when parents die, do siblings fight over "stuff"

[TEENEE]

To try to avoid the battle everything should be put in a will or given away while the person is still here. My mil has been giving things to her boys and grandkids for about a year now. She has a few things specified in her will the rest she has been giving away whenever she gets the urge.

My mom & step dad are leaving it up to me because they feel like I will be fair.

 

[WDWMom]

Not sure what my family will do - hers/his/theirs. Stepfather's adult kids live across the country so them coming to the house is really not possible. No key, no access. I am executor and have a key, not sure about the other two. My mom and SD have wills and I know where to find them. Never seen them and don't want to. I was told everything was to be split 5 ways. No problem.

Now DH's family could be another story. Dh is executor and I believe they have everything specified in the will. But they have some stipulations. One DIL doesn't inherit anything if her DH dies before her but the rest of the DIL's do. They also play favorites to the grandkids. Not sure what is going to happen there. I know there is plenty of money but not a lot of possessions (hense the money). Some of DH's brothers will be hounding him daily for their money. They have no understanding that things take time.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I have tried to warn my parents that there will be a fight when they go because of the way their will is written - they leave everything to be equally divided between their children. They are asking for trouble by not spelling out the division of property and assets.

I told my Mom all I want are a few sentimental things like her handmade quilts and the biscuit cutter (my job as a small child was to cut the biscuits once Mom rolled out the dough). I know my siblings and don't look forward to the drama and fight they will put up. I would rather walk away from it and not let my kids see their Aunts act that way about material things.

 

[motherhen17404]

My grandmother ran a small motel and her youngest son and his kids worked for her. One day she was taken out of the motel office on a strecher to the hospital. She passed away about an hour later. As soon as my uncle called and told his wife that grandmom had passed, his wife and daughters started taking everything out of my grandmothers rooms. They took everything of value. By the time we got there (we live out of state) the only thing left were my grandmother and long passed grandfathers clothes. Guess they did not want them. My father very calmly went to the closet and said there were some jackets that my grandfather owned that he wanted. The joke was on them. My gready relations did not know that grandmom would stash hugh amounts of cash in the pockets of jackets to hid it. She never believed in safes, thought that was a red flag for robbers. I think my father walked out of there with several thousand of dollars, and I think my gready relations got maybe a few hundred.

I have already told my brothers that I do not want anything when my father passes. I got most of my moms stuff when she died, so I feel that I have gotten my "share". If they want to fight over stuff, and it will not be them, but their wives, they can go to it and fight it out without me.

 

[ZachnElli]

There will be a knock down drag out when my in-laws pass. I don't know if my dh will give a hoot what he gets (it's all stuff, no money or house or anything like that). But he is executor and will try to mediate between his sisters, but that won't go over well with them I'm sure. Sad thing is, the sister that will be over there first to claim everything will just sell it for money.

I don't think I'll fight my brother for anything. I already know he's getting the house. He loves that house wants to live there and that's fine with me.

 

[Disney Ella]

My grandmother used to talk about attending my grandfather's grandmother's funeral and the way two of the grandmother's daughters behaved. This was in the 1930's sometime so the funeral was held at the grandmother's home. While the minister was delivering the eulogy, the mourners could hear "That's my lamp!" No, it's mine." "It's mine! Give it back."

My parents don't have anything worth fighting over, so it won't be a problem.

 

[DVCLiz]

Boy, did I learn a lot of lessons when my brother and I had to "divide all assets equally" after my mother's death. Although we are very close now (in fact, closer than we ever were when my mother was alive), it took a tremendous amount of effort on my part, and I often had to say, "Is it better to be right about this issue, or to maintain a relationship with my only surviving relative?"

One thing that helped tremendously was that, when my mom knew she was very sick and would not be getting better, she asked us to go through the house and choose furniture we would each want. And although I anticipated a big fight, we did it calmly and easily. It helped that the things my brother felt strongly about were from a time when we lived in one house, and ther things I felt strongly about were mostly newer acquisitions from my mom's last house. So he took most of her early furnishings because they had a sentimental attachment as the things he grew up with, and I took things from the house she lived in after we left home.

But there was plenty of drama, nonetheless. The kindest thing older parents can do for their children is to CLEAN OUT THE CLUTTER from their homes, and divide the remaining possessions based on what the children would like, fairly and equally.

 

[goofy4tink]

I could tell you stories that would curl your hair!!! My mom was preparing to move into senior housing and was packing up stuff. For years we used to kid about who gets what when she dies. Two of my three brothers still can't believe that my mom and I did that type of kidding around but the third brother vouched for me, saying he had heard us many times talking about who gets what and how mom felt about dying. So.....there she was, packing her stuff up, getting ready to move in a month or so. But, then she sat down, dosed off and never woke up...she had just turned 73, so not overly old. My oldest brother had had a strained relationship with Mom due to his wife's feelings. And he just didn't talk to me...I was outside his limited family circle. So, there we sat, the day of her funeral....discussing the disposition of her 'things'. Now, my mom had a great collection of Hummels, a lot of which my brother (the bad one) had given her over the years. When I would kid her about wanting the Hummels she would say..."Now Diane, you know your brother gave most of those to me...I'm sure he will want them when I'm gone. Please see to it that he gets them." As we sat there, I mentioned the Hummels to him and told him they were pretty much all boxed up already, so he could just take them with him. His response?? Naw, I don't need any little figurines. But I would like her vac and her cell phone. OMG.
And it got worse......I'm sure my mom is/was spinning. So, my best piece of advice would be to have your relative make a list of who they want to have what from their home. It will solve a lot of issues later on. I promised my brothers that nothing would get thrown away, that I would store anything that wasn't taken (that amounted to about 85% of her stuff) so if they changed their minds it would still be here. That was over two years ago...no one has asked for anything. Poor Mom...she thought they would want those personnal little things...nope, vacuum cleaners and cell phones.

 

[Kermit]

We're doing this now in my family, and it's going very well. My grandfather died several years ago, and my grandmother has recently had to move into a nursing home, so we have to get rid of everything to sell the house. There's really nothing of value, but my grandmother had a lot of knick-knacks, linens, and things like that, so there are a lot of things with sentimental value. My grandmother had 5 children, then there are 9 grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren. We've all been emailing everybody saying what we want. It's neat to see what is important to everybody. Nobody has fought. In fact, we all have long lists of things that we want to see go to family members rather than being thrown out, but they're things that we don't want in our houses.

 

[minkydog]

My grandma asked my mom, aunt, and uncle about 10 years ago to start to pick out stuff they'd want when she passes on. While they'd never actually fight over anything, this will (when the time comes) help eliminate any hard feelings over who gets her china (my aunt) and who gets her nifty dinning room table that folds down to the size of a lamp table when the leaves are taken out (my uncle) and stuff like that.

I told my mom I want her Hummel figurines!

Anyway, this is all verbal so I guess they COULD all start to fight over it, but knowing the three of them they never would. But I can see how in other families this would be a problem! If you think it's going to be bad, I'd ask the parents to set something in writing, especially if they want certain things left to certain people.

My mother has started doing that too. I have one sister who is a dear, but she will swoop in and take everything she thinks she might want without regard to anyone else. And mother knows it. So she has been asking what we want and putting our names on things with a piece of adhesive tape. Personally, I don't want much--I'm not a collector of "things". I'd be happy to have the vinegar cruets that I remember seeing on her mother's table every Sunday dinner.

My dad died last year. My sister & I went to his house during the summer to clean things out. She "salvaged" a number of things(Chinese dolls, furniture, clothing) and "gave" me the pictures,some old quilts, and the family Bibles (which go back to the early 1800's). I think I got the better end of that deal

 

[momof2inPA]

When my dad's mom died, he brought home her nicer silverware, but we would never eat off of them. They were the "dead spoons." We were just little kids, and that grandma was always mean and scary, anyway.

The only other thing my dad had inherited was one of those old crank phones, because we liked to play with it at grandma's house, but my aunt took it to re-finish and never gave it back.

It's crazy what people are willing to sacrifice for a few things.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Oh, I've seen the mad rush to the house to get first pick, I've seen a certain cousin of mine steal a checkbook out of a desk drawer and go on a shopping spree the SAME DAY AS THE DEATH.

At my Grandfather's funeral, my husband's work sent a wreath of flowers. After the services, I wanted to take it home. I picked it up (out of mounds and mounds of plants and flowers) and started walking out to the car. My Aunt came over and starting screaming at me that the flowers were part of the estate and she as his daughter got first dibs.

 

[goofy4tink]

And then there are my cousins. When my dad's mom moved many to a nursing facility many years ago, my aunt (his sister) and her two girls got to my grandmother's apt before anyone else did. They took....an antique mahongany dining room set, monogramed silverware, bone china cup collection, bedroom set, dishes(everyday and good china). By the time my dad and I got there, well....I have a nice little CorningWare teapot and a Revereware pot!!! My grandmother gave me a beautiful cranberry and gold china teacup when I was about 18. When she was in her 80's she had mentioned how she loved that cup. So, for her 90th birthday, I gave her the cup and saucer. However, by the time I got to her apt it was gone. My aunt had given it to a close friend.
Now, the truly sad thing about all this? My cousins had a yard sale about 2 years after this...sold all the furniture and silverware and china!!! I almost died!! I never knew until several months later. Ah well...it was just 'stuff'...I have my memories.

 

[Regina]

I just have one sister. Our Dad passed away 10 years ago this month, and our Mom passed away last year.

We had zero problems with this. The running joke was that my sister was to get the folding clothes dryer rack that my Mom had. My Mom even "tagged" it years earlier, LOL. There were a few pieces of jewelry that she wanted the grandchildren to have. Other than that, it was very amicable when my sister and I split up the belongings.

As far as DH, there's no love lost there between siblings and his Dad remarried after his Mom died. We got the most important items anyway, the family pictures. When FIL dies, DH isn't expecting anything.

 

[liamsaunt]

Sometimes circumstances bring out the worst in people.

When my grandmother died in 1986, one of my aunts threw a conniption fit because my mom was listed as her executor instead of her. It caused a rift that lasted until about five years ago, and they still are not close like they used to be. And it's not like there was really anything worth fighting for!

In college, when my best friend's grandmother died, one of her aunts went to the house with a u-haul and cleaned it out while everyone else was at the funeral. That's right, she skipped her own mother's funeral to loot the house!

 

[twojo21]

when my dads parents/my grandparents died, the whole family was in an uproar & fight. it was horrible to see my dads side act like this. there was just a will, so everything went into probate, etc. it was a mess. in the end we got the best of them though their photos & some personal keepsakes like my grandmas pins, my grandparents favorite sweater, etc. needless to say our & my parents estates, etc are in trust so our wishes will be carried out without family interruption.

 

[Sleepy]

Yes, siblings do fight over stuff and it can tear a family apart forever. It's a day I never want to remember. I had never seen greed over NOTHING like I saw that day.

Without going into the horrible details of what happened during those 3 hours, the end result was nobody sitting next to each other at the funeral and nobody speaking to each other for the last 9 years. Well, my brother and one cousin is excluded from this squabble.

What I will add is how amazing it is that one picture can be the center of "wants". It's location is still being asked to this very day. I know where it is Greed makes people overlook the smallest of details.

I highly recommend a will.

 

[DVC Jen]

My mother died of cancer when I was 13 years old. My father died of cancer two and a half years later. I am the youngest of 6.. with there being anywhere for 22 to 10 years difference between me and my older siblings. I have seen the worst of pettiness thanks to them and their selfish greed. They singlehandedly taught me the type of person I never ever want to be.

I love my family with all my heart. I do not like most of them however and I have one brother I will never ever trust again nor will I let him alone with my children.

So.. the answer to your question.... in my experience.. yes and it does nothing but rip the family apart.

 

[Puffy2]

The way to avoid it is to not want anything.

 

[binny]

When my dad died my 3 brothers and I went to sort out hisstuff, my mom wasnt up to it.

It was actually a huge bonding experience for us with as sad as we were we would find something in a box and someone would say " Oh man, remember when?..." and then we would all start cracking up! We spend hours in that basement going through dads stuff. There were tears, yes, but there was so many memories shared and so much love that day. I will never forget it. I think dad was smiling on us that day. Its exactly as he would have wanted.
Non eof us fought over anything. Of course there wasnt a lot to fight over but we each took osmething of dads that meant something to us. I took his camera, the boys took his guns and fishing stuff. We all talked about it and no one had any hard feelings.