When is enough enough?

[golfgal]

There is a family in our church, she is currently pregnant with their 7th child. Her first pregnancy went fine but the subsequent 6 have been high risk meaning she is on complete bedrest, in a hospital 1 1/2 hours away, from about 20 weeks on. With each pregnancy there have been requests for help with childcare, meals brought in, etc. She homeschools her kids so there are requests for other homeschool families to help with that as well. I can understand one, maybe two pregnancies, but 6? Maybe it is just me but I couldn't ask for that much charity from people and feel comfortable. I got another email from a retreat group I am in asking when I could help. I said I couldn't. I think that if you KNOW you are going to end up in the hospital like this, maybe you should consider NOT having more children. So, am I an awful person for feeling like this?

 

[mickeyboat]

I tend to agree with you, so I guess that makes us both bad people. Even more than asking the community for charity over and over, just think of what 20 weeks without their mother is doing to those kids, and the resentment they must feel for the new baby because it is taking their mother away, and causing so much strife in their family.

I guess those people think differently than I do, in that the added joy to the family is worth the struggle.

Denae

 

[DVCJEN]

No, you are not being an awful person at all! It sounds as though this family is being irresponsible and preying on the kindness of others.

 

[lulugirl]

I think when you start to rely heavily on friends, family and your community, it's time to close the baby factory.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

my honest answer is - when you feel in your heart that you have given enough, then it is time for you to move your charitable focus somewhere else.

We have a family in our Church. Every year it is the same thing, out of work, children won't have presents, family will have no Thanksgiving/Christmas meal... Father on disability and unable to work, but still manages to get his picture in the Church Newsletter on one of the men's retreats --- climbing a Rock Wall. I think most people know the story and the feeling it gives you. You hate saying no to the kids, but giving makes you feel resentful.....

I just got to the point that I couldn't contribute to that any longer. I asked for my donations this year to go to a few elderly shut-ins.

 

[missypie]

I would feel like you. Why would someone knowingly have high risk pregnancy after high risk pregnancy? What if she would die?

I wonder what Jesus WOULD do under this circumstance? Would he bring food to the house, or would he level with the couple that they need to stop having babies!!!

 

[Galahad]

If you don't feel it's right for you to help any more don't. But how many kids somebody has is nobody else's business. Even when the ask for help. If enough people say no it might change their behavior, but it's up to those they are asking to say no if they think they are being used.

 

[SleepyMom]

I would look at it from another angle, having been there myself. With our youngest DD I had a risky surgery in August and was told to limit my activity, in October I had to start being even more careful and in November I was put on full-time bed rest in the hospital, the baby wasn't due until February (she was born in January).

I cannot imagine doing that another 5 or 6 times! I wonder what her Dr.'s are saying to her??? Seems like medically that there is a point of enough is too much for your body.

It was so hard for us, we did not expect I would have to be in the hospital like that, so DH became full-time dad to oldest DD. Not only was he taking care of the house full-time and DD, he was working full-time and on top of that he came up to see me every night.

I don't know, it seems a bit selfish to me, to put your family through that over and over again. I personally would not be able to.

 

[canwegosoon]

What they do is their business...and what you do is your business. I feel if you don't want to support this then you shouldn't have to. I stopped giving to a school charity when I never saw the items I donated.

 

[missypie]

my honest answer is - when you feel in your heart that you have given enough, then it is time for you to move your charitable focus somewhere else.

We have a family in our Church. Every year it is the same thing, out of work, children won't have presents, family will have no Thanksgiving/Christmas meal... Father on disability and unable to work, but still manages to get his picture in the Church Newsletter on one of the men's retreats --- climbing a Rock Wall. I think most people know the story and the feeling it gives you. You hate saying no to the kids, but giving makes you feel resentful.....

We have a couple like that in our Sunday School class. One of the other members refers to them as the "PTs" - for "poor things." I am SO glad that I was absent the day someone in class passed the hat so they could make their mortage payments. This couple always feels "called" to go on church-sponsored mission trips to far away places...but of course, they can't afford it, so folks are always raising money so they can go...Gosh, I'D like to go to Eastern Europe, too...can I say I am called and get someone else to pay for it? (Sorry for the OT rant.)

 

[horseshowmom]

My first thought when I started your post was that it's her business how many children she has as long as she takes care of them, and it's not costing the taxpayers anything. However, as I read a little further, it became obvious that she's having to rely on others heavily.

I'd have to agree with your perspective that I would never impose on others like this (meaning repeated pregnancies where I would knowingly require the intensive help of others to take care of my family). I can certainly understand helping out someone who had something like this happen on a first time basis (maybe even twice, but NOT six times).

While it's fine for others to help out if they choose, I don't think you should feel guilty for not choosing to participate.

 

[SC Minnie]

Things like that bother me too. When they do I just say No I can't help this time. I have a problem helping people that don't/won't do anything to help themselves.

Some people are so used to handouts they think they are entitled to free bees.

 

[missypie]

You know, they really need to put them in touch with those "full quiver" people. They would gladly help others have a whole lot of kids.

 

[Beth76]

No, I don't think you're awful at all.

 

[HOGFAN]

This reminds me of my boss' husband. he was "sick " for 2 years with a stomach ailment and couldnt work. They got in a bad way financially and the coworkers helped them out. then come to find out that if he had stayed away from Burger King and Krispy Kreme he wouldnt have kept getting sick. needless to say that was the end of the "collections".

 

[C.Ann]

It could also be a religious belief that motivates them, so maybe we shouldn't judge..

 

[wilderness01]

I do know of a few families that because of their religious beliefs have 12, 13 & 14 children. However when they are constantly asking for help, it no longer becomes just their business. When a hand is out on more than one occasion and it is expected for others to help, then it does become my business. I just think, no matter what their belief system, that it is selfish to put yourself or your baby at risk for a known high risk pregnancy. What about thinking about the needs of the ENTIRE family. I have seen what this does to the other children and it is very difficult.

 

[glass-slipper]

It could also be a religious belief that motivates them, so maybe we shouldn't judge..

What religious belief would that be? The world revolves around me and give me, give me, give me? I wonder if it is a religious belief or a religious excuse? The OP belongs to the same church and she doesn't have 7 kids or begs for charity. I'm sorry, at some point in your life you have to take responsibilty for yourself and your family and not expect everyone else to bail you out. Sorry if I come off a little abrupt, I just think this family is taking advantage of a lot of kind-hearted people and it doesn't seem to be a very "religious" thing to do.

 

[christineann]

I look at it from this perspective: would I voluntarily place myself in a situation in which I could not provide adequate care for the children I already have? That would be enough for me to stop having children, no matter what my religious/personal beliefs were.

 

[Laura]

I knew a family who had--at last count--9 children. They at no time asked the church for help, as far as I know. The mother didn't seem to have much trouble with her pregnancies, though. So I can understand people wanting lots of kids, but you really need to take care of them.

The couple in the OP shouldn't be repeatedly asking for help each time they get pregnant. But hey, if they know they can get charity from the church, why should they stop asking for it?