When something nice turns into something ugly...

[SLK1]

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this year and because of everyone's busy schedules and "life" in general, we were not able to celebrate. Now, DH has planned a nice little get-together with our family of 6, and DB's family of 4 and my parents. DH planned the whole thing because he felt it was important to celebrate (mind you, my parents are totally low-key and celebrating their anniversary is just not a priority for them...they usually will do a simple dinner out on anniversaries). Then, our family is going on a three-day cruise and my parents are joining us. DH said they would pay their own way, it wasn't a "gift" from us. Brothers both asked what we were giving as gifts, I said nothing.

Now DH has changed his tune, wants to pay for the cruise (it's Florida resident rates and only a three-day, so not a HUGE amount of money) and wants me to have the brothers chip in (one brother can't come to the party at all). I don't think that's right. I think we should have the party, and since it was all his planning, we have to foot the bill, and pay for their cruise but keep it quiet. I don't want anyone else to feel bad for not getting a gift. He just thinks I should pick up the phone and have them fork over money.

As you can imagine, it's all blown up between me and DH and we are not even speaking. So, am I right???

 

[Allison]

I'm with you. You don't ask someone to chip in for a vacation that is already planned. That needed to be discussed before your parents were even approached about it. It is not fair to the siblings to come up with this after the fact.

 

[sunshinehighway]

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this year and because of everyone's busy schedules and "life" in general, we were not able to celebrate. Now, DH has planned a nice little get-together with our family of 6, and DB's family of 4 and my parents. DH planned the whole thing because he felt it was important to celebrate (mind you, my parents are totally low-key and celebrating their anniversary is just not a priority for them...they usually will do a simple dinner out on anniversaries). Then, our family is going on a three-day cruise and my parents are joining us. DH said they would pay their own way, it wasn't a "gift" from us. Brothers both asked what we were giving as gifts, I said nothing.

Now DH has changed his tune, wants to pay for the cruise (it's Florida resident rates and only a three-day, so not a HUGE amount of money) and wants me to have the brothers chip in (one brother can't come to the party at all). I don't think that's right. I think we should have the party, and since it was all his planning, we have to foot the bill, and pay for their cruise but keep it quiet. I don't want anyone else to feel bad for not getting a gift. He just thinks I should pick up the phone and have them fork over money.

As you can imagine, it's all blown up between me and DH and we are not even speaking. So, am I right???

So he wants you all to pay for the cruise as a gift to your parents? If that's the case I'd ask if your brothers had gotten anything yet and ask if they'd like to chip in on the cruise as an anniversary gift.

 

[goofinoff]

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this year and because of everyone's busy schedules and "life" in general, we were not able to celebrate. Now, DH has planned a nice little get-together with our family of 6, and DB's family of 4 and my parents. DH planned the whole thing because he felt it was important to celebrate (mind you, my parents are totally low-key and celebrating their anniversary is just not a priority for them...they usually will do a simple dinner out on anniversaries). Then, our family is going on a three-day cruise and my parents are joining us. DH said they would pay their own way, it wasn't a "gift" from us. Brothers both asked what we were giving as gifts, I said nothing. Now DH has changed his tune, wants to pay for the cruise (it's Florida resident rates and only a three-day, so not a HUGE amount of money) and wants me to have the brothers chip in (one brother can't come to the party at all). I don't think that's right. I think we should have the party, and since it was all his planning, we have to foot the bill, and pay for their cruise but keep it quiet. I don't want anyone else to feel bad for not getting a gift. He just thinks I should pick up the phone and have them fork over money. As you can imagine, it's all blown up between me and DH and we are not even speaking. So, am I right???

I agree with you. It would be different if EVERYONE was going on the trip but since it's just your family and your parents I don't think the brothers should have to pitch in. Now if they want to pitch in for the party I would accept.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sounds like your DH is very very overly vested in your parents anniversary.
Is there some secret reason that he might be up-to-something?

This kind of a situation is not always completely positive.

And, no, he should have no expectations at all when it comes to your brothers.

Am I not reading all of this right, because I am kind of confused.

 

[dbramer]

I completely agree. If it was intended as a gift, then the discussions should have taken place before the recipients were approached. You can't gp back afterwards and ask others to "chip in." If my sister called and asked me to do that I would be just a little peeved, especially if I was the one who couldn't make it. DH needs to suck it up and you need to foot the bill now that it has been announced.

Next time make sure your DH knows to discuss it before it becomes a "done deal."

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

You can't get someone a gift and then tell someone else they have to help you pay for it.

 

[Wendy31]

Have your parents already been invited to join you on the cruise & are already planning to go & planning to pay for themselves?

I tend to agree w/ the previous posters. It's not really polite to ask someone to chip in for something after the fact. What if a 1/3 of the cost of the cruise for your parents is beyond their budget? You've kind of put them in a hard spot if that's the case.

However, since your brothers asked what y'all are getting for your parents as a gift, you could come back & say something like, "Well, DH & I have been talking... y'all know that Mom & Dad are going on a cruise w/ us. If we all wanted to give them something, we could go in together & pay for the cruise as a joint anniversary gift..." and just see where it leads.

Your brothers, however, might feel like, since their families aren't going on the cruise as well while your family is, that it's not really "fair" for them to have to pay.

I definitely would NOT go to my brothers & say, "We're going to pay Mom & Dad's way on the cruise. Your portion will be $______."

It's very nice of your DH to plan an anniversary get together for your parents & then decide to pay their portion of the cruise. But he did these things w/o talking to or consulting your brothers, so, unless your brothers volunteer to contribute (either for the get-together or the cruise), there's really no polite way to come back later & say your brothers must contribute.

 

[ebtbmom]

Why is your husband planning parties and gifts for your parents?

 

[NMAmy]

No, if you (or your husband) has decided to give the cruise as a gift, then it's yours to pay for--no way I'd try to get siblings to pitch in. The time to talk about it is in the original planning stages and giving everyone a chance for input. Presenting it as a done deal is rude and inconsiderate.

It kind of reminds me of the time my sister planned a big family destination birthday party for my mother and invited several cousins and aunts who couldn't afford to make the trip. Even though I was unable to attend, she had the gall to email me and present me with an amount of money I "owed her" for my mother and for a portion of the housing and food for the cousins and aunts. Umm...NO. You decided to do that--I was never consulted in any way. I'd already purchased a gift for my mom and had taken her out to an expensive restaurant she'd been wanting to try.

 

[DavidG1966]

You are correct.

 

[aprilgail2]

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this year and because of everyone's busy schedules and "life" in general, we were not able to celebrate. Now, DH has planned a nice little get-together with our family of 6, and DB's family of 4 and my parents. DH planned the whole thing because he felt it was important to celebrate (mind you, my parents are totally low-key and celebrating their anniversary is just not a priority for them...they usually will do a simple dinner out on anniversaries). Then, our family is going on a three-day cruise and my parents are joining us. DH said they would pay their own way, it wasn't a "gift" from us. Brothers both asked what we were giving as gifts, I said nothing.

Now DH has changed his tune, wants to pay for the cruise (it's Florida resident rates and only a three-day, so not a HUGE amount of money) and wants me to have the brothers chip in (one brother can't come to the party at all). I don't think that's right. I think we should have the party, and since it was all his planning, we have to foot the bill, and pay for their cruise but keep it quiet. I don't want anyone else to feel bad for not getting a gift. He just thinks I should pick up the phone and have them fork over money.

As you can imagine, it's all blown up between me and DH and we are not even speaking. So, am I right???

I have no clue why you would have your husband planning a party and gift for YOUR parents....but at any rate if you invited them on the cruise then YOU pay for the cruise. There is no way I would ask my brothers who are not even going on the cruise to chip in-no way.

 

[sam_gordon]

You are correct in that you can't force the brothers to pay for part of the cruise. However, I don't see a problem with calling the brothers and saying something like...

"You know mom & dad are going on this cruise with us. We're going to pay for the cruise as a surprise gift. Would you like to chip in?"

If they say no (and they don't have to give a reason), then drop it. If they say yes, simply accept any money they offer. If they ask how much they owe, I'd tell them what the cost is for your parent's portion and say anything they can give would be appreciated by your parents.

But I do think, even if they give only $25, then you let you parents know the cruise is a gift from the entire family.

 

[kathie859]

I'm trying to imagine under what circumstance a son-in-law would be making these sorts of plans (in-law party and gift) with no input from the entire family.

To answer your question OP, yeah, I'd be a tad ticked, too. No way would I be putting a touch on my brothers to fund this endeavor after plans have been made. The time to ask if they wanted to participate would have been early in the planning process.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

Sorry but your dh is completely in the wrong here. He decided what your parents' anniversary gift would be and then, on his own and without any input from the rest of the extended family, decided to make it a group gift. Who is he to tell your brothers what their gift to THEIR parents will be? Now he is putting you in the delicate position of asking for money and risk offending your brothers and causing a family rift. So your family gets the best of both worlds. You get to go on the cruise with your parents and see them enjoying themselves with you and your children while expecting others to foot 2/3 of the bill (for your parents) when they won't even be there and, more importantly, never planned or agreed to any of this. Not cool.

 

[brockash]

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this year and because of everyone's busy schedules and "life" in general, we were not able to celebrate. Now, DH has planned a nice little get-together with our family of 6, and DB's family of 4 and my parents. DH planned the whole thing because he felt it was important to celebrate (mind you, my parents are totally low-key and celebrating their anniversary is just not a priority for them...they usually will do a simple dinner out on anniversaries). Then, our family is going on a three-day cruise and my parents are joining us. DH said they would pay their own way, it wasn't a "gift" from us. Brothers both asked what we were giving as gifts, I said nothing.

Now DH has changed his tune, wants to pay for the cruise (it's Florida resident rates and only a three-day, so not a HUGE amount of money) and wants me to have the brothers chip in (one brother can't come to the party at all). I don't think that's right. I think we should have the party, and since it was all his planning, we have to foot the bill, and pay for their cruise but keep it quiet. I don't want anyone else to feel bad for not getting a gift. He just thinks I should pick up the phone and have them fork over money.

As you can imagine, it's all blown up between me and DH and we are not even speaking. So, am I right???

I think you're right, but it seems really odd that your dh is planning this whole thing seemingly by himself for your parents. At the very least shouldn't you guys together have at least discussed it and made the decisions/arrangements? If not, then I suppose your dh should be the one to talk to the brothers about it, but the whole thing is just odd.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, very odd....
I keep thinking there must be more to this... something behind this...

I can just imagine how it would fly if my husband planned something for MY parents, and insisted that I have my siblings pay for it.....

I am just like

 

[LindaBabe]

If you approach the brothers, you can expect hard feelings. My sister-in-law planned a surprise birthday party for her mother near their home, 1000 miles from us, informed us when it would be, show up, and here's how much you owe. we were BOTH fit to be tied, we were both working, had our mortgage, regular bills and limited vacation time for which we already had plans.

 

[kirstenb1]

this is a red hot mess. You guys are on the hook for the decisions your dh made.

 

[sk!mom]

I guess I'm also not really understanding the situation and why your DH is running the show. Is he normally the party/event planner in your relationship?

Are your parents currently planning on paying for the cruise themselves? If they are then I would probably just leave it but if you can afford such a generous gift that's fine too.

It isn't right to totally plan a gift and then ask someone else to help pay. However, since your brothers asked if you were getting a gift and you said no then you should tell them that you've changed your mind and decided to gift them the cruise. Since they asked, I assume that they don't want to not have a gift if gifts are being given. In that conversation, I see nothing wrong with a casual "You can chip in on that if you want." And then leave it. If they chip in even a small amount then give the cruise as a group gift.

I don't really understand why you guys are fighting over this. It doesn't seem like something to make a big deal over.