What's it like to be an only child?

[Nicolepa]

I was an only child and the worst part about it was the family at christmas would buy you board games. Please explain who am I to play these board games with? When I wanted to play them there was no one around to play them with me.

I never had a problem with this. I had an imaginary friend. Her name was Rosemary and Rosemary always wanted to play whatever game I wanted to play. I really miss Rosemary some days. She was great.

 

[jodifla]

I'm an only child. I preferred it that way. My parents didn't really have the emotional or financial resources for another child.

Just because you have a sibling, doesn't mean they are going to help you with aging parents, be your best friend and be a cause of joy in your life.


I have tons of friends who I see more than they see their siblings.

 

[CampbellScot]

I did a two year study on birth order and the subsequent personality traits in children...it's pretty amazing the way "most" kids will have the personality trait of the place in line they were born...I say "most" and not "all"...this is just my opinion and experience.

My husband is an only child. He never felt cheated or bothered by it. His mom always wanted to have more but says they "couldn't afford it". So on her end it's a regret, on my husband's it is not. He is your typical only child...Type A, driven, confident...a teensy bit bossy... He would say "ASSERTIVE"...either way it makes him a great leader. He could NEVER work for anyone...he needs people to work for HIM. He's a great boss though. He works extremely hard.

I am a middle child...overlooked and underappreciated... My mom always said that my oldest sister would have been a perfect only child. She pretty much hated having me around and it wasn't until she realized she could make me do stuff for her that she found a reason to like me. I waited on her hand and foot when I was little b/c she was my big sister and if she said to do something,I did it. I wanted so much for her to like me. Mostly she was mean. She beat me up a lot and did sadistic things b/c she was bigger. She's still like that. I love her, but dang I don't trust her. She STILL wants all of mom's attention and if she can't have it, oh boy TANTRUM time...she's 35.

My younger sister is the "typical" baby...indulged, prone to pouting and eyelash batting to get her way...I think we undercut her b/c we taught her that if she acted distressed someone would come and save her. At 24 she still does this and we STILL save her. I'm very close to my younger sister. She is my best friend.

Families are complicated. I moved 3000 miles from home to establish some boundary lines! I think without my sisters I wouldn't be who I am...I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. My family was really fond of..."She is the pretty one...and you are the smart one...and she is the mean one..." Please dont' do this to your kids...it tends to stick.

My husband has two kids. They are three years apart. If he and I have a child his children's "sibling relationship" will be so much different with the baby than they have with each other. Any child we have will be more like an only child than a third child b/c of the age differences.

I am so rambling here...but I though I'd share! This is a fascinating subject isn't it?

 

[suffolkprincess]

Families are complicated. I moved 3000 miles from home to establish some boundary lines! I think without my sisters I wouldn't be who I am...I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. My family was really fond of..."She is the pretty one...and you are the smart one...and she is the mean one..." Please dont' do this to your kids...it tends to stick.

I am so rambling here...but I though I'd share! This is a fascinating subject isn't it?

That is one of my pet peeves! We have family members who do that with the cousins (my DD and her cousins, there are several little girls very close in age.) I believe that there can be a real power in the "self fulfilling prophecy" for, basically, all bad-- because if you are "the smart one"-- well, that is a lot of pressure to live up to, isn't it? Who needs that? and if you are "the wild child"-- well. Let's not go there!

I was never close with my brothers at ALL growing up, but now... I work with one of them and see the youngest one very frequently (he is good friends with my DH.) And the birth order thing does come into play all the time in the workplace. It is interesting-- what a cool study you got to do!

 

[pcoleman]

I agree, only have more children if you want them and can take care of them. I have two brothers and cannot find the words for all the difficulties they cause in my life. I have DD age 5 and she will be an only child. Just because you have more children does not mean they will be close. Family is what you make it. I am closer to a few friends than I ever could be with my brothers. Any only children who feel "cheated" need to get over it. I am a therapist and have seen too many people have kids for the wrong reasons. If you had a wonderful loving home appreciate what so many people do not have.

 

[suffolkprincess]

Any only children who feel "cheated" need to get over it. I am a therapist and have seen too many people have kids for the wrong reasons. If you had a wonderful loving home appreciate what so many people do not have.

You might get flamed for all that plain talking.. but I liked it and have a question for you... how much do you think that people encourage others to have more because its what they did and it helps them justify their own decision? In other words, they had the second or third child because they thought they should and even though it didn't work out great in some ways they can't/won't admit it? And I totally understand that-- I can't imagine ever saying that you regretted having a child because children are lovely, innocent and bring joy. Its a real conundrum!

 

[disneyohana]

Sorry it took me so long to get a chance to read all these posts. Thank you all for responding. DD is only 2 yrs, I am 30, so I do have time to decide.
I loved hearing everyone's replies. It is nice to hear from only children. I have 2 sisters. I am the middle child. I wasn't the smart one or the cute baby. I always wanted my older sister to like me and be proud of me. I know I embarassed her a lot. I want to protect my little sister and I probably drive her crazy. My sister and I married our DH's around the same time, which was hard for her for awhile. She didn't see us much. I have to say that even though my sisters are my best friends, I wouldn't be as happy in my life right now w/out my other best friends, my DH and my DD.

 

[MommaPooh]

I never had a problem with this. I had an imaginary friend. Her name was Rosemary and Rosemary always wanted to play whatever game I wanted to play. I really miss Rosemary some days. She was great.

My imaginary friend was Tweety Bird. Tweety even had a place set at the table for every meal.

 

[glass slipper girl]

I'm an only and I am just fine with that. Always have been. I asked my parents not too long ago if I ever asked for a sibling and neither of them remember me ever mentioning it. I have oodles of cousins but didn't grow up near them so while I am close enough with them to know that if I ever needed anything, I could turn to them, I would never say they were "like siblings to me." My parents kept me active and around other kids a lot so I don't remember being lonely either. I remember loving being an only at Christmas. Every family has a family budget for Christmas. My best friends each had 2 siblings so that $ was split between 3 kids at their house but not at mine. I think my parents did a good job at keeping me from becoming totally rotten but I did have opportunities my friends didn't. I am closer to my parents than most of my friends with siblings are. The big negative was that kids with siblings tease each other so they learn to develop a thicker skin. I didn't have that so teasing hurt me to the core in middle school (I was always a head taller than everyone else so I was teased a lot at that age). I didn't "learn to fight" with a sibling. No biggie as an adult but as a middle schooler that was a skill I could have used. I still wouldn't trade it though.

I hate hearing people make it sound like being an only is some sort of curse. It's not. Especially not if you are involved with your child and provide them with lots of opportunities to interact with other kids. Having a sibling doesn't guarantee anything. They may be super close but they may resent each other a lot and never speak. I also think it's a lot of pressure for kid #2 to be born to be the companion to kid #1 if that makes sense. Have a 2nd or 3rd or more if you and your spouse feel your family isn't complete without them. Realize that lots of families out there ARE complete with one child and that is fine for you and for your child.

I jokingly thanked my mother for not having more after seeing what her siblings put each other through fighting over my grandparent's "estate" once they passed away.

 

[pjb0216]

[I jokingly thanked my mother for not having more after seeing what her siblings put each other through fighting over my grandparent's "estate" once they passed away. [/QUOTE]

That is too funny, when my husband's grandfather died and the siblings all started fighting, I thanked my parents for letting me be and "only" as well.

 

[Gillian]

I'm an only, but married to a guy with 3 sisters and a brother. We have 2 kids, boy 6 & girl 3.

Your family situation is what you make of it. I would have liked a brother or sister, but have friends who were thrilled not to have any.

Although most of my friends have 3 kids, DS seems to make friends with onlies very easily. I think it's wonderful, because their parents often are able to include DS in their activities, and are happy to have him visit.

The only thing is, it's difficult to reciprocate evenly! We don't want to take advantage, of course, but I can't always handle 3 kids. My DD is rather difficult. DS is pretty easy.

 

[digman6]

I think everyones experience will be so different for a variety or reasons.

I may as well been a only child my brother ( whom I have not spoke to in15yrs) is 12 years older then me so we never had a relationship to start.

I wish I had siblings close in my age . I grew up fine without them don't get me wrong.

I married into a family that is large my dh has 10 siblings! we have 4 kids so the large family we have was because I didn't like growing up basiclly alone and well he had a large family ;so it kinda continued. We are done with having 4 kids though .

My dd has 2 friends who are only children- 1 is a spoiled rotten brat, dd does not go to her house or hang with her much because of how she acts. She doesn't share , throws tantrums and has to hang on her mom every chance she gets. the mom and dad buy her EVERYTHING she wants. Not to be mean but the gilr is 8 and acts like she is 3 or 4 yrs old

The other girls is the opposite she shares, she is shy , plays sports and does things kids do with siblings . you would not guess only child if you saw her and her personality.

I would not have a large family if you can not afford it, kids are expensive . I think I like knowing they always have each other to turn to god forbid something happen to either one of us, and it helps them learn to get along with diffrent people. I have one dd 7 who is very sensitive and takes everything serious , and my son 10 is very strong minded we but heads alot him and I , my 4 y/o seems to be more of a practicle joker and smarty pants at this point . the baby well she is to young yet to know right now she is a . who knows what way she will go.

I think if you raise your kids to share and respect others and give consequences for bad behavior reward good behavior you should be fine with one child. Expose your kids to ther kids with sports, daycamps, clubs that helps a lot.

 

[suffolkprincess]

The only thing is, it's difficult to reciprocate evenly! We don't want to take advantage, of course, but I can't always handle 3 kids. My DD is rather difficult. DS is pretty easy.

I can't speak for every parent of an only, but I can say for myself that we do not expect "equal" reciprocation from our friends/ relatives who have bigger families. We LOVE having extra kids around (when invited and planned for) because it is important for our DD AND because we enjoy it-- its a novelty for all of us. Honestly, you can't reciprocate it anyway because what we are doing for our family by having your kids over is more than just a simple "kid swap"-- so don't worry!

I don't like to be taken advantage of though-- "oh, they won't mind having someone sleep over-- they just have the one "-- we have a little trouble with that in our immediate family. But that is actually an example of one of those less-than-ideal sibling things more than anything else.

 

[disneyohana]

I agree, only have more children if you want them and can take care of them. I have two brothers and cannot find the words for all the difficulties they cause in my life. I have DD age 5 and she will be an only child. Just because you have more children does not mean they will be close. Family is what you make it. I am closer to a few friends than I ever could be with my brothers. Any only children who feel "cheated" need to get over it. I am a therapist and have seen too many people have kids for the wrong reasons. If you had a wonderful loving home appreciate what so many people do not have.

Thanks. You made me feel better. We do what we can for DD w/out spoiling her. I am sure we "accidentally" spoil her in some ways, but we don't buy her whatever she wants and we make sure she shares. I take her to my sister's a lot where she plays w/her cousins, and in the summer there are always lots of kids outside there. I take her to the malls where they have playlands and a train and even when she is shy to play w/other kids usually one kid will get her to play and she has a blast. The only thing I would like to do better if I don't have another is to find a better neighborhood. There aren't a lot of kids around here and I know when I was growing up most of the time we were running around outside w/the kids on the block. My DD might get bored sometimes, but she is very happy playing w/me and my DH.

 

[disneyohana]

You might get flamed for all that plain talking.. but I liked it and have a question for you... how much do you think that people encourage others to have more because its what they did and it helps them justify their own decision? In other words, they had the second or third child because they thought they should and even though it didn't work out great in some ways they can't/won't admit it? And I totally understand that-- I can't imagine ever saying that you regretted having a child because children are lovely, innocent and bring joy. Its a real conundrum!

I think some people might try to encourage it because it is what they did, not necessarily that it didn't work out, but how could you wish you didn't have one of your kids. Even if it was difficult they wouldn't regret it. My sister's second son is autistic and she has a lot to handle because of that, not to mention that the boy's aren't as close as some siblings. Her son's are great though, so she wouldn't change having a second. So I guess once you've gone through having a second you would say you wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[disneyohana]

I'm an only, but married to a guy with 3 sisters and a brother. We have 2 kids, boy 6 & girl 3.

Your family situation is what you make of it. I would have liked a brother or sister, but have friends who were thrilled not to have any.

Although most of my friends have 3 kids, DS seems to make friends with onlies very easily. I think it's wonderful, because their parents often are able to include DS in their activities, and are happy to have him visit.

The only thing is, it's difficult to reciprocate evenly! We don't want to take advantage, of course, but I can't always handle 3 kids. My DD is rather difficult. DS is pretty easy.

I agree not to worry about reciprocating. If DD has a friend who is over all the time I will be so happy for her. Plus, I will know what she is doing all the time.

 

[jakenjess]

I'm an only child (I'm 44) and have two children. Growing up being an only didn't bother me much. I had cousins who lived close by that I spent a lot of time with and lots of friends. I think being an only is much more difficult as an adult than it was as a child. There's a huge responsibility of having aging parents and not having a sibling to share that with. Fortunately my parents are doing very well health wise, and hopefully will continue to, but it's definitely something that weighs on my mind.

My DH comes from a family of six children, so I have all the in-laws and neices and nephews on his side, but it's not the really the same. DH would have been perfectly happy to have just one child, but I wouldn't hear of it! I'm so glad we have two, and I remind my kids all the time how blessed they are to have each other. But having children is an extremely personal decision and one that only you and your DH can make for yourselves. Either way, I'm sure your DD will do just fine!

 

[hannahsmomma]

I did not read all the other post, and I am sure you have heard it all, but as the wife of an only child I had to add my 2cents. The bad thing is that we are the only ones here to care for his mother. It would be so nice if we had someone else to help us. Of course having a sibling does not mean they would help, but it would still be nice to know that someone else is going through everything that we are. Also, there is a lot in life that you can only learn from having a sibling, like compromise. I mean you can learn these things, but you just have a better understanding when it is something you have had to do all your life. DH whom I love with all my heart, has a hard time with sharing and compromising. Of course myself being the oldest, we butt heads because I can be a little bossy. You should pick up a copy of a book on birth order. There really interesting.

 

[wtpntigger2]

My dd4 is an only and will remain that way as I am making things permanent in the next few months. I have come to accept my limitations and that I would not be a good mother to more children. I just went back to work after being a SAHM for the last four years, and I am so happy.

I agree you shouldn't have more children just to give your only a sibling. There are no guarantees in life and it is quite possible (as it has been shown) that they won't get along. My brother and I are only 2.5 years apart, but rarely talk to each other and see each other only at family gatherings. It makes me sad to not have a better relationship with him, but he doesn't seem to mind.

Suffolkprincess really said it best in an earlier post.

 

[dizzienoodle]

I was an only child growing. I started day care at 3 months old and my mother cried everyday for two years when she dropped me off because she felt like she was abdoning her baby girl. Needless to say my parents did not have any more children. As a child I desperatley wanted a sibling, I would constantly asked for a baby brother or sister, either one, it didn't matter. Then my mother would tell the story and apologize, but say that I was special. I hated it. I tried to blame things on the dog... so Im sure you know how that that. Summer vacations were awful. I greatly envied my other friends with siblings.
As a teenager it was great. I got more clothes/presents/opppurtunities that some of my friends parents were just not able to afford. I was very close with my friends and I had lots of them. I was always allowed to have sleepovers and I was also allowed to bring a friend along on vacation.
Then my mom got sick my senior year of high school, and going into college. I was never really close with my dad, since he's alot older and we just never really developed a bond. My friends were all so busy with new chages in their lives, and while they would call or visit from time to time, I was utterly alone.
She got better and I went on with my life, had two kids of my own, and they found cancer again this past november. With no one else to take care of her, my dad is nearly 74 now, and needs lots of help himself, I moved home. I wished then more than ever that there was someone else to lean on through it all. She has been doing remarkable well lately, and having the grandkids around helps alot. But for awhile, I had a full time job at work as well as at home..
I guess I got a little off subject. IMHO, there are plusses and minuses in being an only. I think alot of the minuses come during times of hardship, and as you get older you come to the realization that once your parents are gone, that's it, its just you. At least for me anyway.
But I had a wonderful childhood all the same. I understand now why my mother was unable to have another child, and I respect her decision. But I think part of the reason I had two, and so close in age, was to ensure that they had someone to lean on, i.e. each other.
I know that there is no guarantee there, but it makes me feel safer knowing they will have each other. But again, thats just my opinion, and others may have very different experiences.