When Michael first died, I was having a heard time figuring out why it had hit me so hard. I had never met this man before, but I felt like I had lost a close family member. What I realized was that I was crying over the way he left. He left before he had a chance to show the world, what he had been working very hard on. He left with a bad name, a child molester. Though I know in MY heart that he would never ever harm a child, many people thought he did. He never got a chance to change their minds.
I will never ever get to meet the man who I have gone to bed with for the past 10 years. Who sang me sweet songs of love, hope, and the bright future ahead. I will never be able to tell him how much he and his music has meant to me, or that I listen to “You Are Not Alone” and pretend like he is alive, every night since his death.
I fill my nights with prayers for his children, and begging for God to give him back. Now I know He works in mysterious ways, but what was going on in His head when he took him? Couldn’t he see that it wasn’t over? That he has so much more to do? He still had an entire world left to inspire for crying out loud! Our world needed his kind words of happiness, and we needed him to bring us together in a time of need. So I just don’t understand why God felt he needed him more.
While I still struggle with the hole in my heart, I know that he is out of pain. I know that he isn’t being dogged by the paparazzi, and I know that he is moonwalking his heart out. He isn’t ill, and he isn’t being accused of anything other than being an angel, and that is bittersweet. I am happy that he is happy, yet sad because he was hardly happy while alive. Between the extensive touring, and the cruel cruel things the media made him suffer through, there were few moments for him to be happy.
His children, his family, and his friends were the ones lucky enough to receive his love and his smiles, and those moments where Michael would show his affection for his fans as well.
I wish I could have met him so much and hear him reply “I love you more,” even though I know it is impossible for him to love me more than I love him…