What?!

[Boxley]

I went to my brother's graduation party last night. It was ok, we were having a good time. This ended for me though. My mother has an old friend who we havn't seen in years, the last time I saw her I was only a child. I was sitting by myself, resting my feet really and she approached me. She began giving me a drunken lecture about how I need independence and I should think about my future and even brought up my weight! I found out that my mother was telling this person all of my faults. Of course, I was stunned and angry, not at the old friend who was drunk but at my mother. I don't like the fact that she told someone who I havn't seen in years, someone who I didn't recognize and would almost consider a stranger, all of my faults.

I have not lived with my mother since I was a teenger, I moved out pretty young and I have never asked her for a thing after that. I married, got my A.A. but was laid off and I am looking for a secure job before going back to university. My husband is the primary money-maker but I contribute too! At the moment I do not have a car, so of course my husband drives me to work until the car is out of shop. My mother thinks I should take a loan to get the car, but right now money is really tight. As much as I hate having to have my husband drive to the places I can't walk to, I know I am getting a car soon. As for my weight, I know I have got chubby and I am working out and eating right, but I hate when people bring it up.


So I am angry and hurt. I don't like being berated by a practical stranger and I am thinking, if my mother told this woman all of this, who else does she tell about me? Do I have a right to be angry? I know my mom is concerned about me, but then again I am humilated about the situation. This is a confused vent. I don't know if I should confront my mom or just to let it go. I am pretty hurt right now.

 

[Robinrs]

Your mother vented just like you are doing now. It sounds to me like she has typical Mom concern. It's the friend who was out of line and should've minded her business. She should've known what she was saying would upset you.

Regardless, we have thousands of times a day that we can choose to be offended... or NOT. We immediately turn back into children when it comes to Mom's opinions of us. You have your own life now and you're handling it the best you know how for the moment. No need to apologize for that. Moms will always have a concern about their children, young or grown, you'll do the same if and when you are a parent of an adult, too.

Also, sometimes the truth HURTS. None of us want to hear it but it sounds like it just may be a wake up call. Take it as an insult or an encouragement... that's up to you.

 

[Amelia Peabody]

While she is your mom, women do share their lives with their friends. Mine know all about my family and they've never met. It's unfortunate that the friend chose to break the unspoken rule of confidence. Also quite rude. If you really must say something to your mom, wait until you can think more clearly. Then tell her you ran into her friend, who was quite intoxicated and was repeating all sorts of things. You don't have to be specific or confrontational. Then change the subject.

Remember, you are not hearing your mom's direct comments. You are hearing the friend's interpretation of them. There could be a big difference. But you know your mom best.

I'm sure it was very hurtful to hear those things. Try to let go of it. It sounds like you are a responsible adult with your own life. Mom's do have a problem seeing their grown children as adults. You will always be her "child" even when you are my age of fifty plus.

 

[squirrlygirl]

At this point your beef needs to be with the friend. You can't expect your mom to never share her concerns; that's what a friend is for! Your mom confided in someone that doesn't interact with you; that was a good choice. The friend was the one out of line.

BUT, I would tell mom what the friend did. If mom chooses to continue to confide in blabbing friend, then THAT might be an issue.

 

[elizke]

I don't think there would be anything wrong with talking with your mother about it and telling her how you feel. As long as you are ready to speak to her calmly, you need to discuss this with her or it will fester. You want a parent to be proud of you, and it hurts when they're not.

Yes, the friend was a big mouth. But we do have to watch who we vent to, and we should always be prepared to own up to what we say.

There could be an explanation for her exaggerations of your current situation. One possibility is ...I sometimes overstate my own problems to friends who have problems of their own. For example, if I have a friend who is single and unhappy about it, I might talk about a problem that makes me miserable with married life.

This is just one example of reasons we might exaggerate a problem. We also do it when we might need attention or a little sympathy. Sometimes we make things up if we don't have a good real reason to get it. : )

 

[minkydog]

Patti? Laura?? Is that you?

My mother and your mother must be the same person. I guess I'm the only one on the DIS who thinks that your mother is out of line sharing your personal stuff. Whatever happened to bragging about your kids? What purpose does it serve to share negative things about our kids with our friends? I would never think of airing my kids' dirty laundry with my friends, and probably not my family either. What if it got back to them? It would be so hurtful.

I think it's perfectly okay to confront your mother, in love not anger, with how hurt you are. Your weight, employment status, marital health, children, are not topics of conversation.

My mother does the same thing, only she does it to my face and it's very hurtful. I believe she sees it as her duty as a mother to keep me in line. And it's not just me. She critisizes my 4 siblings. We are all in our 40s-50s. We are all successful in our fields but we will never, NEVER measure up to her impossible standards--perfection. Mother measures her own worth by how "worthy" her children are.

OP, it's perfectly acceptable to confront your mother in love, not anger, with your disappointment. She may not even be aware of how her comments have hurt you. Of course, she may not even listen to your complaint, let alone take ownership. Some people, like your mother and mine, are completely clueless and insensistive. They don't see anything wrong with how they act and seldome change.

But if you get it off your chest YOU will feel better and then you can decide how you want to protect yourself. For me that means not sharing things with my mom. We have a superficial relationship, which I don't like, but it's the only way for me to get some safety in our relationship. My mother will never be what I wish her to be, so I've had to construct a relationship that I can live with.

Good luck. I empathize with you greatly.

 

[powellrj]

I just got back from a yard sale and heard from a woman I hadn't seen in over 10 years about her DD in a juvenile facility. Women need someone to unload on and your mom picked the wrong person.

I would tell my mom what happened and then if she still decides to tell this women things you have a problem.

 

[Jennasis]

Moms talk. I have learned that if there is stuff I do not want the world at large to know about, I cannot tell my Mom. She literally cannot help herself.

The drunk friend was beyond out of line and had it been me there getting the drunk smack down, I would have told her off and walked away. Then I would have recounted the woman's unacceptable behavior to my mom with a "how in the world would that raving loon even know that stuff?" Just to give mom a twinge of guilt over it.

But that's just me...

 

[kirbsam]

i would just forget about it, and go on with my life.

 

[Maleficent13]

I'm thinking I might be in the minority, but I am with the OP. My mother would cut her tongue out before saying anything truly derogatory about her kids to anyone except maybe my dad. I feel the same way. For exactly this reason; how devastating it would be to find out your mom said such hurtful things about you. And, I imagine, how devastated this mom is going to be when she realizes it was repeated to her daughter.

This just has the tone of gossip to me and I understand the OPs hurt.

 

[Disney Ella]

I would be annoyed and hurt that my mother was telling personal things about me to other people. If I were you, I would tell her as little as possible about the details of your life in the future. I would only confront her about the situation if I actually thought it would do some good. If I knew she was going to blow away my concerns, I wouldn't even bother upsetting myself more. I don't get the independence comment - it certainly sounds like you are independent to me, you are just temporarily without a car.

 

[cheerful chickadee]

Both your mom and "friend" were in the wrong, the friend more so for airing out all the things your mom told her most likely in confidence. I'd also be telling my mother that you'll now be more careful about what you share with her. The weight comment...totally out of line no matter what anyone says! Rude, rude, rude.

 

[mjkacmom]

I vent about my mom all of the time, so I expect she vents about me (and I know she vents about me to my sister, because we compare notes! ) We have a close relationship, and the closer you are to someone, the more you vent (don't even get my started on my DH!). This woman was rude.

 

[Wishing on a star]

THE MOTHER HAS BEEN WAY OUT OF LINE!!!!

The OP states that she has lived independently of her mother since she was still a teenager... She has some education... She has had a job, but SURPRIZE in this economy.. she was layed off. She is married. Etc.. Etc.. Etc... (she is not some loser in a correctional facility, she is not starving. living on the streets, off strangers or aide. What the heck is any concern?????)

OP, I fully understand your feelings.
NOBODY, least of all your parent, should be 'puttin you down' like that!!!!!!

Sharing a few comments about ones family is normal...
This kind of negative berating and 'tearing down' is NOT acceptable.

PERSONALLY, I WOULD WONDERING ABOUT WHAT MY MOTHER'S ISSUES AND MOTIVATIONS ARE FOR HER ACTIONS.
WHY IS SHE FINDING IT NECESSARY TO TEAR DOWN AND TALK NEGATIVE ABOUT HER OWN DAUGHTER TO SUCH AN EXTENT???
SOUNDS LIKE SOME ISSUES ON HER PART ?????

OP, try not to take too awfully personally for now. From what you have posted, this is way more about some issues with your mother than it is any true concern for you.

 

[themilesfamily]

I'm going to put my vote down as "mom was wrong to gossip about her daughter."

My mother, too, is a MAJOR gossip. You tell her something "juicy" and it's all over the city by the end of the day. Example: My DH and I went through some very serious marital problems at one point -- I turned to my mom for support and shared with her what was going on. Within a week I had random people coming up to me saying they were sad to hear I was getting a divorce -- they'd heard if from Sally Sue, who heard it from Barb, who heard it from my mother, etc. -- we did NOT divorce BTW. My mother said that she only "confided" my personal business to one or two close friends -- and it escalated from there. I told my mother, she told one or two close friends, they told their friends and so on and so forth.

I understand people's need to gossip -- but MOMS and DADS, don't gossip or vent about your kids to anyone. They should feel like they are able to turn to you with complete confidence and confidentiality. This and similar incidents really took a toll on my relationship with my mother -- I love her, I've forgiven her, but I've had to realize she's someone I can't turn to with problems -- and that's sad!

 

[Justanopinion]

As a mother I have shared things about my kids with my best friend and my own mom.

I am sure my mom has shared things about me with her best friend.

The problem is that the friend in a drunken state repeated these things.

I would calmly talk to your mother and explain to her that if her friend can't keep her mouth shut especially when she's drunk maybe mom needs to pick another friend to vent on.

 

[N&B'smom]

I would calmly talk to your mother and explain to her that if her friend can't keep her mouth shut especially when she's drunk maybe mom needs to pick another friend to vent on.

 

[S. C.]

Could it have been the friend was asking your mother questions about you? Is your daughter married, did she go to college, does she have a job, etc etc? Your mother may have said my daughter is laid off from her job, she plans on going back to school but first needs to get a job to get a 2nd car since money is tight right now. The drunken friend could of taken things differently then it was said. (She was drunk) Maybe her own kid is lazy and won't work so she assumes everyones is!

There is no shame in losing a job in this economy. It is happening to lots of people and businesses are closing there doors.

Talk to your mother about it. Don't let it grind at you when it very well could of been nothing at all.

I wish you the best in your future.

 

[minkydog]

I vent about my mom all of the time, so I expect she vents about me (and I know she vents about me to my sister, because we compare notes! ) We have a close relationship, and the closer you are to someone, the more you vent (don't even get my started on my DH!). This woman was rude.

Sure, I vent about my mom--to my therapist. I don't go out telling other people about how she acts, other than 2 of my sisters who get the backhand treatment that I do (I have 4 sibs--2 of them are not very sensitive and would be quick to go back to mom with all the details.)

I know that people have a tendency to want to gossip, but gossip is a sin. I refuse to engage in it. Gossip never helped any situation and causes grievous harm to others. Why would anyone choose to say bad things about another person, *especially* their own kids or husband? Nothing good comes of gossip.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't see that the mother is apologizing to the OP because her friend got drunk and went on a rant....

I believe that the mother has issues regarding putting down her own daughter, and she just got caught.

If ANYONE ever showed one tiny fraction of the attitude to my son that this 'friend' showed the OP..... that person would, immediately, no longer be a friend.