What's wrong with getting married young?

[5lilfish]

I do see your point and a lot of it makes sense, but I am sorry I disagree with the notion you are somehow set up to handle a crisis or tragedy better because you lived on your own.

I once had someone suggest that my life was easier than hers and that she doubted I could handle her life. Same person suggested that she enjoyed taking solo vacations because it proved (to herself, i suppose) that she could handle things on her own. I have no bad feelings about these statements but I think they are nonsense. I am completely sure that I would do just fine on my own if I ever needed to be on my own. Just because I don't have to be fully independent doesn't mean that I am incapable. I also do not need to prove anything to myself (or others).

Jess

 

[SookieStackhouse]

I think it is a maturity issue... of course some young people are going to be more mature than some older people. However, most young people dont have the life experiences etc... I got married young (21), and I was divorced by the time I was 24. Had I been more mature, and not acted childish (we were both guilty of acting like immature brats) we would probably still be married.

 

[Crankyshank]

There is no hard and fast rule that applies to everyone here, which is why I really think it's important to remember that just because something worked for you doesn't mean you are the rule and not the exception. Or vice versa.

In my case, marrying young was not a good idea. I eloped on my 23rd birthday and my divorce will be official just 2 mos shy of our 14th anniversary. Fortunately, we don't have any children. We just grew apart. I am not the same person I was at 23 and what were comfortable differences just became too much over the years. We're different people with different interests, different backgrounds, differerent religions, and just over all different wants out of life.

 

[deegack]

I debated posting in this thread but figured what the hay. I admit to only reading the first 6 pages, but wanted to put my two cents in.

My parents married young - mom 21 dad 23 just graduated from college. They have been married for 40 years this year. So yes marrying young can work. However, they wanted us to graduate college and live a little (get an apartment, get a full time job etc) before getting married. I would love my daughter to do all that and travel a bit before getting married. Is there a specific age, no but I want to make sure she has enjoyed her single life as much as possible.

As for the fertility question. I married my husband at 31 after doing everything I wanted as a single person and falling in love. It took fertility treatments and time to get pregnant but we did. HOWEVER, it would not have made a difference if we tried having kids at 22 or 32 or 42. Dh has azzospermia (no sperm production). I am missing an ovary that literally blew up due to cysts when I was 13.

Yes fertility lowers when you get older, but the age that my RE, OB, and MFM all say is 35 not 30. And that just means it may take you 6 months to get pregnant instead of 3, not that you won't get pregnant.

And if you look around the waiting room at my fertility clinic, you will find the majority of the women appear to be in their 20s. People of options now that they did not have even when my mom was young. Instead of just keep trying the old fashioned way they can and do get help.

 

[PigletsPal2]

I'm one of the lucky ones for whom marrying young has worked out - I was 19 and DH was 21 BUT we have known each other since we were 3 and 5. In our case, our ages had nothing to do with meeting our life goals. We've enjoyed interesting, fulfilling careers, lived in ten different countries and traveled to about 30 more, exposed our children to different cultures and lifestyles, and kept each other interested and laughing for 45 years next month. We agree that marrying when we did was a good decision, but not necessarily the best for everyone.

Queen Colleen

 

[castleview]

Okay, does anyone else know plenty of women who had fertility issues in their 20s? Infertility happens and it's not always age related. I heard all this talk from friends and family who were worried about me because I was single at 24. Even when I did get married, they couldn't believe I waited until 29 to have a child. You could imagine the horror when I had two more kids in my thirties. No problems getting pregnant - total rabbit I was.

 

[bimshire]

Getting married early (18-22) can be very difficult for college going people vs. people who go to trade school for a short time and then take up a fulltime job. At that age, the only income I had was work study and limited summer earnings.
I could barely support myself so how would I have support a family?

Two of my kids in that same age range and currently in college can't even pay their own bills. Marriage now would be absolutely STUPID.

 

[Mrs. Sojourner]

Going away to college doesn't have to mean "Animal House." I didn't party in college a lot, and my friends there didn't, either. There was a crew of 8 of us, who living in the dorms together for 4 years (2 per room), and 20 years later, I still think of them as family, and we get together twice a year, with our families. There is a level of closeness that develops when you live with each other, a stronger friendship.

I know there are a lot of married couples who got married young, and are happy. However, yes, there are things that are missed out on. But if you never experienced them, you don't know what you missed, and that's fine.

*Or a divorcee when hubby wants a newer model or has a mid life crisis. But yes. it is. They really don't know anything different It's like the kid you take to Disney but never take to BBB or shopping. They don't know they are missing out, Disney is still great but for other kids THEY KNOW.

You can say the same thing about marrying young (or anything for that matter), those of you who didn't do it don't know what you missed out on. That really isn't good logic. And, that* can happen even if you don't marry young. Which is always sad.

I was 19 and my husband was 23. This July makes 28 years of marriage. Sometimes you just know.

Maybe during that time you spent on your own with your own thoughts becoming such a well rounded person --- you might have missed out on developing the skill to comprehend that somebody doesn't have to be exactly like you in order to be intelligent, happy, well rounded and complete.

Well said.

I'm one of the lucky ones for whom marrying young has worked out - I was 19 and DH was 21 BUT we have known each other since we were 3 and 5. In our case, our ages had nothing to do with meeting our life goals. We've enjoyed interesting, fulfilling careers, lived in ten different countries and traveled to about 30 more, exposed our children to different cultures and lifestyles, and kept each other interested and laughing for 45 years next month. We agree that marrying when we did was a good decision, but not necessarily the best for everyone.

Queen Colleen

The whole point of the thread for me. There is nothing wrong with getting married young it is just not for everyone. But, according to many others there is apparently something wrong with it and it's not something they would want for their children.

 

[Robinrs]

The whole point of the thread for me. There is nothing wrong with getting married young it is just not for everyone. But, according to many others there is apparently something wrong with it and it's not something they would want for their children.

I guess you can make a thread about how many people would eat mayonnaise with chocolate and get a few to agree with you and some who disagree. As long as YOU like it, FINE! To each his own.

 

[Mrs. Sojourner]

I guess you can make a thread about how many people would eat mayonnaise with chocolate and get a few to agree with you and some who disagree. As long as YOU like it, FINE! To each his own.

SO true! Especially on the DIS.

 

[MrsPete]

Yes, but if Mr/Ms Right isn't willing to wait for their partner to be on their own and finish college then have you really missed out on happiness or have you dodged a bullet?

I disagree with the idea that there's only one Mr/Ms Right out there for each of us. I think that for each of us there are multiple people with whom we could be happy.

Speaking only for myself, I'm sure that there were two guys other than my husband with whom I could've had a successful marriage. One of them I dated for a long time in college, but as graduation approached, he was nowhere near ready to marry -- really, I could've imagined him wanting to wait the better part of a decade before he was ready, and I just didn't want to wait that long. It was what ended us. And there was another guy -- best friend type -- who I feel sure could've become a romantic attachment IF that aforementioned fellow hadn't been there.

Ultimately, of course, I ended up with DH. He and I were BOTH compatible AND ready for marriage at the same time. We've been very happy together, and our lives have grown together. If I'd ended up with one of those other guys, my life would've turned out differently -- different areas, different family, etc., but I would've been happy.

And I don't say that with any insult to DH in the least. He's wonderful and has done more for me than any other human on earth. BUT if he had died young or if we'd never met, I don't think I'd be alone right now. I think there are other people with whom I could've built a life.

People should get married when they are ready to assume the responsibilities. Some are ready young and some are never ready. I don't think age is the determining factor. I've seen 30 and 40 year olds get married who weren't ready for that level of committment on the other hand I haven't seen many teens who are ready either.

Several people have made similar comments, and I know what you mean . . . when you say some people don't fit into what we see as age-appropriate maturity, you're talking about the people on the far edges. Few teens are ready for the lifetime commitment of marriage, and few 30-40 year olds are unready. The majority of us are in a happy middle, achieving adult maturity and decision-making skills in our 20s.

I can deny that... I think that is ridiculous reasoning, honestly. Are you unhappy that you waited to be married because you did not experience what it was like to be married at a younger age? What sense does that make?

Several of you are definitely being defensive over your choices and are choosing to take offense at other people's opinions.

However, in this case, the person who married late knows what it's like to be married -- whereas, the person who married young doesn't know what it's like to be completely independent and out on your own.

But that's a reality that has nothing to do with age at marriage. Only about 25% of American adults have a degree; people who marry young can finish college and many who marry later never do.

Sure a person who marries young CAN finish college, but having a home and a husband (or wife) to take care of is one more osbstacle that makes it a little more difficult to go to college. Marriage removes the option of living in a dorm, completely immersing yourself in your studies with no other cares in the world.

If one of my girls wanted to marry straight out of high school, I'd do my very best to convince her to knock out HALF her college education first -- and I'm completely ignoring the "is she ready, is he right" thing at this moment. I'd want her to have those years of completely dedicating herself to her education.

If she were determined to get married, if she had two years of her education done, I'd still question her to make her think about it . . . but I wouldn't be as concerned. If she had half the degree earned, that'd be the hardest part done, and she'd be likely -- even if it was tough -- to be able to soldier through the rest.

Obviously if one person wants to wait, then both parties are not ready. I am talking about when both the people are in love, and feel ready and willing to make this committment.

An excellent point. Whoever isn't ready controls the marriage date. Pushing the un-ready never works.

 

[punkin]

Pushing the un-ready never works.

Usually true, but my DH gave me an ultimatum and I caved in. We have been married for 20 years now.

 

[Colleen27]

. Sure a person who marries young CAN finish college, but having a home and a husband (or wife) to take care of is one more osbstacle that makes it a little more difficult to go to college. Marriage removes the option of living in a dorm, completely immersing yourself in your studies with no other cares in the world.

This whole line of thinking is based on a very middle/upper middle class notion of the college experience, though, and that is far from universal. Living in a dorm isn't an option to many for financial reasons, regardless of marriage. College is frequently living at home and commuting or getting a cheap apartment rather than a more expensive dorm and meal plan. Only about 60% of American high school grads go on to college at all, and many of those go to commuter, online, or community colleges because they can't afford (or don't want to take on large debt to get) that traditional university experience.

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

DW and I were married at 23 & 24, respectively. That isn't as young as many people, but it was considered "very young" in our circle of friends on the east coast. We were both college graduates, both with advanced degrees and both employed in stable and growing jobs when we were married, and were both "very mature". While we could have dated for many more years, I knew I loved her on our first date, and she claims to have felt the same (she is far superior to me, so I'm surprised by her equanimity) and so we were married about 2.5 years after our first date. We've been together 12 years, married nearly 10, and I love her more deeply every day.

Marrying young is not right for everybody, but for those who are ready to be in love for life, and understand what that means and are willing to work for it (and the work can be FUN), it seems silly to wait until an arbitrary age. As others have said, my wife and I HAVE lived our life together. We have traveled together, we have had at least weekly "dates" since our first child was born, and we are growing together. Is marrying young right for everybody? Definitely not. But neither is waiting until an arbitrary age to marry and missing out on the one you love!

 

[Colleen27]

However, yes, there are things that are missed out on. But if you never experienced them, you don't know what you missed, and that's fine.

Isn't that true of every choice in life, though? No matter what we choose we miss out on where the other option(s) would have taken us. That doesn't mean that what we missed was more valuable than what we got, though.

 

[Arielle22]

I think that for some people life experience can include dating others and just a chance to be on your own. There is something to be said for complete independence.

Personally, I find that children restrict what you can do much more than being married. At least that was true for us. We still did pretty much what we wanted to even after being married so we didn't have much in the way of restrictions. Dating aside of course.

I agree that children restrict you more than marriage. I was 2 days from my 20th birthday and DH was 22 when we married. At our wedding my BIL (DH's younger husband) told me I was now stuck with DH. DIL at 19 had 2 children already. I told BIL I could divorce DH and never see him again but he would have to be in contact with his baby's momma for at least 18 years.

We didn't have children until we were married 8 years, after we had bought our house. 25 years later we are still together.

6 of my siblings are married. All married in their early to mid twenties. All are still happily with their spouses with marriages from 11 to 27 years.

 

[MrsPete]

This whole line of thinking is based on a very middle/upper middle class notion of the college experience, though, and that is far from universal.

And it's what I tend to think of first, although I was raised in poverty. It's the stereotype of the college experience.

Also, thinking of my high school seniors, money doesn't seem to be the deciding factor in whether kids end up in dorms or not. For example, I'm thinking of one of my current students. She's very much on the financial edge; her father is in prison and she's a welfare /free lunch kid -- she's going away to college next year because 1) she's going to get big financial aid and 2) she's smart enough to have earned some scholarship money. She's the kid who's going to get out of her current poverty-stricken situation. And plenty of my kids who COULD afford to "go away" are choosing community college for various reasons.

Isn't that true of every choice in life, though? No matter what we choose we miss out on where the other option(s) would have taken us. That doesn't mean that what we missed was more valuable than what we got, though.

Definitely true. When you're 18 and just finishing high school, so many doors are open to you. You're free, independent, and can choose from so many paths. But as you grow older and make choices, you go through door number 1 instead of door number 3 . . . and often that means that door number 3 is no long available to you.

I agree that children restrict you more than marriage.

Definitely! Having a child shuts a whole bunch of the doors I mentioned one post ago. Doesn't mean children aren't wonderful or worthwhile, doesn't mean I wouldn't have mine if I could go back in time -- but choosing to have a child = making many decisions about the next 18 years of your life and smaller decisions about all the years you have after those 18.

 

[sm4987]

Nothings wrong with it if they are mature enough and are willing to press on no matter what challenges may arise.

I also got married at 19 and had my son at 21. This Saturday we are celebrating 17 years of marriage. Was this without many fights, nope!!! However, we wanted our marriage and fought through all the challenges and I'd do it again. (would be nice if I was wiser if I had to start all over though lol)

 

[phorsenuf]

Having a child shuts a whole bunch of the doors I mentioned one post ago. Doesn't mean children aren't wonderful or worthwhile, doesn't mean I wouldn't have mine if I could go back in time -- but choosing to have a child = making many decisions about the next 18 years of your life and smaller decisions about all the years you have after those 18.

I have 4 kids, all are grown and on their own. I am 47 and my husband is 50. We are now able to go off and do what we want, when we want and not worry about the kids (well we worry, but you know what I mean). We are in a better financial situation now to go off and have fun then we were as a younger couple just getting started in life. I suppose you can either have fun as a young adult or as an older adult when you are more established and have less responsibilities.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Nothings wrong with it if they are mature enough and are willing to press on no matter what challenges may arise.

I also got married at 19 and had my son at 21. This Saturday we are celebrating 17 years of marriage. Was this without many fights, nope!!! However, we wanted our marriage and fought through all the challenges and I'd do it again. (would be nice if I was wiser if I had to start all over though lol)

Lol, We were 29 and 32, and where maturity may be higher, stubborn and set in ways can cause just as many fights.