What would you do?

[LvsTnk]

DD(16)'s boyfriend(18) is leaving for college(20 hrs. away) tomorrow and showed up here today with a ring.

They have been bf/gf for 9 months, and have decided to stay together. The ring has a small green stone and is very sweet but she is wearing it on her left hand.

I like the boy, he is great with her and I know this break is very hard for them because they tried so hard to just keep it from turning into a serious relationship. But I really want DD to enjoy the next 2 years of HS. I don't want her to regret not going to the dances and such as she has already said she won't go. I have had the conversation about this with her when she has been upset a couple of times this summer. The likelyhood of him staying faithful or even interested in a HS junior are slim to none.

Sooo do I have a short conversation with him about the ring situation, stay out of it, support them, or what???

His mother does not like DD or her son having a gf....so I know he gets grief from her.


Any and ALL advice appreciated!!! Thanks

 

[Blondy876]

I don't have a teenager yet, but I was in this situation not too many moons ago. I would say your best bet is to let it run its course. If you encourage you dd to end it with him she is likely to push back. I think the best thing you can do is be prepared to help her pick up the pieces when/if it ends. It sounds like both kids have good heads on their shoulders, and who knows maybe its meant to be. Good luck!

 

[tlgoblue]

I would stand by her and get ready for her if her heart gets broken. Encourage her to enjoy her remaining high school years, but be flexible if she is just not interested in things for a while. Of course you know these types of relationships rarely last, but I would not try to get her to understand that prior to her experiencing it. She will only see you as the problem. Let her keep the ring. Let them talk on the phone. Let him visit her when he can. Ask about him, show an interest. But be ready when she needs to have a good cry. Who knows? Maybe she'll get through this unscathed. It could work out for them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sooo do I have a short conversation with him about the ring situation, stay out of it, support them, or what???
Any and ALL advice appreciated!!! Thanks

Do you have a short conversation with him????
Basic answer, NO... It is not your place to have a 'conversation' with your
DD's boyfriend... (unless it is a bad situation, and you are seriously 'protecting' your DD. Which does not seem to be the case here.)

You should neither 'support' them, or 'oppose' them. Either of these behaviors could easily backfire.

You simply cannot control your DD's feelings. Any attempt to try would be inappropriate.

Your job is to be your DD's mother. Remain neutral and 'OPEN' and understanding to her feelings. If she does start to have a really hard time with this situation, then she will be more likely to come to you for support and advice.

Until then............

Ahhhhhh, first love!!!!

 

[kirbsam]

i think we all know how this is going to end up. be supportive right now, you are going to be needed before too long. i hope she enjoys her last couple of years of hs. i remember girls in hs who had college boy friends, and it not only never worked out, but they missed a lot of fun activities.

 

[lulugirl]

I agree w/ Blondy, I would let it run it's course. He'll be 20 hrs. away, it just may fizzle out on it's own.
I would not have a "conversation" w/ the bf.

 

[luvmydogs]

I agree with all of the above.

{{{HUGS}}} to your dd. Sixteen is a tender age.

 

[Mermaid02]

I agree with all of the above.

{{{HUGS}}} to your dd. Sixteen is a tender age.

Me too- be there when she needs you.... I doubt it will be too long.

 

[Minnesota!]

Let it be. If they are meant to be together - they will be. If they weren't then there will be tears but each will move on. My DH I went through the same thing. I was only 3 horus away - but here I am 12 years later (we started dating when I was 15) and we will be hitting our 5 year wedding anni next month. You just never know..

 

[Beth76]

Stay out of it. It your daughter's life, let her live it. I have made many mistakes in my past and you know what? The only ones I regret are the ones MY MOM made for me. Because the mistakes I made, were MY mistakes. Believe lessons learned are much more pallatable when your learning them for yourself, not when others are forcing the issue. I'm not saying that you are trying to force anything on your daughter, but chances are she'll see it that way.

If she comes to you asking for advice, by all means, give it. But, until then, stay out of it and give her a little credit.

 

[bsnyder]

I think all you can do is point to the downside of the relationship, and what she is potentially giving up of her last two years in high school.

And in my experience (watching my sons and their friends, all of whom are in college now) it's just as likely that she'll grow tired of the relationship as it is that he will. I know several situations among my sons' friends where the high school girl dumped the college guy, after feeling like they were missing out on all the high school fun.

Try not to worry too much, mom (I know, easier said than done). And sometimes, even when it seems like they are not listening, and disagree with your views, they may very well use those same views to back up their position later on. I gave my son some unsolicited advice at the beginning of the summer, about his long time on-again/off-again girlfriend. He didn't appear to agree with me, or take what I said seriously, but then recently he took some action that was totally in line with what I had advocated.

 

[Rajah]

I would stay supportive of her, remain neutral on the boyfriend, and when dances and events come, remind her she can go stag if she wants to experience them or even invite him to come down.

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the others who've posted -- just stay out of it.

If I were you, I would encourage your DD to go to dances and other social occasions with her friends. There's no reason for DD to sit at home just because she doesn't want to go on a "date".

When I was in high school, I often went to school social occasions with different groups of friends. One group of us girls went to Senior Prom as one big stag group -- went to one friend's house for pot-luck dinner before the dance and then went to another friend's house for "make your own sundae's" afterwards.

Let your daughter know that being faithful to her BF doesn't mean that she can't have any fun.

 

[disykat]

While I agree that you don't want to be TOO involved in this - I differ from the others in that I think you can set some guidelines as a parent and ask them to follow them. If it were my child, I'd tell him that I like the girl (I have boys) and will support their relationship but ask that they not be "officially" anything while they are still my dependent. If they love each other, they will wait for each other without anything being "set in stone" so to speak.

Obviously I wouldn't have a whole lot of control over which hand she wears the ring on, but I would try to find a kind and supportive way to voice my opinion that engagements can wait until they are older. I don't believe my kids will always follow my wishes in these matters, but it won't stop me from voicing them. That's my job as a parent. I think there's a difference between that and not letting your kids make their own decisions.

 

[LvsTnk]

OK great advice so far....but who wouldn't be freaked out by a ring on the left hand of their 16yo DD. I met DH when I was 16 so I have to double check myself and make sure I don't sway too far in the OHHH it will work out dept.

I have an 18yo DS who is leaving for college as well, we all BF included talk about how horrible he is to girls so DD knows how it works. I tell DS what a bad example for his sister he is and he just shrugs it off saying these girls know how I am and actually it's a good lesson for my sister. I really pull my hair out over him.

I hope DH doesn't loose it!! when he sees the ring.....what a day

bsnyder, can you elaborate??

 

[Micca]

One or both of them will break it off by the end of the year. Goodl luck getting your DD through all of this.

 

[Microcell]

I am shipping my DD off before all this happens- I will take bids now as I think it is important for her to be with Disney trip minded people. Please return her when she is 22!

I dated a boy during the summer before my Senior year and he said he wanted to keep dating me, and he would be two hours away. He then back pedaled (he was the VERY HONEST type, too honest) and said he wanted to keep his options open. I asked him to homecoming for my school (I was on Homecoming court and kind of needed a date) and he said he had a religious retreat. I was offened and went to homecoming with another boy!

We are not together, though I thought he was the boy for me and we saw each other every other weekend that two months after school started! 20 hours, they may not make it as long as I did! Painful as it is, this is a lesson she needs to learn for herself.

Remember that if you try to keep them apart, it will only cause strife with you, and if you enthusiastically support, she may think you think it is okay to miss out on all the fun things.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A BIG "OUCH" coming her way. 20 hours away is sure to end rather quickly. If it doesn't then regroup your thoughts and handle it as it comes.
My guess is that they will end the relationship.

 

[golfgal]

I would be surprised if it lasted until Christmas, but then again, if it lasts through her last 3 years of high school, her 4 years of college, then it is probably a good relationship, so either way, it will work itself out, but I wouldn't be too willing to drive her up to see him, ever.