That's what DH & I are doing this week. DD14's 8th grade trip is going to cost $350 and because we have credit card debt and other bills to pay I do not want her to go but DH says he can come up with the money and let her have the experience. He even wants to give up his gym ($20/mo) for her trip but I won't let him do that for his health. He wants to pay less on our monthly credit card bill.
I figure she does not HAVE to go and we can probably wait to send her on her senior trip instead. 10% of the kids did not go last year and DD will get over it.
This is an email war
because I don't want the kids to be involved in hearing any discussion. Has anyone ever been in this situation?
So 90% of the kids DID go on the 8th grade trip last year. I'd do my best to send her on the trip. I have the impression that you just found out about this, so likely you don't have to pay right away.
I suggest that you have a yard sale, look for other ways to cut back, and get her involved: Can she rake leaves, babysit, etc. for neighbors?
8th grade doesn't come around again in a kid's life. It really is the end of childhood. She won't get a do over on this.
8th grade is the end of childhood? Not even close. I have a 9th grader. She and her friends are all children who show flashes of maturity at times . . . they certainly aren't getting jobs, beginning to follow politics, or investigating retirement portfolio options.
It's her one and only Christmas gift and you gave it to her early? That makes me sad for her on Christmas day but I can understand wanting to get as much use out of them as possible...
Yeah, I'm thinking the same thing.
After this situation is resolved, time for a long, discussion with DH about money, and debt and how you want to face it united. Sounds like you have lived perhaps beyond your means in the past and are now ready to make that change. That is great but its not fair to your DD to have to be the one to suffer for it. Good luck on all issues!
An excellent idea. OP, it sounds like you're barely making it, and your daughter's reaching an age when her expenses are going to increase. Believe me, I have a 14 and a 17 year old, and although I don't say "yes" to everything, I spend more on them than I did when they were younger. Braces, driving lessons, insurance, SATs, dresses for semi-formal and homecoming dances, college applications. It adds up, and you're going to want to say "yes" to those things as much as you want to say "yes" to this 8th grade trip.
You've got to get a handle on your expenses now, or you're not going to do it ever.
I would try to find a way to make it happen. Ten years from now, the UGGS won't be anything, but memories of her school trip will still have value.
I disgree slightly. I was a teen who got very, very few treats. Almost all my clothes came from yard sales or Goodwill. So the few really nice things I had, I remember well: A few Saddlebred button-downs, a Member's Only jacket, and a wooden-handled purse with interchangeable covers (it was the 80s). I probably remember those few luxuries with more clarity than would a kid who enjoyed a steady diet of nice things.
HOWEVER, every nice thing I had was either a birthday/Christmas gift from my grandmother, OR I bought it myself with money I earned from a really crappy job. My mother never bought me anything nice as a teen because, quite simply, she couldn't afford it.
In this case, the UGGS were a bad idea. The family can't afford them. If I were in their situation and my daughter wanted them so badly, I'd have tried to get a used pair on ebay.
I'm quoting myself because I think it's an important point that no one is addressing. IMO, the problem here seems to be lack of forethought.
Totally agree.
Then it's time for her dd to learn what happens when you spill milk. You can't beg for boots (that I assume you know are not an easily affordable item for your family) without thinking about your class trip. DD is old enough to participate in the clean up.
Disagree. Asking an 8th grader to understand the value of a dollar well enough to anticipate needs /costs that aren't coming up for months is asking too much. Shoot, how many adults can't anticipate and save for future events? An 8th grader just isn't ready for this.
My husband used to steal from the coin jar. It was a HUGE problem with us. But he felt deprived, so he took the money. I had to take measures to stop it. One, it turns out we don't do well with unmarked savings. Our savings has to be labeled for certain things. The coin jar wasn't FOR anything, so it had no purpose to him. Calling it the Tip Fund WORKED for us. [two, I had to write down all coins put in there and roll them as soon as possible] . . .Back when DH was stealing from the jar, we were making money that wasnt luxurious, but shouldn't have caused anyone to be stealing from savings. But we were. Repeatedly. We had major money leaks. And lots of emotional issues about money.....LOTS of them.
What I'm hearing: Get to know your own financial habits and communicate with your spouse. Excellent points. None of us have exactly the same comfort levels, habits, or relationships with our husbands/wives . . . so it's important to figure out your own budget needs together!
I think the OP is very typical of Americans today: She doesn't have a plan; thus, she's spending without real thought, and now it's hurting her.
If you don't want your daughter to despise you, let her go on the trip. This would have ruined my moms and I relationship for a very long time if she didn't let me on a class trip!
Disagree. I personally would let my daughter go on the trip, but it wouldn't be out of fear that she'd hate me later -- I've done plenty of things to make my girls mad at the moment, but they don't hate me today.
Instead, it's in the way that it's presented: IF the OP decides not to let the girl go on the trip, she needs to explain her reasons and let her see that it's a well-thought-out decision. Then she needs to let her daugther grieve a bit over the trip.
I'm remembering a trip to which my mom said no: It was a senior trip (not an official school thing). Money wasn't an issue because I had a job and the trip wasn't expensive -- my mom wouldn't have had to pay a cent. But my mom said no because it was to a rather wild location, and there would've been no supervision. She explained why she said no, and in my heart of hearts, I knew she was right. I was planning to do bad things on that trip. I didn't really accept her answer with good grace, but I also wasn't mad at her. I knew she was right.
You can buy a toilet in Lowes for under $100. I honestly think the OP is fishing for a Christmas handout. All she does is harp on her debt and then bring up how difficult it was to buy a toilet. I hope no one falls for it. The DIS gets so much of this every year at this time.
We bought a less-than-$100 toilet three years ago. I was a little concerned, thinking it might be crap (pun intended). But it's still in fine condition three years later. A family that can't afford a necessary $100 home repair really needs to revisit its priorities.
My guess is no. She apparently desperately wanted expensive boots enough to finagle getting them over a month before Christmas, but the trip payment is due in a few months and it's just now on their radar. This is not a child who passionately wants to go.
Maybe, maybe not. Most likely she's a child who doesn't understand what things cost, doesn't really know what her parents can/can't pay, and doesn't really have the ability to think in this way.
I like to think that every one has their vice. LOL. that one thing that for whatever reason we love and are willing to pay waaaay too much for.
That's a fair statement, and many of us will splurge on something that our child wants before we'll splurge on ourselves. BUT I can honestly say that I keep the splurges within our budget.
Regarding the UGGS, I agree it was a poor choice. But, I once saw a REALLY eye opening speaker on poverty when I taught Title 1. One thing she talked about was how our students would not have money for a coat or glasses, but then talk about how they got a new Wii or Xbox or whatever that was way more of a luxury. The parents justified it by "I can't give them much, so I am going to give them this thing so they are just like their peers." This is really hard for a lot of people to understand, and it doesn't make it right- if the kid needs a coat, he needs that before the iPod, but it does make sense. Now that is has been pointed out to me, I see it over and over again.
I remember hearing that same thing in a college education class. It really struck me as WRONG, and it was one of the first moments that I'd realized that although I was raised in poverty, I didn't have a poverty-mentality-upbringing. That is, I was first-generation poverty, so my mother approached things with a middle-class mentality -- even though she was in an awful financial situation. And although my family was poor, I had examples in my aunts, uncles, and grandparents of people who worked, saved, paid taxes, etc. Anyway, hearing this made me realize that although I had the experience of being poor, I don't think like a typical poor person.
In teaching, I frequently see what you're describing: Kids who can't pay for this or that, but who have an iPod Touch or a pair of UGGS or who buy $$$$ to a concert or who spend their last $5 on Starbucks. It's exactly what you describe: They have money for a small splurge, and for just a moment they want to have what others have.
A related topic: If the kid doesn't have a coat, parents can scrounge up a coat from somewhere: Their church, a charity, a sympathetic relative. If they can't afford the fee for the child to go on a school trip or join the track team, they have options: Apply for a waiver, take part in a fund raiser. But no one's going to buy your kid that iPod Touch. So, in a twisted way, some parents see this as the right way to spend.
Have you ever read
Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt? In it, he describes his childhood in Ireland, and it's shocking how the family spends. The kids are starving to death and need medical care, they aren't well protected against the winter cold, the outhouse next door literally floods their house . . . and the parents continue to buy cigarettes, and move everyone to the upstairs. And when they get a bit of money, instead of bettering their situation, they go to the movies. Read it. It's kind of a train wreck -- you won't be able to stop reading, even though you hate the parents.
