When Parents Lie to Children

[salmoneous]

Saw this today, and thought you guys would probably have some interesting thoughts on the subject...

[Social psychologist Bella DePaulo] once conducted a study in which she asked people to recall the worst lie they had ever told and the worst lie ever told to them. In a reflection of how much our perceptions of lying depend on our particular points of view, the psychologist found that many young people reported that the worst lie ever told to them was by a parent who concealed news that someone they loved was sick or dying. By contrast, DePaulo found, parents never thought of such deceptions as particularly serious ethical breaches -- in fact, they saw them as acts of love.

 

[freckles and boo]

As a parent I want to protect my children from both physical and emotional pain. However, sometimes life deals some rough blows. I wouldn't outright lie to my kids about something serious like this, but because they are little I try to find truthful explanations that don't confuse them and don't create more questions than answers. In the last two years my girls have lost a pet and two grandparents. Their grandmother died suddenly but their grandfather and their kitty were sick long enough that we could prepare them. I think it is a disservice to overprotect them - eventually they will have to feel the pain.

 

[Forevryoung]

Saw this today, and thought you guys would probably have some interesting thoughts on the subject...

[Social psychologist Bella DePaulo] once conducted a study in which she asked people to recall the worst lie they had ever told and the worst lie ever told to them. In a reflection of how much our perceptions of lying depend on our particular points of view, the psychologist found that many young people reported that the worst lie ever told to them was by a parent who concealed news that someone they loved was sick or dying. By contrast, DePaulo found, parents never thought of such deceptions as particularly serious ethical breaches -- in fact, they saw them as acts of love.

My mom would certainly agree to that one! She was 20 years old and living AT HOME at the time. She walked in the door after work one day to find her dad standing at the door with a suitcase.
My Mom- "Where are you going?"
HER Dad- "To the hospital for some surgery"
My Mom- "Why?"
HER Dad- "Oh because they found some cancer in my esophagus and it needs to be removed"

Turns out my grandma and grandfather had known for a few weeks at that point and were trying to figure out the best treatment and what not. Esophageal cancer to this day (26 years later) only has about a 5% survival rate so it was pretty much sure he was going to die- He wound up living an additional 20+ years but my mom would have liked to know sooner. Had she not walked in the house at that point, she would have known AFTER he was admitted to the hospital or AFTER the surgery for all she knows. Her parents just wanted to protect her... and she still talks about it to this day.

 

[Daxx]

When I was almost 9 yo, my Mom suddenly got sick and went to the hospital. She was in the hosp. for awhile and would come home for a weekend every once in awhile. Six months later, she died. I had no idea that she had cancer, was going to die, etc. Nobody told me. I didn't find out that she died of cancer until I was well into my teens. As child, I figured that she'd eventually get better and come home for good.

I can honestly tell you that I don't know if my Dad and Grandparents did the right thing or did a disservice by withholding that information. When she died, I was so angry at God (b/c who else do you blame?) for taking her away from me. To this day, I've never been angry at my Dad or Grandparents for withholding the information. I suppose they did it b/c they wanted to "protect" me. Like their not telling me was going to have a different outcome?! Anyway, I think they were hopeful and just maybe didn't want to say anything to me!??!

However, I can say that when I was sick last year and the Drs. didn't know what was wrong w/me, I was totally upfront w/my DS (at the time he was 9 yo). Every Dr. visit, I told him exactly what the Dr. told me. Thankfully, it was appendicitis and everything was ok after surgery. I am sure that DS was very worried at the time, but I felt (maybe b/c of being in the dark about my Mom as a child) that he deserved to know.

 

[meeskamouska]

I think that honesty is the best policy. At certain ages they only need the basics....Joe is sick, Dad is moving, etc. As the get older they can be given enough information to subdue whatever curiousity arises.

 

[smartestnumber5]

Interesting. I know someone for whom that might be true. A friend was studying abroad during college for a semester and a close relative died while she was there. Her family didn't tell her until she came back to the U.S. months later. It hurt her deeply.

 

[Anewman]

Saw this today, and thought you guys would probably have some interesting thoughts on the subject...

[Social psychologist Bella DePaulo] once conducted a study in which she asked people to recall the worst lie they had ever told and the worst lie ever told to them. In a reflection of how much our perceptions of lying depend on our particular points of view, the psychologist found that many young people reported that the worst lie ever told to them was by a parent who concealed news that someone they loved was sick or dying. By contrast, DePaulo found, parents never thought of such deceptions as particularly serious ethical breaches -- in fact, they saw them as acts of love.

But I am sure that part of the pain is associated with the death or illness regardless of the dishonesty part, combine both and you have a winner.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

My mom told me something as a kid, that at the time, I am sure she was making me feel better. Little did I know how it would affect me as an adult.

When I was 5yo, my 9yo cousin was hit by a car and killed. Our Nana had died the year before. I remember talking to my mom A LOT about Michael. I was a kid, and to a kid, only old people died, not other kids. I asked my mom why God took Michael. She didn't know herself, but to a 5yo, she had to say something. So this is what she said:

"God took Michael because when Nana died last year, she went to heaven. Nana loved her grandchildren so much, I bet she was lonely up there, so God brought Michael home so Nana could have a grandchild to love in heaven."

Sounds Ok to a 5 yo. Actually made me happy to think of Nana and Michael togther. Then, I grew up. My mom died. A year and a half later, I give birth to my 1st child. I loved my mom and I miss her dearly, but when I had my baby, I was FREAKING out, that she would be "lonely" and God would take my baby.


Yeah, not a good thing.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I'm not sure if its good to lie or not.

My mom had me when she was 18, still in high school. My grandparents adopted me and raised me as their child, never told me she was my mother. In my eyes , my mom was my sister.

No relative ever said anything but obviously everyone knew. After my grandfather passed away I was 10, my "mom" took me to WDW (no lie) to tell me "the truth".

its been hard to deal with, because my "mom" was never really there for my childhood. When she got married she left the house and me behind. That is the deal she had to make "to keep me", with my grandfather, I've been told.

My grandmother has also since passed but my mom and I still have issues I think because of it.

 

[sha_lyn]

OMG...my mother and her family is a prime example of this study.
I didn't find out until I was 18 that she had been married 5 times, not the 2 times I knew about (my sisters father and my father). The worst thing was I found out just days after having a misscarriage and just days before marrying my Ex. My 12yr cousin was the one who told me.

A few yrs ago my grandmother (mom's mother) had a heart attack and had emergency by-pass surgery. I left the hospital to go spend the night at my grandmother's house (it was only a few min away from the hospital) and mom asked me to call my sister (who lived a few hrs away) to tell her how our grandmother was doing. Turns out mom hadn't even called my sister.
My sister get furious at me and hangs up the phone. I don't remember if I called back or if they did, but I ened up talking to her husband who proceeds to curse me out.

Few yrs later grandmother dies. My coursin is stationed in Germany at the time. I mention putting off the funeral for a couple of days so he can fly in. My Uncle and Aunt weren't planning on telling him until they saw him a few months from then. DH and I convinced them to contact the Red Cross, who would notify his comander so my cousin would be notifed in person. My cousin was able to fly in for the funeral.

 

[Becky2005]

I do know with my DH, they didn't tell him his grandmother died.

He called home from college and they did a "oh by the way, Grandma died" to him. They funeral had already been & everything. He was only 6 hours away too.

I know that bugged him a LOT as he was close to his Grandmother.

Then again, I've sort of "little white lied" to my kids about one of their older relatives that eventually they will probably figure out but I don't have a clue how to tell them, so I don't. The person is still alive but they are in prison for murder that happened before my oldest was even in Kindergarten. When they ask where he is, we have just told them he moved (true, he DID move! We just left out the part of *where* he moved to. ) and leave it at that. They haven't questioned beyond that.

I have never not told them about someone dying though.

My nephew had cancer when he was 2 (he's fine now so far!! ), my kids knew about it at the time. I think only my oldest remembers though since they were also young at the time (my youngest wasn't born yet.)

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

I too lean towards the side of honesty.

 

[blue_river]

My MIL & FIL were keeping a health secret from my 15 year old daughter, who obviously knew something was going on. She questioned me about it and I told her the truth. DD was very upset that they didn't tell her and tried to keep it a secret.