What were your parents like growing up

[Pea-n-Me]

... in relation to what rules you had, or didn't have, and basically, what their parenting styles were like.

(And if you didn't have parents, let us know what the people who raised you were like.)

Also let us know what the time period was, as it can make a difference.

Heck, throw in the region, too!

Oh, and how has this influenced YOUR parenting style?

 

[gwynne]

You first?

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I'll answer. First I have blocked a major part of my childhood and I assume it was because if wasn't the "great" things that happened.

My father worked. 24/7 - if not at work he was at a bar. He didn't really parent and or give out punishments or kudo's but did kick me out of the house at 14 for falling asleep on the couch. He stayed 15 minutes at my high school graduation but never attended anything else.

My mother took us where we wanted to go and went to games if she wasn't catering to my father. She was the one who punished us. We got grounded mostly and sat in our rooms. No TV's or anything back then. I read A LOT. i DID learn a lot reading.

I grew up in the 70s/80s.

To this day I have forgiven my father (he has passed) and did forgive my mother for a long while. She proved me wrong once again and I wish I never had. We no longer have a relationship and I am better off for it.

I raised my children being involved and trusting them as much as I could. They are both great children and make my husband and I proud every day. We hope we instilled in them that parenting is hard but you need to trust them, let them make mistakes, be there to help make things right, no program is to silly to attend, tell them you love them daily and let them be who they are.

 

[HM]

My parents were great.
I was born in '62, so my parents raised me through the 60s and 70s. My mom stopped working as a teacher when I was five and we moved from up north to down south. We travelled a lot in the summers since my dad was a professor. They rarely raised their voices and used psychology on us in their disciplining mostly. We had a few rules that were easy to follow (bedtime, when we had to come in at night, small amount of chores, etc). We had a lot of music in the house. They danced together in the evenings sometimes...love to think of them like that.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I grew up in the greater Boston area in the 70s.

I was the youngest of three, years from the older two.

My parents were permissive. Mainly because they were wrapped up in their own issues and in some ways, I was like an afterthought. (Note not to say they weren't both nice people.) I didn't have many rules, if any. I came and went as I pleased, did what I wanted to do, etc. Basically was on my own. Most of my friends were older so I stayed out late with them and did the types of things they did. I made my share of mistakes, but fortunately I had a pretty good head on my shoulders and turned out ok despite this.

The most stabilizing influence in my life has been my DH, who I met when I was 19.

My parenting style, and DH's, has been hands on; involved. We were that way from the time we had our kids, but having a bout of cancer when they were young sealed my belief that I was given the gift of time and opportunity with them, and I didn't want to blow it. It's sometimes been a struggle (isn't it always, being a parent?) to know what the right thing to do is: balancing caring with growth, learning, independence, etc., especially where this type of thing was lacking in my own teen years, as it was for many of my friends. (My DH always says there must have been something in the water where I grew up, but I think many children of my era grew up that way. Others?) ETA We have rules that we think are reasonable and in their best interest, but we're always open to discussion and can be flexible if necessary. We like to have fun and laugh (or cry) as a family, and make it a point to connect together at least once a day now that everyone is working and running around, etc.

I feel like I've had a lot of good moments in life but raising my kids has been my greatest joy.

At any rate, I can't really relate to overly strict parents, either growing up myself or as a parent now. I'm sure I wouldn't have liked it very much.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You first?

There you go. It took me a while.

 

[luvsJack]

I was born in '63 and graduated in '81. My parents were not overly involved after I turned about 10, mainly because they worked all the time. I had rules. As a teen: couldn't date until 15, midnight curfew unless a reason for it to be later, was supposed to tell them where I was going and who I would be with. I didn't really follow the rules to the letter and did get myself in a few pickles. The biggest being getting pregnant at 17. My mom never really talked to me about things, she just sort of hoped for the best, I think. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and they have always been there for me. I think sometimes they just didn't realize that I was growing up while they were working or didn't want to face it. And I think sometimes that Mom felt so guilty about the working that she didn't want to get in a squabble with me about rules. She let me date some guys that were too old for me, I realize that now that dd is that age, but at the time, I didn't.

The main things I have done differently with my kids is keeping that constant flow of communication going. Making them feel comfortable in always coming to me with whatever is happening. With rules, I am no more strict than they were. Most rules are something that need to be flexible and are always open to discussion in our house. Some (like the older guys for dd) are not flexible but she knows that and I really don't think she would even approach us about something like that.

 

[Stinkerbell92]

My Mom and Dad weren't very strict, but if I did bend one of there few rules I would hear about it. At a very young age I never got a spanking, but would get timeouts where I would have to sit on the steps for 10-20 minutes without getting up. 10-20 minutes for a young kid seems like an eternity. As I became a teenager I was allowed to go places with my friends, but if I ever forgot to tell them where I was going that privilege would be taken away for a week or so. When I was able to start driving they let me drive to Ocean City, MD by myself which is about an hour away from my home growing up. They also knew I did some drinking before the age of 21(mostly from the age of 17 up), but I remember my dad saying if I drink(even 1 alcoholic drink) I was never to drive or he would take away my car. So I never drank while driving. Most of the time I drank at college at parties and just walked back to my dorm room. I really think my parents knew I am a responsible kid and I never got into trouble. Drinking a few cocktails during High School Senior Week and at College Parties is about as bad as I got. So my parents were pretty cool and still are since they still see me as there little girl at the age of 22.

 

[kimblebee]

I was born in the 70's and I'm the oldest of 4. We were raised in Manitoba, Canada.

My parents were pretty strict when I was growing up. Dinners were quiet, spoken when we were spoken to, no horsing around, that type of thing. It was mostly because my dad worked a lot and liked it quiet when he came home. After supper, he would have a few drinks and watch tv. He would do things with us but he was pretty serious.

My mom was a stay at home mom so she was the one who helped us with homework, took us to appointments. She disciplined us too, not just my dad. I was spanked and had the wooden spoon a few times too.

We were definitely allowed to be kids, we didn't have to be quiet all the time..my dad wasn't an ogre either. We always went on vacation for two weeks to a lake and rented a cabin and my dad was always the first to suggest we go fishing or go to the beach. Those vacations are some of my fondest memories.

It's funny, my dad had a heart attack in '97 and he says it's the best thing that happened to him. It made him realize that life is short and not to take things so seriously. He's loosened up a lot and it's good to see.

To finish up my essay LOL I did have a strict upbringing but I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[eliza61]

Whew, that's a hard one. LOL.

My parents were great.

I grew up in New York City.

I grew up in the same building with my entire family darn near. My dad and his sisters moved up to the north from the south to get away from segregation. So I lived in the same building as my grandparents, my 4 aunts and about 16 cousins. If you ever saw the movie "my big fat greek wedding". that's my family only Black. lol

My parents/grandparents/aunts were pretty strict. Southern Baptist meets marine corp drill sergeant. I grew up in the 60's so I think there were a lot more rules back then anyway.

One thing I really appreciate about my parents/family was that they were brutally honest for the 60's. I think they felt they had to be raising kids in NYC in the 60's also there were so many older cousins, they didn't want us to learn about stuff from "knuckleheads" as they would say.

The second thing I really appreciate is the "it takes a village" environment I grew up in. All us kids worked in my grandfather and uncles restaurant. If some one needed money for some thing and one parent didn't have it, some one else covered it. If one kid got ice cream, we all got.
Even now I love that, when my husband got sick, all I had to do was make one text to one cousin. that was it. my family descended on my like locust but my every thing was taken care of.
Of course the bad side ot that is everyone is always in your business. lol

unfortunately/fortunately we got "whipped". no one in my family to this day, does time-outs and definitely no disrespecting your elders.

 

[brb1006]

I'm currently about to graduate High School in a month.


My parents are great and cool.


I remember my mom told me a story about her High School trip to Boston. She told me they we're going to visit Walt Disney World in 1971. But she said they couldn't go because it wasn't "educational" enough. In 1972 the class finally went to Disney World a year after mom graduated. People had no idea what Epcot would do to them in a few years back then.

 

[SEA333]

Detroit suburbs, grew up in the 80's, high school in the early 90's.

I spent the majority of my childhood fearing the next "meltdown" by my mother. She would fly off the handle and go kind of crazy at the drop of a hat. In between times, she was fairly loving (as much as she had in her at least) and caring. She was very involved in our Catholic school and church. A lot of what the public saw of her "loving parenting" was for show, but some of it was real.

My dad worked a lot and wasn't very close to us - he pretty much wanted boys and ended up with 5 girls. He was kind of scary LOL because we were used to my mom yelling and screaming all the time, and he was very quiet and strict when he was mad or disciplining. If my mom was going nuts (like she always was, especially on weekends), if he was home, he would step in and tell her to leave us alone.

My mother decided she wanted to stop being a mother once my older sister and I were old enough to take care of my 3 younger sisters (I was 12), and took off with my Dad's best friend because, as she has told me, she "went through the motions all those years" when we were little and it was *her* time to have a happy life.

Her happy life included marrying the guy and having a baby boy 10 months later, then proceeding to struggle and work just as hard as she did when she was with my dad - except Mr. Stepfather never wanted her 5 daughters in "their" life so he spent his time being a total jerk to us, ignoring us, talking bad about us, being extremely rude and mean to our kids (her grandkids), and generally making us aware of how much he hated sharing her with is to the point we all mostly stopped coming around, only to have this guy cheat on my mother in a BAD way 22 years later (with a family friend), leave her, and get back together with her only after this other woman was diagnosed with cancer. He suddenly "changed" and wanted to show my mom that he was willing to be a civilized human being to us. At that point, I pretty much decided that I have a right to take 25 years to decide whether I wanted to give him the chance to be a civilized human being to me and haven't really had a relationship with her since. When I tried talking to her about it she told me that she has a good life with this man now and aims to keep it that way, and to stop dragging her into my dissatisfaction. I don't have to be told something twice! She made her choice - it is always him. I let this deplorable being enter my kids' life once... I will not make that mistake again.

I have a much better relationship with my dad now. Like my mother, he pretty much just moved on with his girlfriend and left us out of his life, but he was never fake about it. It was what it was, and she has now passed away. Any time I call him, he is happy to hear from me, and he will just show up at the front door (I live 5 hours away!) at random times just because. He is by no means perfect and he's the kind of parent that wants to know that overall, you are OK, but is not really interested in your day to day life. I'm OK with that....it is what it is.

I have taken what my experiences were with my parents and have tried to use what I learned as a what NOT to do lesson with my kids. I will NEVER make my kids feel unwanted and they always come first. DH has been in my life since I was 14 and understands how strongly I feel that we move as a whole family unit and he never pushed me to put him before the kids or leave the kids with a sitter and go out alone all the time. He knows that I will always include the kids in whatever plans we have, and we are both good with this. He grew up in a large family with both parents and they were always together doing things as a family as well. I make sure my kids know that they are the world to me and they and DH will always be put first before anyone else.

DH and I expect our kids to give everything they do 100% and if they do, we will go a million miles to support them. They don't have to be great or perfect at something, they just have to try their best. We expect them to be kind, honorable, and act with integrity. All of our rules pretty much follow suit to the kind of people we want to them to be. Pretty much everything is a case-by-case basis as long as they are acting witht he above-mentioned morals. Obviously rules like no going outside at midnight and no playing with matches are there, but decisions about what they can do, when they can do it, etc are all case-by-case. At least for now....oldest DS is not quite 15 yet.

 

[Saimaeve]

Grew up in the deep South in the 90's

My parents tried hard. They had many demons they were fighting in the form of alcoholism and drug addiction. But I think they tried. ( I was emancipated right around my 17th birthday. My mother and I were not close and I was the root of a lot of her anger. She definitely didn't like the idea of having a daughter. I love her, but we are best when we aren't around one another much)

I had very strict etiquette expectations. Cotillion, etc. I was a debutante

Rules were sort of weird. My brother had lots of issues so a lot of work went into him. I was sort of forgotten about at times. I took care of my little brother. It wasn't the best childhood.

I definitely want a much more involved upbringing for my child. I think my cotillion lessons taught me a lot. And it is something I'd want my child to be involved in.

I'm much more affectionate and hands on with my child. Much more about our bond and less about appearances

 

[FlightlessDuck]

My parents spoiled me a little and were kind of out of touch.

I was born when they were both 35. They were both born in 1941 and I was born in 1976. They were too old to appreciate the early days of rock or the revolutionary attitude of the 60's. So, there was a lot of Frank Sinatra and I Love Lucy in our house when I was growing up.

I am an only child and got kind of spoiled, even when they were short on money.

I never really tried to get away with much of anything, so I'm not sure how to describe them as far as being disciplinarians. They let me stay up later and watch tv I wouldn't have let my kids watch at my age, so I guess they were sort of lenient with me. I never really tried to push it.

 

[usd2bmd]

I was 2nd youngest of 6 and grew up in the 70's and 80's. My mom was a teacher and taught in an inner city school when I was little until a fight broke out between two girls in front of her and she almost got stabbed. She left after that year and for years after didn't teach at all. She eventually found a job at a parochial school making considerably less money.

My father was an auto worker when I was little who didn't really like authority so he and his job soon parted ways.

We didn't have a lot of money and I truly think that by the time I was in the upper grades of elementary school my parents were just tired. I honestly don't remember any rules to speak of and I was pretty much left to my own devices a lot.

Because my mother taught at a parochial school I had the opportunity to attend there. In hindsight I wish I had just stayed at public school. I made friends I still see occasionally but it was extremely clear that I did not belong there. By the time I was in high school my parents had lost their house to forclosure and we had moved from rental to rental several times.

I loved my parents but as time moved on things didn't really change all that much. things got better for a while when one of my brothers took over my parents finances. He paid their bills and budgeted their money, which allowed them to save some and buy some things they wanted/needed.

My childhood was the biggest reason that i didn't want more than one child. The biggest memory for me is the fact that I didn't do much of anything as a child (dance lesson, sports, etc.) because by the time i came along the money had all been spent on my older siblings.

I never wanted money to be the reason my daughter didn't (or doesn't) do something.

 

[ronandannette]

I grew up in the 70's and early 80's. I came from a very traditional, hard-working, God-fearing, rural background and was raised accordingly. I was the apple of my DDad's eye, but being "spoiled" in that context was much different than people might see it today. I was no "snowflake", that's for sure - a lot was expected from me as I was given every advantage; lavished with affection and praise when I earned it and spanked a handful of times when I deserved that. I knew what the expectations were and I took my lumps when I violated them. The entire extended family and community at large held kids to account - that's how it was done in those days. I adored my parents and thank the Lord every day for them. I can only hope to be as dedicated, selfless and truly loving as they were.

OTOH, at the time, especially during my adolescence, I thought there couldn't possibly be anybody more obtuse, unsophisticated, unyielding, embarrassing and downright irksome on earth. In this regard, since my DS feels the same about me, perhaps I am on the right track after all!

 

[aaarcher86]

Mine were involved. Not overly strict I guess, but I wish they would have trusted me to make the right decisions more versus micromanaging. Mum forced Catholicism on me which I shunned the second I turned 18.

My dad was way more laid back than my mom. I think he just realized that I was exactly like him, and the more he pushed the more I'd resist. He died when I was 19, but after high school he was one of my best friends. I have a letter he wrote for a school retreat and it's probably my most prized possession.

My mom, a lot of times was more of a friend. Still great. I was a hard kid. Grounding didn't work with me. I put her through a lot.

They worked their asses off to make sure I got to do everything I wanted. Both were very supportive - at every game, coaching, etc.

Great childhood. Not many complaints. Born in the mid 80s.

 

[Andtototoo]

I grew up in the 1960s-70s. My father was barely involved in my life; my mother was involved with one activity. I was not allowed to participate in any activity that inconvenience them in the slightest. My parents were illogical, plus ridiculously strict and controlling. They were very much "Because I said so" parents on EVERY topic with no explanation or reasoning behind their dictates. Even if you asked for the reasoning, they would refuse "on principle" to give it. They believed that as parents they did not have to explain their values or reasoning -- we were just supposed to accept it without question. As my father said, "I am God in your life, follow and obey." What he was, was an idiot.

Because I was not a submissive passive robot the way he wanted and because my very mild questioning resulted in draconian punishments. I found ways to get what I needed or wanted without their knowledge. Basic, reasonable things like having my shirt unbuttoned to my collarbone or staying out past 9pm when I was 18. (What a harlot I was. Insert eyerolling emoticon here). I learned to disrespect them, to believe that they had no logic or reasoning behind their dictates but were rather acting from impulse and ill-founded thought processes, to sneak around, to lie effectively, and to hate dictatorial attitudes with a passion.

Because I was lying and sneaking around, I could have ended up inadvertently in dangerous situations and they would have had NO idea where I was or with whom. They are (and I am) very lucky that my "acting out" was very mild and never self-destructive, because I know many other kids with parents like that who in rebellion ended up hurting themselves and others.

Interestingly enough my younger sister was not governed by these same rules. Totally different life experiences with my parents.

 

[elaine amj]

Growing up, I thought my mother was absolutely amazing and perfect (yes, even in my teens). Now, all grown up, I see her a little more clearly. She did her best and loved us a lot (to my perspective anyway, my brother often saw a different angle of her). She worked and I remember her big thing was to "spend quality time" with us. Sundays were family days and the vast majority of the time, we spent it together.

She did not tolerate disrespect and it was rare for my brother and I to be rude to her (although occasionally we would get into loud arguments). Still, she was lenient and could always be persuaded with "reasonable discussions" (something my brother unfortunately never perfected). I did, so I mostly got to do what I wanted. I remember when I was 17 (our legal drinking age was 18), I convinced her to let me go out to bars "to get it out of my system". She let me, and it worked - by the time I was 18, I no longer had any interest. (eeekk..I honestly don't know if I could let my own DD when the time comes!). I was always allowed to visit friends or have friends over whenever. When I was 16/17, I was also the only girl allowed to go to the Mall (down the street from my school) after school every day. I don't think my mom realized that LOL (she was surprised when I brought it up in passing last year). I would just hang out with a group of guy friends until my mom picked me up after work. She trusted me and I liked that (I would say about 90% of the time I was up front with her). I had (and still do) a very good relationship with her through most of my life.

My dad left when I was 14 and parented from afar. We saw him 1x a week so certainly nothing to get into any arguments about. I love my dad but he certainly doesn't get involved in our daily lives and never has. For the last 20 years, I have talked to him about 2-3 times a year, usually around birthdays. When I was little, he was mostly a loving father, just not particularly involved. We had great times when we were together. Just the type of person he is.

For myself, I am a pretty relaxed and lenient parent. I don't tend to stress over too much. I try to stay pretty involved in my kids lives and keep the lines of communication open. I do find that as the kids grow older we all get involved in our own things so my strategy is to plan lots and lots and lots of vacations (which I like) which "forces" us to spend time focusing only on each other. We used to do this in other ways, but for now, the constant travels (we go on a mini trip every few weeks at least)work for us. I recognize that I am not the most maternal person in the world and could never live my life "solely focused on my children", but I try to pay attention when it matters and ensure my kids have a happy childhood and a solid upbringing. I go to games and am sacrificing a precious vacation day to chaperone my DD's grade 8 trip because she wants me there.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Born in 72 in Western NY. Very smal town outside of Buffalo. I would say they were pretty free range. I am sure mostly on the account of parental laziness.