What's wrong with me??

[yourtravelpro]

I just stated in another post that I stayed away from the boards for awhile but recently came back. I know that a lot of posters have some really good advice so I am seeking some, because I am at a loss as to what's wrong with me.

Where do I start. Okay, here's my story. I left my husband June of 2005 but we still got together every weekend to see if we could make our marriage work. We tried that until the beginning of last year and decided to divorce. In the beginning of June 2006 the divorce was final. At the end of June 2006 my dentist found a lump in my throat. After several tests including a biopsy, they decided that this mass although it tested benign had to come out. In July 2006 I had surgery to remove the right side of my thyroid. When they sent it to the pathology lab, it was tested and turned out to be malignant. I was told that I had cancer on August 1st, 2006 and thought my world just fell apart. I had follicular carcinoma that was 70-80% curable. In August 2006 I had a total thyroidectomy. In November of 2006 I was in the hospital for four days for Radioactive Iodine treatment. After this procedure I had a body scan that showed that I still had thyroid tissue in my body, which was not out of the ordinary. I will have another body scan in 6 months to see if it's all gone. Despite this I still feel like a cancer survivor because I feel good right now.

Okay, now here is why I think that something is wrong with me. In the beginning of July I was in Barnes and Noble looking at SQL server books and met this guy who's a computer programmer. We hit it off and have been inseparable ever since. He's 10 years younger than I am but we are very compatible. He was by my side for my whole ordeal and has been my saviour. I don't understand why he is with me and loves me so much. Good things aren't supposed to happen to me because they never have. I am just waiting for this to come crashing down on me and am so scared that he'll leave someday. I don't want to push him away and try to keep this to myself but it's killing me. I cry about it all the time. I know it partly has to do with all the emotions because of what I've been through but how can I just believe that he loves me and stop questioning it.

What is wrong with me??

 

[Tiziminchac]

What is wrong with me??

Nothing, your a woman.

 

[mellowmood]

Glad to see that you are better. However, I think that you may have some built up emotions that you need to go and talk to someone about. It has nothing to due with the fact that you are a woman.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Could be many things. Here is your condensed laundry list....

1) You don't love him, you like him very much but don't "love HIM".
2) You associate him with your cancer. If you get rid of him, you feel like you can escape the uncomfortable stuff that happened regarding your cancer.
3) You never were able to "get over" your divorce. You did not have a chance to "be free" because you had cancer. In the back of your mind you know if you did not have cancer you would have never started a "solid relationship".

I could go on.....The main thing is that you are stuck right now. Instead of doing what you want to do, you cry, which is postponing decisions.

However there is nothing wrong with grieving, crying, and taking your time!!!
Cut yourself a break women!!!! Dry those tears and just allow things to happen naturally.
He may leave you, you may leave him, you might stay together....whatever happens WILL work itself out.
Now here are some well deserved !

 

[Cool-Beans]

"Is it ignorance or apathy? Hey, I don't know and I don't care."
~Jimmy Buffett

...And math still sucks!

OP, I'm glad you are physically well. No advise for your love-life, just a . Have you thought about a support group? I know that works for some people. Good luck sorting it all out!

 

[miss missy]

Man you have been through some tough times! I am soo happy to hear all is well with your health!

I don't think anything is wrong with you. BUT you have to know you are worthy of being loved in the first place and for some reason you do not. You don't think you are lovable and that is the point where you get tied in in the thought of disbelief. No one is perfect, why do you think you have to be, or WHO made you think you had to be? We all screw up and we all have bad things happen to us. Why do you think you are any different than the rest of us? Just picking your thoughts.

I know there are days when things things are going so well, that I get scared something will take this "good" away. I think that is normal.

Please don't let yourself be one of those people who need a crisis to feel alive. I know people like that, its sad.

You need to take a good look at yourself and KNOW you are lovable, you are a good person and you are loved by a great man. Feel good about that! Don't doubt his love or you will push him away. Enjoy him and enjoy loving eachother!

Just my oppinions of course.

 

[poohandwendy]

What is wrong with me??

Your answer is in your own post:

Good things aren't supposed to happen to me because they never have. I am just waiting for this to come crashing down on me and am so scared that he'll leave someday.

You believe that bad things will happen to you and that you are not worthy. Why? Because some really bad things have happened to you.

But, what you are forgetting is that good things have happened too.

Got cancer- beating it
got divorce- found another really great guy

You need to remember that yes, bad things do happen. But good things do too. You ARE worthy. Just as worthy as any other person. You are also vulnerable, just like the rest of us.

You can either decide that your cup is half empty or you can savor every day that you are blessed with. Believe it or not, it is a choice.

I say, good for you...you have overcome things many people have never had to deal with. You have more strength than you realize. You are a strong woman. Use that strength to tell your vulnerable side to shut up because you are worth this happiness and you don't have time for her self-destructive negativity. Use that strength to find your cup half full each day!

 

[UrsulasMyHero]

You've been through some pretty tough stuff in the last two years. But to say that good things don't happen to you is incorrect. You caught the cancer, that's a good thing. You're feeling physically well. This is a good thing. It's time to start living in the present. Good things DO Happen to you, and will begin happening to you as long as you remember that you deserve them.
This person you're with. Perhaps he was sent to you to help you heal. Accept his friendship, and what ever else it becomes, and learn from it. Good things do come to you...

 

[UrsulasMyHero]

Your answer is in your own post:

You believe that bad things will happen to you and that you are not worthy. Why? Because some really bad things have happened to you.

But, what you are forgetting is that good things have happened too.

Got cancer- beating it
got divorce- found another really great guy

You need to remember that yes, bad things do happen. But good things do too. You ARE worthy. Just as worthy as any other person. You are also vunerable, just like the rest of us.

You can either decide that your cup is half empty or you can savor every day that you are blessed with. Believe it or not, it is a choice.

I say, good for you...you have overcome things many people have never had to deal with. You have more strength than you realize. You are a strong woman. Use that strength to tell your vulnerable side to shut up because you are worth this happiness and you don't have time for her self-destructive negativity. Use that strength to find your cup half full each day!

Hey you... get out of my brain!

 

[poohandwendy]

Hey you... get out of my brain!

LOL...move over, I am moving in and making myself comfortable....where's the remote?

 

[miss missy]

Yep BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE!!

Your not a bad person that good things do not happen to you.

 

[sha_lyn]

great advise so far. Also mention this to your MD. Your thyroid meds (I assume you are on a thyroid replacement). If you aren't on the meds yet because of the presence of thyriod tissue, ask the MD if there is anything they can give you until they can start the meds.

 

[Fan2CSkr]

Are you back on thyroid replacement? Have you had any recent thyroid panels? I would start there. Thyroid levels that are out of whack wreck havoc on our mental status and thats the least of it! It can take a long while to figure it all out. Are you seeing a good endocrionologist? I hope you start feeling better very soon!
I wanted to add that I had a TT a few weeks ago and after heading hypo saw exactly how it affected my thinking process.

 

[yourtravelpro]

Thank you everyone for you thoughts, advice and concerns. Yes, I am on Levoyxl and also Lexapro for depression. I was fine until I was hit with this. Never was on anti-depressants ever in my life. I do have a great endocronologist and go back to see him the end of January.

 

[RNMOM]

Aww honey, you have been through so much and SURVIVED!! Give yourself some credit. You are important to many people, just look at all of us who care enough to respond.

Take it from someone who has been through counseling, go. Try talking with a counselor for a while. Sometimes a group situation can be a great thing too if they recommend. I agree your hormones may be out of whack too. Your thyroid can really play havoc on a lot of your body systems and you have taxed your body in your journey getting well again. Speak with your doctor asap about how you have been feeling and get a good general checkup.

Share some of your feelings with your special guy and know that there are truely people out there who are capable of loving others even if they don't feel lovable, my husband of 28 years for one. He is a great guy and loves me to pieces. He is worth is weight in gold. Treat your guy like a special gift and value his friendship. Just try not to discuss it all the time and relax and enjoy each moment together for what it is, a moment. Things will work out for the two of you if it is meant to be, or not, just like the rest of us.

Remember, you are a strong, courageous, lovable woman.

 

[PrincessTiff]

I think any advice I could've given has already been covered. Welcome back! Here's a .

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

 

[Kitty 34]

Some great DISers have given some great advice so I give you tons of

 

[grinningghost]

You are so much like me.

I think you've been through so much drama, you've become very good at putting up walls to protect yourself.

This is one of those times when maybe you should grab a sledgehammer and start chipping away at that "anti-love" wall - at least a little off the top so you can see what's on the other side. It may be worth it.

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

Oh my goodness, you are so lucky in so many ways. Congrats on finding the cancer before it was something that couldn't be dealt with! And double congrats on finding a guy who stuck with you through it all!