What would you do? - Babies switched?

[browneyes106]

^The movie about the case that involved the girl who died from heart defect was called Switched at Birth. At the end of the movie the other girl who shown in the process of getting to know her biological family while still being with the dad who raised her. I have seen that movie several times and a friend read the book about the case and I read a few articles online and I saw a 20/20 segment about in the mid 90's. The case got extremely complicated over time. The biological parents of the other girl once said in an article that they wanted to change the girl's name to the name of the girl who died if they got custody and once they questioned about what they would have done if the girl they raised hadn't died and the mother replied that she would have kept that girl and filed for custody of her biological daughter and raised the girls as sisters. I remember seeing a 20/20 episode about the case and at the time the surviving girl was bouncing back and forth between families. Years later on CNN I saw a story about the girl's troubles as an adult in which she lost custody of her child and she had legal troubles due to drugs.

I have also seen the movie that the OP mentioned and it is very good. I thought since the boys were 2 they should have been switched back at first but later I liked the arrangment that came out in the end.

Books, TV shows and movies have tackled this subject and similar subjects and often time the children end missing the families that raised them. I think if the children are older like 10 or so I think they should remain with the families that raised him while getting to know their biological families.

 

[browneyes106]

If you enjoyed this movie...read Look Again by Lisa Scottoline. It's about a woman who gets one of those missing children flyers in her stack of mail. When she turns it over the face of her adopted 3 year old son is staring right at her. Excellent book...takes you through the emotions, thinking would I really call the authorities if I knew he/she may actually be this missing child?
That is one of my favorite reads.

I will read that book out sometime soon. I have read similar books and seen TV shows and movies that have dealt with similar subjects involving adoption and kidnapping. I read an article a few months back about a movie that Taylor Launter was attached to star in about a teenage boy who while looking at a missing children's site sees a baby picture that is of him.

 

[EMom]

I think I would want my biological child back. Yes, I'd love and mourn the child I kept for 2 years. But, there are so many more issues to think about than the immediate present. Like biological issues. Medical history and complications. You have to address more than the present. Until you start having medical problems, you do not know how necessary it is to know the family history. Viability & options for transfusions, organ donations, etc.

You can't later down the road, knock on a stranger's door and ask for medical help, when essentially that entire blood line has been a stranger. There is a line in True Blood, "He may be kin, but he's not family."

The fact that one day, if you keep the other child, that child you are raising will have children, who are not biologically related to you. They will not, by blood, be your grandchildren. You don't know if your biological child would form any kind of attachment to you as they grow. Your real grandchildren would then be somewhere else as they grow.

I don't think you can bring in all the usual arguments and fundamentals about loving an adopted child as your own, and of course their children would be your grandkids, too, into this situation.

Adoptions are done with a lot of forethought and consent. In THIS particular instance, the consent was originally taken away when the babies were switched. You didn't have a choice about raising a baby that wasn't yours. You DID conceive of one that was, and all the dreams that go with that.

PLUS, that child you did conceive is very really there. How do you address that in the future? What if that family has more children? What if throughout your biological child's life, they feel they never really fit with that family? And they never really formed a bond with you & your spouse?

Then, there's always the issue, most adopted children usually want to know who their real biological parents are and are like? That there is always a hole in them - no matter how much they love their adoptive parents.

That's a myth. You can file it with "Every man wants a son," and similar beliefs. I've talked to LOTS of adoptees about this subject. Some are intensely curious about their birth family, some mildly curious.....but there are plenty who have zero interest or curiosity at all about their birth families. As for having a "hole" in them.....Sure, some do. But to say they ALWAYS have a hole is just not true. Plenty have adjusted to life hole-free and are quite happy. You can't lump them all into one group. One size does not fit all.

 

[cabanafrau]

Ugh! I cannot even begin to wrap my brain -- or my heart, around what I would, could or should do in these shoes. I hope anyone who finds themselves in a situation like this would work to the best of the children and families involved.

I guess I better say some prayers of thanks that I know for certain the two I brought home are biologically ours -- even though that means they both inherited some of my most annoying traits and therefore drive me crazy on a regular basis. Who knew that could be a blessing?

 

[indimom]

In my opinion the best outcome would be if both families could agree to become one great big blended family. Keeping the child they raised, but also coming together to "share" their biological children.
I would find it very hard to just go about my life knowing that a child of mine was "out there somewhere" and not being able to see that they were okay.

 

[Imzadi]

That's a myth. You can file it with "Every man wants a son," and similar beliefs. I've talked to LOTS of adoptees about this subject. Some are intensely curious about their birth family, some mildly curious.....but there are plenty who have zero interest or curiosity at all about their birth families. As for having a "hole" in them.....Sure, some do. But to say they ALWAYS have a hole is just not true. Plenty have adjusted to life hole-free and are quite happy. You can't lump them all into one group. One size does not fit all.

That's actually good to know. I'm not adopted or have any children so I wouldn't know. You did point out something I hadn't thought of: whenever I had read about this "hole inside" it's always been in stories or articles where the children have been looking for their bio parents. The children without the "hole" wouldn't need to write articles.

 

[Piecey]

That's a myth. You can file it with "Every man wants a son," and similar beliefs. I've talked to LOTS of adoptees about this subject. Some are intensely curious about their birth family, some mildly curious.....but there are plenty who have zero interest or curiosity at all about their birth families. As for having a "hole" in them.....Sure, some do. But to say they ALWAYS have a hole is just not true. Plenty have adjusted to life hole-free and are quite happy. You can't lump them all into one group. One size does not fit all.

That's actually good to know. I'm not adopted or have any children so I wouldn't know. You did point out something I hadn't thought of: whenever I had read about this "hole inside" it's always been in stories or articles where the children have been looking for their bio parents. The children without the "hole" wouldn't need to write articles.

Seconding what EMom said.

My dad's best friend was adopted.
Shortly after I had DS we were all sitting on my parent's back porch and the subject of passports came up and he said something about how he was never going to let his expire because of the headache he went through to get it issued. Apparently his adoption was at birth and all the records weren't as tidy as they should have been so it took almost a year to get his passport issued. I guess they'd had to go back into the adoption file (sealed) to find out his birth name to re-issue the certificate or something. They offered the original to him and he declined it, not wanting to know who his birth parents were.

I was sitting in a rocking chair, holding DS as he slept, and he looked at me and said "I already know who my mother is. She is the woman who held me and rocked me to sleep like you're doing right now."
I'll never forget that. Just one of those moments in my life that stuck with me.

 

[NikitaZee]

I have a three year old - if that happened to me, I'd take him and run, as far away as I could. No way would I give him up.

 

[MistressMerryweather]

I have a three year old - if that happened to me. I'd take him and run, as far away as I could. No way would I give him up.

Same here. I have a little one who will turn 2yo in January. I can't even imagine giving him up, not ever. The best interest of the child would obviously be to remain with the only family they have known, but to grow up knowing the biological parents and family. This...is why people should have homebirths.

 

[Imzadi]

Same here. I have a little one who will turn 2yo in January. I can't even imagine giving him up, not ever. The best interest of the child would obviously be to remain with the only family they have known, but to grow up knowing the biological parents and family. This...is why people should have homebirths.

I always thought: If I have a child born in the hospital, I'd bring some type of indelible marker, dye or tattoo ink, the kind that can't be easily rubbed/washed off skin for several days, and as soon as the kid plopped out, mark him/her right away on the arm or thigh. Then I would keep re-marking the area through our entire stay.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Legally wouldn't the children have to be swapped back? There is no legal adoption after all and at age 2 the damage would be limited wouldn't it?

 

[castleview]

I always thought: If I have a child born in the hospital, I'd bring some type of indelible marker, dye or tattoo ink, the kind that can't be easily rubbed/washed off skin for several days, and as soon as the kid plopped out, mark him/her right away on the arm or thigh. Then I would keep re-marking the area through our entire stay.

They usually ID them right in your hospital room now. Anytime these happen now (even in the Virginia case, I think), foul play would have to be involved.

 

[Northstar]

Legally wouldn't the children have to be swapped back? There is no legal adoption after all and at age 2 the damage would be limited wouldn't it?

Legally, there's no law to cover this. There was no adoption, but there was no kidnapping either... each family took home a baby, named that baby, registered that baby with a birth certificate, and raised a baby. There's no law that says your DNA has to match the parents named on your birth certificate. DNA evidence comes into play only when someone sues... for example, if one set of parents wanted to switch the babies but the other refused.

It's a matter of opinion, but I don't agree that at age 2 the damage would be limited. That's a big trauma, to be removed at that age from all you've ever known and go to a new family. And you can't explain it to a child that age, either... all they know is Mom and Dad aren't there anymore.

I think I could not give up the baby I'd raised and bonded with, so my choice would be not to switch the children back.

 

[castleview]

I'll probably get flamed for this, but in the three case I can remember (Tennessee, Florida, and Virginia), one parent or set of parents was rather unstable or dare I say, selfish. In Tennessee and Virginia, one mom wanted both the babies, while in Florida one of the girls died and the other parents sued to get back their biological daughter even though she was a teenager. I haven't been in this position thank goodness, but I can't imagine uprooting a child or adolescent from their normal life because of my own needs.

 

[DeniseinNS]

I would want my biological child back. I would be very upset giving back the child I had raised but I'm sure the other family would feel the same and I would ask them if our families could be involved in each others lives and still get to be around each other.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

At age 2, there is still time to switch back and have a perfectly normal life (at least this is what I think in my mind would be the case).

I would, however, want to somehow remain friends with the "other family."

I don't even want to think about something so horrific!!

The reason I chose to switch back is because I probably would want other children, and I'd like for them to all be true siblings.

 

[badcramps]

It was interesting reading this thread because I had such a strong immediate reaction and couldn't see how anyone would think otherwise--but many posters did!

I think it would be interesting to know about each poster not just what their answer is, but also other things about them (some posters have mentioned these things)--like were they adopted, did they adopt children/ever consider it, are they gay, were they raised by people who were not blood related to them. I wonder because I suspect these sorts of experiences have a lot to do with how strongly one cares about biology in thinking about family.

I don't have children yet, so of course I think this sort of "what if" is a lot less vivid for me than for people who have raised children who can really imagine what it would be like to hand off their 2 year old to another family. In my thinking, though, the child I raised for 2 years would be *my* child and there's no way in hell I'd give him/her up. I imagine I'd probably feel a certain sort of connection to the other child having carried him/her for 9 months and given birth to her (NOT because I was genetically related, but because of the experience of gestating/giving birth). But I just can't imagine that experience could lead to anything like the emotional connection of raising a baby/child for 2 years. So I agree with some posters that said ideally both families could become very involved with each other so that both children had the chance to develop relationships with all four of the parents.

I also remember watching the tv movie about the two switched girls where one died of a heart problem and talking about it with my mom as a pre-teen. And I had the same reaction thinking about myself in the girls' places--that I just couldn't imagine caring about the biology. That in that situation the people who raised me, who loved me, who I loved were the "real" parents.

Of course, it would be weird if I had the opposite reaction given my own situation in terms of plans to have children. My wife and I are both female so no matter how we have children we cannot both be biologically related to them. So to me having the opposite reaction would essentially be like saying that a child my wife gave birth wouldn't really be mine or that if we both gave birth I'd love the child I gave birth to more. I just can't imagine having such a feeling. (This is why I was wondering about whether people would feel differently about this case depending on whether they are gay or straight. Someone earlier mentioned earlier something about blood being the thing that makes a family. But families of gay couples can never be completely tied by blood, so I imagine a lot of gay people generally would find that suggestion totally foreign to their experience of having, loving, and raising children.)

We also are seriously considering adoption so, again, I think it just makes sense that I feel so strongly in the direction of "the child I raised is *my* child." I suppose if I were to have the reaction of wanting to switch the kids in the situation mentioned in the OP, then adoption probably wouldn't be a very attractive option to me.

I wonder about how this sort of disagreement plays into how custody battles go, or ethical controversies over donating sperm or eggs, or surrogate motherhood, etc. People tend to have very strong and opposed reactions to these things and maybe it comes down to that some of us place a certain importance on biology and some of us don't.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

The reason I chose to switch back is because I probably would want other children, and I'd like for them to all be true siblings.

It's a good thing I gave birth to all my children so they're all true siblings. Would hate for them to be false siblings.


I would keep the child I'd been raising and ideally be able to co-parent with the other family, raising the kids in separate houses, but more or less together. Of course life isn't always ideal.

 

[castleview]

At age 2, there is still time to switch back and have a perfectly normal life (at least this is what I think in my mind would be the case).

I would, however, want to somehow remain friends with the "other family."

I don't even want to think about something so horrific!!

The reason I chose to switch back is because I probably would want other children, and I'd like for them to all be true siblings.

Huh? In this day and age, when children are referring to nonbiological parents who raised them as their parents, you still feel that way? Never heard the line: Two of my four children are adopted. I forgot which two.

 

[Magpie]

I would want to gradually and gently transition each child into the correct home, over a period of a few months.

And then I'd ideally like to maintain a friendly relationship with the other family, so that each child ends up with something like a family and a stepfamily.

Before I had children of my own, I would have thought "family" was all about who's raised you, and I'd have voted for the babies staying where they are. But now that I've raised two teenagers, I can tell you that blood counts for a LOT.

Not to diminish adoption in any way, but I understand now why my best friend in highschool was so excited to get her medical records from her birth parents. She didn't feel any need or desire to "connect" with them, but it meant a lot to her - as a technology-minded girl growing up in a family full of artists and academics - to know that her father was a mechanic. She said suddenly she felt like her desires and talents made sense. She wasn't weird, she was just her father's daughter.

My children are a fascinating mix, not only of me and their dad, but also of their grandparents on both sides. It's really lovely to see echoes of their deceased grandfather in them, particularly my son, who seems to have got the larger dose of his father's side of the family.

So yeah... transition the children back. And hope like heck that the other family are decent folk.