When is it time to stop giving gifts?

[mrsstats79]

We are retired. No children. We have nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews. We stopped giving to the married ones years ago but gave to their children. One of greats is now in college. The others we don't see since we had a falling out with their grandparents (my brother). So we no longer get together for holidays, birthdays etc. We did give them birthday presents this year which we just dropped off at their house since we could not come up with a time to get together (they are very busy).

On my sisters side, her son just got married and left the state. Her daughter (26) still lives at home, and we do see her occasionally. (we run in the same circle of friends) .

Just not feeling the holiday giving spirit.

It is time to stop??

 

[Disneylover99]

It sounds like you’re done, so yes definitely stop.
And don’t feel guilty.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

You aren't feeling it so stop.

We have no children. My brother and his wife have a 3 year old. My husband's sister has a 4 year old. We finally told the siblings last year that we aren't buying for them anymore since we buy for their kids. We also asked for either a photo ornament or an updated picture of the kids and that's it. We still buy for both sets of our parents. Everyone was very fine with it.

ETA: We obviously told them to stop buying for us as well. I realized I didn't make that clear.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

We are retired. No children. We have nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews. We stopped giving to the married ones years ago but gave to their children. One of greats is now in college. The others we don't see since we had a falling out with their grandparents (my brother). So we no longer get together for holidays, birthdays etc. We did give them birthday presents this year which we just dropped off at their house since we could not come up with a time to get together (they are very busy).

On my sisters side, her son just got married and left the state. Her daughter (26) still lives at home, and we do see her occasionally. (we run in the same circle of friends) .

Just not feeling the holiday giving spirit

18 and out of HS, the gifts usually stopped for extended family members in my family. Around 15 years ago, I SUGGESTED we end the Xmas gift exchange too. ( not so much because I didn't like it, but my one uncle had 6 kids and if any of them got each other or my uncle got one of his own kids then we had to rearrange. PAIN IN THE you know what. PLUS, did us adults need "a gift" ?, NO and then it became Gift Cards almost exclusively so it just seemed incredibly needless!!

OP, I would buy for those you have in the past, if you will see them. Attach a nice card with a note of explanation that going forward they will receive Blessings only from you!!

 

[ronandannette]

OP - are you concerned about somebody expecting a gift and feeling hurt or confused if you just don't give them one this year? How I'd handle that is to make a donation to a charity of your choice and send cards letting everyone know you'd done that on behalf of "the family" this year.

We're all in agreement here that you don't owe anyone anything; gifts are just that and I do hope you've received your share back from them over the years, as well as many thanks for your generosity. Merry Christmas to you.

 

[starlite_]

Gifts are not supposed to be an obligation. It's to show ppl you care about them.

At the same time they aren't a requirement if you do care about someone.

It's honestly not that big a deal to angst about it.

This year I'm giving gifts to my friends because I wanted to. Last few years I didn't for various reasons. It's up to you how you show love.

 

[Cynt]

Just stop purchasing gifts.

We're DINKS too. Every other year we host Christmas dinner. We only purchase for nieces and nephews babies thru 18, who attend Christmas dinner at our house. We have 3 left out of the 18 total nieces and nephews. We usually don't purchase for the great nieces and nephews unless they come to dinner.

We play white elephant with everyone over 18. WE IT!

I'm always tickering with DIY oils and scrubs. I usually put something together for everyone to take home. Last year it was Lavender salt scrubs.

The years we don't host we go on vacation. We don't purchase any gifts for anyone. Well, maybe our Moms.

 

[Genie+]

I agree with if you’re feeling done with it, that is fine. You’ve been there for the next generation, and even the next.

It may sound crass for me to say ‘you paid your dues’ but really you have. This is similar to people throwing family holiday shindigs for years then feeling uneasy about stopping.

It’s similar for us. The nieces and nephews have grown. There’s just a few kids in the next generation. I don’t feel any of them expect us to give presents. Nowadays I‘m paying more attention to who may need a little more reassurance that they are loved, like my one niece and her daughter who have both had family issues.

 

[Dznypal]

This is interesting as I’ve been thinking of what do to about our DD DMIL and DFIL the first few years the kids were married they’d get us something usually a candle and we’d have the same for them. We didn’t get together with them over the holidays but gave it to our DD to give to them. The last few years I’d have the usual gift ready but nothing from them. No one made a deal of it and just went on the our holiday.

But I’ve been wondering if this was their way of nicely putting an end to it.

Honestly I’d feel funny asking DD.

As others have said gifts aren’t obligated but I feel funny
Any thoughts

 

[mousefan73]

by us kids who are in toy ages get toys and then as teens and college kids they get cash.. once you are out of the house making money no more gifts... some years I might give adults a small thing box of chocolates etc.. but we are in germany where as tradition adult exchanging is a rare thing unless to adult kids, parents or spouses. but non of have to get my great aunts cousing a gift as they are at the dinner thing.

my one friend has 4 siblings and every year it's a a stress. I wouldnt call it gift giving, it's more I buy what you want/need ( a blender) and you get me what I want/need ( a new vaccum) and if we dont know we all excfhange Cosco cards.. To each their own but I would rather get some christmas fair craft thing somebody bought because if was cute for 10 bucks vs a 99 dollar blender from cosco.

 

[_19disnA]

No one is 'that busy' so your only option is to drop off a birthday gift at their house. For sure I wouldn't continue giving them birthday gifts. That really sounds more like they don't WANT to make the time for you to visit.

I think it depends on your financial situation and how close you are to these other relatives. If you never see each other/rarely talk during the year, then I wouldn't think Christmas gifts are necessary. Some families/relatives tend to drift apart over the years, someone moves to another state, gets married or celebrates the holidays with relatives of their spouse, etc.

You also didn't mention if any of these people give you gifts as well. Certainly if they have stopped, there would be no problem if you do the same.

 

[DeeBee3]

I'd love for only kids to get gifts. To me, that's the magic of Christmas - making kids happy and excited for the season. We still give gifts to siblings and parents, but they are usually small. It's hard to buy for someone when they already buy things they want or need. That's what adulting is for!

However, until everyone in my family is on the same page, we still exchange gifts.

 

[indimom]

DH & I decided very early on to stop birthday gifts at 18/high school graduation.

As for Christmas, we never bought for everyone on both sides. Thank goodness. Our families are not small, well over 60 people. It would be a LOT. We buy for our parents. His family stopped having Christmas parties years ago, so no gifts with his siblings or their families. My family do a name exchange for the Christmas party, so each person gets one gift. If we find out a girlfriend/boyfriend will be attending, we will make sure they have a gift as well, so that no one is left out.

Some of my sisters really enjoyed buying for the "children." So, about 15 years ago - we started stuffing stockings for them. All kids under 18 have a stocking, and anyone who wants to add a small item (like $5) to the stocking, can bring something for that. It's actually pretty fun seeing all the creative goodies they get from the various families. So, the under-18 crowd get one gift plus their stocking.

I also buy for my best friend. We've just never stopped. lol.

 

[china mom]

I am right there with you. The big family Christmas started out with everyone buying for everyone, including adults - but hardly anyone had kids yet. Then, it evolved to buying for my MIL and FIL and only nieces and nephews. DH and I decided that we would stop buying once the child reached 18. That took a lot of stress out of Christmas. We only have two nieces left (yaay). I refuse to buy for my adult niece and nephew's children.

I hate to be a gift counter and I feel really petty saying this out loud, but I do not think that our gift giving was every fairly reciprocated for our children. When we were DINKS, we were very generous to nieces and nephews and it seemed to be expected by everybody. When our kids came along, my siblings in law were not as generous - which is fine, my children wanted for nothing. But, this removed my obligation to buy gifts for great nieces and nephews who I don't see more than once a year.

 

[easyas123]

It is time to stop??

18 and out of HS

We gave to our nieces & nephews until they were 18. Stopped - by equal agreement - exchanging with my siblings & parents as well as my BIL & SIL a long time ago. Can't get my husbands parents to agree to it though. Every year they send us a check which we don't need and they can't really afford. And in return we send them the equivalent in gift cards/gifts. We've tried to broach it with them but they seem to take offense at the suggestion we cease exchanging gifts, so because they enjoy the tradition we continue it with them.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

I’d say once they graduate high school they’re done. If you’re not close to them anyway I wouldn’t be buying them gifts either.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Good question. My sister-in-law (no kids) loves Christmas and buys gifts for EVERYONE. We can't even broach the subject with her.

I did realize that my BIL and his wife, and DH and I, just seem to exchange gift baskets annually. I had DH call him and suggest we just stop -- they're having some financial concerns, so it was well received. I also just seem to exchange gift baskets with my brother and his wife, but not quite ready to stop, yet.

My mother still buys gifts for her nephews -- mostly basket-y type things.

Our nieces and nephews on my inlaws' side -- I usually just buy an Amazon gift card for them, but they've stopped acknowledging. This year I bought stuffed pretzels from Landies for them -- PITA to wrap and ship, but we'll see if they acknowledge it. If not, we're just going to stop next year.

OP, I'm not feeling it this year, either. My own kids are getting checks. I don't know what they need, and I'm tired of it just being a gift grab.

 

[disneychrista]

If you are questioning its time to stop

 

[NYCgrrl]

Somewhere between their late teens and early twenties I stopped feeling “obligated“ to buy gifts. Sort of like when you have to buy gift cards cause you’re clueless as to what they want.

For many years the only people on my shopping list were the elder and youngest family members. Everyone else got a homemade meal with no need to clean up for the holidays. Occasionally I’d be inspired by something I saw and buy it for someone close. The man and I stopped regularly exchanging gifts years ago.

The man continued giving gifts to his nephews until he got peeved at lack of acknowledgment when they were in their late twenties, early thirties.

Every family is different, I suppose.

 

[kdonnel]

We have had peace treaties in place for decades now that decree no gifts.

At first some family thought it was my wife and I just being cheap but quickly everyone came on board.

We get together in person and that is worth more than any gift. Gift giving causes so much stress in the giver that tries to really find a meaningful gift year after year.