What would you do? Help needed

[TAKitty]

I don’t usually ask life changing advice from the Dis, but I am living the situation and it’s hard to be objective.

When I was 28, I married a man who had previously been married and has two kids. I had never been married. I made it clear that I wanted children and asked if he was open to that. He was. Fast forward seven years and we find out that he can no longer conceive a child and our chance of conceiving is less than 1%. He is against IVF which is what the doctors recommend. Adoption is a noble calling, but he is seven years older than I and at the age cut off.

What do I do?

Do I stay with him and give up my dream for a child of my own.

or

Leave him and try to make a “go at it” with someone else.

I just don't know what to do, but I do know that a decision has to be made.

 

[karibritt01]

That is a tough spot to be in, and I am sure you will get varied responses. But one thing immediately comes to mind... what if it had been you that couldn't conceive, and he was thinking of leaving you because of it? Its not as if he changed his mind and is refusing... it is a medical problem beyond his control. I think I would keep talking up the IVF and see if you can get him to change his mind. You could also consider frozen sperm. I had a friend who went that route and it worked out very well for her.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[LivingtheWDWdream]

I think you should decide how much you love the person your married to. If the reasons you married him were to only have a child and not for love then its time to move on, but if you loved the person more then just to have children then the question is if you still love the person. Does he make you happy in every other way other then children? The fact that your even saying you would leave just because he can't give you a child, says a lot but I would hope you love this person more then just as a sperm donor.

But since we don't know your whole life story, and whole marriage story the only thing I can say is you have to follow your heart, the whole thing not just one part that is yearning for a child but what as a WHOLE will make you happy for the Long Run. No one can make your mind up for you. We can only say what we would do and if it were me, then I'd stay with the SO I'm with if I love him, and married him for more then being a baby maker.

JMHO YMMV.

 

[sunnyday123]

Wow. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. He really won't consider IVF?

 

[TAKitty]

LivingtheWDWDream: I understand your point about seeming to only loving him as a baby maker. My real pain comes from the fact that he has two children, so he can't even begin to understand my pain. I think I would feel differently if he never had children and we found out together that we were unable to have one.

 

[mickeyboat]

Why is he against IVF? Is it the expense? Is it because you would have to use donor sperm? Would he consider another procedure using donor sperm?

 

[TAKitty]

Why is he against IVF? Is it the expense? Is it because you would have to use donor sperm? Would he consider another procedure using donor sperm?

He is against it for religious reasons. He is very Catholic and I am not going to change his mind. He says a big NO to donor sperm. I don't have any real options.

 

[kathie859]

But....you would really leave him to find a viable sperm donor?
Over something that is not his fault? That just sounds a little cold to me.

If you're gung ho on a child and would like to try ivf, I'd make another pitch to him about it. Maybe he is not clear on how important having a child of your own is to you. I'd do my research and find out exactly what the expense involved is--then make your best pitch. If it's in your financial means and he STILL says "no". I think you need to rethink your commitment to each other.

I think this is a situation is best discussed with a counselor because somebody is going to be angry. You- because no baby--or him- because he can't father another child easily and you are forcing him to face it.

This is a toughie and I am sorry the answers are not easy. I wish you the very best in working thru this rough marital spot.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm wondering why he is against IVF. Does he know how desperately you want a child? If he does and is still refusing IVF, that would be a reason I'd consider ending the marriage, unless he has very valid reasons.

Ok, I just read it was for religious reasons. I'm sorry, but I really don't know what to tell you. Are you Catholic, also? Could you maybe talk to a priest about it?

 

[GeorgeG]

No matter how you shake it, it comes down to making a choice and even after a ton of advice you are the only one who can decide. Perhaps you can find some quiet time to seriously consider what is really important to you. Any decision is going to have some consequence, be it for the better or worse, so that might be worth some focus.

Not to make this more difficult, but if you choose children over your present marriage, there may be no guarantee you will get what you want in a new husband, etc..

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[TAKitty]

But....you would really leave him to find a viable sperm donor?
Over something that is not his fault? That just sounds a little cold to me.

No, I wouldn't leave to find a sperm donor. I wonder if I'd be happier alone and know that I couldn't have children because I was alone vs. being with someone with children who can't give me children.

I have always known that I wanted to be mother. I envy anyone who doesn't have that strong drive.

PS: I broke down and am seeking the help of a professional on Monday. I also found out that my mom has lung cancer, so this is only one of my issues.

 

[Lil Lil]

I'm so sorry that you are unable to conceive a child. That has to be heartbreaking .

But remember your wedding vows - for better for worse, in sickness and health. Like one person mentioned, what if the shoe was on the other foot. I wouldn't want my DH leaving me due to a medical issue. That would be devastating. It's not like your DH doesn't want any kids. That would be a whole different story. It's a medical issue. Could you be happy not having kids and just enjoying being a step-mom? I know some people who thought they could never have children and years later "surprise" they were pregnant. It's funny because they were content at the thought they weren't going to a mommy. Sometimes things/surprises do happen, just on God's time .

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm so sorry that you are unable to conceive a child. That has to be heartbreaking .

But remember your wedding vows - for better for worse, in sickness and health. Like one person mentioned, what if the shoe was on the other foot. I wouldn't want my DH leaving me due to a medical issue. That would be devastating. It's not like your DH doesn't want any kids. That would be a whole different story. It's a medical issue. Could you be happy not having kids and just enjoying being a step-mom? I know some people who thought they could never have children and years later "surprise" they were pregnant. It's funny because they were content at the thought they weren't going to a mommy. Sometimes things/surprises do happen, just on God's time .

But the doctor's are recommending IVF and he won't do it. That's what gets me. And I know he is against it for religious reasons, but still...

 

[Chernabog#1fan]

No, I wouldn't leave to find a sperm donor. I wonder if I'd be happier alone and know that I couldn't have children because I was alone vs. being with someone with children who can't give me children.

I have always known that I wanted to be mother. I envy anyone who doesn't have that strong drive.

PS: I broke down and am seeking the help of a professional on Monday. I also found out that my mom has lung cancer, so this is only one of my issues.

I do not have an answer on what you should do, but just wanted to say I can understand your need to be a mother. My husband and I can not have our own children, so we are adopting. I was young when the doctors told me I would have a difficult time conceiving a child, so I made sure my husband knew about it and knew that we would more than likely have to adopt.

There is no way I would have married a person who was not open to adoption, so I can understand you not being sure if you can stay with him if he is not willing to go through IVF for you to conceive.

Good luck to you in whatever decision you make and I hope your mom recovers from this.

 

[Sleestack]

Fast forward 15 years. Who will you miss more, him or the "kids".

 

[karibritt01]

He is against it for religious reasons. He is very Catholic and I am not going to change his mind. He says a big NO to donor sperm. I don't have any real options.

Not a criticism, but an observation from a Lutheran... How does he justify going against the Catholic church in some areas, and holding his ground on others? You are a second wife, so there was obviously a divorce. Both are against the Catholic religion. And I am assuming by your original post that you practiced some sort of birth control for at least a while in the marriage. Just wondering how he "picks and chooses" which rules are important to him.

As for talking to the priest... remember the old saying "Better to ask for forgiveness than permission."

But on a more helpful note... you said your DH is too old to be considered for adoption. Is that US only? For the money you would be spending on IVF, you could do a foreign adoption. Might be worth checking into...

 

[TAKitty]

Not a criticism, but an observation from a Lutheran... How does he justify going against the Catholic church in some areas, and holding his ground on others? You are a second wife, so there was obviously a divorce. Both are against the Catholic religion. And I am assuming by your original post that you practiced some sort of birth control for at least a while in the marriage. Just wondering how he "picks and chooses" which rules are important to him.

As for talking to the priest... remember the old saying "Better to ask for forgiveness than permission."

But on a more helpful note... you said your DH is too old to be considered for adoption. Is that US only? For the money you would be spending on IVF, you could do a foreign adoption. Might be worth checking into...

You are right on this and wrong. He went through all the proper paperwork before we were marriend with the church to have his marriage annulled. We have never used birth control and didn't have sex until marriage. Actually foreign adoption has the cut off at 40 something. He is 42. It is very hard because everyone of my friends has children. As a woman it is one of the first questions you are asked.

 

[zachnsamsmommy]

TAKitty....are you looking for a specific country for foreign adoption? I know my neighbors just adopted a little girl from China, and they are both close to 50 and have 3 grown sons. I think the age cutoff varies by country and adoption agency.

(((hugs)))...I hope you can find a solution together.

 

[Liberty Belle]

You are right on this and wrong. He went through all the proper paperwork before we were marriend with the church to have his marriage annulled. We have never used birth control and didn't have sex until marriage. Actually foreign adoption has the cut off at 40 something. He is 42. It is very hard because everyone of my friends has children. As a woman it is one of the first questions you are asked.

So it comes down to paperwork? This, as a non-Catholic just blows my mind.


I am almost positive my uncle adopted (from Korea) after age 40. That was a while ago, though, so maybe rules have changed.

 

[karibritt01]

You are right on this and wrong. He went through all the proper paperwork before we were marriend with the church to have his marriage annulled. We have never used birth control and didn't have sex until marriage. Actually foreign adoption has the cut off at 40 something. He is 42. It is very hard because everyone of my friends has children. As a woman it is one of the first questions you are asked.

Thanks for clearing that up... I really don't understand a lot of the particulars of your faith, as mine is very different in those respects.

What about the possibility of fostering children with the intention to adopt? I don't know how that all works, and I'm sure it changes by state, but it may be something to consider. Or a private adoption through a lawyer? Just trying to throw some ideas out there in the event something gives you some new ideas...