When something nice turns into something ugly...

[NHdisneylover]

I agree with everyone else that you cannot tell other people that there is a group gift, one you (well, your DH) decided to give, without consulting the other people, one that your family gets to enjoy but the others to do not that they have to help pay for. Your husband is completely out of line with that idea.

If there was going to be a group gift, it needed to be discussed AS A GROUP and everyone have a say in what it was and what the cost would be (and have the option to not be a part, with no hard feelings) before a decision was made.


My in laws celebrated their 50th anniversary earlier this summer. The three siblings who live nearby got together and planned a family weekend full of activities at a cabin, hired a caterer, etc. They knew we could not make it (flights alone would have been hugely expensive, and our kids were not yet out of school for the summer). We offered to chip in, but they told us that was silly since we were not there to enjoy it too (and they still made a point to include us via facetime at a set appointment). So we arranged for something else to be from us.

I think that was fair, and the right thing to do.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would have to agree that if splitting the cost of your parents cruise was not discussed beforehand then you cannot demand money from your siblings now.

You might, as a PP suggested, mention that you & DH have decided to gift your presents the cruise so if they want to chip in in that, they are welcome but that you hold no expectation that they should. You might just want to reiterate that you are telling them because you had originally told them that you weren't getting your parents anything, but then you decided to do this. If presented that way, your siblings might think "oh good. That'll be an easy way to give mom and dad a nice gift. I'll just send Sis some money for the cruise rather than trying to figure out something else to get them".

Another alternative is to see if there is something on the cruise that would be an extra charge (a special show or off the ship tour) and let your sibs know about that in case they want to do that for your parents.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this year and because of everyone's busy schedules and "life" in general, we were not able to celebrate. Now, DH has planned a nice little get-together with our family of 6, and DB's family of 4 and my parents. DH planned the whole thing because he felt it was important to celebrate (mind you, my parents are totally low-key and celebrating their anniversary is just not a priority for them...they usually will do a simple dinner out on anniversaries). Then, our family is going on a three-day cruise and my parents are joining us. DH said they would pay their own way, it wasn't a "gift" from us. Brothers both asked what we were giving as gifts, I said nothing.

Now DH has changed his tune, wants to pay for the cruise (it's Florida resident rates and only a three-day, so not a HUGE amount of money) and wants me to have the brothers chip in (one brother can't come to the party at all). I don't think that's right. I think we should have the party, and since it was all his planning, we have to foot the bill, and pay for their cruise but keep it quiet. I don't want anyone else to feel bad for not getting a gift. He just thinks I should pick up the phone and have them fork over money.

As you can imagine, it's all blown up between me and DH and we are not even speaking. So, am I right???

Just have the parents pay and get them a nice gift.

Better in the long run so while on the cruise he is not grumbling that so & so did not help pay for this.

 

[Nennie]

Your siblings aren't even going on the cruise, am I correct??? The only way I could possibly see even suggesting that everyone chip in to pay would be if it were a big family vacation in which all of your siblings were attending. Even in that case, it would only be a suggestion, and I would only do it if everyone were 100% on board with the idea.

I would feel put out if my sister planned a vacation with my parents, that didn't include myself and my family, and then asked me to chip in. That's just weird.

 

[MSSANDRA]

It sounds like a a recipe for disaster and lots of hurt feelings. Not sure why DH is the planner but lots of mistake already made. How many siblings are they? Are all invited to have dinner with your family and one siblings? An open invite that you guys want to take your parents out of a special dinner to celebrate and everyone one is welcome to come along. Make it clear that you guys intend to pay for mom and dad and everyone else will pay for their own meals. You guys can pick up a cake.

As far as the trip, if your parents already agreed to pay for their part, I would just leave it as that AND I would invite all the siblings to come along at their expense. No way that it is ok to ask for others to pay for a trip you guys get to enjoy with your parents. Yes, the trip if for them, but you guys get to enjoy time with them, not the siblings. If everyone want to go and want to help pay for mom and dad...great. I think you and DH need to hash it out before plans go on.

 

[SLK1]

OP here. Thanks for the input! At least I'm not the only one who feels this is weird. DH for some reason thinks 50 years is a big deal and wasn't happy that no one acknowledged their anniversary (as I said, LIFE got in the way!). I think that it's your own responsibility to acknowledge your own anniversary, right??? I mean, great for those who get some elaborate trip or party, but that's just not us.

The "party" isn't a great big deal - maybe I was misleading - just a gathering with some food and some fun at Disney (we are locals). And we are fine paying it because we planned it. And it's not fair to ask someone else to pay for a party that they had no say in. The cruise wasn't supposed to be a gift but we decided that since my parents had hit a rather large medical bill, we would pay it and IF the brother (there are two, but one lives far away and was never even a chance to come or be involved...but that's a whole other subject). And IF the one brother wanted to pitch in, he could. My frustration lies in how DH kept changing his mind I guess and, as others have said, why is he so overly into this party??? I don't get it. Maybe because his parents are deceased??? No idea. He does like to plan events, which is fine, I just don't want things getting nasty!

All is fine now and we will have the event and be happy for my parents, but I wanted to use the Dis to vent my frustrations!!

 

[SLK1]

Oh, and might add....both brothers are quite self-absorbed, and I had tried to have discussions about doing something for the anniversary several months/year ago. They didn't bite. They just honestly didn't care. And while that might be bad or thoughtless, I think DH found it to be really awful and decided to take action. However, I think he should have just accepted it as it was and left it alone. Does it suck? Yes. But "let it go"!!!

 

[ronandannette]

Why is your husband planning parties and gifts for your parents?

Many PP's have made similar comments, which I think is a little unfair. Nobody would think it was weird if the OP was a guy talking about how his wife planned a party for her IL's.

It is out of line for anybody though to presume to be able to make financial commitments for other people - period. Not only should the OP's husband abandon this terrible plan immediately, he needs to be humble enough to apologize to all the siblings for ever having suggested it. If he doesn't, there's no way this won't end in hard feelings all the way around which may have a far longer reach than simply putting a damper on the nice anniversary party and vacation.

 

[Katy Belle]

I think its pretty customary for the kids to plan something for parents 50th Anniversary, around here anyway. It varies greatly, of course. My parents we had cake and punch on a Sunday afternoon at their church. DHs parents we had a dinner complete with entertainment (a ventriloquist, the Newly Wed Game, and a one man band), because that is what they wanted. Many just have a family dinner.

I think what you have planned is fine, but I agree with you. Asking brothers to pitch in for a trip that they are not going to be on, is out of line. If they come up with the idea on their own, to pay for the trip as a gift, that is fine, but you should not ask.