What would you do? (Teacher/parent question)

[Cindy B]

Yes, its only November, so its going to be a LONG year... 2nd grade can't end soon enough!

This is in regard to my sons teacher, a man teacher with a very "direct" personality.

There is a communication log that goes home every day with a sometimes a note/comment/praise, etc... usually a quick note/comment..etc. Lately, I have been getting paragraphs/pages on complaints on my son, and how he gets time outs...

My son does point out that other children exhibit the same behavior and does not get punished like he does.

Case in point: yesterday. There was a fire drill, and Josh (my son), and tow other students were talking. Josh got punished/severly/ no recess.. while the other students got nothing!

This is the fourth such incident, and I have brought this up to the teacher that other students are doing it as well, and I get "I only saw Josh, or I didn't catch the others! )

Once twice, I can understand that but FOUR TIMES? This is the same teacher on back to school night that told us to only schedule one conference a night on "his Night" because he really needs to talk "to be completely frank", and he also said jokingly " I ve been known to make moms cry, so bring tissues"... YIKES!

I wasn't sure if it was dry humor, or black humor, but no its truth... HE IS NASTY! (and young too, for that matter).

I'm not saying that Josh does not do wrong, but I feel that the teacher is excessive to my son.. and jumps to conclusions.

I wrote him how I felt about this, and his comment was that is your opinoion. I called the principal today to complain, and she stated that a written letter needs to addressed to her and a meeting will be done. (I called her before I read his comments)

Yikes, this is supposed to be the best district in the state, and the third nationwide...

Personally, I think his personality/directness would be better served in the middle/high school grades.

What can be done?

 

[kylara]

I would do just what the principal says and put it in writing. If you son was talking with two others, I do not see how he couldn't have seen them all.

I would be honest with the principal that you know that your son has done wrong (like talking if it is not allowed) however, that he feels he is being singled out and that the teacher doesn't want to address that with you.

I would also state that you have tried to address this with the teacher but this is what you got for a response and then show her the letter. Telling a mother to bring tissues to the teacher/parent conference and to NOT set up any other that night (what happens if you have more than one child at the school) is inappropriate, whether he was joking or not.

As long as you don't address it as "my little johnny can do no wrong" (please note generic name...not specifically saying you would say this about your Josh), they should take your concerns seriously. It could be that the teacher thinks that it is your son who is instigating things and that is why he punishes him when he doesn't punish others, but if this is the case, he should be made to state it so you can ALL work out a solution.

In the meantime, you might want to have a talk with Josh about his behavior. Tell him you realize that he is probably not the only one misbehaving, but the fact is, he is still doing things that he knows he should not be doing during class. Also let him know that just because others are doing the same behavior doesn't make it right, even if they are not punished while he is.

 

[Saffron]

Cindy - if at all possible, can you spend some time in your son's classroom? You then might be able to see both sides of the story. Tell the teacher you would like to be an observer for a short time. Maybe you could tell the teacher you would like to sit quietly in the room somewhere, between this time and that time, but not give a specific time. The teacher may not be receptive to the idea, but maybe you could talk to him about cutting bulletin board stuff, or stapling some papers or something. Don't interfere with what your son or the teacher is doing in anyway, just observe. Take notes about your sons behavior too. Then you can be armed with information for some intervention on your sons behalf, which may include some counseling or other intervention for him.

I wish you tons of luck Cindy. I'm going to keep Josh in my prayers.

Some teachers may not like this idea. When I'm a teacher - in a few months - I would be more than happy to have you do that in my room.

Edited to add: it would probably be best to do what I suggested for short periods of time over a couple of weeks, at all different times of the day. Good luck.

 

[WillyJ]

Tell him to lay off your kid or you'll get some one to kick the crap out of him. . that should do it. . .

 

[snoopy]

My son has a male teacher this year too for 2nd grade. We are so impressed with him, not a meanie at all.

I would write the principal a letter, exactly as I was told. And I would also ask was Josh talking to himself? How could it be that Josh was talking to someone yet the teacher only observed him? This just doesn't make sense.

 

[Mamu]

I would get to the root of this problem as quickly as possible, before your son loses a whole year of schooling and is playing catch-up next year.

Whether or not this teacher wants to have a conference or not I would demand one.

Sometimes our children are quite different at school then at home. Some need to make a impression to make friends. You need to find out what is going on.

I always believed my son's teacher was right. This is not always true. My son had some severe problems with a teacher in 7 grade. I understand these are the make or break years. It was a year long problem that blew-up towards the end of that year. I still feel that most teachers are right, but sometimes there are personality conflicts between a teacher and a student.

Get to the bottom of this now. Your son's educational future is the most important thing.

I would go in with the attitude that the teacher is right and save my judgments till after the conference.

 

[abaldacci]

OK Teachers are just people and they have their pets and kids they dislike I will not believe any different. My dear cousin is a great teacher. I hear it all the time. She treats all kids equal but I am sure some teachers don't. I think this sound like your case. I am just hearing one side of the story but the crying thing is most outragious. I would tell him I have been known to make teachers lose their jobs and see what he has to say, and don't you dare cry. I would not stop until I had his job if I was told this. This makes me mad and it is not my kid. I don't think watching is a good idea because people watched don't behave the same. (pysch 101) I would tape the whole conversation with him he sounds very cocky and might say something you could use. with the school or news where ever you need to use it except in a court of law but a taped conversation is better than your word against his. I did this with a supervisor that was trying to get rid of me because I was pregnant. It work great after I had him on tape I let him know I had it on tape by listening to it in front of him
but ackted like I didn't know he was there. I kept my job until I was ready to leave. I would try to get rid of him he sound like a bad man. Again I am only hearing on side of the story. GOODLUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH by the by I am not very outspoken here but on this one I can't help myself

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dds 4th grade was no picnic. But I got through it by making the teacher the ally. You enlist their help. Even if your boy is NOT in the wrong their is something there (???) and I try to go the route of solution. I tell dd "it won't be the last teacher that ____" By enlisting the teachers help you may get to the bottom of the problem.

Anyway this is how I have to handle things with my dd. Sidenote however. I went to parent/teacher conference and they ALL love her in middle school. Go figure. Elementary was not her cup of tea.

{HUGS} and sorry I know how frustrating it is.

 

[Mermaid02]

When the witch my dd had for 4th grade decided to return to school I congratulated her and said, "I hope you find a career you are more suited for."

Put your concerns in writing to the principal- have it sent with a return receipt- then demand a meeting. And have that meeting within a week- no reason to put it off.

 

[browneyes]

Cindy, if I was in your shoes, I'd see if I could switch teachers. The teacher sounds like he has very little compassion, and he seems to want to fight with you and your ds.

Once twice, I can understand that but FOUR TIMES? This is the same teacher on back to school night that told us to only schedule one conference a night on "his Night" because he really needs to talk "to be completely frank", and he also said jokingly " I ve been known to make moms cry, so bring tissues"... YIKES!

It also sounds like your dh needs to have a "frank" talk with the teacher about all this. It sounds to me that the man would act his age better with a male than a female. He sounds a little on the domineering side.

Good luck.

 

[Serena]

Cindy, make sure and tell your son that he will have teachers he likes and teachers he doesn't. He will have to learn to get along with all of them or his school year will not be fun.

I know he says he is being singled out, and he may very well be. That isn't right, but there isn't a whole lot you can do about it without some kind of proof. And, if that teacher wasn't really tired of the way your son behaves, he wouldn't be singled out at all.
It may be too, that your son is trying to get you angry at someone besides him. It worked pretty well. (I fell for it a couple times too.)
That teacher is an arrogant son of a gun, with no clue how to talk to parents. I don't like his comments and I would tell him so. But that doesn't make him wrong in dealing with your child.

You need to tell your child that he has to be responsible for his actions, regardless what other kids are doing, and regardless whether he likes his teacher.
Once he learns how to behave, he'll be much happier in class. Maybe not this year, but there's always next year.

{{{hugs}}} and remember, I don't know your or your son, this is just an opinion from the peanut gallery on what you've said.

 

[Serena]

Oh, you might want to get to know some of the other parents in the room. See what they think, find out what their kids are saying.
Talking with other teachers that you know and trust about that teacher would be a good idea too.

I've done all of this. It was a second grade teacher and it was just a personality conflict between her and my dd. They didn't like each other. We got through the year and I ended up saving this teacher her job at the end of it. The principal wanted to fire her because the principal went nuts(medically) and was exaggerating my dd's problems and my questions and concerns to do it.

 

[Cindy B]

I appreciate all your comments.

DH is writing a letter, and and asking for a meeting.. Now my DH is on the "intense" side, so I for one don't want to be there. Lets put it this way, you would probably hear him at the school from my house (a mile away!). My DH is very protective of his kids, and well... don't cross him when it comes to his kids!


Lauri_-

You make some great comments about behaviour. I have told him countless times, if you were good, you would have not have some of the problems.. that it is his choice to obey/disobey.
He is also saying that some kids are throwing pencils in the class, when the teacher isn't looking, he hears the pencil land on the floor, and two-three kids say "Josh did it!"

So, he gets in trouble for it! I did have a talk with him about reputation, and how he is known.. and how I wanted to be known for good things, and how his choices follow him sometimes.

My son isn't an angel, and I am not NOT saying that my son can do no wrong. I do believe that the teacher is jumping to conclusions because of my sons choices.

there are about 20 kids in the class. About half of the boys are "problematic" with my son being one of them. There is a child with many emotional/developmental issues, and has an inclusive aide just for him. , there are four other boys where there are behaviour problems, and saying rude things... and one kid even called the teacher stupid. (this same kid gave the finger to the first grade teacher)

So far, with all the problematic kids, Josh has not gone to the office for his behaviour. In that case, he does have a "good" side, and is not nasty all the time.

Its just a challenging situation. Other moms have said that thier kids are being teased as well, four or five boys have all been saying that they are teased... and all that. Another mom stated that the teachers log is full of negative comments as well.

 

[Serena]

I'm glad you took it as it was meant.

Well, it does really sound like the teacher is as much of the problem as your son and the other students. I would do what they other's suggested and go to the principal.

If you can, go with your husband. Put up a united front. You can keep things calm and he can heat it up when neccessary.

I'm really good at getting along with people and trying to find solutions to the problems. I'm not so good at being confrontational.

 

[Cindy B]

I understood what you meant.. I am the first one to admit my son doesn't behave 100%.

Somehow the teacher is perceiving this as I am " my little precious one never does anything wrong at home, my angel is perfect, how dare you say that"... I've taught/done daycare in this town, and MANY MANY parents--almost all-- have that attitudes about thier kids.. my babies can do no wrong. (They think having money, being affuluent, can absolve you from wrongdoing)


I have a feeling that he has this mindset about "Main Line Parents", (Main Line is the section of town we are in)... and that we are ones like that.

We are getting defensive, because the teacher isnt' listening and writing us off... not truly listening to the big picture.

 

[SuiteDisney]

You might want to get the school guidance counselor involved. Rachel was having a hard time in 3rd grade because her teacher was a screamer. I wasn't sure how to handle it tactfully so that I wouldn't offend the teacher and have her take her anger out on Rachel, so I got in touch with the guidance counselor. She met with Rachel (separately) and the teacher and me and really helped to keep the communication positive.

 

[tar heel]

I have three chidren and made many mistakes the first couple times we had a teacher who wasn't a good match. The third time, I played it just right. She was my third child's first grade teacher, and she was a witch. I had a conference with her on the third day of school, which she seemed shocked by. I told her when I got a note saying my child's behavior was bad, I saw no reason to wait. I bit my tongue and took the approach of "what can we together do about this." After a good conference, she then sent him to the office two days later. We had another conference where I very directly but calmly told her that I did not believe that was appropriate since we (she and I) had made specific plans about what we were going to do. The Mystery Machine is exactly right with the advice about enlisting the teacher's help. I also signed up to volunteer in the classroom every Monday morning -- I work and this did NOT really fit my schedule, but it was too important not to do. This is a better approach, I think, than just asking to observe. That way I got to see exactly what was going on in the room and also got her to perceive me as an ally. Her treatment of my child changed enough that I could live with it. I initially asked to have him moved to another class but was turned down. I was not surprised -- that request is almost never granted.

 

[damo]

Before you go in for a principal/parent/teacher conference I would suggest that you gather all of the facts. This means asking the other children in the class about the specifics of the events. You have to remember that you are only hearing the story from your son's point of view and that his word against the teacher's will probably not go over very well. Once you have other ammunition that you can use, i.e. facts from other kids and parents, then you are suitably prepared to deal with this guy.

 

[Disney Doll]

The mix of kids in that classroom sounds like quite a handful!!! Is this teacher fairly new to teaching. Maybe it's too much for him to handle and he's coping by being extra gruff and cocky...that kind of behavior sometimes hides deep insecurity. Also, is he young? I know my soon-to-graduate college nephew can annoy the living daylights out of me soemtimes with his "I know everything there is to know" cocky attitude.

None of my thoughts make the situation better, but they are just what popped into my head as I was reading this thread. I'd definitely involve the guidance counselor and if necessary the principal. Teachers are wonderful, in general. But they are human and there are going to be personality conflicts etc with kids and parents. Do you like every single person you meet? The problem is, teachers can have a profound effect on the child's attitude about school and learning in general, so it's important not to let these things fester or escalalte.

 

[Cindy B]

I've already got the school counselor, principal, and the IST teacher involved. They are all aware of the meeting./problems.

I did volunteer in the class a few Fridays ago, and he was treating Josh just like the other kids, but I was wondering if it wasnt' jsut because I was there... the problems hadn't really started yet.


I think my DH is going to ask for another teacher, not sure if that is a good idea. a) teaches him that he would get his way b) in life you are going to have diffucult people to deal with, whether its a spouse, neighbor, boss, etc...


But if my son has needs we aren't aware of yet, (ie ADD or something like that), we need this taken care of.