What would you do if your teen daughter became pregnant???

[Brier Rose]

I see many of you saying that you were dating at 14 and 15 - why?
Tiger

Well, speaking for myself only, but it was just too much trouble for my mother to tell me no.

I really don't know what happened to me at around age 12..other than my parents getting divorced, but I totally spiraled out of control. Drinking, doing drugs, and yes having sex by age 13.

At the time my mother had just gotten remarried and was basically "all about my step-father". She was also pregnant with my little brother when I was at my absolute worst. To be fair to her, she did try. Not hard enough, IMO, but she did. I was just that bad.

I would NEVER give up on either of my kids the way she did me. We've talked about it a lot since I've been grown, and I know how sorry she is for it. My dad was around...every other weekend or so, but was pretty much only interested in his girlfriend, and his money. He thinks he was always a perfect father.

Truth be told, I'm very lucky the worst thing that happened in my teenage years was that I got pregnant. Really it probably saved my life.

My DD is 14 now, and is NOT allowed to date....PERIOD! Maybe when she is 16, and even then there will be strict rules in place. Same rules will apply to my DS. DD and I have had long talks about what we expect from her, and more importantly what she should expect from herself.

I'm really not too worried about it. Not saying that it can't or won't happen, just that even at 14 she has a very good head on her shoulders.

 

[beckmrk04]

I am speaking hypothetically since I don't have a DD or DS for that matter.

Truth be told, I'd demand she get an abortion or get out.

I was told the very same thing as a teen. "Don't you dare have sex. If you get pregnant, you are aborting. And if you think you are ready to have a baby, then you should be ready to live somewhere else. Buh-bye to you."

The warning, (which seems harsh to some I'm sure) worked. I stayed chaste through my whole teenhood and I have no-nonsense parenting to thank for that.

Ouch. I think you can be no-nonsense and teach lessons without resulting to this, can't you? And the whole "Just don't do it" thing doesn't work for all kids- they are kids. I could never force my child to have an abortion- I would definitely suggest it, but that's a VERY big decision too! And I can't imagine being 16, pregnant, and my mom saying, "Well, too bad you're so stupid, now you're on your own."

I remember asking my mom when I was younger when was a good time to start having sex. She paused for a minute, looked at me, and said, "When you think you can take care of a baby ALL the time, ALL by YOURSELF." She wasn't trying to scare me really, but that was her reality at 19 years old (when she had me). SO, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19. And even then, I asked the guy (now known as my dh!!) what would we do if we accidentally got pregnant WAY before we had sex. My mom taught me a lot about being responsible, but she also taught me that sex isn't BAD, just something that I should respect, for me and for the act.

And I don't think kicking out a 16 year old pregnant kid is going to teach them much, or do much for a parent-child relationship. CAN you even kick out a 16 y/o?

 

[va32h]

Brilliant post, Tiger.

I have two girls, and I've endured a lot of rolled-eyes about some of my parenting decisions, but it's all about letting them grow up at a normal pace.

I won't tell my girls that they have to wait for marriage to have sex (I didn't). But I will (and do) tell them that sex is for adults, and they are not adults at 16, 19, or even 22, if they are still going to school and being financially supported by me.

If one of my daughters came to me and told me she was pregnant, I'd probably hug her and cry for a good hour. And then we'd figure out what to do. I know that doesn't sound like much of a concrete answer, but there are too many variables. How old is she, what is her school situation like, how does she feel about it, how does the father feel about it.

One thing I do know for sure is that I would never turn my back on her, no matter what decision is made.

 

[azgal81]

I don't have any kids but I"ll comment anywayse. Well I think it would be tough to raise a baby as a teenager I think it would have been tougher to be given no options by my parents except for abortion. That just doesn't seem fair to me I understand the whole being upset that your teen is pregnant thing but giving them no say to me just seems harsh.

Since alot of teens are having sex, I think all you can do is teach your teens about sex and being safe if they do choose to have sex just hope that they make the right decisions and are safe. And if they do get pregnant not to disown them and let them make their own decision about what to do. It will be a hard road for them but I think it would be hard no matter what they choose.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I am speaking hypothetically since I don't have a DD or DS for that matter.

Truth be told, I'd demand she get an abortion or get out.

I was told the very same thing as a teen. "Don't you dare have sex. If you get pregnant, you are aborting. And if you think you are ready to have a baby, then you should be ready to live somewhere else. Buh-bye to you."

The warning, (which seems harsh to some I'm sure) worked. I stayed chaste through my whole teenhood and I have no-nonsense parenting to thank for that.

I think that if you have a child, you will understand how much you love them and want to help them to be happy. You just can't understand how much parents love their kids until you are a parent. Many ideas about parenting change when you actually become a parent.

I know there are some people who make the decision (which is very different than the threat) to throw the kid out, and that's fine for them. But most people want to help their kids, especially when the kid is in trouble and the cards are stacked against them.

 

[Goobergal99]

Well, I was the 16 y/old girl who had to tell my mom I was pregnant. So if the same thing happened to my daughter (which my husband and I pray to god doesn't) I would give her all the support, love and help that I was given by my mom, it's a baby after all, a life, there are far worse things in life.

My DD is the best thing that ever happened to me or my DH. We got through alot of rough patches in our relationship trying to provide stability for her, it would have broken alot of other ppl in our situation but we prevailed and now we are incredibly happy, all grown up and giving our DD all the love and affection we were afforded.

I am more in love with my DH now, watching the man he grew up to be and the great dad that he is to our DD. Every once in awhile I get those butterflies that I had in the beginning and it just reinds me that although we took an alternate path, we ended exactly where we were supposed to.

Ok I'll cut out the corny eupherisms now lol

 

[Goobergal99]

I feel like I should add a little something

My mom preached to me all the time about safe sex, birth control etc.. My DH and I had been dating for 2 years when I came home pregnant and while my mom probably wasn't thrilled at the idea that her daughter would be giving birth 2 months before HS graduation she dealth with it. Yea, she freaked out initially "I told you about using protection etc..." but in the end the reality was what it was, we talked about all the options and when I told her I wanted to keep my DD she accepted it and helped me and my DH out along the way.

I have since graduated college, landed a fanstastic job and started working on my masters, not to mention married DD's father. I know it is not the norm and I covered that fact extensively on a paper I wrote in college on teen pregancy and parenting. However, it worked out and I know that if it hadn't been for the support my mom gave to me, then there is no way that we would have survived and been as capable as we all are today

My point is that as parents it is our job to love, support and care for our children, for life, not just until age 18. It is our choice to bring them into the world and without the foundation of our unwavering love and support how can they learn to give the same love and encouragement to their own children? They need us and if they make mistakes in life we need to be there to help amend them. I am not trying to preach, it's just something I learned along the way, I truly owe every part of who I am to my mom because of the person she helped me become.

 

[tinkerbell of winter]

I would probably have a heart attack, and then call her father, who she would then be going to live with!

 

[Holly]

What could I do?
The deed is done, so to say , so I would have to come to terms with whatever decision my daughter made and be supportive.
I wouldn't like it, and I hope that I am raising my daughters in a manner that makes such a situation unlikely.

 

[TammyAlphabet]

I am speaking hypothetically since I don't have a DD or DS for that matter.

Truth be told, I'd demand she get an abortion or get out.

I was told the very same thing as a teen. "Don't you dare have sex. If you get pregnant, you are aborting. And if you think you are ready to have a baby, then you should be ready to live somewhere else. Buh-bye to you."

The warning, (which seems harsh to some I'm sure) worked. I stayed chaste through my whole teenhood and I have no-nonsense parenting to thank for that.

I too believe in no-nonsense parenting, but consider this: One of my good friends had parents that would have never suggested an abortion or anything but her fear of disappointing them was so great that she got a abortion that she never, never, wanted to get. The emotional scars from this abortion were so strong that now, 23 years later, she still cries over her aborted child from time to time. I agree that premarital sex is not the greatest thing for a teen to do, but should she be scarred for life for making a mistake?

 

[cardaway]

2) Most of my girls (ages 15-21) find themselves in bad relationships and this is the crux of the problem. Children aren't taught how to choose a proper mate (most of my students' parents are at-risk themselves, so it's no wonder they couldn't help their kids). I see many of you saying that you were dating at 14 and 15 - why? What do you know at that age about being in a relationship? How did you choose your boyfriends/girlfriends? It's much worse for most of my girls because they are in abusive relationships, or in relationships with drug addicts, men in jail or unmotivated high school drop outs. Keep this in mind when you are letting your daughters date at such young ages - sex is an adult activity and needs to be treated as such. More specifically, our society believes in throw away relationships, date lots of people, one night stands, etc. - all of these activities are sexual in nature, so that's what our young people believe they too should be doing - if I had a dollar for everytime I hear, "Everyone does it, Miss" or, "Sex is no big deal," or "There's nothing else to do!" - I'd be a rich woman! Sex is a big deal and parents need to teach their children that it is!

IMO they are as bad as you're making them out to be because you are comparing them to adult relationships. Most have very healthy teen relationships, including those that include some level of sexual contact.

IMO the one thing that is sure to make things harder is to make the kids feel it is wrong to not act on their feelings. That's what many do in reaction. To keep teens from having sexual contact they all but cut out any time with teens of the opposite sex.

 

[cardaway]

No, I've never had an abortion. I HAVE had a D&C following a miscarriage - aren't they basically similar procedures? So I'm familiar with a similar medical procedure and the grief and fear that come with something you didn't expect to happen suddenly becoming a reality. But no, I've never ended a pregnancy. I would have, though, if I'd gotten pregnant before I got married.

I agree. Recently my wife and I went through the same thing. The same goes for before we were married and not ready for a child.

 

[diskids2]

One thing I do know for sure is that I would never turn my back on her, no matter what decision is made.

Speaking from the mouth of a mom with a 15 year old daughter......I totally agree.

To answer the OP - what would I do if she came home pregnant? I'd ask her what she wanted to do. I'd answer any of her questions and I'd support her in HER decision. And just to be clear, by support, I mean any kind of support. I am willing to do this and I am fortunate enough to be able to do what I am willing to do.

To add my own 2 cents on "guidance" before teenage sex. I agree with so many that have spoke about teaching girls, and boys, for that matter...to have self esteem. IMHO, self esteem is key to a healthy teenager.

And one more note, I also have a son...age 11, so maybe slightly too young at this point...but if he ever came home and told me that he had fathered a child.....I'd support him in every way.

 

[minkydog]

I am speaking hypothetically since I don't have a DD or DS for that matter.

Truth be told, I'd demand she get an abortion or get out.

I was told the very same thing as a teen. "Don't you dare have sex. If you get pregnant, you are aborting. And if you think you are ready to have a baby, then you should be ready to live somewhere else. Buh-bye to you."

The warning, (which seems harsh to some I'm sure) worked. I stayed chaste through my whole teenhood and I have no-nonsense parenting to thank for that.

I'd hate for my kids to be afraid to tell me because they thought I'd react this harshly. It's easy to have these black-and-white boundaries when you aren't actually faced with the reality of an unplanned pregnancy. I would hope that my kids understand that whatever happens--trouble with the law, suicidal thoughts, depression, or even pregnancy--that mom and dad have got their back. That doesn't mean I'd step in and raise the kid for them. But I would support them, make sure they had medical care, and help them stay on track for the future. It's just a baby. It's not the end of the world.

My mother worried herself to death that I would become pregnant. It really colored our whole relationship--she kept tabs on the calendar constantly and threatened me within an inch of my life. I was more motivated to just get out of that house than anything else. Thankfully, I discovered college. For me, getting pregnant in high school would have been a disaster because I knew my mother would never let me live it down. I'd hear about it every day for the rest of my life.

I don't want to be that kind of mother.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I am a pretty no-nonsense parent, but I'd never kick a minor child out of my house for refusing an abortion or adoption. If they chose to have a baby, then they would also be making the choice to find a way to support the baby and also making the choice to give up Friday and Saturday night dates and partying -- but I would also be there for them emotionally and financially.

Kids, adults, everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes they are little mistakes and sometimes they are huge. But my love for my children is not conditional on them living their lives the way I think they should.

 

[DVCLiz]

An interesting postscript at my house...

When DD17 came in last night, I asked her to read the OP, and then asked what she thought I had responded. She said, "I think you would say that you would support me in whatever decision I made, but I think secretly you would hope that I would have the baby and keep it." Then I asked what her decision would be, and she said, "I'd definitely have an abortion." So then I let her read my response - and she said, "Ahh, Mom, that's so nice!" It was such an odd moment - obviously, "nice" isn't the word you would expect to use when talking about something as serious as an abortion. Still, it was an 'Oh, look, we are on the same page about this issue and I didn't really expect that from you, so thanks, Mom, for understanding how I would feel about it" kind of moment. Don't know if that makes sense to you!!! It did make me feel that perhaps I had assumed we had talked more about this than we actually had!!!!

We did talk more about it - many of her friends are sexually active or are planning to become so. Does it seem to you that some of the teens in your children's peer groups have this as an item to check off before college?? I think I'm seeing a little of that. But what impresses me is how many of them are going for PAP smears and birth control, and how few seem to be having casual I-didn't-think-about-it-it-just happened sex. I'm sure that still happens, but at least the ones I hear most about know and take advantage of birth control and have made some effort to think things through BEFORE they end up in bed.

This is such an interesting thread!!!!

 

[MerryPoppins]

DD 15 has not been told she cannot date, but she's not really interested. She says guys are too high maintanance, and she doesn't really want to have to give the time that a relationship would take at this point in her life. There is more than one boy showing interest, but she just wants to be good friends. For right now, we let her go on group outings if we know who is going and we like the mix. But I have to admit that I'm happy that she's satisfied for now just being part of a group.

As a note, her good friend is NOT allowed to have a boyfriend and she's had secret boyfriend after secret boyfriend. In some ways it's been counter-productive for her parents to set these hard/fast rules. It has pushed to her go on with relationships behind their backs. I know for a fact that she has met boyfriends at the mall when she'd told her parents she was meeting girlfriends. My DD finds her behavior shocking, but I guess it's fairly typical.

I can't imagine cutting either of my kids off because they wouldn't make the choice I wanted them to make. I'd support them, even if it hurt. We all make bad choices. I don't think following DD's bad choice with more bad behavior from me would be helpful. The best thing is to stay calm and decide what would be best for everyone involved.

The more I think about it, I might offer to adopt the baby myself. DH and I have often said we wish we'd had three children instead of two. Even though I feel like I'm finished with that part of my life and not anxious to do the late nights and diapers, I'd feel a tie to a grandchild. I really don't know what I would do, but I might.

 

[NikiM20]

I did post earlier but did have to add that we wont have that problem because DD will not date until shes 40. Then it will be a double date and her Dad and I will be the other couple

 

[thelittlemermaid]

DD is only 6 and is special needs. My fear is someone taking advantage of her when she's older and getting pregnant.

Now I have a DS who is 9 and have been very open with him about sex already. DH and I are expecting in July and since DS is alot older now with this baby {he was only 3 when DD was born} that he will keep in the back of his mind what it's like to have a newborn around. That way when he's older and starts getting those urges, that he will stop and think before having sex. I have told him that if he did get a girl pregnant that he would help with the baby and have no excuses not to help. I wouldn't make him get married, not unless it was something he and she wanted to do.

But I just hope his soon to be baby brother will help him realize that there is more to sex then just pleasure, there can also be a lifetime of work at the end of it also.

 

[Tiger926]

"IMO they are as bad as you're making them out to be because you are comparing them to adult relationships. Most have very healthy teen relationships, including those that include some level of sexual contact. IMO the one thing that is sure to make things harder is to make the kids feel it is wrong to not act on their feelings. That's what many do in reaction. To keep teens from having sexual contact they all but cut out any time with teens of the opposite sex."

Perhaps you misunderstood me, so let me take the opportunity to explain - especially since I just had this exact conversation with 6 students today! I'm not saying all teen relationships are bad at all, but I do find that most teens I speak with believe they are adults, and act this way because most adults treat them this way! For me, 'sexual contact' as you put it, is an activity that requires maturity and emotional committment, which puts it in the adult category in my book. The problem is that most teens I talk to think that sex is required and that is a sign of emotional immaturity.

Since I am surrounded by teens all day, I totally know that teens experience hormonal surges, but, why is it so wrong to teach teens that there are many more facets to a relationship than sexual contact? Perhaps there are mature teens who can handle this, but I haven't met any yet. Teens by their very nature are struggling to find their place in the world, so something as confusing as sex is sure to get in the way! My goodness, I've been with my hubby for 12 years, and sex confuses me sometimes - LOL!

In all seriousness, sexual contact is one expression of intimacy and no offense, but most of my teens have trouble keeping their lockers clean, showing up to class on time and holding down parttime jobs, let alone being in relationships (and some aren't even in relationships, so pregnancies ensue from one night stands - lots of my students have had to deal with this) that involve sexual contact. I totally don't buy the excuse from parents either that their kids are going to do it anyway - not if this isn't what has been set up in your home. Boundaries need to be taught, and parental guidance is lacking in the sexual intimacy/relationship area as most parents just aren't comfortable with this topic. You need to teach your children how to pick the proper mates (especially since teens don't understand why their mates cheat on them), how to value themselves, how to have enriching relationships that don't focus on sexual contact and, to keep the lines of communication open at all times - a pregnancy announcement should never be a surprise to any parent if they are engaged and committed to their children as they'd be able to spot problems, such as: self esteem issues, moving too fast, spending too much time together, etc. Teens who are consistently responsible and mature more than likely aren't going to find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy since they would know how to use birth control, when to use it, etc.

Hopefully, I've better explained myself since today has been a usual day in terms of this topic - I've had discussions already about cheating, teen pregnancy, STDs, abusive boyfriends and multiple partners - all in a regular day's work around here! Plus, I just gave two 16 year olds girls baby clothes because they can't afford clothes for their 1 yr. old babies. This is unfortunately the reality that I see each and everyday.

Tiger