When is it time to ask your children to pay

[Coach Rick]

I have a 21 yo, who is still in school, still lives home, pays no room and board, we still provide her with transportation at no charge. She does work, although only 10 or so hours a week. She is paying for her own schooling, although we have put some money into that also.

So, we are going to WDW for 10 days in August, and have asked that she pay her own airfare. My mom can't believe I expect her to pay anything for a family vacation. I feel she needs to be somewhat vested in these trips. Now that we own DVC they are more frequent, and I am trying to hold expenses down to make sure we can continue making them more frequent. So am I wrong for wanting her to pay for just her airfare. I think she has gotten wind of my moms aprehension of me asking for money from her for this trip, and is now saying she don't know if she can afford it, but I think she is playing on my heart strings.

I would also like to point out that we have purchased more DVC points to award to each of our three children upon graduation from college, so I am not heartless as my mom seems to think. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[christinadei]

I honestly don't think you should make her pay for her trip other than souvineers and extras like that. I know 21 yo's should have responsibility, but that would be being responsible for her car payments, insurance, etc. She's already paying for her own school, that's pretty responsible to me, especially when she only works 10 hours a week. Let her continue to concentrate on school and let her enjoy her family vacation.

 

[THESCHULTZFIVE]

Well, my girls are still very little so I'll be speaking as a daughter, not as a parent. I agree with your mom (you knew I was going to say that). If she's paying for some of her schooling thats awesome. Only working 10 hrs a week, I'm sure she has other things to do with that money( like shop). Maybe you could go over the trip expenses with her and ask her to contribute SOMETHING, but airfare can be expensive. I think it might just set a bad tone for the trip if she's trying to really work extra hard to get money to buy her ticket. Maybe she can think of some way to help save money for the trip instead. Just my opinion, I'm sure you'll get others. Have fun whatever happens. Looks from your ticker that you'll be there shortly before we will.

 

[thumpery]

My parents did that to me when we went to Hawaii. They said if I could come up with the airfare, they would cover the rest. Not too bad of a deal for a 2 week vacation. Taught me responsibility and respect.

 

[justhat]

I don't think you should expect her to pay anything other than what christinadei mentioned. Even if she's 21 and you consider it 'adult', she's still in school, which she's paying for, and she only has a part time job. I think it's great to teach responsibility, but I don't think that a family vacation is the place for that, monetary-wise that is.

Why do you feel she needs to be 'vested' in the trips? Has she bailed out at the last minute before? If you've paid for everything before and she's always come along like planned, then I don't get it-if she's bailed at the last minute and you got stuck with airfare, park tickets, etc. then I can understand it. To me it's a vacation, so I don't see the need to be vested in something. That seems more like what you'd say if she wanted to join the family business or something, like you'd like her to make a capital contribution so that she's vested in the welfare of the company.

Maybe I'm just biased, though. I'm 24, married, with a child, and my mom still pays for me on family vacations. If I go away with my husband and daughter, that's our deal, but if she invites us to go away with her, she pays for all 3 of us (we obviously pay for our own souvenirs and often food too). In fact, she's taking us to Hawaii in November and just bought us all 1st class tickets! Now, granted, my husband and I are both in graduate school, and once we have jobs things will be different, but since she knows we don't really have incomes yet and live on school loans she helps us out. We'll both be physicians so I'm sure we'll be paying for her to come on our vacations in the near future.

If/when my daughter is in a similar situation when she's older I fully intend to treat her in the same way. As long as it's a family trip, she'll be included like every other member of the family and in the same ways.

 

[Colinsmom]

My parents paid for our vacations until we were out of college (full-time students, paying most of our education expenses, working a minimal number of hours per week) and then we were on our own.

In your daughter's case, if she's already paying for her school and only works 10 hours per week, how is she supposed to earn enough money for airfare too??

 

[Yardbird]

I say pay her airfare, if only this one last time. If she is paying most of her college tuition I give her a lot of credit, and ten hours a week doesn't bring in much income. She will be paying her way soon enough. Have a great trip!

PS DVC points is an awesome graduation gift!

 

[pamlet]

I suppose everyone has their own way of doing things...

We have a 21 year old son - he's going to school and working a full time job - however the only thing we require him to pay is his truck payment. Though he also buys his own clothes, etc. (Though I do that sometimes too) The folks he works for pays his school tuition, he pays for books.

As long as he's in school and living at home I'd never expect him to pay for a family vacation. But I wouldn't expect him not to go either - he participates in the planning of the vacation, and he's still very much one of "our kids". Since he works full time - we've taken other vacations, long weekends without him.

We feel it's important for him to save his money, and plan for when the time comes for him to "move out".

As an aside - I'm 47 and over my adult married life my parents have done a few vacations with my sister's family and my family. My parents paid the entire way. These were just a few, and were our "christmas presents" - and they were very appreciated. I imagine if I can afford it we'll do the same with our son's and their eventual families.

I can understand that you're going to be going to Disney more now that you own DVC - but geez at 21, if she's in school fulltime and only working 10 hours a week... she can't be making that much money? Is she responsible for her own clothes, etc?

 

[disneyjunkie]

I think asking her to pay for airfare is fine.

She's getting to stay onsite (DVC no less) for free, she's getting free park passes, and I assume the OP will take care of her meals as well. If someone one had offered me a deal like that when I was 21, I would have been tickled pink.

 

[Coach Rick]

I guess I should clarify a couple of things. What I meant by paying for her own schooling is, she has taken some student loans, one of which has to be paid back while she is there. While she is in school I make those payments. Only time she takes them over is June to August. The airfare from Providence is just under $200 round trip. Actually I had thoughts of letting her pay the airfare, and then giving it to her while at WDW for fun stuff. She would never know that was where it came from because I usually just hand over money for her to have fun with anyway. She has never bailed on us prior to leaving. I also pay for her Premium Annual Pass, and all her food. I just see the small amount of airfare as being a token of ownership, and a lesson that fun things do cost money. I won't be going without her, believe me. I don't think I could enjoy it without any of my kids. Although the recent March trip with my wife and the schools softball team was fun.

 

[crisi]

My opinion, and opinion only:

Do you NEED her to come for family harmony or really want her to come? Then its your treat - if you make her pay for any part of the trip, she has the right to say "sorry Dad, I'm going to save for Cancun with my friends instead."

However, if you are willing to let her stay home, I think making her make some contribution to the trip (airfare is probably the cheapest expense, after buying her own t-shirt, which I'll expect my seven year old to do this trip) teaches her some responsibility and starts the process of "Mom and Dad stop paying for everything." But make it reasonable and doable - 10 hours a week probably doesn't bring in a lot of money, and if she's already paying for school she doesn't have a lot of disposible income. If she spends $100 a month at the mall and another $100 on beer, its reasonable to expect she can scronge airfare. If she spends every penny on tuition and books, let her know she should cover airfare, but you'll help by subsidizing books next term, or give her odd jobs around the house to pay for airfare.

Its also attitude. If she takes these vacations for granted - an entitlement she doesn't see as ending, it might be time to pull the plug on the freebies. If she realizes the gift you are giving her, I'd be more willing to pay the whole thing.

 

[lemondog]

If she is part of the family, and you want her on the vacation, and she is a college student, then no, I think it's inappropriate to ask her to pay for her airfare. I grew up in a family where as long as we stayed in college, my father would continue to support us in every way, vacations included. Once we graduated, or if we dropped out, then we were on our own.

If you want her to learn the value of a dime, then tell her she has to pay for all souvenirs and "extras" (like Disney Quest tix, etc.) that she wants herself. But don't make her pay her own way to get there, especially if you wouldn't consider going without her. This is JMHO.

 

[DAWGPOUNDAJ]

Please do not take this as a criticism because it is not meant to be one. Every family works differently and I was just throwing in our viewpoint. But honestly I've always been of the mind that if someone, including your child, is invited on vacation by you than you are automatically assuming full responsibility to pay for them. Even if they are in graduate school and 26 years old, or 45 and married with kids. I can see having your 21 year old pay for her own fun things and souvenirs, but somehow the idea of having her pay for her own transportation, even if it is just $200, sounds a bit off.

Now again please don't take that as a criticism because it is just an opinion and every family works differently. Now, if she volunteered to pay for it on her own that would be great and a different story. For older children that is often what is done, they simply volunteer to pay their own way at a certain point and the parent gets that gleam of pride that their child has achieved enough financial stability to pay their own way on vacation. But for me, I would rather not have my college aged child worry about not having "fun" money while down there because she had to pay for her airfare on her 10 hours a week wages. Since this is only $200 the argument sounds a bit silly but what does she do with her money? Is she putting it away in a savings account to help pay off her student loans at a later date? If thats the case I would definitely steer away from making her pay for that. However, if her work money is souly "partying" money and if she is completely wasteful with it, then having her pay might teach her a bit more of financial responsibility.

I suppose the logic just sounds off to me. Why have her pay for her airfare if you are just going to give it back to her when she gets down there? I suppose its just different parenting techniques. I'm not a parent so honestly have never made these decisions yet, so take my opinion with a grain of salt there. I'm basing mine off of the decisions my parents have made for my sister and I over the years. To them it was never a question of asking us to pay for anything. At 18 I already wanted to prove to them that I was an adult and was trying to pay for part of my trips. Not that they allowed it but I tried anyways. To us it was simply logic that I was family and they let me know that they would be insulted if I tried to pay for something that I was a guest on. Again that is souly their way of doing things, but it is one I greatly appreciate and plan on emulating as a parent.

 

[nowellsl]

I don't think I would make my daughter pay for her ticket. I have a 20 year old DD who lives at home and goes to college. She works about 15-17 hours per week. She pays for her cell phone, car payment and insurance. She rarely has much left over. She goes to school full-time, which is paid for by pre-paid tuition plan and scholarships. She also buys most of her cloths. She could probably save up enough to buy it, but It would be a hardship. Thank goodness she hasn't had to take out loans for school, but if she did, she would have to work more hours and her grades would probably suffer! Unless she showed a complete disregard for her finances I would definately treat her to a family vacation.

 

[rt2dz]

Everyone's family is different and does things differently. I don't see either way as a right or wrong. Having said that...

As long as my children are in school, we will cover their major (car, insurance, housing, tution, books, hotel & airfair for vacation) costs period. Especially if it is a FAMILY vacation. I want my children to concentrate on school and do their best their. College is hard work, effects the rest of their lives, and student loans can be a burden for several years to come (I'm saddled with my husband's loans [once married it's a tema effort] and I didn't even know him when he was in college!). Nor do I want my children to feel as though they are second class citizens to the family. If not in school (finished or otherwise) or have families of their own, that's a different story.

Souveniers, clothes, meals without the family should be her own costs, in my opinion. It just sounds as though you are reversing it, which is up to you.

And don't forget, this vacation is your idea, not hers. And what do you expect from your other children? Everything you do now sets the stage for everything in the future.

She's paying for most her own school, even if by loans. She does work. I think that's responsible, especially for a 21 year old. If her grades are good and she helps around the house, I don't think "ownership" (especially in a vacation) is necessarily all that important.

But again, this is all just my opinion and is worth less than the $.02 I put in.

 

[my3kids]

If it is a family vacation, I think the parent's pay. If the mom and dad are going on a trip alone and the adult child asks to tag along, then that might b different. But in my book if you plan a family trip, Mom and Dad foot the bill.

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with other posters. I would pay for tickets, meals, and airfare. But let your daughter know that she will have to pay for her own snacks and souvenirs. If she really doesn't have the money, then she won't get any snacks or souvenirs. It may be a better way to teach her something about personal finance -- give her responsibility over an expense that she can control (personal spending) rather than one she can't (airfare).

 

[TeresaMc]

Wow....I guess I am a big meany!!!! My son (actually step-son) is paying $500 towards our trip (it was all his idea to go anyways). He is fine with it but he does have a pretty big cash flow for a 14 year old. He gets $60 per week that his mom pays in child support plus he works in my business about 10-12 hours a week for a take home of another $50-60 per week. He pays his own cell phone bill but that is about it.

 

[Becky2005]

I suppose the logic just sounds off to me. Why have her pay for her airfare if you are just going to give it back to her when she gets down there?

I will honestly say, I completely understand that logic as my parents did it to me! We had to pay rent when we lived at home. The deal was, if we were going to school we got to live rent-free (and we had to pay for our schooling too) OR if we didn't go to school we had to pay them rent.

Unbeknowst to US...my parents saved our rent money and when we moved out on our own, they gave it to us! So, I see the pay for the airfare and then surprise her with it once there in the same light.

I don't see it being a problem asking her to pay for airfare at age 21, even being in school, etc... Especially with everything else paid for.

 

[4greatboys]

I would pay for her trip. Its a family vacation and she is family. I honestly cant see ma making my oldest kids pay for any family vacations until they are out of college and have a job. Evan then if I could afford the room and airfare I would probably still pay that and let them take care of their spending money.
And if she is only working 10 hours a week and paying for her school I just dont see how she would have any extra money.