When Grandpa shouldn't drive anymore - what can you do?

[lecach]

My grandparents are 88. Grandma is of sound mind and hearing but really really hates to drive. Grandpa does most of the driving but is almost deaf, can barely walk and is sometimes confused. They just moved back to hometown near all of us. Grandpa is probably okay to drive to grocery store and nearby places. But he really shouldn't drive farther than a few miles.

They are having their townhome painted starting tomorrow and Grandpa announced that he wants to go on a trip while that is being done - perhaps to the town they used to live in 2 hours away on the interstate. There is NO WAY he should do that. Grandma is afraid to say anything because the last time someone suggested that perhaps he shouldn't drive he got VERY VERY angry and she had to hide the keys from him.

I'm just wondering what we as the family can do short of telling him to his face that he can't drive. Anyone have any suggestions?

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Rearrange his plug wires

 

[sonnyjane]

My grandparents are 88. Grandma is of sound mind and hearing but really really hates to drive. Grandpa does most of the driving but is almost deaf, can barely walk and is sometimes confused. They just moved back to hometown near all of us. Grandpa is probably okay to drive to grocery store and nearby places. But he really shouldn't drive farther than a few miles.

They are having their townhome painted starting tomorrow and Grandpa announced that he wants to go on a trip while that is being done - perhaps to the town they used to live in 2 hours away on the interstate. There is NO WAY he should do that. Grandma is afraid to say anything because the last time someone suggested that perhaps he shouldn't drive he got VERY VERY angry and she had to hide the keys from him.

I'm just wondering what we as the family can do short of telling him to his face that he can't drive. Anyone have any suggestions?

Honestly I don't know but we are in the same situation now with one very big difference: my grandma is 85 and never learned to drive, so she depends on my grandpa. They live in the middle of nowhere so even groceries are at least a bit away. My mom invited them to move to FL with her (they're in PA) but grandpa is too stubborn. "Born there will die there" type thing. We at least told our grandma to not let him drive when it's raining or snowing. It's tough.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

You can get their family doctor or MVA involved. It is a hard thing to do.

 

[jerseygal]

Sounds to me likeGrandpa probably should only drive "in town or around the neighborhood", close to home. DON'T ALLOW Grandpa to drive this distance!
Instead, offer different alternatives, maybe staying with the grandkids or the "kids" families! Much SAFER!

I wouldn't be SO QUICK for Grandpa to give up his license totally. He may be quite capable to just drive short distances around town, but MAINTAINS HIS FREEDOM WITH THE CAR! My Mom, at 88 gave up her license(she was fine cognitively though) and had to allow upon my Dad to drive her to the grocery, bank, for clothing, etc. I saw her become unhappy because she liked her independence and shopping at the grocery "broke up her day". Was okay for a year, then Dad died suddenly and there she is living alone, now not driving! She at least would be a little happier now that she is alone "getting out in town" for a break grocery shopping, etc.
Now she is seems totally housebound and so unhappy! Won't consider moving in with her two daughters or even "around their homes"....just wants to "stay where she is"...

BEST OF LUCK!

 

[LukenDC]

Some DMVs permit members of the public to anonymously recommend poor and at-risk drivers for "testing." California's DMV used to have postcards that people could fill out.

My mother used the California DMV postcard method to report my grandmother. By that time, my grandmother was in her 80s, had already been involved in a fatal accident (not her fault, but mom claimed it likely would not have happened had a more skilled driver been behind the wheel), hit a child on a bicycle, and had a third serious crash. She was also developing dementia.

We never did find out how California would have addressed the report. The same day that my mom filled out the postcard, Grandma was out driving. She became disoriented, drove several miles past her destination, and crossed the border into Tijuana. She was involved in a minor accident, gave her car and the keys to some children in the street, and was wandering Tijuana until a Mexican family drove her back to the border. Social services ensured that that was Grandma's last drive.

 

[tvguy]

If he isn't safe to be on the road, take the car away, not the keys.

The father of a co-worker of my wife had dementia. They took the car keys away. He called a locksmith and had keys made for the car, took off, and crashed into a tree, killing himself.

 

[Mickeefan]

When this happened with my Grandpa, my Dad (his son) asked if my sister could borrow his car. She was going away to school & needed a car to use. They were living in an assisted living facility, so grocery & meals were not an issue. He gladly let my sister borrow the car. He would ask occasionally if she still had the car (in case he needed it), but was happy to let her use it.

My maternal grandmother willingly gave up her car when she moved into a retirement home. In fact, she did all the "leg work" and donated her car to Volunteers of America.

 

[sunshinehighway]

If he isn't safe to be on the road, take the car away, not the keys.

The father of a co-worker of my wife had dementia. They took the car keys away. He called a locksmith and had keys made for the car, took off, and crashed into a tree, killing himself.

You can't just take someone's car away. That would be stealing.

 

[laurafergie]

If he isn't safe to be on the road, take the car away, not the keys.

The father of a co-worker of my wife had dementia. They took the car keys away. He called a locksmith and had keys made for the car, took off, and crashed into a tree, killing himself.

DH has been "borrowing" his father's (87 yrs) truck for about 9 months now, ever since his dad's last traffic accident.

 

[whitney250]

My grandfather (secretly) took out a small part of the engine when my great grandmother could no longer drive safely. She had dementia and would become so lost that she would end up in the neighboring town. It was done that way to save her feelings.

 

[mnrose]

If Grandpa isn't safe to drive on the freeway, he's probably not safe to drive around town either.

For my Dad, we convinced him to take a 'behind the wheel' test in a simulator. He "killed" a kid on a bike during the simulation and that was enough for him to stop driving. It was an eye-opening experience for him. We had been pestering him about it, and told him that if he took (and passed) the simulator test, we would stop bothering him. He thought he would "prove" what a great driver he was. My Dad was an over the road trucker and has driven several million (yes million) miles in his lifetime. But, at some point, most people can no longer safely drive.

In his area, the local hospital (mid size city) had a simulator.

 

[sunshinehighway]

If Grandpa isn't safe to drive on the freeway, he's probably not safe to drive around town either.

For my Dad, we convinced him to take a 'behind the wheel' test in a simulator. He "killed" a kid on a bike during the simulation and that was enough for him to stop driving. It was an eye-opening experience for him. We had been pestering him about it, and told him that if he took (and passed) the simulator test, we would stop bothering him. He thought he would "prove" what a great driver he was. My Dad was an over the road trucker and has driven several million (yes million) miles in his lifetime. But, at some point, most people can no longer safely drive.

In his area, the local hospital (mid size city) had a simulator.

I agree with the bolded. It's a hard thing to deal with older parents/grandparents and getting them to stop driving. It's necessary though.
Also, the person might be getting in accidents that aren't technically their fault but likely wouldn't have happened if someone else had been driving. My neighbor's mother was like this. She couldn't clearly see 20 feet in front of her but she thought she was fine driving. She'd come to visit and all the neighborhood kids (elementary school aged) would know to get far away from the street when they saw her car. She was getting into little accidents but she was never at fault (or so she said). All I could picture was a cartoon where the little old lady is driving cluelessly down the road while she creates chaos behind her.
Her daughter had to finally put her foot down and tell her if she continued to drive, she couldn't come to visit because there were too many kids in the neighborhood and she was going to eventually hit one of them

 

[indygirl99]

My DH mother was told by her doctor to not drive and he reported it to the DMV like they are supposed to. The problem is the DMV doesn't come and take their license away.

MIL kept driving. We took her keys away, brother in law gave them back and sent her to the store (because he wanted to watch TV). MIL went the wrong way on a one way street and hit a police car head on. No injuries thank goodness.

BUT because the DMV had record she was not to drive she had a $5000 dollar fine she had to pay in court. BIL lost his car (it was totaled) insurance refused to pay for a new car, because MIL was not supposed to drive, and the insurance company dropped BIL from their insurance. BIL lost his car insurance and his home insurance and had difficulty finding anyone to cover him.

He pays big time premiums now.

Sometimes you have to be the mean one to help protect not only your family member but the ones on the road they make have a crash with.

 

[frostedpink]

My dad has both ALS and Alzheimer's. His doctor sent him to the DMV to take the driver's test again and he PASSED. He was elated, my mother and I were disappointed. His hands are so weak, he can't open the car door or turn the key himself, yet somehow he was able to maneuver the steering wheel enough to pass the test.

And of course the Alzheimer's factor....

 

[tvguy]

You can't just take someone's car away. That would be stealing.

DH has been "borrowing" his father's (87 yrs) truck for about 9 months now, ever since his dad's last traffic accident.

laurafergie is more along the lines of what I was saying. But it appears OP's Grandma is on board with taking the keys away, if she is also owner of the car, should be no problem.

My mechanic has been "working" on his elderly MIL's car for 2 years now, because of concerns she might try and drive.

 

[NotUrsula]

We had to do this with my MIL about 2 years ago. In her case, she was having little mini-blackouts from low blood pressure. They happened while she was driving a couple of times; she would "mysteriously" find herself driving down the wrong side of the road and not know how it happened. She only drove in the neighborhood, to the grocery store and to her Dr. office. Her physician told her to stop driving and turn over her keys.

Luckily, the only person she managed to hurt was herself (by running over curbs and into trees), but what if she had hit a child or a pedestrian? It really doesn't matter what kind of road it is; when their reflexes cannot handle driving, then they need to give up driving. A car is a mighty deadly weapon even if it is only going 35 mph. (Older folks will tell you that statistics show that they are safe drivers; that they get in far fewer accidents than teens. What they won't point out to you is the percentage of accidents involving the elderly that result in someone else's death or severe injury. The NTSB says that the non-driver fatality rate for accidents where the driver is over age 80 is 4X higher than it is when the driver at fault is a teen. Bad teen drivers tend to kill themselves, while bad elderly drivers tend to kill other people.)

Call your grandfather's physician and report your concerns, and ask that the physician take steps to get him to stop driving. Most doctors are willing to take the heat for that, and most older folks are far more likely to listen if the order comes from a doctor.

 

[Jedana]

My dad was given a choice by the doctor. Stop driving on his own, or he'll go to the DMV and get the license revoked.

Dad was on oxygen (COPD) and would fall asleep at random times/places. Once he was in the grocery store, sat down by his cart and went to sleep with his head pillowed on a shelf of bread. (Just imagine an old man, no hair on the top of his head except for a few combovers, wearing a ratty tshirt and highwater pants with rainbow suspender, sleeping on loaves of rye and sourdough. Go ahead, laugh, it's ok.)

Anyways, the doc said with the falling asleep, it's time to stop driving. Dad sold his car to my nephew (for $400, a piece of junk), and my sister got to play taxi driver until he passed on. (Her family was the only ones living in the same state with him. If he had been in CO, my brother and other sister would have had "dad duty", or if he'd been in Vegas, it would have been mine.)

 

[Southernmiss]

We've convinced my 94 year-old grandmother she shouldn't drive just this year.

She started falling and fell in the parking lot at cvs. That made her realize she needed the help.

We've made it a point to be available to help her with errands and appointments. That's made it easier, but she still laments that she wishes she could drive.

I helped with Friday errands until i started working full-time. My mom goes most days to check on her and take her to drs. appointments. My cousin has taken my Fridays. And my uncle works nearby by and is available some, too.

My cousins wanted to hide her keys. But she's as sharp mentally as ever and would have hurt herself looking all over for her keys.

 

[wenrob]

My grandmother gave up her vehicle (but not her license) voluntarily about ten years ago. About two years ago she suddenly decided she was going to buy a car and started asking myself and my sister to take her to get it. Well, Grandma was a frightening driver when she was 100% of sound mind and decent physical condition. I had been relieved when she gave it up. But now, she was convinced she'd been forced to give up her vehicle (not true) and she had to have one. She even put a down payment on one over the phone! We of course refused to take her to pick it up. We tried reasoning and my sweet little grandma turned nasty, it was not pretty. It hurt beyond belief but I knew I couldn't let her do it. I was afraid she'd kill somebody so I ratted her out to my Uncles. She was angry with all of us for a long time but she's finally let it go. It was in our favor that she couldn't really get her hands on one without our cooperation. It's hard when they get old, you don't want to offend but you can't let them do something dangerous either. There really is no easy way. If he's a danger to others on the road someone has to take/disable the vehicle.