What's it like to be an only child?

[#1 Pocahontas]

I agree that you should only have another if you and your spouse want another. Don't guilt yourself into something, especially if your not financially ready for it.

I am technically not an only child but I pretty much lived like I was. Family all split apart and such. I see him more now than when we were kids, and we currently live in different states. Although, due to the way we grew up we are not close one bit. I can tell you that I have always, and still do, long for a sibling. I have always felt an emptiness, and I am very envious seeing the friendships between my friends and their siblings. I know it's something that I will never have and it makes me sad.

 

[MommaPooh]

I am an only and I have never wanted a sibling. I am also one of only two grandkids in the family as well. My only cousin is six years younger than me so we were never playmates. I liked being the only child for my extended family so much I wrote my aunt a letter before my cousin was born telling her to send that baby back when it got here because we did not need another kid in the family - I was enough.

I had a neighborhood full of kids to play with when I wanted and I could go home and get away from them all when I wanted as well. I had plenty of classmates that were always at my house or going on vacation with us if I wanted.

To this day I love being my parent's only baby. I would not change a thing no matter what.

 

[NY Disney fan]

My cousin is an only child and she is getting married in March to an only child! Go figure!

 

[MommyWithDreams]

MommywithDreams - I do understand. I am not divorced but I know that if I am not ready for another child that will bring stress into the home and that is not good either. I hear people complain that they wish they had a sister when they aren't only children. They have brothers. I guess it is like the saying 'The grass is always greener on the other side.' I feel for you having so much responsibility. I rely on my DH a lot. I am a big baby myself. BTW, your son is adorable.

THanks Disneyohana, it is a lot on my own but that in itself is what makes me work that much harder. My ex is still a somewhat active "playmate" in my sons life....but that's all he really is, he takes him two days a week to play, he does nothing to contribute in any other way. I have to say some very great posts are in this thread. I too agree that if you have another do it because you want another, not just to give a sibling. I have a sister that is 7 years older......we fought horribly growing up..now she's like my best friend.

 

[waltskids]

I am an only child and I loved it as a kid. I did have friends who lived nearby so I always had someone to play with. My DH has 5 siblings so our DS has many aunts, uncles and cousins. Our DS will also be an only child since we are not having anymore children. I think everyone's experience is different so you need to do what feels right for your family.

 

[waltskids]

I also wanted to add that my mom died when I was 17 and my dad passed away this past July. Even during those hard times I never wished I had a sibling. I have a wonderful extended family and with their support (and DH's with my dad), I was able to get through.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I was an only child for over 7 years. I remember wishing on ladybugs for a sister. I was so happy when I got one! (spoiled huh? ) Anyway- the age difference made it hard when we were younger (meaning school age). We are very close now but we have had our differences. I am still so happy that I have her. Now as far as having an only child- only you can decide what is right for you. I would not have any children just so my kids could have playmates. I would have them because I wanted them. That's why we are having #4!!! I just love having my arms full of babies! My kids are super close and they are also close in age. I hope they always remain close and I will do everything in my power to help that. I think you and your dh have to sit down and really decide why you want another child and go from there. Whatever decision you make will have to be the wight one for your family. Good luck!

 

[Camping Griswalds]

After we had first son, I always knew we'd have at least one more kid. I don't believe in only having one. Too much pressure on them, no one to manipulate, spit on, conive against parents with. When my mom was sick, first person I called was sister. Sue I'm not that close to my mom, sister is, but sister and I knew WE would be there to take care of mom. My DH is an only, never missed a sibling, never wanted one, now though when our boys wrestle, or play games, or even make fun of us as parents, he gets an odd look on his face at times. He says he had no idea what he was missing, good and bad, and it is a wonderful thing to have someone to worship, or someone to worship you. Our big dilemma is DD came 8 years after second son. The boys will remember her okay, but will not be a part of her growing up. She will be an only child by fourth grade as boys will be off to college. Really bothers me a lot. I don't think all of the cousins or friends in the world can compare to siblings. Siblings just understand things that no one else can. Even if their not particularly close, there is just too much pressure on an only for anniversary or funerals or big events like that.

 

[tink_lover]

It seems that what a previous poster wrote about the 50/50 split is about right for this board. Just adding my .02 Both DH and I come from families of 5 kids. Loved/hated it growing up but always knew my brothers were there for me. We so enjoyed watching dd as a baby, but always knew we would adopt more. I just kept thinking about how lonely her life would be once we were gone and didn't think it was fair to her. She has 2 brothers that she now has a love/hate relationship with Would love to adopt more. We love kids!

 

[we3disneygo]

I'm an only, dd13 is an only child, she has lot's of friends and is always busy, she babysits and is super with kids, she 's happy !!! it was just right for us !! we can go place's and do things we proably couldn't do with more kids !

 

[stargrazer]

I also wanted to add that my mom died when I was 17 and my dad passed away this past July. Even during those hard times I never wished I had a sibling. I have a wonderful extended family and with their support (and DH's with my dad), I was able to get through.

Going off topic here, but I wanted to send my thoughts along to you...I lost both my parents fairly young also (Mom at 11, Dad at 26) so I know it can be difficult. I'm glad you have good support around you and wanted you to know you're not alone.

 

[suffolkprincess]

If you decide to have another it should be because YOU and your DH feel that your family is incomplete and you yearn for another child. Period. Because quite honestly, a small child does NOT know what they need or what is best for them in any other area of life-- why should how they feel about wanting a sibling have anything to do with this? Its not their body that has to carry and bear the child. Its not them who has to get up in the middle of the night, breast feed, etc. It is YOU. And, if you are overwhelmed and feel out of balance, this will not get better with a second child-- it could get worse. Yeah, these things will pass, and your family will get new routines that work for you if you do have a second child. But bottom line for me is this: I feel like I can be a good mom right now. I am not sure that I could be a good mom to my DD and another baby. There are practical things that need to change before I think I could handle it (job, commute, affordability of infant daycare.) Fortunately, DH feels the same way. My need for another baby does not in any way outweigh my current feeling that things are running smoothly and we are happy. I want to enjoy every day we have together-- and we do. Maybe I am being too short sighted, but I know my personal limits rather well, and another baby wouldn't work well for me right now. I owe it to my child to be the best I can for her: THAT is MUCH more important than giving her a sibling. Study after study has confirmed the detrimental affects of mentally ill/ depressed parents on their children. NO study has ever confirmed that being an only has a similar detrimental affect.

Having said all that-- I acknowledge that there is a huge difference between the average craziness and stress of parenting and mental illness. I just want to throw out there the idea that we should listen to OUR hearts as the mothers and think more about what WE need in order to be our best rather than focusing on somebody else's ideas about the ideal family. If you are feeling doubts that you can handle it, maybe you should look at those doubts, see why you have them and focus instead on bringing balance to theose areas of your life. THEN reexamine the sibling issue. That is what we are doing, and we may end up getting our practical things straight (we are moving to get the commute issue under control and I am considering a career change for less stress.) A year from now you might well see me on this board super gung ho about a second child because making those changes resulted in us being ready to take on that big unknown and have that second child.

People will say "you can *never* be ready." I HATE that. Seriously, folks: you would rather take the decision to have a child less seriously than you would that to take a vacation, buy a house, change jobs, etc? All the really big and worthwhile things take some preparation. So, yeah, because you can't really know exactly how the pregnancy will go, or plan for the personality of the child you will have because those are uncontrollable unknowns factors, you can certainly strive to be prepared in the areas you *do* control!

 

[NY Disney fan]

Great post, Suffolkprincess. I really took it to heart (given my other thread on 2nd child).

 

[disneymom225]

I guess just in case I don't have another child I want reassurance that DD will have a happy life.

Can you ever have this? I know lots of siblings who don't get along or who do but that doesn't mean they have a happy life. We chose to have only 1 for many reasons but I don't think it's any of my business what your family size is. You need to look at your sitution and make the decision that is best for you. Would you be happy with another child? Of course! Is it the best decision for your family? Maybe not.
Good luck!

 

[Daytona99]

You have to do what is right for you. When people ask us if we plan to give our DS(7) a sibling, I tell them "nope, he's our one and only," because that's what's right for our family. He's well-adjusted and a very happy little guy.

 

[michellev]

DH and are are both onlys. Neither of us minded it so much when we were younger, but now that our parents are getting older it would be great to have siblings to help out. We went to FL (and Disney of course!) at Christmas and we felt so bad for leaving our parents on the holiday. I don't think it would have been so bad if there were other siblings around to help celebrate the holidays with them. When my dad died a few years ago, I would have loved to have a sibling to share my grief and help with all the organizational stuff (my parents are divorced). We don't know who to name as a guardian for our children if something should happen to us, it would be nice to keep them with family, but our parents are getting older. Since neither of us have siblings, our children will never have aunts, uncles or cousins.

 

[pjb0216]

I was an only growing up and I don't think I missed out on not having a sister or brother. I actually miss not having a brother or sister more now then when I was growing up. With my parents getting older it gets harder being the only one. Also, I have lots of friends that have siblings and I envy their closeness. On the flip side of that my DMIL was an only and thought it was just crazy that we wanted to have two (go figure)! My DH and I decided we wanted to have two close together (our two DS's 7 and 5) but I think that is a personal decision everyone must make for themselves and their families. Only you can know what is right for your family. Good luck on whatever you decide.

 

[PaulaSue]

DH and are are both onlys. Neither of us minded it so much when we were younger, but now that our parents are getting older it would be great to have siblings to help out. We went to FL (and Disney of course!) at Christmas and we felt so bad for leaving our parents on the holiday. I don't think it would have been so bad if there were other siblings around to help celebrate the holidays with them. When my dad died a few years ago, I would have loved to have a sibling to share my grief and help with all the organizational stuff (my parents are divorced). We don't know who to name as a guardian for our children if something should happen to us, it would be nice to keep them with family, but our parents are getting older. Since neither of us have siblings, our children will never have aunts, uncles or cousins.

We should find/make a support board for onlies married to onlies for all the issues that come up for us.

 

[bibbity bobbity boo]

If you decide to have another it should be because YOU and your DH feel that your family is incomplete and you yearn for another child. Period. Because quite honestly, a small child does NOT know what they need or what is best for them in any other area of life-- why should how they feel about wanting a sibling have anything to do with this? Its not their body that has to carry and bear the child. Its not them who has to get up in the middle of the night, breast feed, etc. It is YOU. And, if you are overwhelmed and feel out of balance, this will not get better with a second child-- it could get worse. Yeah, these things will pass, and your family will get new routines that work for you if you do have a second child. But bottom line for me is this: I feel like I can be a good mom right now. I am not sure that I could be a good mom to my DD and another baby. There are practical things that need to change before I think I could handle it (job, commute, affordability of infant daycare.) Fortunately, DH feels the same way. My need for another baby does not in any way outweigh my current feeling that things are running smoothly and we are happy. I want to enjoy every day we have together-- and we do. Maybe I am being too short sighted, but I know my personal limits rather well, and another baby wouldn't work well for me right now. I owe it to my child to be the best I can for her: THAT is MUCH more important than giving her a sibling. Study after study has confirmed the detrimental affects of mentally ill/ depressed parents on their children. NO study has ever confirmed that being an only has a similar detrimental affect.

Having said all that-- I acknowledge that there is a huge difference between the average craziness and stress of parenting and mental illness. I just want to throw out there the idea that we should listen to OUR hearts as the mothers and think more about what WE need in order to be our best rather than focusing on somebody else's ideas about the ideal family. If you are feeling doubts that you can handle it, maybe you should look at those doubts, see why you have them and focus instead on bringing balance to theose areas of your life. THEN reexamine the sibling issue. That is what we are doing, and we may end up getting our practical things straight (we are moving to get the commute issue under control and I am considering a career change for less stress.) A year from now you might well see me on this board super gung ho about a second child because making those changes resulted in us being ready to take on that big unknown and have that second child.

People will say "you can *never* be ready." I HATE that. Seriously, folks: you would rather take the decision to have a child less seriously than you would that to take a vacation, buy a house, change jobs, etc? All the really big and worthwhile things take some preparation. So, yeah, because you can't really know exactly how the pregnancy will go, or plan for the personality of the child you will have because those are uncontrollable unknowns factors, you can certainly strive to be prepared in the areas you *do* control!

I have never had someone articulate that SO WELL. That is exactly how I feel too! I am an only child. I am fine with it. Our DD, almost 4 years old will be an only child. I think she is the greatest thing EVER. I also know my personal limits though -- financially, emotionally -- one is wonderful.

 

[sremom]

I am a only child. It never bothered me much until my parents passed. Then I felt very alone. Luckily I have a great extended family. I have 2 boys I am glad they have each other. But my childhood home was much quieter!!