When a Parent Dies and Loser Siblings Come Looking for Money

[Pink Partridge]

Just got off from a very long conversation with a close cousin.

Imagine taking care of a parent with dementia for 7 years straight. You have 2 other siblings that live 10 minutes from that parent, yet they never helped with anything. Literally never brought a meal. Never called. Never took over for a doctor's appointment. Visited on Christmas and her birthday and scrolled on their phones the entire time.

My Aunt passed away (honestly, a blessing at this point) and my cousin's phone rings the next day with her siblings asking how much money will they be getting. Exact words.

My cousin worked her fingers to the bone taking care of her mother. Near had a nervous breakdown over the stress. And this is what she is going through right now. I am trying my best to support her emotionally, but I can't help but bash my loser cousins/her siblings.

Sadly, the house and all assets will be split 3 ways, per the will. My cousin doesn't care about the money, it's the principle of the matter. The other two never helped, but hands are already out. Sigh. Some people are just rotten.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.

 

[citruscurtis]

Very normal behavior... well maybe not normal... how about frequent and not uncommon

 

[TippyThomas]

It's sad what hopes of inheritance will do to some people.

 

[citruscurtis]

Now the flip side...my mother was not a good mother and abandoned her children...my sister..who I consider the best human on Earth took on the responsibility of caring for her mother. Wife and I are involved with a friend whose wife died.... Children had no response to the cancer or death... she was not a good parent from the behaviors she exhibited and shared... my wife took care of her mother and none of her brothers responded with any means and she was not a good mother because of her being bi-polar...
So the siblings who responded to care for a parent are exceptional people... and my sister and wife have many friends because of who they are

 

[mylilnikita]

Sometimes, they don’t even wait before the person passes.
My grandmother had 4 out of 5 selfish children.
By the time she went into a nursing home ( still a sore subject with me for personal reasons ) she had to sell the house and belongings.
She had 3 children that were still alive at this point. One was a few hours away, one was too busy to see how many flings he could have in a week and then my mom who was also self absorbed.
At 16 I drove her to appointments and cleaned the house. None of the other grandchildren came for years ( she wasn’t the softest grandmother but) .
So I was about 18 or 19 and she went into a place. It was to be a sale of thr stuff inside. Before she went she gave to me the things I wanted like a bedroom suit and some more personal momento.
She also asked if I could be there at the sale of stuff as well as my uncle the local manho.
She also told me if certain people showed up to kick them out. One was my cousin who made comments about my other racial history she qs blonde hair blue eyed and a bit older. And a relative who had for years wanted my grandmothers land at a big discount
These 2 showed up and my uncle just sat there and i had to kick them out.
My cousin wanted the china cabinet and etc and had bright a moving van um nope get the heck out this is what our grandmother said go ask her yourself but it would be the only time you have visited her in years.
None of the other grandkids came so at least they weren’t fake.


OP; not trying to be personal but should the caretaker cousin be listed as the executor 1) she may get ready for some pressure from them but she need to tell them there is a process and they will have to wait because she can get in trouble 2) if she is the executor she can claim a fee for doing it. She may think money is important right now but she gave up 7 years of income for herself. She needs to care about herself now and maybe go get some therapy because from personal experience with my parents especially my mom caregiving take a toll on you.
I’m very sorry for your family loss

 

[barkley]

Just got off from a very long conversation with a close cousin.

Imagine taking care of a parent with dementia for 7 years straight. You have 2 other siblings that live 10 minutes from that parent, yet they never helped with anything. Literally never brought a meal. Never called. Never took over for a doctor's appointment. Visited on Christmas and her birthday and scrolled on their phones the entire time.

My Aunt passed away (honestly, a blessing at this point) and my cousin's phone rings the next day with her siblings asking how much money will they be getting. Exact words.

My cousin worked her fingers to the bone taking care of her mother. Near had a nervous breakdown over the stress. And this is what she is going through right now. I am trying my best to support her emotionally, but I can't help but bash my loser cousins/her siblings.

Sadly, the house and all assets will be split 3 ways, per the will. My cousin doesn't care about the money, it's the principle of the matter. The other two never helped, but hands are already out. Sigh. Some people are just rotten.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.

I'm sorry for your good cousin. I hope she's not executor of her mom's estate b/c that only compounds the frustration/anguish.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Now the flip side...my mother was not a good mother and abandoned her children...my sister..who I consider the best human on Earth took on the responsibility of caring for her mother. Wife and I are involved with a friend whose wife died.... Children had no response to the cancer or death... she was not a good parent from the behaviors she exhibited and shared... my wife took care of her mother and none of her brothers responded with any means and she was not a good mother because of her being bi-polar...
So the siblings who responded to care for a parent are exceptional people... and my sister and wife have many friends because of who they are

I get what you are saying. There are people who are not good parents. And nobody has to take care of those bad parents. But to ask ask about money within 24 hours? So terrible.

My Aunt was a wonderful woman. Kind and loving to her children. Her husband (who passed away suddenly 20 odd years ago) was also a wonderful human. They gave their 3 children everything. They were always gentle people. When my Aunt started going down hill, the loser cousins said "Oh. It is to rough to see Mom like that" or "My kids have to come first. I'm too busy". Their kids are in their 20s! Meanwhile, my Good Cousin was juggling teenagers, a job, and a rocky marriage.

Her siblings helped with nothing. They even questioned her when she hired lawn service., after she couldn't fit in cutting the grass anymore, because she was taking care of her mother. "Is that money coming out of Mom's bank account?", all while not lifting a finger.

 

[Pink Partridge]

hope she's not executor of her mom's estate b/c that only compounds the frustration/anguish.

She is Now imagine all the work she has to do, and the Loser Cousins will benefit.

 

[jtopp]

My condolences on your loss. I hope your cousin IS the executor of the estate. At least they could obtain the executor fee, and they could withhold all assets of the estate until all fees and invoices are paid. Odds are the greedy ungrateful relatives will be drooling for their inheritance, and at least your cousin can hold that back as long as legally allowed. Sounds kind of shallow and resentful, but the other greedy relatives are worse.

 

[mylilnikita]

Oh I forgot this: have your cousin change all the locks to the house NOW. And take inventory pictures

 

[TwoMisfits]

I get what you are saying. There are people who are not good parents. And nobody has to take care of those bad parents. But to ask ask about money within 24 hours? So terrible.

My Aunt was a wonderful woman. Kind and loving to her children. Her husband (who passed away suddenly 20 odd years ago) was also a wonderful human. They gave their 3 children everything. They were always gentle people. When my Aunt started going down hill, the loser cousins said "Oh. It is to rough to see Mom like that" or "My kids have to come first. I'm too busy". Their kids are in their 20s! Meanwhile, my Good Cousin was juggling teenagers, a job, and a rocky marriage.

Her siblings helped with nothing. They even questioned her when she hired lawn service., after she couldn't fit in cutting the grass anymore, because she was taking care of her mother. "Is that money coming out of Mom's bank account?", all while not lifting a finger.

That gets me - my sis took in my mom in her last months, and I became the power of attorney on my mom's finances (so the 2 tasks were split). I told my sis that anything my mom wanted that would also benefit my sis would be paid by my mom's assets...and if the other siblings objected, they could take over as POA on the money or as the caretaker. So, with the expectation set, I then sent monthly lists of all the expenses to the other 4 (and my sis) by email and no one ever complained about anything. Mom wanted Netflix and HBO - fine. Mom wanted certain name brand groceries that would obviously get shared - fine. Sis wanted to go out, so needed help to watch my mom for a few hours - fine.

Anything to help my sis was the goal. B/c she was doing so much for the family.

So, Op, I really feel for your family member. Even being the money POA was work for me (especially dealing with health insurance), and I can't imagine if I was the caretaker (which my sis was).

 

[barkley]

She is Now imagine all the work she has to do, and the Loser Cousins will benefit.

My condolences on your loss. I hope your cousin IS the executor of the estate. At least they could obtain the executor fee, and they could withhold all assets of the estate until all fees and invoices are paid. Odds are the greedy ungrateful relatives will be drooling for their inheritance, and at least your cousin can hold that back as long as legally allowed. Sounds kind of shallow and resentful, but the other greedy relatives are worse.

depending on how a will (or trust) is set up there may be no executor's fee (or if accounts/property are set up p.o.d./t.o.d., there's life insurance in which case they are exempt...) and even if there is a provision for it- dealing with horrible people is rarely worth it. constant harassing phone calls, emails and texts during a process that can take over a year in the best of circumstances before everything is settled can be a nightmare. my situation with it ended up involving law enforcement in 2 different states and 3 jurisdictions because 'greedy' people CAN become dangerous and physically violent people when they perceive someone is withholding their due.

 

[Willow Ufgood]

She is Now imagine all the work she has to do, and the Loser Cousins will benefit.

As executor, she should be entitled to compensation from the estate for all the work she has to do in order to satisfy the terms of the will. She should take the full amount the state or court allows.

All of your aunt's debts need to be satisfied before anyone gets a dime. Doctor bills, outstanding hospital bills, credit cards, and the funeral expenses.

Your cousin will also be responsible for clearing out the house and making it ready for sale. Hire someone to do it and pay them out of the estate. Our realtor took care of all of that for us when my husband's uncle passed, leaving him as executor. She didn't get paid until settlement was made on the sale of the house. It was worth every penny paid. The house was a hoarder's dream! Give everyone a set amount of time to go in and claim any keepsakes (like china, figurines or family photos). Jewelry is considered an asset that should be assigned a value as a part of the estate and deducted from the inheritance of whoever takes it. If no one wants the jewelry, it has to be sold and that money becomes part of the estate.

Until the house is sold, the estate must keep the utilities and taxes paid, any HOA fees and exterior maintenance kept up (lawn mowing, snow removal, etc.). Keep good records of all those costs. Paying by check will help with a paper trail.

In my state, there is an inheritance tax. Pretty much everything of value is lumped together and taxed. There is no tax on spousal inheritance and it's lower for immediate descendants than family members who are non-linear descendants or grandchildren. The executor has a set time limit in which to pay those taxes following the death. If paid before a certain date, there's a small discount. If the house hasn't sold, the state expects an estimate on the value. If the house sells for more than you estimated the state penalizes you for the difference. If it sells for less, good luck trying to get money back from the government.

I hope your cousin has the stomach to stand up to her siblings and tells them that no one gets anything until the will has been probated and all accounts have been settled. She was left in charge and if her siblings object to how she is handling the estate, they can spend their own money to hire a lawyer to challenge her decisions. Sorry if this sounds crass but we have had to be POAs and executors a number of times over the past 5 years. No one does you any favors when they name you to handle their affairs. They do it because they consider you to be the most trustworthy of the people they know.

 

[kdonnel]

Something similar happened when my mom's mother died.

My mom's sister has taken care of the mother for the last 8 years of the mother's life. My mom rarely saw them in person and primarily just talked to them on the phone. My mother had no idea how hard those last 8 years were on her sister.

When the mother died my mother got miffed that there was only a few thousand left of the mother's money. She assumed her sister was keeping more than her share.

It put a wedge between the sisters for several months before my mom was able to understand what a handful the mother had been as the dementia progressed and what her care cost.

Eventually they made up.

 

[RedAngie]

Something similar happened to a cousin on my father’s side of the family. The youngest daughter of five siblings somehow got elected to take on the bulk of the duties when their parents became infirm. The others were usually “too busy” with their kids to offer much assistance. The parents recognized this and left the youngest daughter the bulk of their assets. The other siblings objected and I heard there were several lawsuits filed.

Speaking of inheritances, my mother’s youngest brother asked his parents for “his share of the inheritance” about 7 and 10 years before they died. It’s not like he was destitute; he just wanted to travel and enjoy some of the finer things in life. The parents flat out refused.

 

[jdb in AZ]

A friend is in her 70's and already the vultures are circling the assets. She has a lot of original Disney artwork, production "cels" that were actually used in animated movies. For example, the Sorcerer's Apprentice cel is worth some $40,000 and her grand kids want her to put a label on the back of each piece of artwork saying who gets what. What would you tell the greedy bounders?

I told her to tell the kids (in their 20's) that if they bring up the inheritance again she'll write them out of the will.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Ha! It's not just your cousin and her crappy family. My story might make you feel better (or worse...)

I have 2 brothers, we'll call them D and Mooch. I also have a sister, T. When our bipolar, legally blind mom was diagnosed with dementia, we put her in assisted living. Both brothers were peeved that she couldn't just go home to live with T. T worked full-time, had a house with no first-floor bathroom, and lived 20 yards from a very busy street (2 lanes in each direction). Perfect place for an unsupervised crazy person who couldn't see! But, we were blowing their inheritance, don't you see. Neither brother offered to lift a finger for her care. (FTR, I was 200 miles away and pregnant with kid #4--I wasn't much help, either, but I fully supported assisted living).

When Mom died, D, T, and I made a bet as to how long after her funeral would Mooch ask about his inheritance. The correct answer is 48 minutes. We timed it. T won the bet--D and I both guessed shorter amounts of time.

So, that was 2006. In 2023, D died. He'd been a drug addict for decades, it finally caught up with him. When T called Mooch to tell him of the funeral plans, Mooch said he would only come if T and I paid his expenses. D died indigent, so T and I were already shelling out $4k apiece for his final expenses (funeral mass, burial with our parents, etc.). I wasn't shelling out a dime for Mooch, and neither was T. He's north of 60, and still grifting--I don't even want to know how much back child support he owes to his ex-wife, but that's a story for another day.

In any event, OP, I feel your pain. I'm sorry your cousin is going through this. At least my sister and I can laugh about it. And we sleep well at night, knowing we did what was right for D.

 

[mylilnikita]

No one does you any favors when they name you to handle their affairs. They do it because they consider you to be the most trustworthy of the people they know.

But that is a choice for the trustworthy person to decide if they want to do it or not. Too much for the person they can choose to say no.

I was my dad’s Durable POA and Executor , not his sisters or my mom. He was diagnosed with stage 4 ling cancer and got his affairs in order. He trusted me the most. I had no problem even when getting blow back from my mom lol.
He had 2 sisters left by then and they weren’t close with us because his mom hated my mom ( they met after he divorced his first wife but yet my mom was the reason why lol) .
Anyway: they came to see him and made it seem like after he was gone we would start a new relationship. I was actually happy.
My dad chose to go against the regular being buried and gave his body to science and then the ashes woukd be sent to a relative who would spread them where he wanted in another state.
His sisters were upset and tried talking him out of it and tried to get me to change his mind . I said no it’s what he wanted so that was what was going to happen.
These females: said well why don’t you tell him you will make sure it will be done but when he passed they would have his body transported back to his birth state.
I kid you not. No sorry that is messed up and it was at that moment I knew why he wanted me to be everything.


My mom I am only child but her sister was always scheming and sketchy and the week before my mom passed she did something I could not let slide and I told her once mom had passed I would never have anything to do with. And I kept that promise.

 

[WEDWDW]

A friend is in her 70's and already the vultures are circling the assets. She has a lot of original Disney artwork, production "cels" that were actually used in animated movies. For example, the Sorcerer's Apprentice cel is worth some $40,000 and her grand kids want her to put a label on the back of each piece of artwork saying who gets what. What would you tell the greedy bounders?

I told her to tell the kids (in their 20's) that if they bring up the inheritance again she'll write them out of the will.

I would write them out now

One strike and you're out for stunts like that IMO.

 

[marthachick]

She is Now imagine all the work she has to do, and the Loser Cousins will benefit.

I’m not sure about all states but tell her if she can charge fees for being executor to charge the maximum amount allowed.