When spouses butt heads over spending

[gracie1]

I never had trips in my school either. Just a day trip, but no weekend trips or weeklong trips. I honestly can't even remember if there were a senior trip, but if there was none of my friends or I went

 

[kimkoz]

Sorry I'm with your DH on this one too. I'm 30 and still remember my 8th grade trip. It was my first big trip away from home with no parents. So much fun. Not knowing when the trip is, sorry I didn't read all the post I'd say there is so much she can do to take an active part in this budget. I remember when I was in school they gave a base rate, then we worked on fundraisers. Also nothing is stopping you from your own type of fundraiser. She can collect soda cans for deposit (if your state has that), maybe consign some clothes she no longer wears, maybe if she received any money from now till them make her save most for the trip. I think its sweat your DH wants this so much for her. I'd definantly give up a gym membership to save. You can do so much at home or outside. It's a small change in my eyes. Kids are only kids once

 

[wishesuponastar]

I just find it strange that all these schools have organized trips. We never had any trips at school. Not 5th grade, 8th grade or senior year. If we would have had them, there is no way my parents could have afforded them, not even if it was $50. I feel some are being unfair to the OP regarding their debt, saying it's not the child's fault so they shouldn't have to suffer. We don't know what caused the debt. My DH's position was eliminated last year and in order to stay on he had to accept a lower position with a huge pay cut. We ended up having to use the credit card for a couple months to tide us over. My 11yr old knew that we didn't have any extra money so he knew he wouldn't be able to do some things he wanted. I would hope a teenager would understand if the money wasn't there for a trip. I would expect they would be disappointed but be mature enough to deal with it. OP, if your debt is high enough that it is making you uncomfortable about sending your DD on the trip then maybe you need to sit down with your DH face to face and discuss it instead of emailing each other.

Thank you for understanding my issues about the trip concerning our money situation

Oh, btw we stopped emailing when work was over and we had a good heart to heart about the finances. Still deciding what to do.

And about DD's Christmas present being given early, not to worry, she'll still get some things in her stocking and she was VERY appreciative with that.

 

[eliza61]

That's what DH & I are doing this week. DD14's 8th grade trip is going to cost $350 and because we have credit card debt and other bills to pay I do not want her to go but DH says he can come up with the money and let her have the experience. He even wants to give up his gym ($20/mo) for her trip but I won't let him do that for his health. He wants to pay less on our monthly credit card bill. I figure she does not HAVE to go and we can probably wait to send her on her senior trip instead. 10% of the kids did not go last year and DD will get over it.

This is an email war because I don't want the kids to be involved in hearing any discussion. Has anyone ever been in this situation?

I'm going to vote with hubby on this one.

If he is willing to sacrifice to afford it, why shouldn't he be able to. Senior trip is 4 years away.

Can she chip in some of the money? that will give you and indication of how important it is to her.

If I could do it without adding to the debt I would. maybe make it a Christmas present.

P.S. in answer to your original question. Yep, dh and I often disagree about how to spend money. we're 2 different individuals, pretty natural. we are really great at compromising.

 

[eliza61]

"In this economy" has got to be one of the most annoying and overused phrases. If 90% of the class can go, then I really wouldn't blame the economy on anything.

Along with "they didn't do that in my day and I turned out ok".

Whether or not schools had class trips when you were young is moot. I didn't have computers or cell phones when I was a kid and I certainly would not deny my kids those things.

Not having some thing when we were young is a lousy excuse.

 

[punkin]

While I wouldn't lower the credit card payments, I would give up a GYM membership in an instant to provide this trip to my DD. I still remember my 8th grade trip to DC. We had an absolute ball. So I guess I agree with your DH.

 

[Crystal824]

I would cut whatever I could to make it happen. No, I didn't go on any class trips like this in middle or high school, but they weren't offered. We just did some day field trips. This sounds like an important experience for your daughter. I would try to make it happen.

 

[kt_mom]

I just find it strange that all these schools have organized trips. We never had any trips at school. Not 5th grade, 8th grade or senior year. If we would have had them, there is no way my parents could have afforded them, not even if it was $50. I feel some are being unfair to the OP regarding their debt, saying it's not the child's fault so they shouldn't have to suffer. We don't know what caused the debt. My DH's position was eliminated last year and in order to stay on he had to accept a lower position with a huge pay cut. We ended up having to use the credit card for a couple months to tide us over. My 11yr old knew that we didn't have any extra money so he knew he wouldn't be able to do some things he wanted. I would hope a teenager would understand if the money wasn't there for a trip. I would expect they would be disappointed but be mature enough to deal with it. OP, if your debt is high enough that it is making you uncomfortable about sending your DD on the trip then maybe you need to sit down with your DH face to face and discuss it instead of emailing each other.

But they do have some extra money. At least for gym memberships. Which the husband is willing to drop to help pay for this trip.

I think they should do what they can to make the trip happen for their DD. But I would also enlist her help in coming up with the money. Even a busy kid will find a way to help get something they really want. A little weekend babysitting could put a big dent in the $350 by february. As would asking grandparents or others that give her gifts at Christmas to consider donating toward the trip.

 

[disykat]

If this trip is something "everyone" goes on, surely DD knew about this trip when she was negotiating for the UGGs. I think the trip actually sounds reasonable pricewise - but DD should have to do some sacrificing if she wants to go IMO.

I'm quoting myself because I think it's an important point that no one is addressing. IMO, the problem here seems to be lack of forethought.

 

[ZehnJahren]

I guess I'll be a dissenter - no, I don't think your DD should go.

I'll be even more of a dissenter, and say NO, your DH should NOT give up his gym membership! Your husband's ongoing health is FAR MORE IMPORTANT than a few days on a trip.

When you're saying you're in debt so badly that you have to swipe out of a change jar in order to pay for everyday things, you're in real trouble and it's time to cut the bullsh*t. DD received a pricey pair of boots for Christmas, and some people aren't willing to cut their Christmas budget - but if you're in such dire straits, that $150 should have gone to debt and the $350 for the trip should go to debt as well. If you weren't willing to cut your budget at all, then the $150 shoes should be IT.

I went on my 7th grade trip (not my 8th), and the trip was really just a power struggle for the cliques. I had an ok time, but really just fought with my friends the rest of the time. I was relieved not to go the next year.

I also came from a family that didn't have much, and I knew it. Therefore, I knew better than to ask for super-expensive items, as I understood that if Mom bought those items (which she sometimes would), it meant an extra shift at work for her and I wasn't willing to do that. One Christmas, we both had one gift under the tree (I believe I got a cd, and I bought her a tube of lipstick) - and it was one of the best Christmases I can remember. We baked cookies together, sang Christmas songs, watched Christmas movies, and decorated the whole house; I don't remember being the least bit disappointed.

Sounds like 1) you need to have a real discussion with your husband about your financial status; 2) you then need to have a family discussion with a clear plan as to how you're going to proceed; and 3) you need to put that plan in action. DD should not expect an expensive Christmas present AND a school trip; in my house, it would have been neither, though I'd have felt like a million bucks had I gotten either. DD just got a great gift, and DH needs to stay fit for many, many reasons.
No person holds a lifetime of regret for missing an 8th grade trip (unless they had a lot of other issues that also need to be addressed). I'd say no.


(also, as a p.s., this is a GREAT lesson for DD on planning for the future. Maybe you could use this as a springboard for starting a savings account for her for the future?)

 

[mrsklamc]

I'm quoting myself because I think it's an important point that no one is addressing. IMO, the problem here seems to be lack of forethought.

I think no one is addressing it, because it's spilt milk at this point.

 

[mrsklamc]

Your husband's ongoing health is FAR MORE IMPORTANT than a few days on a trip.

Yes it is. And he can exercise for free.

 

[Tiger926]

I just find it strange that all these schools have organized trips. We never had any trips at school. Not 5th grade, 8th grade or senior year. If we would have had them, there is no way my parents could have afforded them, not even if it was $50. I feel some are being unfair to the OP regarding their debt, saying it's not the child's fault so they shouldn't have to suffer. We don't know what caused the debt. My DH's position was eliminated last year and in order to stay on he had to accept a lower position with a huge pay cut. We ended up having to use the credit card for a couple months to tide us over. My 11yr old knew that we didn't have any extra money so he knew he wouldn't be able to do some things he wanted. I would hope a teenager would understand if the money wasn't there for a trip. I would expect they would be disappointed but be mature enough to deal with it. OP, if your debt is high enough that it is making you uncomfortable about sending your DD on the trip then maybe you need to sit down with your DH face to face and discuss it instead of emailing each other.

The problem is that she purchased a $150.00 pair of boots, so if money is that tight, then that is a huge issue. So, it's not unfair for many of us to question that purchase, as it's purchases like those that add to the debt. I asked about a Christmas budget, but that question was not answered either. With Christmas coming up, that could also weigh very heavily on her budget, as the trip needs to be paid for in Feb.

They had to know that a trip was possible this year, so perhaps OP was not planning on allowing her daughter to go on it at all? I guess I am still confused about the planning process, as there seems to not be any planning or foresight here at all. I have a 4 year old, and I know that one day, he may have a grade 8 trip, so I am just confused by the whole thing. Or, maybe they just recently had a job loss, or, they have been dealing with debt for awhile?

But they do have some extra money. At least for gym memberships. Which the husband is willing to drop to help pay for this trip.

I think they should do what they can to make the trip happen for their DD. But I would also enlist her help in coming up with the money. Even a busy kid will find a way to help get something they really want. A little weekend babysitting could put a big dent in the $350 by february. As would asking grandparents or others that give her gifts at Christmas to consider donating toward the trip.

If they are in debt though, then they don't have extra for gym memberships and Ugg boots, as I'm sure those things are going on a credit card. If not and cash was paid, then they can surely use the gym membership towards the trip. I also think that the daughter had to have known about the trip when she asked for an expensive Christmas present. It didn't just come from nowhere...trips take time to plan, and chances are, the school has been going on this trip for years and years.

I firmly believe the daughter needs to contribute for sure. If she hadn't already worn the boots, those would be returned, but since that's not possible, a part time job or some other way to earn money is in order.

Sure mom and dad's debts are not the kids' problems, but they are if kids are demanding expensive items. Maybe items are just put on the credit card without any regard for payment afterward, so like a previous poster said, this is a good lesson for the entire household.

If though the debt is from a job loss or medical reason, then perhaps the trip is too much for their budget at this time, and daughter would have to rectify herself with not going.

We really don't have enough info to know just what their budget is like, debt ratio, trip itinerary, etc. to help her make this decision in a proper way.

Tiger

 

[StitchBuddy]

I agree with your husband. An 8th grade trip only comes once. That being said, yes we do disagree on money, but not often. We both grew up without lots of extras, so we feel it is important to try and give our DD14 some. That being said, I would explain that this would be part of her Christmas. My DD would be fine with that.

 

[ZehnJahren]

Yes it is. And he can exercise for free.

I couldn't personally run outside in Chicago in the winter. And I can't do any of those "on tv" workouts - I don't have the right kind of space. So in the space I DO have, I own a treadmill. If you don't own one and you run, the gym it is. And for $20 a month, that's completely reasonable at much less than $1 a day.

But, if he's willing to give it up, then take the $20 a month and put it towards debt. Don't incur more. $500 for a Christmas gift ($150 for the shoes + 350 for the trip) is inexcusable if you're in enough debt that you can't save $1 a day. Again, it's a good lesson for kids - when you buy things, they cost money, and if you don't make enough money to cover all of the purchases (including your home, cars, or food), then some things have to go - and those things are the items that do not contribute to day-to-day life. The mortgage has to be paid, the cars have to be paid, gas has to be bought, food has to be bought.

 

[disykat]

I think no one is addressing it, because it's spilt milk at this point.

Then it's time for her dd to learn what happens when you spill milk. You can't beg for boots (that I assume you know are not an easily affordable item for your family) without thinking about your class trip. DD is old enough to participate in the clean up.

 

[wishesuponastar]

People, the issue is not about my DD's Christmas present that we did save up for. The original question was about butting heads with your spouse over finances. The school trip is just one example where we disagree how to spend our money. We also had a toilet break on us, we have other toilets to use but this one is on the main floor so it would be nice to have so MIL can come over since it's hard for her to do stairs. We both agreed on this purchase but not the toilet choice. I gave in to DH's choice and we were lucky to get 6 months no interest from Lowe's. We sure want to pay that off in 6 months because the interest rate is 25%. Buying things is probably the cause of many disagreements in families.

 

[MinnieVanMom]

Here is what I think. I think you should think. Do you really need to ask if you should buy your DD uggs? Do you need to ask if you should buy her a trip?

These are issues that only you and your family know. Debt is created by the person and if you have it, you need to pay it back. I strongly suggest Dave Ramsey and his plan for financial freedom. Break the habit.

I want a ton of stuff but I buy what I need and stay out of debt.

Think, pray and think again. You will get the answers to your life problems.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

DH and I very seldom ever butt heads over spending money. The only time we have issues is when he tells me he owes his mother $2k for his portion of a new roof, furnace and kitchen remodel for his mother's house.

Yes, sometimes expenses come up that are unexpected and you have to pay. We just had a huge medical expense that really freaked me out, but we got through it. I would tell DD that she needs to earn half of the money to go on the trip. She needs to call or write any grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc that give her Christmas presents and ask for money towards the trip. If she has a birthday before then than there is more money. I know you say she is busy with activities, but she should be able to babysit on Saturday nights. My sister pays $50 every time she uses a sitter. She should be able to easily earn $175 by February with all of the holiday parties people attend in December.

 

[ZehnJahren]

People, the issue is not about my DD's Christmas present that we did save up for. The original question was about butting heads with your spouse over finances. The school trip is just one example where we disagree how to spend our money. We also had a toilet break on us, we have other toilets to use but this one is on the main floor so it would be nice to have so MIL can come over since it's hard for her to do stairs. We both agreed on this purchase but not the toilet choice. I gave in to DH's choice and we were lucky to get 6 months no interest from Lowe's. We sure want to pay that off in 6 months because the interest rate is 25%. Buying things is probably the cause of many disagreements in families.

I hear you. I save up for stuff too, so I can pay for expensive stuff in cash. For example, $10 a week over a year is a lot of money. So the answer should be - yes, I butt heads with DBF over money. I'm a saver, he's a spender. But it works out for us. If he wants something we'd usually split and I say I can't do it at the time (which doesn't mean I don't have the money, it just means I put a different value on it than he does), he either doesn't do it or he puts more of his money into it and does it himself. We don't hold grudges over the money, either. That's how we keep sane.

I think everyone will clash over money at some time; we all just have different priorities.