When Christmas budgets are so different

[MissDaisyofTexas]

Hi--yes, it's August and I'm already thinking about Christmas. I like to start shopping early to spread out the expenses over many months, and look for the best prices on items.

Anyways, we spend every Christmas with my in-laws (my kids' grandparents, and my BIL/SIL and 2 nieces). We all stay in my in-laws house for a few days and spend the entire holiday together, Santa visits everyone at the same house.

The dilemma is that DH and I have a much different Christmas budget than my BIL/SIL for our kids. We have 3 kids and spend $150-$200 on each for all their gifts, including Santa gifts. We also go on a family vacation each year. They get way more for Christmas than I did growing up (my gifts were always kinda lame, PJs/socks/underwear). My BIL/SIL get their kids a lot more for Christmas, and last year my oldest started to notice. His cousin, who is the same age, got a Nintendo DS with many games and an American Girl and more. My son really wanted a Nintendo DS, but the price of it plus a game or two would have eaten up the entire Christmas budget for him. We decided to wait until his birthday, and let him save up part of the money. We were upfront with him and told him that he wasn't getting one for Christmas and explained why. We didn't know in advance that his cousin was getting a Nintendo DS, so my son was upset that his cousin got one plus a ton of other gifts. I felt really bad for him. (My in-laws have a higher income and they never travel, so they can afford the larger Christmas budget).

I know this is going to continue to come up, with ipods and laptops and other electronics that kids want/get for Christmas.

I suggested to DH that we spend Christmas at our house, and then travel to see his family after Christmas, but DH won't hear of it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? I suppose I just need to be honest with my kids about budgets and how we prioritize family vacations and such. It's just hard when they're with the cousins on Christmas morning and it's not comparable.

Thanks.

 

[bethy]

We are pretty much in the exact same position and so I'm eager to see any responses you get.

 

[ceecee]

I think opening gifts at your house and then going to the inlaws after is a good idea. That way everyone opens gifts at home even the "Santa" gifts? We always did that and then we go to Grandma's house. It will be getting worse the older they get with the want getting more expensive: laptops, ipads, itouch, phones and the list goes on.
When DD was younger we hit all the gifts and then Santa came...so she woke up to that excitement. Actually we still do that!

 

[SamSam]

Sounds like a tough situation to be in. We always got together with extended family for Christmas, but did our individual family gift exchanges on our own so we didn't have to deal with your problem.

I'm really glad we did it that way because we would have been in the same situation as you, We had a relatively smalll Christmas budget, however my broher and SIL had a huge Christmas budget which would have been pretty hard for our kids.

 

[ilovemk76]

Hi--yes, it's August and I'm already thinking about Christmas. I like to start shopping early to spread out the expenses over many months, and look for the best prices on items.

Anyways, we spend every Christmas with my in-laws (my kids' grandparents, and my BIL/SIL and 2 nieces). We all stay in my in-laws house for a few days and spend the entire holiday together, Santa visits everyone at the same house.

The dilemma is that DH and I have a much different Christmas budget than my BIL/SIL for our kids. We have 3 kids and spend $150-$200 on each for all their gifts, including Santa gifts. We also go on a family vacation each year. They get way more for Christmas than I did growing up (my gifts were always kinda lame, PJs/socks/underwear). My BIL/SIL get their kids a lot more for Christmas, and last year my oldest started to notice. His cousin, who is the same age, got a Nintendo DS with many games and an American Girl and more. My son really wanted a Nintendo DS, but the price of it plus a game or two would have eaten up the entire Christmas budget for him. We decided to wait until his birthday, and let him save up part of the money. We were upfront with him and told him that he wasn't getting one for Christmas and explained why. We didn't know in advance that his cousin was getting a Nintendo DS, so my son was upset that his cousin got one plus a ton of other gifts. I felt really bad for him. (My in-laws have a higher income and they never travel, so they can afford the larger Christmas budget).

I know this is going to continue to come up, with ipods and laptops and other electronics that kids want/get for Christmas.

I suggested to DH that we spend Christmas at our house, and then travel to see his family after Christmas, but DH won't hear of it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? I suppose I just need to be honest with my kids about budgets and how we prioritize family vacations and such. It's just hard when they're with the cousins on Christmas morning and it's not comparable.

Thanks.

Kids will notice whether they get the gifts at home or at the same time. How old are the kids? Soon your DS will know about Santa and then you just explain that each parent gets to give what they think their own kids get.

If he still believes, then tell him that the parent gets to approve what Santa brings and have to pay for the materials to make the toys. The elves are free labor but the plastic still costs for Santa to buy. Each parent only sends the money for the material for the stuff they approved.

 

[Disneyliscious]

I would explain the situation to them. I went through this with my kids, but it wasn't just at Christmas.

My brother and his wife live in a very nice home and have 5 kids ages 9-22 (the oldest is now moved out). They do LOTS of activities throughout the year and have some nice things. We are more simple minded. We do things too, but its not on the scale that they do.

When my youngest asked me about why his cousins get to do things that he doesn't.....I reminded him that while his cousins may have nicer things, not once in their lives have they ever taken a vacation. I ultimately gave my boys a choice to live nicer throughout the year or to save and take a really nice vacation every couple of years. The immediately chose the vacations.

Im sure a talk with your kids would really help out. It sounds like a tough spot to be in but you are teaching your kids the value of a dollar and how to budget and while that may not be all "Christmasy"...its certainly a valuable lesson.

 

[Plumeria9]

I'm so glad we don't have to do what you do. My SIL is a single-parent and has one 5DD. That kid gets so many things it's a joke. My kids, 10DD and 7DD always feel funny when we visit them because the niece has so many things. When she was 2 or 3 my SIL bought her one of those little pedal cars that is a Mercedes! It was really nice, and my SIL wouldn't let my kids sit in it. Well that's another thread...
When I was growing up we always did our gifts then headed over to have a family party, it eliminated any of the jealously issues. Good luck, I know it's a tough spot to be in.

 

[MissDaisyofTexas]

OP here--Thanks for your responses and ideas. My DH has spent EVERY Christmas Eve/Day with his parents and he still refuses to skip that, even if we come just one day later. But I agree, I think the kids would still notice anyways because we'd arrive and the cousins would still have their expensive gifts. I guess I'll just be prepared to have the discussion again, and use it as a teaching experience.

One thing I will be doing different this Christmas, however, is surprising my kids with the news of a Disney cruise for next summer and kind of tying our vacation plans into our Christmas celebration. I plan on wrapping up a treasure box with a few cruise-ish things in it. I think they will be surprised and excited! Of course I will be doing this a few days before Christmas at our house, because I don't think it would be fair to do this in front of their cousins who never go on vacation.

 

[auralia]

I don't know how old your son is but maybe it's time to tell him the truth about santa if his age is appropriate? we have the same problem my brother can't afford it but he goes NUTS on his kids. My dd is only four so she doesn't notice yet and this will be the last christmas we go home i think because after this christmas i will have to buy four plane tickets instead of 3... the reason i can't spoil m kids is those darn plane tickets its 1200 just for 3 people 900 if i get a great deal... so once we are buying 4 tickets i believe that will be it.... anyway

If he isn't old enough that perhaps your bil/sil could start limiting what is from santa and start putting from mom and dad on some of the packages? i realize there would still be a huge difference but those presents would be from their mom and dad instead of santa so the santa presents could be equal? also if your kids ask why the cousins get so many presents from their parents in addition to santa you can point out that you go on vacations instead of extra presents at christmas and then it would add up better! of course that is if the inlaws will go along with it!

 

[delmar411]

OP here--Thanks for your responses and ideas. My DH has spent EVERY Christmas Eve/Day with his parents and he still refuses to skip that, even if we come just one day later. But I agree, I think the kids would still notice anyways because we'd arrive and the cousins would still have their expensive gifts. I guess I'll just be prepared to have the discussion again, and use it as a teaching experience.

One thing I will be doing different this Christmas, however, is surprising my kids with the news of a Disney cruise for next summer and kind of tying our vacation plans into our Christmas celebration. I plan on wrapping up a treasure box with a few cruise-ish things in it. I think they will be surprised and excited! Of course I will be doing this a few days before Christmas at our house, because I don't think it would be fair to do this in front of their cousins who never go on vacation.

I don't know. I think if you are including the cruise in your Christmas plans then the kids should have something to feel excited about to distract from their cousins opening gifts of items they may want themselves.

Vacations aren't a priority for your IL's but maybe if their kids start asking then that would help solve the Christmas issue?

 

[fakereadhed]

I don't know a lot, but I do know that you can't change a husband's family traditions or get his family to do the right thing for your family. That much I have learned from over 20 years with my DH.

I think it's completely normal for the kids to want as much as others get for Christmas. I wouldn't explain at all. I would simply say that the monetary value of gifts you recieve from others, even Santa, are not what Christmas is about. They will get it eventually!

Also, just wait a few more years until it starts affecting DH and then maybe he will want to break with tradition. Mine that swore we had to relive his childhood Christmases or the world would end now suggests we go away for the holidays and avoid the drama altogether. Never thought it would happen!

 

[ceecee]

What about your parents/siblings? Seems like your DH is being a little selfish here, especially if your kids are feeling slighted. Once you get married you have your own family and need to do what's right with that.

 

[FayeW]

Ask hubby how much debt he is willing to go in to so that his kids don't feel slighted at the Christmas celebration he insists they attend. Tell him flat out that you and the childrent will NOT be spending Christmas Eve/Morning with his family if it means that your children are made to feel bad. Really, he is choosing his extended family over his children's feelings, and that's not cool.

 

[disykat]

Does your husband get everything he wants? You've spent every Christmas with his parents? It's your turn to choose, and IMO you're being more than generous agreeing to travel to see them right after Christmas.

We always travel to see both of our families right after Christmas and it's worked very well for our family. DH's family does Christmas very differently than we do, no Santa but more money spent. We all agreed to steer our kids away from these topics and it worked - it really was a non-issue.

DH's family was initially quite upset about us not being there on Christmas Day, but they've come around and I think everyone enjoys the way we celebrate now. Everyone gets their own celebration AND an exteneded family celebration.

 

[yesiamcrazy]

In my family we're the poor ones. In dh's family, we're the ones with money. I agree, you should have your own "christmas" at your house.

At our house Santa comes early. It's easy, just email Santa, and he can come a few days earlier (he does this at my sister's house too) so then we can all be together with the big family at Christmas, but there's less comparing of the gifts.

 

[princessmom29]

Sorry, but I would be putting my foot down here. What makes it ok for your DH to insit on getting his way every year? Why are his feelings more important that your or the kids? It wouldn't happen in my household that's for sure. We are a family, and everyone's feelings and opinions are important.

 

[MissDaisyofTexas]

Hi, OP here--it's really not an issue of visiting his family vs. my family. His family lives only 6 hours away, mine lives 14+ hours away where the weather is bad in the winter. We see my family in the summer and I'm totally fine with that. I believe that in marriage, you have to choose your battles. And spending Christmas away from his family isn't, at this point, a battle I want to fight. His family is great (not to mention that our kids totally look forward to playing with their cousins non-stop while we're there). It's just the gift discrepancy part that is challenging. I appreciate your comments.

 

[Gigi22]

Just a thought--OP, why can't you give your kids their cruise treasure chest for Christmas, when their cousins are around? It seems to me that if the boot were on the other foot for your ILs' children, your ILs might be more willing to compromise on the entire gift issue. Just saying...

 

[Disneyliscious]

I do agree that the cruise should be included as part of the gifts they open with everyone else. Its part of their Christmas. Why not?

I admire you for biting the bullet and trying to protect everyones feelings. Its stressful Im sure. But don't give your kids "less" of a feeling in an effort to protect the cousins. Sometimes for kids, its all about letting the others see what you get. Giving them the cruise early will be a great feeling for them, but nothing like the feeling they would get from getting to open that in front of their cousins.

Its not like you are hurrying to buy a cruise just because the in-laws spend more money on Christmas. Its not a gift of spite. Its a gift you had already planned. Share it.

You never know, it may just jolt the cousins to realize there is a whole new world out there that includes "gifts" you don't plug into a wall. I mean really....HOW COOL is getting a crusie for a Christmas gift? I'd be on cloud 9!!! Let them young'ons bask in their moment of glory!

 

[MissDaisyofTexas]

Just a thought--OP, why can't you give your kids their cruise treasure chest for Christmas, when their cousins are around? It seems to me that if the boot were on the other foot for your ILs' children, your ILs might be more willing to compromise on the entire gift issue. Just saying...

I totally get what you're saying...but my nieces have been wanting to go to Disneyworld for years now, and I just can't do that to them. My BIL thinks it's crazy to spend a few thousand dollars on a vacation that is over in a week and not "tangible". They choose to spend their money on other things, which is totally fine for them. Also, if I have my kids open the cruise surprise at my in-laws, all I will hear about from the other adults is "What? Another vacation? Another trip to Disney? How much is that costing you? Are you crazy?" My DH did not grow up going on family vacations, I have sort of won him over to going on one per year because he sees how much fun the kids have and he enjoys going. But it's totally out of the norm for his family. I also think that by opening the cruise surprise at our house, the night before we travel to theirs for Christmas, we can spend time watching the cruise DVD and learning all about it.