekends to help.

Should June have to move here to take responsibility for her mother? Should Grandma be forced to move to live with June? Should everyone be splitting the care equally?

A nursing home is out of the question, due to cost, and mainly Grandma's complete unwillingness to even consider ever living in one. She isn't at the point yet either....but she does need a lot of help.

Me and my siblings feel like we have done our duty in caring for our mother in her last years. I think we all feel like the bulk of burden with Grandma shouldn't fall on our shoulders since we are her grandkids, not her children.

What is your opinion on the matter?

 

[RadioNate]

Well my opinion is that your grandmother should enter an assisted living facility. Not a nursing home...a facility with her own apartment but communal dining and people to help. My grandmother did this and so did both sets of my former husband's grandparents. Her house will need to be sold to pay for this.

But that is why my family would do. Unfortunately, you are there an available. I would expect your SIL will be picking up the Dr appointment slack if you are unavailable since she only works part-time and her kids are in school during the day.

No one should be forced to move. it isn't a fun situation, good luck.

 

[Tozzie]

I would never think of it as a "Job" to care for my grandmother , and I think it is unrealistic to expect your aunt to move 1000 miles to take care of her. What is the possibility of hiring someone say a few hours 3 days a week or so to help out grandma and take her to her appointsments, grocery shopping ect?

 

[luvmarypoppins]

I can relate. My mom suddenly died and I had to take care of my grandma too.

That involved moving her to another state to live with us. I had to take care of her and 3 kids too. I was not easy. I had No One to help me. My grandma had a daughter in law who refused to help, and also another grand daughter who refused to help. I only asked them to watch her 1 week end so we could have a break. We were willing to bring her to the next state. They refused.

Seems her daughter doesnt want to be involved to the extent you think she should. If she is retired could she come for the summer or an extended period of time. Would she be willing to financially support any type of care you think her mom needs etc?

Since your grandma doesnt seem to be all that cooperative and the burden is falling on all 3 of you. Check out your options.

If a nursing home is too expensive then look into hiring a personal care aide or home health aide from an agency. Or maybe just look around at a local church for some help etc.

Who is in charge of her finances? Who is her power of attorney? That person has more of a say in the decisions etc.

Is there a local grocery store that delivers etc? They have that around here. You order on line. A little expensive but worth it.

Maybe a nursing student might be willing to work with her etc.

Can you set up a care calendar that is fair for all of you etc?

My grandmas income was so little she was really even below the poverty line.

If your grandma is in the hospital right now you might want to have a talk with the hospital social worker.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[trip]

Have you been in touch with your local Senior Resource Center? They may have some programs that can help. My town has a special van that will pick you up and take you to doctor appointments or to the store for a small charge.

Also, was your Grandfather in the service? If so, she may qualify for a program called Aid and Attendance through the VA.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

In the past month, Grandma Estelle has been in the hospital three times and she's there again now.

It may be a moot point if she's in the hospital and determined to be unable to care for herself and doesn't have steady support at home - they may not be able to release her into that situation again. In that case she'd likely go to short term rehab and then possibly nursing home from there.

I take it June has offered for her mom to come live with her and grandma doesn't want to go? Grandma may have a change of heart if faced with a nursing home as the only other option. Personally, I think it's more June's responsibility than any of the grandchildren's right now. I wouldn't depend on Josh or his wife, and in fairness, I'm not sure his wife should be included in this. It does sound like you and your sister have caregiver burnout, and understandably so.

This is a common problem for families when elderly relatives get to this point. Some family members help, and some don't.

Grandma may be stubborn but she has to make good decisions for herself if options are available or she might lose the ability to make decisions for herself. If she's been hospitalized several times in a short time, it's likely that something's not going well at home - either she's not taking her pills right or she's not eating right or something like that. It's very common in the elderly who live alone. I'd bet if she lived with June she'd be better off (as long as the conditions are right, i.e. June wants here there, is available to help her, they get along ok/have a loving relationship, etc.). My elderly mother lives with me and I help her with her needs. I think the 80s are tough. Just about everyone I know with parents this age are having problems of some sort. I would talk to the social worker at the hospital to see what information you can gather about options from here. You could also ask for a "family meeting" so all of you - including grandma and all caregivers - can be on the same page about the future.

Best of luck to all of you, I hope you can work it out.

 

[cbg1027]

Well my opinion is that your grandmother should enter an assisted living facility. Not a nursing home...a facility with her own apartment but communal dining and people to help. My grandmother did this and so did both sets of my former husband's grandparents. Her house will need to be sold to pay for this.

But that is why my family would do. Unfortunately, you are there an available. I would expect your SIL will be picking up the Dr appointment slack if you are unavailable since she only works part-time and her kids are in school during the day.

No one should be forced to move. it isn't a fun situation, good luck.

I think entering an assisted living facility would kill my grandma. She would be very unhappy. She has 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a greenhouse and the animals and plants are what keeps her happy. She couldn't have any of that in an assisted living facility.

My SIL is pretty uninvolved with Grandma. She's a sweet lady, we all love her, but she just isn't helpful and too thoughtful about helping others. I really don't understand what she does all day while the kids are in school. Grandma will ask her to pick up a few things from the grocery store when SIL is going, but won't ask her to get a whole large list of things.

I would never think of it as a "Job" to care for my grandmother , and I think it is unrealistic to expect your aunt to move 1000 miles to take care of her. What is the possibility of hiring someone say a few hours 3 days a week or so to help out grandma and take her to her appointsments, grocery shopping ect?

My aunt is looking in to hiring someone a couple days of week to do that sort of stuff. She would be paying for it.

Seems her daughter doesnt want to be involved to the extent you think she should. If she is retired could she come for the summer or an extended period of time. Would she be willing to financially support any type of care you think her mom needs etc?

Who is in charge of her finances? Who is her power of attorney? That person has more of a say in the decisions etc.

Is there a local grocery store that delivers etc? They have that around here. You order on line. A little expensive but worth it.

Maybe a nursing student might be willing to work with her etc.

Can you set up a care calendar that is fair for all of you etc?

June does support Grandma in a lot of her finances and has power of attorney. Grandma has a tiny bit of income from social security, but she's outlived all she had saved for retirement.

My brother owns Grandma's house.....long story. June and Grandma pay him 'rent'. None of us want to or are willing to sell the house. My mother and grandmother designed it, and my father did a lot of the construction himself. It is next door to my brother's home, on some acreage, and in a pretty private setting, so we consider the two houses like one estate and don't want any non-family members living there. My brother is hoping that after grandma is gone, that me, my sister, or his wife's sister's and family will live there.

I never thought about grocery delivery, that is a great idea!!!!

A nursing student is another good idea instead of using a CNA or RN. I'm sure a student would be much cheaper!

A care calendar is a good idea, but we're not at a point yet where Grandma needs regularly scheduled care so I'm not sure how to handle that.

Have you been in touch with your local Senior Resource Center? They may have some programs that can help. My town has a special van that will pick you up and take you to doctor appointments or to the store for a small charge.

Also, was your Grandfather in the service? If so, she may qualify for a program called Aid and Attendance through the VA.

No, we hadn't thought of that. A good idea in theory, but Grandma has Addison's disease and the stimulation of social situations and meeting new people stress her out. If we have to get outside help, it needs to be one person who always comes so grandma can get to know and feel comfortable with them.

No, my grandfather was not in the service, and they divorced before I was even born.

 

[Happy 2 B Me]

I would not ask june to move to Florida. June has her life in another state. I might ask her to visit as much as possible, Although I had a sister that always wanted to come see and stay with our mother. The sister sat around and expected my mom to wait on her. Mom actually would have like when my sister would visit if there would have been a bit of help around house.

Your sister might think of doing home work at grandma's house. This would give grandma some company in the evenings.

Josh has a wife and kids. That makes helping a bit harder. You might ask if he can help with house repairs and such. Maybe his wife and kids can vivit one day a week.

In your case help as much as you can. Have you heard the saying take the monkey off your back? You are not the responsible party --- your aunt will be the one that makes all the choices for grandma. Aunt is next of kin since your mother passed. Please let me say I am sorry your mom passed away. You sound like a caring person but you have a life and need to follow your dreams.

That was great advice to check senior services. If she is native american there are services by tribal care. Lots of Dr. offices have a service that will pick up and deliver patients for care. There is attendants that stay with a patient while at Dr. office. Meals on wheels will deliver one hot meal 3-4 times a week. for the other days they deliver a meal that just needs to be heated. There is always day care for adults. By all means have your grandma prepare a Durable power of Attorney. This lets one of you pay her bills, make choices for her, etc is she should be in the hospital for a long time or go to nursing home after hospital stay.

Maybe a meeting will all there, joshs' wife to and make it a tele conference with june. At the end of the day it is June that should take over but---- 1k miles is a long way to comute.

This is going to be hard no matter what but please all stay close and love each other.

Make sure you include Grandma-- She may want none of what you all think is needed.

 

[HelenePA]

I lost my mom to taking care of my great grandmother, honestly I resented her for it... she was with her more us (me brother my dad) than at home from the age of 14-19. She did have my grandmother to help but it wasn't enough. I finally convinced my mom that she needed more help, they called her dr and they put her in the hospital where a few days later she died... for 5 years she was gone (now granted it was only up the street) but she missed out on so much of OUR life in those years. Then after my great grandmother died she became an alcoholic... she died when I was 23. it sounds like you need to get more help than just family to take care of grandma... As much as I love my children (and future grandchildren) and I'd never expect them to do what they did what my mom and gram did for my great grandmother (I loved her so much) there was no time for us, she was tired after having my great grandmother every other day. Grammy needs to go someplace where she can be cared for like she should with out the burden of the family.... btdt...

 

[Coconut36]

I would never think of it as a "Job" to care for my grandmother , and I think it is unrealistic to expect your aunt to move 1000 miles to take care of her. What is the possibility of hiring someone say a few hours 3 days a week or so to help out grandma and take her to her appointsments, grocery shopping ect?

I have to agree. It is neither realistic to entertain ideas of moving Grandma (my Grandfather did this to his mother when she was almost 90 and she lived the remainder of her years (she lived to be 101) miserable she was forced to move to be near him) nor remotely fair or realistic to think her remaining daughter should move to be near her.

IMO the most appropriately thing is for the family to bring someone in that can check on her/be with her regularly to help with grocery shopping, maybe some cleaning and other tasks or if she needs more intense help/care move her into an assisted living facility.

Nobody should bear the burden alone but it is beyond unfair to think your aunt should give up her entire life in another state to move to be near her mom as well.

Also is living with someone a possibility? Do they have the means/room to take Grandma in? What is the cause of all the hospitalizations and what level of care is required when she leaves? So many things factor in but honestly when it comes to caring for a loved one nobody should be "the one" and if the person requires care beyond their space/finances and ability assisted living or the like is honestly best and safest for all.

 

[SandrA9810]

Moving would be very difficult, and assisted living is only good if it's what they wanted.

My great aunt lives in an assisted apartment, and loves it. But she's a people person and planned it many years ago.

My grandmother does not like living in Texas much, and always talks of Miami. However she has dementia now, and anything in the past is more relevant that what has happened in the past 5 or so years.

If she's living on your brother's property, it would seem more logical for your SIL to check in a little more often. Or even your brother stopping by on the way home from work. There's lots of adult care programs, from coming by the house to check in, running errands, and live in care. Just based on what you need. Heck you could even hire a house keeper. Some one that comes by a few times a week to clean dishes, do a load of laundry, and maybe do some grocery shopping. Like create a list one day, and the following day they bring the groceries. It's not active care in your grandmother's health, but some one else to make sure things are ok.

Is it her failing health that's causing her to wind up in the hospital? Are there any signs of memory loss? If memory loss is present, I think that would be more of an urgent need to have some one there more often. More likely to leave a pot on the stove, leave doors unlocked, and such, which creates more of a safety hazard.

My grandmother never leaves the house, which is a good thing, but my aunt is more and more concerned with leaving my grandmother at home when she goes to work. My grandmother thinks 2hrs have passed in 5 minutes.

There's going to be a lot of time taken out of every one's day. And it shouldn't fall to just one person, if more are there to help. If no one wants to take time out of their day, then every one needs to come up with a plan to oversee the care of her. Such as coming up with the money for a caregiver.

 

[Jey12]

I'm very sorry about the loss of your mother. You've been through a lot recently and it sounds like you are quite an amazing person for what you're doing to help out with your grandmother.

I second getting in touch with your local center for the aging and elderly. Explain your grandmother's situation and hopefully they will not only have suggestions but numbers and places for you to call. Many of these services are free or at a reduced fee. I don't think there's any good answer to any of this. Some assisted living centers have units where small dogs and cats can come live with their people. As for her greenhouse that may be something she has to modify in the assisted living or find a different way to do some of the things associated with her greenhouse. I would also suggest having your grandmother and aunt add one or all of the grandkids to her power of attorney and also get an advanced directive for medical care with your names listed on it. With June being so far away if an immediate medical decision needs to be made, she might not be in a position to do it.

I don't feel like June should have to leave her life, move and come take care of her mother. If it's possible and grandma wants to move to where June is then that's an option. Your SIL is available she probably should pick up some slack just because she's a part of the family, but I would not expect her to do so. This is just my personal opinion and what I'd do if DH's grandmother needed my assistance. Has anyone ever sat down and had a conversation with her about this? She might just be hesitant to offer because it's not "her" grandmother. Sometimes people surprise you, and sometimes they don't. You never know until you ask. Directly ask, don't hint.

Honestly I wouldn't expect anyone to do more than they already are. If they'd wanted to they would be helping out more. Should they? Probably. Chances are good though that they won't no matter if their situation changes or not. This leaves a few choices with you. I know it's hard but be direct and firm with your grandmother. She's stubborn and so far it's worked for her. She's also probably a very proud woman and sees asking for help as a sign of weakness. While she's in the hospital talk with the social worker and have her be your 3rd party to get grandma to make some tough decisions regarding her care. Stand your ground on what you can and can't do.

My grandmother swore she'd rather die than live in a nursing home. She swore in order to get her into one the family would have to drag her dead body there. She's great with guilt trips. Unfortunately for her guilt trips have never worked on me. After she'd fallen for the, I lost count, time and was taken to the hospital due to the fall some tough choices had to be made. She has 5 children and 13 grandchildren and the decision was left up to 2 of her children and only 1 (me) of her grandchildren on what needed to happen next. I can't tell you how hard it was to sit in the family meetings with the social worker and honestly say what I could and couldn't do to help her. It was hard knowing there were more family members that should have been there. By the end my grandmother never went home again, and I felt like I'd gotten up on Christmas morning told my young daughter Santa wasn't real, took her presents away and then kicked her.

The nursing home that grandma said she'd die before going to has been her home for the past 4 years. She's made some great friends, and I go visit with her every chance I get. I still feel sad that I couldn't do more, and I still feel bad everytime I leave her there after a visit. I do know that had she stayed at home she wouldn't have made some great friends and more than likely she'd be bed bound from falling by now. She has parkinson's that is progressing very slowly, and is now wheelchair bound. She didn't want to leave her life as she'd known if for over 86 years and was scared. Who wouldn't be? At first she was very angry and just downright hateful to many people, mostly family. I just finally had to be blunt and honest with her about the situation. Now she's got a new life and has learned to adjust as best she can and has blessed us all by hanging around for at least another 4. Plus none of us really wanted to play Weekend at Bernies with her and take her dead body into the nursing home. With my family someone might have done just this, to prove a point.

I think you're doing a wonderful thing and I suggest just be honest with her. Ask your other family members if they can do more, but don't expect it. Explain to your grandmother that your availability will eventually change and you need to take steps now to have another plan in place. Stick to it. Ultimately your grandmother is who is in charge of her, and she's going to have to be the one to make the final decisions regarding her care. She's also the one that's going to have to live with those decisions.

 

[bumbershoot]

The family is angry and resentful of each other because everyone feels like the other members aren't participating in Grandma's care.

Really really really common, and from my family's experience, give up trying to understand each other, because it's never going to totally happen. Just accept what each person can do and go from there.

I would expect your SIL will be picking up the Dr appointment slack if you are unavailable since she only works part-time and her kids are in school during the day.

As a daughter/sister in law, I cannot fathom that expectation. Expect the grandson to do it, be HAPPY if his wife does it, but don't expect it.

My SIL is pretty uninvolved with Grandma. She's a sweet lady, we all love her, but she just isn't helpful and too thoughtful about helping others. I really don't understand what she does all day while the kids are in school.

Well, she's not HER grandmother. I don't understand the expectations being put on her. And just like I don't understand what I used to do before being at home with DS, especially when I was in college and felt like I was SO busy but now remember HUGE amounts of free time just sitting in the quad flirting, I can understand why it's hard to understand what she might be doing (though her being a part time massage therapist could help fill in some blank spots there). So...stop trying to figure it out. Maybe she's doing what she can do. The real question is...what is your brother doing?

My brother owns Grandma's house.....long story. June and Grandma pay him 'rent'. None of us want to or are willing to sell the house. My mother and grandmother designed it, and my father did a lot of the construction himself. It is next door to my brother's home, on some acreage, and in a pretty private setting, so we consider the two houses like one estate and don't want any non-family members living there. My brother is hoping that after grandma is gone, that me, my sister, or his wife's sister's and family will live there.

And is that something that might end up happening? If so, if it's you or your sister who is thinking of moving in, what about moving in sooner rather than later?

Of course, that person is going to feel resentment, because that person is there and WILL be doing quite a bit...so try to work out a system where the live-in sibling feels that the others are contributing something. My aunt lived with my grandma, and she NEVER got to a point where she felt that her sister and brother contributed enough money to make up for things. She totally ignored all the helpful thoughts and advice (and support to pay for a caregiver while she got certified in caregiving so she could be paid a little bit for her time) they tried to give her, ignored the fact that both had families of college or HS aged kids along with jobs and mortgages (since aunt was living with grandma, that wasn't so much of an issue, and her young daughter lived there too), and she is still working through those feelings, 13 years after grandma had to live in a home (she had a reverse mortgage that kicked in after breaking her hip and having to be in a home), 12 years after her sister died (my mom), and something like 7 years after grandma died...

So if someone moves in, try to have that person come to terms with reality and continue forth from there.

 

[BroganMc]

Gosh, it's so sad to hear anyone talk about caring for a family member with words like "anger" and "resentment". I understand the frustration, but it's not reflecting well on you.

My family faced similar situations. When my grandfather died, my grandmother became our responsibility. She lived a good 30-40 minutes away because she did not want to leave her house or friends. She lived near where my father worked and up the street from university. So my family just considered her a part of our nuclear group. She always went on trips with us, came to our house for Christmas, got rides to my uncles from us for family events. My sister moved in with her when she went to college. She lived there for 8 years as my sister got her degree and started her life. Then my brother lived with her. Eventually it was my mom who was there every night looking after her while my dad and I were in/out every day. By the end my grandmother was effectively bedridden, mostly deaf and frankly ill-tempered. Didn't matter because she was family and we loved her. She died at 86. We thanked God for giving her to us that long.

My mother battled cancer for 7 years. It was my dad and I who looked after her primarily because we lived with her. But my siblings were around as often as they could. They were each getting married and starting families then. Bringing the grandkids over and having family gatherings was our way of giving mom something to live for. She went through hell with her chemotherapy, all because she wanted to live another day with us.

Now I look after my dad. I have a disability that limits what I can do physically (I use a wheelchair and many special devices to make up for motion impairment and pain). In the last 8 years I've seen him through heart surgery, a broken leg, hip replacement and Legionella Pneumonia. I learned to drive so I could keep him (and me) as active as possible. It doesn't matter if I'm having a bad day. I'll happily put my life on hold to help him. He'll be 80 this year and is one of the most loved, respected and cared for old men you'll find. And it's not just because of me, but something my brothers, sister and nieces and nephews value.

Yes after my mom died, there was a time when I struggled with my brothers thinking they weren't as helpful as they could be. That happens. A lot of our struggle had to do with the loss of our mom and having to renegotiate our relationships with each other and with our surviving parent. They are also married and have 7 kids between them. That's a lot of responsibility to handle. But NEVER have any of us thought looking after dad or mom or our grandmother was a burden someone got stuck with. (We were too busy resenting each other for getting to spend time with Dad. Something we fortunately worked out.)

Maybe my viewpoint is a bit biased because growing up with a disability has made me very sensitive about the help/burden debate. I will not ask help from someone who sees giving it as an affront to their existence. I'd rather bleed to death in the gutter than demean myself that way. Perhaps instead of your family arguing over who gets stuck with the job of caring for grandma you should all remind yourselves just how blessed you are to still have grandma! I can't tell you what I'd give to have my mom or grandmother around. Every time I think of their loss I am grateful I still have my dad.

And those pushing for assisted living/nursing home need to understand that is a decision made solely by the person going in if they feel it is best for them. When the family pushes a member into a facility just to save the family a burden, it's heartbreaking and demeaning. It effectively says to someone you supposedly love that you'd rather strangers took care of them than you. That's why a lot of older folks waste away so quickly in nursing homes. They get neglected and feel unwanted/unloved. My family made the decision with my grandmother that we'd never put a family member in a home. Not unless there was some extreme medical condition that required medical services not provided at home.

A few things to keep in mind: women tend to become the caretakers in families before men. Doesn't matter if you are a daughter, sister or granddaughter. Men are just a little more neglectful or presume someone doesn't need care unless they scream for it (i.e. the nagging wife and kids). In-laws usually don't have the same innate desire to help. They didn't grow up with that family and will always feel a little distant from responsibility. (My dad did look after my grandmother but that was because his mom died young and she effectively adopted him.)

There are services to help the disabled and aged continue to live at home. A weekly maid service can help clean. There are visiting angels who can help do grocery runs and cook meals.

Last but most important, feel free to vent here all you like, but when you talk to grandma check your attitude at the door. I'm getting a lot resentment. Makes me glad I'm not your grandma. She's lost her daughter, her primary care giver, probably her closest friend and is now dealing with a body that's failing her. That's a very terrifying thing to go thru. She needs your love and compassion right now. If you let yourselves get caught up in this bickering and lose her, you'll spend a lifetime feeling guilty.

 

[Swan4Me]

Find a sitter service

We did this for Mom-they would take her to appointments, sit with her($16 an hour)

Private sitters are cheaper-$10 an hour

When Mom had her last stroke, she had to go to a nursing home after the Hospital-so we were "lucky" that it was a natural transition. It took a few months , but loves it now.
If she had gone home a full time sitter would have cost $6k a month-the nursing home is $4k

The other option is Grandma moving to live with her Daughter-but who really wants to do that-probably neither one.

Note to OP-I totally feel your frustration-one brother and I did it all-Brother put Mom to bed every night and Got her up-but then we hired someone to get her up and bathed for a few months

Sorry to diagree with the poster above me-but not everyone wants to do this daily with their parent, much less their grandparent. My Mom is not 'wasting away" at the nursing home-she has SO many activities every day-its SO much better that spending her days sleeping in her wheelchaisr at home ALL DAY LONG-even with a sitter-she'd refuse to do activities.

 

[englishteacha]

My husband and I have provided end-of-life care for two parents, his mother (we were 23) and my father (we were 27). It is draining, exhausting, and heartbreaking. My husband put off finishing college to take care of his mother, and then it was very hard for him to go back and complete his degree. I have several siblings, but my husband has only one, so my husband was the one to be with his mother all the time, clean up messes, etc. Thank goodness for hospice volunteers and hospice nurses. They were there to provide a break when he/we really needed it.

I think you need to look outside the family for some assistance. Even if it's one or two days a week, you will know that Grandma is OK and cared for those days, and you don't have to worry about it. Perhaps you could seek out a CNA or nursing student who would take care of her in exchange for room and board. It's a tough economy so people may be willing to barter their time in exchange for a place to live, knowing that certain hours they were responsible to help your grandma.

 

[hsmamato2]

first of all....OP you need to be really careful about deciding which of your family has the 'extra' time to devote to Grandma...why would you assume your SIL should drop her life at all times,when the rest of you are having issues doing that? Saying she only works p/t and sends the kids to school def. shows how little you as a single,unemployed young person understands about the demands of everyday life when raising a family.
You all have to come together and make a plan to help Grandma, not decide for each other how much time you should be spending with her.
Things change. When you get a job that precludes from driving her somewhere- then maybe it's time to call the local senior center for the bus ride schedule.
You also can't make her daughter move- any more than anyone can make you move.
What you can do is pool your resources of time and money to help out. Hire p/t help to visit,or drive her to the doctors. Your aunt may not be right there,but she can help that way.

 

[torinsmom]

Can you find someone(preferably a nursing or pre-med student) who can take care of grandma in exchange for free room and board? Family would probably still need to be available for doctor appts and things like that, but the every day stuff would be covered and grandma would be safe.

My mom swears she would rather die than be in a nursing home, after seeing how people she has loved have been neglected in them. I have sworn she will not be in one, if there is any way I can keep her in my home or find someone to help her out in her home.

 

[Swan4Me]

Can you find someone(preferably a nursing or pre-med student) who can take care of grandma in exchange for free room and board? Family would probably still need to be available for doctor appts and things like that, but the every day stuff would be covered and grandma would be safe.

My mom swears she would rather die than be in a nursing home, after seeing how people she has loved have been neglected in them. I have sworn she will not be in one, if there is any way I can keep her in my home or find someone to help her out in her home.

You know, hate to sound repetitive-I used to have these feeling too-until my Mom got into the wonderful place she is in. Not all nursing homes are these terrible places people envision-not at all.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Op, in our family there were 4 children and 2 adult grandchildren when my grandmother was still in her home alone and unable to care for herself daily. My grandfather had passed some time earlier.

We discussed many options. One issue, that I believe you're facing as well, is that someone really needs to be available around the clock. Not all the time all day, but just 'around'.

My then-dh, my family and I discussed moving in to care for her. That I would quit my job and be her caregiver, that her funds would pay for respite care when neither dh nor I could be there and to give me a break. Even if we had started a family, we would still have been able to do this. It would have been very hard for me, but I was willing because we didn't want her to have to leave her home. And that I would then inherit her home and be able to continue to live there. My family was fine with this, but in the end we all decided that it was better for my uncle (who was single) to move back in and be her main caregiver. (For reasons too long to explain here, but it was the right decision.)

Is it possible that you or your sister would consider taking the 'position', officially, as grandma's caregiver and have that be your job? Free room and board, and a small salary paid by sister, brother and aunt. If this is something either of you is willing to do, I suggest it only be done with a written agreement signed by all members of the family and it should spell everything out.

Also, one other thing to consider if funds are an issue to hire help to come in...if grandma owns her home a reverse mortgage or home equity or something like that might be a possibility. Perhaps you all can consult a financial advisor about that.