What Would You Do? Your MIL is buying you a plane ticket...

[Rora]

Your MIL to be is buying you a plane ticket to come visit her and her family in December. She lives on the other side of the country and this is rather last minute- you have a lot going on in December (parties, exams for certification, you want to see your own family, etc).. are you allowed to specifiy the dates you want to come out or since she is buying the ticket does she get to choose the dates regardless of your schedule?

Just curious. No flames please- I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE TICKET. Just wanted to clear that up, just in case I'm accused.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Your MIL to be is buying you a plane ticket to come visit her and her family in December. She lives on the other side of the country and this is rather last minute- you have a lot going on in December (parties, exams for certification, you want to see your own family, etc).. are you allowed to specifiy the dates you want to come out or since she is buying the ticket does she get to choose the dates regardless of your schedule?

Just curious. No flames please- I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE TICKET. Just wanted to clear that up, just in case I'm accused.

No -- it needs to work with your schedule, and I'm sure she'd understand you have some previous commitments. Find out how long she'd like you to stay and work around that. My parents have done that for us a couple of times -- they always have me make the reservations myself and then reimburse me, or give me their credit card number up front.

Best wishes. It's really nice that she's doing that for you.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes I would be able to specify what dates I was able to come, if I wasn't able to then I would be declining the ticket.

 

[punkin]

I just bought my nephew a ticket cross country to fly out and be with us. I asked about his schedule and accommodated that. On the other hand, he did give me a (narrow) range of dates so that I could shop around for better prices. In the end I bought more expensive tickets so he wouldn't have to change planes and could spend more time with us.

 

[BelleWDW]

If the ticket hasnt been bought yet-its got to be VERY EXPENSIVE!!!

 

[portocall]

My MIL has bought us plane tickets in the past. Being a family of 5, airfare is more than we can afford without saving up and she wanted us to come visit on fairly short notice. We shopped around and picked what would work for all involved.

 

[Rora]

If the ticket hasnt been bought yet-its got to be VERY EXPENSIVE!!!

Tell me about it.. She's been talking about this since Summer- I told her I'd come and I'm supposedly leaving on Saturday..

See, all of these responses make sense to me.. but apparently, in my MIL's book, they're incorrect. She is claiming that since she is buying the ticket SHE gets to pick the dates and I'm not allowed to pick and choose since she's offering me this gesture. To be honest, I think it's great she's willing to do this but I'm frustrated it's SO last minute and as of now she has my return date for Christmas night getting in at like 10 claiming that my "family doesn't do anything for Christmas anyways".. which is completely untrue (her son, my DFi, is spending Christmas with them this year because she wants him to).

I'm at a loss for what to do. I want to go visit because I want to see my DFi!! He's leaving today and I won't see him until like early January if I don't go. But again, the timing is poor.

 

[NikitaZee]

Yes I would be able to specify what dates I was able to come, if I wasn't able to then I would be declining the ticket.

This is exactly what I would do as well.

 

[Allison]

She gets to pick the dates? That doesn't even make sense. What if you had another commitment and had to decline the ticket she bought because you couldn't be gone on those days?

 

[luvmy3]

Tell me about it.. She's been talking about this since Summer- I told her I'd come and I'm supposedly leaving on Saturday..

See, all of these responses make sense to me.. but apparently, in my MIL's book, they're incorrect. She is claiming that since she is buying the ticket SHE gets to pick the dates and I'm not allowed to pick and choose since she's offering me this gesture. To be honest, I think it's great she's willing to do this but I'm frustrated it's SO last minute and as of now she has my return date for Christmas night getting in at like 10 claiming that my "family doesn't do anything for Christmas anyways".. which is completely untrue (her son, my DFi, is spending Christmas with them this year because she wants him to).

I'm at a loss for what to do. I want to go visit because I want to see my DFi!! He's leaving today and I won't see him until like early January if I don't go. But again, the timing is poor.

I hope this all works out for you, but after reading this post I feel for you. If I were you, I would be setting up some rules about how much control your future MIL has over your life, BEFORE your wedding.
Good Luck

 

[lovesmurfs]

Tell me about it.. She's been talking about this since Summer- I told her I'd come and I'm supposedly leaving on Saturday..

See, all of these responses make sense to me.. but apparently, in my MIL's book, they're incorrect. She is claiming that since she is buying the ticket SHE gets to pick the dates and I'm not allowed to pick and choose since she's offering me this gesture. To be honest, I think it's great she's willing to do this but I'm frustrated it's SO last minute and as of now she has my return date for Christmas night getting in at like 10 claiming that my "family doesn't do anything for Christmas anyways".. which is completely untrue (her son, my DFi, is spending Christmas with them this year because she wants him to).

I'm at a loss for what to do. I want to go visit because I want to see my DFi!! He's leaving today and I won't see him until like early January if I don't go. But again, the timing is poor.

Given this additional information, I would, as previous posters have said, indicate that you've looked at your schedule and, as much as you'd love to work it out, it just doesn't.

That said, Christmas doesn't have to be the "be all" and "end all" of travel. My parents wanted us to come home for Christmas this year as well. Because we're going to Disney, I just couldn't see the madness of trying to travel to NJ after FL.

So we decided on a long weekend to NJ in February. We'll be able to spend more quality time together as a family (it's over my grandmother's birthday), without all of the holiday distractions.

Maybe a similar approach will work for you? Good luck, and ho, ho, ho. She sounds like a pill, your MIL.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Tell me about it.. She's been talking about this since Summer- I told her I'd come and I'm supposedly leaving on Saturday..

See, all of these responses make sense to me.. but apparently, in my MIL's book, they're incorrect. She is claiming that since she is buying the ticket SHE gets to pick the dates and I'm not allowed to pick and choose since she's offering me this gesture. To be honest, I think it's great she's willing to do this but I'm frustrated it's SO last minute and as of now she has my return date for Christmas night getting in at like 10 claiming that my "family doesn't do anything for Christmas anyways".. which is completely untrue (her son, my DFi, is spending Christmas with them this year because she wants him to).

I'm at a loss for what to do. I want to go visit because I want to see my DFi!! He's leaving today and I won't see him until like early January if I don't go. But again, the timing is poor.

Buy your own ticket or decline the offer. If you cannot afford the ticket then I suppose you won't see your DFi until Jan.

Your future MIL is acting like a bully.

 

[allison443]

Tell me about it.. She's been talking about this since Summer- I told her I'd come and I'm supposedly leaving on Saturday..

See, all of these responses make sense to me.. but apparently, in my MIL's book, they're incorrect. She is claiming that since she is buying the ticket SHE gets to pick the dates and I'm not allowed to pick and choose since she's offering me this gesture. To be honest, I think it's great she's willing to do this but I'm frustrated it's SO last minute and as of now she has my return date for Christmas night getting in at like 10 claiming that my "family doesn't do anything for Christmas anyways".. which is completely untrue (her son, my DFi, is spending Christmas with them this year because she wants him to).

I'm at a loss for what to do. I want to go visit because I want to see my DFi!! He's leaving today and I won't see him until like early January if I don't go. But again, the timing is poor.

Has she already purchased the ticket for you to leave this Saturday (the 19th) and returning on the night of the 25th? Does this actually conflict with your exams that you mentioned, or not? Or is it the fact that you will miss seeing your family on the 25th?
Also your fiance is going out there for three weeks? Did you talk to your fiance's mom about this yourself and discuss what dates would be good, or is everything going through him?

 

[lovesmurfs]

Buy your own ticket or decline the offer. If you cannot afford the ticket then I suppose you won't see your DFi until Jan.

Your future MIL is acting like a bully.

I missed the whole DFi thing. You and DFi need to set your boundaries with this woman now -- and get your DFi involved in this. If she's like this from a freakin' plane ticket when you're engaged, what's going to to happen when you have kids?

 

[DMickey28]

Has she already purchased the ticket for you to leave this Saturday (the 19th) and returning on the night of the 25th? Does this actually conflict with your exams that you mentioned, or not? Or is it the fact that you will miss seeing your family on the 25th?
Also your fiance is going out there for three weeks? Did you talk to your fiance's mom about this yourself and discuss what dates would be good, or is everything going through him?

This ...

What do you have scheduled between Saturday and Friday? I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to fly across the country on Christmas day ... how is that good for you?

I agree with the previous posters who stated that you need to lay ground rules down BEFORE you get married with this woman. She sounds like she still controls your DFi to a certain extent and is now trying to do it to you. Tell her you appreciate the ticket but it's just not possible for you on such short notice. You NEED to have your DFi on your side for this ... he NEEDS to be out there at home agreeing to your "story." When did you find out that the ticket was for this Saturday? If you knew for a while and are now just deciding it doesn't work then I think you are stuck going ... If she just told you in the last day or two that it was for this weekend and you won't be getting home until 10PM on CHRISTMAS day then you can come up with a 'Story' with your DFi that he agrees to back up and back out of it.

Good Luck ... There is a dance involved when it comes to MIL's and sometimes we have to do things we don't necessarily want for the good of the family and the good of your relationship both with her and your DFi but this is a good time for you to set ground rules not only with her but also with your DFi.

 

[Ephany]

While it may be a nice gesture for her to buy your ticket, you should get to pick the time frame that works best for you. If you have prior commitments especially exams, those should come first if you say they do. Since it's not an emergency, I'd be freaked out that she's being so controlling. What's your DFi say? Honestly, I'd probably use this as an opportunity to start setting ground rules with her. If she's like this before the wedding, I can't imagine what she'll be like after!

 

[Rora]

I hope this all works out for you, but after reading this post I feel for you. If I were you, I would be setting up some rules about how much control your future MIL has over your life, BEFORE your wedding.
Good Luck

Thanks- yeah, DFiance and I have already talked about this. He hasn't seen his parents since the summer so he felt that he should go out there now (especially since she was giving him a hard time about it). DFiance knows I'm not going to put up with any of this once we are married. I don't feel as if it's my place to have complete control, yet, as we truly aren't married and he is her son, you know? Thanks for the hugs!!

Maybe a similar approach will work for you? Good luck, and ho, ho, ho. She sounds like a pill, your MIL.

I've talked to my MIL about coming out at another time and she says that this is the only time she has room in her house.. . She certainly is a pill but I'm trying to be a good DIL to be, even if it kills me!

Your future MIL is acting like a bully.

Very true-- glad to know I'm just not overreacting.

Has she already purchased the ticket for you to leave this Saturday (the 19th) and returning on the night of the 25th? Does this actually conflict with your exams that you mentioned, or not? Or is it the fact that you will miss seeing your family on the 25th?
Also your fiance is going out there for three weeks? Did you talk to your fiance's mom about this yourself and discuss what dates would be good, or is everything going through him?

As of now she has purchased a single ticket for me to arrive there on the 19th. She is refusing to purchase my home bound ticket until I get out there and we "talk about this".

I have an exam the day before I leave and also have to drive home. So I will be in an exam from 10-12 and then I will be making a 5 hour drive home, alone. The next day my planes leaves at 7am to visit her.

My fiance is going to be out there for 3 weeks- we don't think he'll see them next year except during our wedding (3 days at most) and he doesn't want to deal with her complaining how he never sees them.

I've already told his mom what would work best for me and she doesn't seem to care claiming that it's her way, since she's buying.

I missed the whole DFi thing. You and DFi need to set your boundaries with this woman now -- and get your DFi involved in this. If she's like this from a freakin' plane ticket when you're engaged, what's going to to happen when you have kids?

I know- that's what scares me the most. DFiance and I have already talked about this. We have decided we aren't doing this for the holidays once we are married. We'll alternate between his parents/my parents/and spending Christmas alone until we have kids. Once we have kids, people can come visit us. There's no way in heck I'm taking my littles ones on a 6 hour plane ride everytime she wants to see them.

Going into this marriage, I know I will have my hands full with her. I don't know how to go about setting limits with her NOW since we aren't married yet but once we say "I Do" I plan on doing everything I can to limit the control this woman will try to have over my family

This ...

What do you have scheduled between Saturday and Friday? I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to fly across the country on Christmas day ... how is that good for you?

I agree with the previous posters who stated that you need to lay ground rules down BEFORE you get married with this woman. She sounds like she still controls your DFi to a certain extent and is now trying to do it to you. Tell her you appreciate the ticket but it's just not possible for you on such short notice. You NEED to have your DFi on your side for this ... he NEEDS to be out there at home agreeing to your "story." When did you find out that the ticket was for this Saturday? If you knew for a while and are now just deciding it doesn't work then I think you are stuck going ... If she just told you in the last day or two that it was for this weekend and you won't be getting home until 10PM on CHRISTMAS day then you can come up with a 'Story' with your DFi that he agrees to back up and back out of it.

Good Luck ... There is a dance involved when it comes to MIL's and sometimes we have to do things we don't necessarily want for the good of the family and the good of your relationship both with her and your DFi but this is a good time for you to set ground rules not only with her but also with your DFi.

She told me about this plan last week and since then I've been trying to dissuade her. Now she's only bought a one way ticket leaving the 19th so we could decide together when I should leave, whatever that means. All I know is that I will be home for Christmas DAY even if she hates me .

That being said, thank you for your helpful words!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I missed the whole DFi thing. You and DFi need to set your boundaries with this woman now -- and get your DFi involved in this. If she's like this from a freakin' plane ticket when you're engaged, what's going to to happen when you have kids?

I agree. Tell your DFI to man up and deal with this with his mother. She is being unreasonable and a bully. I personally would decline. If I didn't see DFI until January then so be it. Clearly he is not all that concerned or he would have told his mother that certain dates will not work. A gift is nice but when it comes with strings I would rather decline it. Good luck and get this straightened out BEFORE the wedding. Otherwise you are in for a lot of aggravation.

 

[allison443]

From your first post, it sounded like your future MIL didn't take your exams into account (I thought you were going to miss exams!!) but now you've clarified that your exams actually end the day before you fly out there...so the only issue is when you are flying back? You want to fly back before the 25th so you can see your family, is that it? That seems very reasonable.

It probably would be better to have the return ticket purchased already. It almost sounds like she might hold you hostage once you get out there and refuse to buy you a return ticket....

 

[Rora]

From your first post, it sounded like your future MIL didn't take your exams into account (I thought you were going to miss exams!!) but now you've clarified that your exams actually end the day before you fly out there...so the only issue is when you are flying back? You want to fly back before the 25th so you can see your family, is that it? That seems very reasonable.

It probably would be better to have the return ticket purchased already. It almost sounds like she might hold you hostage once you get out there and refuse to buy you a return ticket....

The exams issue wasn't clear- sorry! That being said, taking an exam, driving home for 5 hours and then getting on a 6 hour plane ride the next day is going to kick my butt! I'm one of those girls that needs sleep in order to not be a complete grump.

I agree about having the return ticket purchased already- kinda scary sounding!

Even if I have to buy my own ticket, I just want to be back before Christmas Day so I can spend time with my parents since she gets to spend time with her son- fair is fair, right?

Thanks everyone--just wanted to get some opinions and make sure I wasn't crazy. It's going to be a looooonnnnngggg trip.