when someone you know is having an affair

[DisneyBamaFan]

Just out of curiosity, what did you do when you found out your friends were cheating? I'm really struggling with this!

3 stories - different results:

One was a friend of mine who married my wife's best friend. We were the best man and maid of honor at their wedding.

I found out one night - he invited me out to play pool. when we got to the bar with a pool table, I noticed that there was no pool table. Then 2 girls rushed up to us. He was cheating with the one girl and had invited me to "entertain" her friend. I walked out and went home. When I got home I told my wife, but left the decision as to whether or not to tell her friend up to her. she decided not to do so.

I never went out with my friend again. He made up some story as to why we were no longer friends that placed me at fault, and his wife never caught on (as far as I know). They moved to Florida about a year later and we have completely severed our friendship with them.

Another was a friend who was married to a mutual friend. When I found out about his cheating I told him that I would give him one week to tell her or I would. He told her everything, and they are still together. She told me, years later, that I probably saved their marriage.

Another was a friend whose wife I barely knew. My wife told me to stay out of it, and I obeyed. They divorced about 2 years later. I have no idea if she ever discovered his cheating.

My wife has also had almost every one of her friends cheat on their husbands. Thankfully, I let her handle those. I am lucky in that my wife and I agree that this is unacceptable behavior from friends. We usually break off the friendship when that person becomes a "repeat offendor"...

 

[Free4Life11]

MYOB, but since she bragged about it to you, call her out on it! And seriously question this friendship. If someone can cheat on their SPOUSE and be so open about it, how can you ever trust anything they say or do??

 

[Minnie824]

I have two friends -one on either side - of the cheating issue at the moment.
Friend #1 found out a few months ago, her DH was cheating. Complete shock, none of us would have expected. Well, fast forward to now, he's apologizing and wants to work things out. I didn't know about this ahead of time, but had I known he was cheating, I would have told her, being she is a good friend.

Friend #2 is on the other side...she's the one cheating...both her and the other guy are married with kids. I've known her since we were in elementary school and I've known her DH 15 years. I feel so bad for him and this makes me see her in a different light. I have, however, kept it to myself. I told her I would not lie for her though. If her DH asked me, I would tell the truth. Unfortunately we don't live very close, and he still is in the dark...and this has been going on for awhile.

It really is a sad situation....people just don't value marriage anymore. For OP, I think I would stay out of it though....its just best not to get involved.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

A couple of years ago my cousin's wife was accused of having an affair with a public official. The public official's wife did the accusing. My cousin denied it all and claimed they were just friends who knows... Cousin worked it out with her and every thing was fine.

Fast forward to just about 6 months ago. My SIL hear's about this alleged affair through some friends that worked with cousin's wife years ago. She was all hot to call up my cousin and tell him his wife was having an affair. I asked her if she had proof, which she didn't, only 2nd hand stories. I told her to keep out of it as it was not her problem. Cousin knew about it the first time around and it didn't need to be brought up again.

I guess if it were me and I really knew it was happening I'd find a way to tell the person - but only if it were a close friend or relative. I hear stories all the time at work but I'm not going to call up random people I hardly know and tell them.

 

[Darsa]

People who cheat on their SO's disgust me completely; they are the scum of the earth in my book. Honestly I believe that it's not your place to say anything, but I sure as heck wouldn't have ANYTHING to do with the gag-bags who can do such a thing, much less brag about it

 

[Missy1961]

stay out of it, completely. Stop talking to her about it.

I agree.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

MYOB, but since she bragged about it to you, call her out on it! And seriously question this friendship. If someone can cheat on their SPOUSE and be so open about it, how can you ever trust anything they say or do??

Now that is something I do agree with. I would probably not remain friends with someone like that.

If they backstab their own DH, screwing you over will be nothing.

So that is why you MYOB.

 

[Seewhatimesdone]

As much as I might not agree with it it's really not my place to say anything about it. They're adults and responsible for their own actions. If they try to talk to me about it i'd make it very clear that i'm not interested in duscussing their personal life at work.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

NOt family - newish friends - she's having the affair with one of his good friends @ the other guys house - not sure how long its been going on - I've known since April. (she bragged about it & told me the details). the couple is separated right now.

I would cut off the friendship, I just wouldn't be cool with a friend who behaved like that. Especially since I'm so bad at NOT telling people exactly what I think. I would't tell the husband, it looks like it'll all come out anyway in that instance.

My wife has also had almost every one of her friends cheat on their husbands. Thankfully, I let her handle those. I am lucky in that my wife and I agree that this is unacceptable behavior from friends. We usually break off the friendship when that person becomes a "repeat offendor"...

Your wife needs to find some new friends.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Your wife needs to find some new friends.

Maybe you missed the parts of my post that addressed that?

This happens a lot more than people think. One of my friends once told me that he didn't know anyone that cheated on their spouse. Many of his friends were my friends, and some of them were currently cheating or had cheated. He just didn't know because no one confided in him...

 

[ryanshana]

I woulds stay out since they are already separated! Who knows maybe he found out about it that is why they are separating. If they weren't and she's bragging to you about it I would confront her first and then possibly tell him. I would want to know. I was cheated on and one of the big things, wreaked my friendship with this person, was that a friend knew and didn't tell me. Not only was I dealing w/ being cheated on but I felt betrayed by my friend and felt like was I was being talk about behind my back, IMO was worse than the affair. Sex is sex, friendship and feelings is worse.

 

[wdwfan16]

I keep my mouth shut unless the spouse were to ask me directly. Then I would decide if they wanted to know what I know or an "I am not sure" answer.

The important thing is to be there for them to lean on when they finally discover or admit the truth to themselves.

 

[SB1]

My spouse and I both know about an affair in one of our close couples friends relationship since March, but after initially feeling like should say something we figured it really was not our business and have remained silent. Still not sure it was the right decision, but it was the least messy one.

 

[dicar123]

This happens a lot more than people think. One of my friends once told me that he didn't know anyone that cheated on their spouse. Many of his friends were my friends, and some of them were currently cheating or had cheated. He just didn't know because no one confided in him...

This is me. I'm so rabid about affairs that few are stupid enough to confess to me. I prefer it that way.

 

[MushyMushy]

Maybe you missed the parts of my post that addressed that?

This happens a lot more than people think. One of my friends once told me that he didn't know anyone that cheated on their spouse. Many of his friends were my friends, and some of them were currently cheating or had cheated. He just didn't know because no one confided in him...

I wish people would quit confiding in me! It's not even like I hide my disapproval -- I'm not mean about it or anything, but I do make people aware of my thoughts on it.

Two of the friends, I have seriously backed off from. I wasn't that close to them to begin with, but I also don't make friends easily so it hurts to lose them. Especially when they've been good to me and they don't behave like this normally.

Another one is toying with entering an affair and I've really been laying it out there to her. Not sure if anything I'm saying is getting through, but it seems that she's at least listening.

Yet another, we've been close our entire lives and we've been together through thick and thin. I honestly believe that she is suffering some sort of breakdown and can't abandon her, but nor can I condone any of this. It's a sad situation for me. I can only offer advice and try to distance myself from that which I disapprove. It's hard.

One good thing that's coming out of this is my husband and I have really been feeling fortunate to have found each other. We know how tempting it is to buy into the "grass is greener" feeling.

 

[Rora]

In any type of cheating situation, I've found that it's always best to keep your mouth shut.

Nevertheless, it stinks because you want to help the non-cheating person but you don't want to get yourself in trouble or simply interfere with another couple's relationship.

I just pretend I saw nothing, heard nothing, don't know anything, etc.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am a fan of the anonymous letter. Allows the "cheatee" to be in the know while preserv ing the freindship that they are going to need when the poop hits the fan. Takes away the cheatee's ability to "kill the messenger".

I cannot stand cheating. For any reason. There is no excuse to cheat on a spouse that works for me. Spouse not giving "what you need"...then go to counselling and figure it or get a divorce first and then go on with your life. To me, all cheating does is tell me that you cannot be trusted. If you cannot be trusted in that aspect of your life, then you cannot be trusted in any aspect of your life. It speaks to your deep down level of ethics, which crosses all boundaries of your life. I have never agreed with that train of thought that says "Well, who cares if that public official is cheating on his/her spouse. It has nothing to do with the way they run the city/state/country". It has everything to do with that! It speaks to their basic ethics. If I knew someone who was "bragging" about cheating....I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that they were a skank and not to contact me again.

I have (and would again) sent anonymous letters to the spouses of people who I knew were being cheated on. I always think "How would I feel if everyone but me knew and was talking about it and pitying me for being foolish?". I'd hate it.

So far I haven't been wrong. But it is something I do after a lot of very careful thought.

 

[Scurvy]

I cannot stand cheating. For any reason. There is no excuse to cheat on a spouse that works for me. Spouse not giving "what you need"...then go to counselling and figure it or get a divorce first and then go on with your life. To me, all cheating does is tell me that you cannot be trusted. If you cannot be trusted in that aspect of your life, then you cannot be trusted in any aspect of your life. It speaks to your deep down level of ethics, which crosses all boundaries of your life. I have never agreed with that train of thought that says "Well, who cares if that public official is cheating on his/her spouse. It has nothing to do with the way they run the city/state/country". It has everything to do with that! It speaks to their basic ethics. If I knew someone who was "bragging" about cheating....I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that they were a skank and not to contact me again.

I think cheaters are horrible, untrustworthy people. I could not remain friends with a cheater. I agree with every word of this.

And if I knew someone who was cheating, I would absolutely tell their spouse. Although if I had been closer to the cheater than their spouse, I might give them the chance to tell their spouse themselves if I thought they wanted to save their relationship. Maybe the spouse would forgive them - but I wouldn't.

In a case with a separation, though, I wouldn't tell unless the spouse was one of my closest friends and I knew they thought the cheater was trying to repair their relationship and was being faithful. But in most cases I would assume that the spouse knew something like that was going on, or at least knew it was likely. I would stay out of that completely.

 

[Mahorn]

This is the key from my experience. If you're good friends/family with the person being betrayed, that's the only time to get involved. I've had the unfortunate experience of having a cheating spouse, and it would have been a lot easier if even one friend had known about it and told me. You'd tell a friend if someone was stealing from them, wouldn't you?

Sorry if I rant, it's a pet peeve.

I have to agree with you completely, I also had a cheating spouse and wish someone had known to let me know I was completely in the dark and was taking care of our three kids. I would definitely let my friends know if I knew for sure their spouse was cheating.

 

[luvmyfam444]

well I didn't tell - not exactly anyway....I confirmed it. Was chatting(IM) with the husband -seeing how things were going &told him how I hadn't talked to her in a few months - (she was mad @ me for telling her I didn't agree with the affair.) He asked why we weren't talking anymore & I told him she was doing something I didn't agree with & so he asked me if he was having an affair. Then he asked me if it was Jay & I said I couldn't remember his name (honestly couldn't) but told him its was a neighbor. Then he called & we talked for a few more minutes.
She texted me the next day - couldn't believe I betrayed her & then emailed the same thing. I told her not to blame me for her sins & that's all I've heard from her.
Things hit the fan for her when she had to tell her family - it embarrassed them from what I gather.
He plans to try & work it out - though she's not willing.

SO there's the update