What would you do?(long vent)

[tinkerlisa]

This is a long story but I am hoping somebody here can help.
We have a boy in our neighborhood the same age as my son. At first it was great until my kid started coming home with bruises all over and this girl in our neighborhood finally told me DS's "friend" was beating him up all the time when my son is at his house(they all play together). I told this boy my son is not allowed to play with him anymore.
Well, his mother got all huffy and tried telling me that the abuse is going both ways and that my son starts it. I KNOW that DS doesn't hit this other boy.
So I gave in and started letting my son play with him again because she said that she would supervise them better.
When this boy is at my house, I am out with them the whole time just to make sure there is no funny business. Well I guess that watching them at her house doesn't go both ways on his mother's part.
I know this because this boy has a sister that has Down Syndrome and the mother does not watch her and she leaves their yard and is always in my yard. I don't have a problem with her, she is a sweet girl. One time I was trying to convince her to let me take her home to let her mom know she would like to play with my son but she wouldn't go with me. It took her mom 45 minutes before she realized her daughter had even left the house! There have been other instances of this girl taking off including one time when the police were even called because nobody had seen her in over 2 hours! Usually she just wanders into my yard but this time she didn't.
So anyway, last week the boy was playing with my son and he was hitting him. I told him not to do that and that it is not playing because his excuse was that he was "just playing" Then he did something even more shocking: He started to rub my son's bottom. Now I know it's natural for exploration and stuff but I freaked! I told him to go home and not come back.
Of course he doesn't listen. So yesterday he came back but this time with his dog. I have told him in the past not to bring the dog because we do not enjoy cleaning up after other people's pets and my son is allergic. I told him that my son cannot play with him. As he leaves he is yanking the dog to the point where it was making a noise because it couldn't breathe good. I told him he shouldn't do that and he stopped. Then a few minutes later I hear him in my driveway. I look out the window and he is swinging the dog! He was holding the leash and the dog was off the ground by about 3-4 inches!
Now the confrontation with his mother has not been the only one between us. To be honest, this lady scares the crap outta me. So I have no clue what to do about this family.
I thought about calling Child Protective Services but she would know it is me that called because my yard is usually the only one that her daughter wanders into and I don't want to deal with the mother again.
And after yesterday, I have been thinking about calling animal control as far as the dog. I know that kids don't know better but at 7 you should know about how to treat an animal. My son does.
Sorry this has been so darn long I am just at my wits end with the whole thing. I want my son to have friends and there are other kids in the neighborhood but they all play together(about 10 other kids) so there is no way DS can avoid this boy.

 

[MouseMadness]

OK, JMO...trying to be short and sweet...

Don't be afraid of that woman. You need to do what is best for your DS and your own sanity. I personally wouldn't want my son to play with that little boy or any other kid in the neighborhood who takes part in that behavior. Make sure you make it clear to the neighbor boy that your DS isn't allowed to play with him anymore, period. If he knocks on your door, just tell him to go home. If he ends up in your yard abusing his dog, call the animal control/SPCA/local shelter (or whoever) to report the abuse. If the neighbor's daughter is in your yard (and a problem, or you're worried about her safety) call CPS. If the neighbor has a problem with it or threatens you, call the police. Even if nothing becomes of one particular incident, it is noted, so if it continues it will draw attention.

There is no reason you should be putting up with that. Yes, they are neighbors, but that doesn't mean you have to like them or associate with them.

If you're worried about playmates for your son, don't be. I'm sure the other kids in the neighborhood would be more than happy to continue to play with him. For awhile, though, I would keep him at home for playdates to ensure he isn't being bullied somewhere else by the neighbor boy. Also, if that little boy is picking on your son, there might be others as well, and they'll be more than happy to be rid of him. Oh, and if the neighbors daughter ends up in your yard, but isn't really bothering you or hurting anything, then you might just want to overlook that. Perhaps you could just be really nice and sweet and suggest she go home. If you feel comfortable with her playing with your son (outside), that might be an option too.

Anyway, that's just my two cents worth. I could go on forever...

OK, waiting for everyone's replies on my reply...

 

[mickeymouse1017]

Ok, I will bite on this one. You should in no way be concerned about this woman. She is not taking care of her responsibilities if her son is hitting other children and calling it play, touching others inappropriately, and abusing animals. I would call your local spca to report the animal abuse just to get a case started. However, I would also call cps not only for the son but for the daughter also. It is very bothersome that a child would wonder off especially a special needs child and the mother would not immediately realize it. Let this other mother be mad at you. If nothing else, it will keep her away from you and your son. If she tried to bother you, call the police and let her know that you will continue to do so as long as she continues.

 

[maidenfairy]

I agree with the above posts. We have a kid in our neighborhood my children are not allowed to play with. He is a pest. His parents don't seem to mind him shooting other children with bb guns or urinating outside. It bothers me. I don't think they are abusive, just bad parents.

Hitting is unacceptable and so is the touching. Call services if you witness it again. This child is learning to touch another person like this from somewhere. Seven yr old boys don't go rubbing their friends' bottoms. What is the worst the mom will do, not let her kids come over and play? Bonus.

 

[kpadalik]

I would NEVER allow my child to play w/ that boy again! We had a similar thing w/ a neighbor boy and my DD6. After speaking with his parents, things got a little better. But we just decided it would be best not to allow our DD to be outside w/ the other kids if he was around. Thankfully, the family moved...I don't miss them one bit!!!! Anyway, I would call Children/Family Services and Animal Control. That boy's inappropriate touching may stem from something at home. I wouldn't worry about the mother. I know that I would feel guilty if something happened to her son or daughter or another child in the neighborhood and I hadn't called CFS. She's obviously a deadbeat mother (sorry if that's too harsh) and a red flag should be raised in this case. The way society is nowadays, you never know what could happen or what is already happening in that house. Good luck and keep us updated on what happens...

 

[disykat]

What is the developmental age of this girl? I'd be very concerned. Whether the mom thinks it's you or not (she'd probably think it was you no matter who called anyway)it's time to call. Depending on her developmental age, it could be like not supervising a much younger child.

Definitely stick to your guns about not letting your son play with him. If the mom thinks "your son is starting it" - good - all the more reason for them not to play together.

 

[stacy6552]

Call. Intervene, now. I know from experience that this will only get worse and in ways that will involve the police. We had a boy my son's age who went from picking on kids to vandalism and drug dealing, here in the neighborhood. GIve these kids the chance the parents wont.

 

[WantToGoNow]

Definitely don't be afraid of this mother - if she does anything that threatens you, then call the police on her. As for hitting, that's not all that uncommon for boys that age but if you don't want it, then you have the power to stop your child from playing with him. My ds7 was beat up twice within a month by neighborhood kids all in the name of "playing". One time he was held down by two and repeatedly kicked by another. This continued to the school yard but stopped after I had a talk with his teacher. I have allowed him to play with two of the boys again this spring and so far there has been no hitting, kicking, scratching.

As for the touching, that it an entirely different thing. That boy is seeing it somewhere (but maybe even unsupervised TV) but your child needs to be taught to never let another person (child/adult) do that to him. My dd5 came home last weekend from across the street and said one of the girls showed her her ****ies. We had a talk right then about it never being appropriate to show your private areas to someone else.

And I would call animal protection about the dog. Chances are that dogs probably abused quite a bit.

 

[MiniGirl]

Sounds like you have gotten some great advice, so I won't add to any of it.

Just be strong for your family. We just had to end a friendship with one of the neighborhood kids, too, so I know it isn't easy -- even when you know it is an unhealthy relationship. I, too, was scared of the mother because of things she had tried to do with other parents, but so far, nothing has come of it. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do for your kiddos.

 

[tinkerlisa]

Thanks for everyone's advice. I am definitly going to call Animal Control for the abuse on the dog. The dog is definitly abused not just in the way that I already told you, but it has to be more. This dog is afraid of people in general. I tried to pet the poor thing, and he cowered down! That is very shocking because animals usually like me alot.

Somebody asked about the developmental age of the sister. She is nine, but from talking with their mom in the past, her mentality is 4. She is such a sweet girl and I would really hate to see something bad happen to her. She would definitly get into a car with a stranger if he offered candy.

I talked with my next door neighbors and they said that if the girl comes into the yard again, call CPS so that's what I will do. Hopefully when she was here a few days ago will be the last time.

Thinking about it now, this family has had their fair share of problems. The father wasn't around for a while and that's when the problems with the kids started. Then he moved back home and has been home for a little over a year and the boy was great to my son and his sister was being supervised. Now, the father, we just found out, has moved out. So it's something on the mother's part, not the father's, for sure.
I think the boy gets aggressive because that is the way he is handling not having a dad around.
I am going to go and talk with their mom today. Hopefully I will not have a black eye when I am done.

 

[dogodisney]

Do they all go to the same school? If so get in touch with either, the counselor or principal and voice your concerns to them. That way they can investigate since it is their duty to make reports to the proper authorities.

 

[tinkerlisa]

Do they all go to the same school? If so get in touch with either, the counselor or principal and voice your concerns to them. That way they can investigate since it is their duty to make reports to the proper authorities.

Thanks for that suggestion! I think I will do that. Maybe that way in can be kept confidential and I don't have to deal with the mother.

 

[brockash]

OK, JMO...trying to be short and sweet...

Don't be afraid of that woman. You need to do what is best for your DS and your own sanity. I personally wouldn't want my son to play with that little boy or any other kid in the neighborhood who takes part in that behavior. Make sure you make it clear to the neighbor boy that your DS isn't allowed to play with him anymore, period. If he knocks on your door, just tell him to go home. If he ends up in your yard abusing his dog, call the animal control/SPCA/local shelter (or whoever) to report the abuse. If the neighbor's daughter is in your yard (and a problem, or you're worried about her safety) call CPS. If the neighbor has a problem with it or threatens you, call the police. Even if nothing becomes of one particular incident, it is noted, so if it continues it will draw attention.

There is no reason you should be putting up with that. Yes, they are neighbors, but that doesn't mean you have to like them or associate with them.

If you're worried about playmates for your son, don't be. I'm sure the other kids in the neighborhood would be more than happy to continue to play with him. For awhile, though, I would keep him at home for playdates to ensure he isn't being bullied somewhere else by the neighbor boy. Also, if that little boy is picking on your son, there might be others as well, and they'll be more than happy to be rid of him. Oh, and if the neighbors daughter ends up in your yard, but isn't really bothering you or hurting anything, then you might just want to overlook that. Perhaps you could just be really nice and sweet and suggest she go home. If you feel comfortable with her playing with your son (outside), that might be an option too.

Anyway, that's just my two cents worth. I could go on forever...

OK, waiting for everyone's replies on my reply...

ITA! I have a DS (7) and if it were me, I would stop letting him play with that boy. I get it, all kids go through stages ect., but if your kid had bruises from the other boy "beating him up" -that's totally unacceptable, and not playing, not rough housing, not ok. Don't get me wrong, my DS and DN have "rough housed" (we don't allow it, but I know it has happened,) but neither of them have ever been bruised up. I'm guessing for bruises it would have had to have been punches???? on your chids body??? Just guessing, but to me that's a lot of anger from a 7 year old. Also, my 7 year old knows for sure how to and not to treat pets, and he certainly is old enough to know what that kid did was torture/abuse.

 

[disykat]

I am going to go and talk with their mom today. Hopefully I will not have a black eye when I am done.

Why talk to the mom? I would just keep sending the child home and start making phone calls. She's already proven she is not receptive to discussion.

If you do talk to the mom, just remember - "Our sons don't play well together" If other mom says "it's all YOUR child's fault" just say "It's not about fault, it's about keeping them apart so they will both be safe."

The mom knows it's her child, arguing with her won't help anything. I also would NOT talk to her about the rubbing. I'd leave that all to child protective services.

 

[purpletiger]

I have a DS6 and he rough houses with his friends all the time but not one time has he come home with a bruise. You have to be hit pretty hard for a bruise to appear. My DS is very rough even when he plays by himself and with my DD. They have never bruised each other either. So for this boy to bruise him is an entirely different ballgame almost borderline physical abuse. I am sure it can even happen to a 7 yr old. As others have said kids learn from watching. So if he has seen an adult hit and it seems "OK" then he will hit.

I would not try and talk to ther mother again because she obviously don't care about what has happened our else she would have tried to fix it already.

I would definitely notify your school and let them know what has been going on (with both son and daughter) and let them advise you on what the next step needs to be. They deal with this sort of thing all the time.

GOOD LUCK.

 

[1hero2princesses]

My advise would be do not give in, or back down or feel pressured into letting your child play with this boy. His behavior is not appropriate and there is definitely some problems going on here. I would be very, very nervous about the inappropriate touching and hitting. He is old enough to know better. In our local school system we have had a terrible incident recently of an 11 and 12 year old abusing (sexual and physically) another 11 year old (all boys). You have to protect your child and if you see anything else inappropriate going on I would definitely contact the school or local services.

 

[Jajone]

As a social worker (and not CPS) I have to say I am shocked to hear someone so worried about calling CPS on this mother. Bruises on your son, inappropriate touching are enough and you are probably not the first to have this happen. A 7 y.o. boy has already had the good touch bad touch talk in school and knows how not to treat a dog. You need to stop worrying about what the mom thinks and start worrying about protecting innocent children. That other boy included. He's learning this from somewhere. I myself would feel very guilty if I didn't tell someone and the boy did something serious to another child.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

sent you a pm

 

[Lovin' Disney]

Do they go to the same school? Counselors should definitely be involved.

 

[aTasteOfHeaven]

I agree with all the pp's. There is something deeper going on for a little boy to be that aggressive. And for the daughter to go missing and be wandering around the neighborhood!

I don't think I would confront the woman myself. Leave that to the professionals.