When spouses butt heads over spending

[hereyago]

When is the trip and when is the money due? if it is at the last part of school.your dh wants her to go? ok does he eat out every day for lunch at work? if so, he can cut that out and bring food from home.

Do you do starbucks, manicures, pedicures, all things no one NEEDs.


Change jar, that can add up quickly.


I'm not sure how "bare bones" you are at trying to bring down the credit card debt, but there are ways to cut down. No one really NEEDS a gym membership, there are ways to exercise,etc that you can be at home.

Discuss with your DH, ok you want her to go, show me without paying less on credit card bills how you think we can do it.

 

[wishesuponastar]

I would not feel comfortable at all to tell people what to give her for Christmas unless they ask and they don't normally. DD can tell family that she would need cash for the trip but I don't know if they will agree.

 

[QVCshopper]

Also, how old are your other kids? If they are younger, it would not be fair to your DD to not send her and then send a younger sibling a couple years later. Or, if you sent her older sibling, it's not fair to not send her. My parents did that; paid for college for my younger sisters but not me and my brother. I try soooo hard to keep things fair and even between siblings because of that.

 

[mrsklamc]

Life is about balance. I assume it's not your daughter's fault you are in debt and I assume you aren't about to be foreclosed on, unable to pay bills, etc.

We were poor when I was a kid, I went without a lot of things. Mostly, it built character. But I would have been devastated if I hadn't been able to go on my 8th grade class trip.

Especially since your DH wants her to go, debt or not, I think you should at least look into what it would take to come up with the money.

 

[hereyago]

Your DD is 14? she can also help make that money, babysitting, being a mother's helper part time, pet sitting(unless she has allergies), help older people with maybe raking leaves, or help clean.

 

[Marionnette]

Yes, we did buy her Uggs that she has been wanting forever and we promised them for her only Christmas gift. Then we got the school letter about the 8th grade trip. She wore the Uggs so can't take them back.

I do not have final say over my DH's gym membership, sorry if I made it seem that way. I just want him to know that it's important to keep it for his health, he wants to lose weight and it shouldn't be something that we take away just so DD can go on a trip.

I agree with a pp that didn't go on a trip and I was one of those kids too who was left behind and I turned out ok. Looking forward for the next year we have many bills coming up like house repairs, our family vacation and this 8th grade trip is not a requirement for DD's life experience to be complete.

You just got the letter, but obviously this is not something new for the 8th grade since you already stated that 10% of last year's class do no go.

So, is it the trip itself that caught you by surprise or just the dollar amount? Does the PTA have special funds for needy kids who would have to miss out on class activities? Maybe you can apply for those funds if money is so tight?

 

[coastiewifern]

I would not feel comfortable at all to tell people what to give her for Christmas unless they ask and they don't normally. DD can tell family that she would need cash for the trip but I don't know if they will agree.

I completely understand your discomfort with putting yourself further in debt. America's spending beyond our means culture has gotten us in a lot of trouble.
BUT perhaps there are other ways. We are pretty much in the habit of telling grandparents, aunts what the kids want for Christmas/birthdays. In fact they often ask now. However if you are not comfortable what about allowing your 14 year old to ask? Perhaps she can write a letter to those she usually gets gifts from explaining about the trip and how much it would mean to her to go. I would think between Christmas, birthday and babysitting jobs she could raise the $$ herself.

 

[Eeyore98]

There are ways to work out for free. I would let your husband give up the gym membership and just go running. If the weather is a concern, most community centers are free or very cheap for a year, and at least have an indoor track. I think ours is like $80 for a year.

I was too sick to go on my senior trip, so I'm very glad I didn't miss the 8th grade trip!

Both of ours were fully paid for by fundraising we did throughout the year. What's up with making the parents pay, anyway?

 

[Tiger926]

I am struggling with how to go on this one...

You are in debt, so you don't want to add to the debt with a trip, yet you bought a $150 pair of boots. Sorry, that one doesn't sit well with me.

Hubby and I have high salaries, yet we bought our daughter knock off Uggs, as the name is not important. Quality and price were, so we got a great quality boot, for $30.00. I suspect though that you bought your daughter the boots to fit in with the rest of the kids, as the name was probably very important. And if that is the case, then you should figure out how to get her on that trip. Why make her stick out by not going on the trip, yet you couldn't do the same with the boots by buying a cheaper pair, which in some cases, are better than Uggs?

I just think it's not fair for kids to suffer because of their parents' bad decisions. You say you are in debt, but you don't say how much? It is responsible of you to not want to add more debt, but you are doing so the expense of a school trip, which could be very important to your daughter.

Let your hubby give up his gym membership, as again, he can do exercise in other ways without paying that fee. Put that towards the trip. What about her contributing in some way - paper route, babysitting, etc.? Not sure if you eat out, coffee, etc., but cut out all of that as well too.

I think you all need to work together to figure out a way to get her on that trip, IMHO.

Tiger

 

[sumlthomp]

My son went on his 8th grade trip to DC last year. His was $475 for the 3 days, but we were able to make payments on it throughout the year plus they even did a fundraiser which allowed him to earn money off the cost of his trip. I would check to see if they are allowing you to make payments so that maybe you don't have to pay it all at once. Then maybe you could do different things for the next several months to save the money (such as change jar, ebay, craigslist, coupon, etc.) I think it's important for them to go and experience this trip. It's a big deal for them and they get to see so many wonderful places. I remember my 8th grade trip to DC and I know my son has great memories from his now.

 

[bemily]

I think that is a wonderful idea about the letter...

350$ spread out over the course of a 10-month or so school year is only 35$ a month if you think of it in those terms, and quite honestly she will remember the experience as I assume she doesnt go on many trips without her family (what 14 year old does??).. I remember my trip from when I was that age and I know my parents had to re-budget to make it work (and I was the youngest of 4), but they wouldnt allow us to miss it as it was a big part of our "growing up experience"...

Certainly no one can tell you what to do or how to spend (or not spend) your money, but I think you are getting valuable opinions here..

Again, good luck with your decision!!

I completely understand your discomfort with putting yourself further in debt. America's spending beyond our means culture has gotten us in a lot of trouble.
BUT perhaps there are other ways. We are pretty much in the habit of telling grandparents, aunts what the kids want for Christmas/birthdays. In fact they often ask now. However if you are not comfortable what about allowing your 14 year old to ask? Perhaps she can write a letter to those she usually gets gifts from explaining about the trip and how much it would mean to her to go. I would think between Christmas, birthday and babysitting jobs she could raise the $$ herself.

 

[Patience]

I am pretty conservative when it comes to finances and I agree that you are in a financial hole with much bigger expenses looming in your immediate future (college and retirement) BUT I think you should make the trip happen for her if there's any way to do it without going into more debt. I know my daughter would hate to be among the ten percent left back at the school. Would she survive? Of course she would but I would do what I could to make the trip happen for her. Can your daughter earn money babysitting? Can you figure out ways to trim the budget? Sell things on craigslist or have a yard sale? I also think it's a good idea to suggest to extended family (if they ask, of course) that your daughter would appreciate money for Christmas because of the class trip. I know that I would gladly do that for my nieces and nephews. $300 doesn't seem like that much to come up with if you all put your heads together and make it a family affair.

 

[tlenzendorf]

My vote is to figure out how to get the money and let her go. My DD has their school's Washington DC trip this year(unexpected to me, new school) and it's quite expensive, $875. I never got to do any of that stuff when I was in school because my mother wouldn't let me-just because she was jealous and bipolar, but that's another story. I am still not over it. I want to give my kids every advantage I can that I didn't get so they don't have to live with the regrets. It really isn't your daughter's fault you are in debt but she has to suffer the consequences.

It's definitely a sting for the kids who can't go on those trips. DD and her friend were in the car the other day and my DD brought up the Washington DC trip and her friend teared up and had tears running down her face-she can't go unless she gets a scholarship. Check with the school and see if they have a scholarship she can apply for.

The agreement that we have is that DD has to use her own money for spending money. Babysitting, her birthday, Christmas, etc. Does she have any old toys or do you have a stockpile of things you could put out and have a garage sale to try to raise the extra funds?

 

[Marionnette]

OP, I'm just curious where you are with this project?

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2691166

Today is Thursday, March 31, the 90th day of 2011. There are 275 days left in the year. Time enough to save $1 a day ~~

put those Dollars in a jar and see how it grows !!

Let's check in with each other and update

By my calculations, you should have close to $230 in your dollar jar and you were going to give that to your husband. Could you use it for your daughter's trip instead?

Just a thought.

 

[MomtoGKC]

I hate to say it, but I'd also do what I could to let her go because it is a once in a lifetime experience. My DH and I also butted heads over my DD's class trip this year. She is in 5th grade and the Safety Patrols get a chance to go to Washington DC. It will cost between $800-900 depending on how many kids go. DH was dead set against it, not because of the cost (which is outrageous though), but because she is SO young to go that far away without us. The school does not let parents volunteer. We talked about it a lot, but he won out because he was worried about her safety. I wasn't 100% happy with the idea either so I gave in.

Now, we also had the same problem when she was in 4th grade and she wanted to go to overnight camp for a weekend. He wasn't happy about her going away then either, but since it was only 2 nights and one town away I won out there.

I think the other poster who said whoever is most passionate seems to win is the same way it has been working in our family. When she is older, like your 8th grader, I will push harder if DH is still so worried about her leaving us. I think these trips are a great opportunity and help them become more independent.

My DD isn't happy about not going to DC, but she understands I think. The school offers an alternate trip to Orlando (we're about 3 hours away so it's a day trip for $90) and she will go on that. The only problem there is last year they went to Universal and this year they are doing Sea World - she wanted Universal!

 

[Kellydelly]

Personally I think the fee isn't exhorbinant, so if it is for at least 2 nights I would find a way for her to go; unless she is a selfish, ungrateful brat. My 5th grader almost missed her class camp trip because of her bad attitude ($160 for 2 nights). I think the $800 plus trips I have seen people post about for 3 or so nights are ridiculous. I hope there are no $$$ 8th grade trips in my kids' future for me to fuss over! I can see springing for a $$ senior trip, but not so much for an 8th grader.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Hubby gets my vote too. I think you need to make it happen. Cut back where ever you can and encourage her to babysit, pet sit or whatever to help out but if you are really in dept, that little bit of money is not going to make a huge difference.

After this situation is resolved, time for a long, discussion with DH about money, and debt and how you want to face it united. Sounds like you have lived perhaps beyond your means in the past and are now ready to make that change. That is great but its not fair to your DD to have to be the one to suffer for it. Good luck on all issues!

 

[disneypharm]

I will let her go, especially for $350. Our 8th grade trip is $2600. DD13 doesn't want to go because the trip is to DC, New York, and Philadelphia for only 6 days. I have heard the trip is very exhausting for the kids and they still have to complete all their home works and study for tests while on the trip. Half of the class are not going, including some of her friends. We will do a family trip to that area next year instead.

 

[Pumbaa_]

You mentioned a couple times you did not get to go and you turned out just fine. Is that part of the reason you don't want her to go? Because you were not able to have this opportunity?

I was fortunate enough to be able to go on my 8th grade class trip and am grateful for the experience. It was a wonderful experience and I am glad my parents were able to make it happen for me

First you need to decide why you do or do not think she deserves this chance. If you think she does deserve it, fine a way to make it happen! Make it a family project. Come out of the fighting with your husband, talk tot the kids and see what everyone can compromise on.

Most importantly, why are you really fighting with your DH about this?

 

[wishesuponastar]

I just don't see where DD will suffer in the grand scheme of life when I find it hard to come up with the money for her trip. But it did touch my heart that a pp posted that a child did cry when they couldn't get to go and the trip was discussed.

To the pp who asked about my coin change project. I am sad to say that I haven't saved anything. It was a good idea but every time DH says we don't have any money til next paycheck then I had to dip in to the change jar. This is the story of our life until we pay off the credit card debt and why I am so passionate to not spend any more money on "extra stuff". Now about the Uggs we are not going to pass up Christmas gifts so that is why we bought her those and that is her total budget on one item that she decided.

Also to answer a pp who said am I going to let younger DD go on her 8th grade trip? NO WAY. What I do for one child I do for the other except this year for Christmas I am going to spend less on younger DD just because she won't really know the value of things and she'll be happy with what we will get her for Christmas.

I am taking all of everyone's advice and will really think of ways we can save to pay for it. She really can't work to help pay for it as she is very involved in orchestra and a few other things she does plus school work. The trip money is due by February so not alot of time.