What was the most helpful after you had your first baby?

[postesf]

Hello! My dear friend just found out she is pregnant. I want to help her out after the baby arrives, but I'm not sure what to do. I had thought trying to come over once or twice a week to help clean, wash clothes, cook... I've thought of doing this the first few weeks, but now I am thinking of maybe giving them a week or two to settle in and then try to help... I will obviously talk to her to see what she thinks and what she needs.

I was wondering what you have found the most helpful or wish someone would have done for you. I've hear some people say that the inlaws came and stayed and instead of doting over the baby, they cleaned, did laundry, ran errands and they found that very helpful without being intrusive.

What about you?
Stacie

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I was personally very stubborn with my first and didn't take help. Before the baby is born, I would offer just "time". Maybe a few days per week where you could go and let her nap and know that the baby is being cared for. If the baby is being good and maybe even sleeping, do up the dishes, etc.

You are a good friend, hopefully your friend will let you help.

 

[megthewonderful]

The most helpful thing after having all of my kids was when our wonderful friends and family brought us dinner. We has some people who brought us dinner over nice and hot and others who preferred to make some meals in advance that we put in our freezer. Not having to worry about making dinner at night while adjusting to a new baby is priceless!

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with the PP - I was very grateful to take naps! If the baby is sleeping, help clean up, ask what she needs from the grocery store before you arrive (including lunch for her - I felt like all I ate was cheese those first couple of weeks!). Tell her to hold off showering until you get there.

 

[cheermom1]

I know for me, my mom tried to do everything from feed the baby to bathing her ...I needed to be doing those things and learning how to do them..I had to make her leave so i could learn to be a mommy...

when my dd has her first (many years from now) I will be there for her but I will show her how to do those things and encourage her that she can even if the baby cries every time she tries (that was one of the reasons my mom did everything she screamed every time I tried) ..

I also remember my MIL giving me advise to settle her down ...she said to give her onion tea???

that is my best advise to be there for her but let her be a mommy...

you are such a good friend

 

[glitterkittyy]

Every Friday for the first several months, my brother and SIL would take the baby either for the evening or overnight (my choice). It allowed DH and I to have some alone time and/or catch up on some sleep. I loved that!

 

[JessicaR]

My children are 12 and 16, its been a while! The thing hat comes to mind is being able to take a NAP! That was way up high on the wish list. After that having prepared meals was wonderful too.

Very nice of you to be so considerate.

 

[RadioNate]

Food! Bring food! Dinners, lunches, snacks, take out menus and phone numbers. That was the worst. Also people will be coming in and out, inlaws, friends, etc. Keep that pantry stocked for guests dropping by.

The other huge thing is sleep. I didn't really like to nap while a friend was there, even if they were there to help. I just felt weird about it. Hopefully, your friend won't. If there is any way you can clean, do laundry or babysit while she sleeps that would be great.

 

[crispychicky]

What a thoughtful friend you are!!!

Personally, I wish I had some help just BEFORE the baby came. I would have loved for someone to come over to our place and do a good power-cleaning just before the baby arrived. No way could I have scrubbed the floors/bathrooms/etc being 9 months pregnant. DH tried, but his idea of "clean" is different than mine. Still, I was thrilled that he made the effort.

I think what you mentioned about the inlaws helping with things is only true in some cases. Some people's families are great help, while others only want to hold the baby and not much more. You friend may still need some help the first few weeks. If not, you may want to pitch in when her families leave.

Congrats to your friend!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am going to sound terrible here but the best thing imo would be to leave them alone. I did not want company every single week. Of course we didn't say no but I really wanted quite time alone. I didn't want to pass my baby around, I didn't need help cleaning or doing laundry (dh is awesome), I just wanted to relax and had no desire to have anyone watch my child while I slept. If you want to do something then cook a bunch of meals and send them over before the baby is born so the first week nobody has to worry about dinner.
That's how I felt but others are different.

 

[surfergirl602]

One of my friends came over, brought me pizza and soda, told me to go watch a movie and she went into my bedroom and folded all the laundry and had the baby in there with her. It was the sweetest thing, I got to relax, actually eat some hot food, and I took a long shower, too. It was simple, but it was the greatest thing to me at the time.

 

[Piecey]

Laundry!

I had a c-section and then my gallbladder out shortly after. My mom came and did our laundry. I couldn't really stretch to fold or lift the baskets and it was wonderful to not have a mountain of dirty clothes when I finally felt good again.
She did take some laundry back to her house to do it, so she wasn't so much 'intruding' on our time as a family.

Also, my Aunt made us a wonderful homemade lasagna. She met my mom at our house the day I was discharged and it was here in the oven with the table set and ready to go when we walked in. It was wonderful.

 

[minniebeth]

When I had my children the best things I could have gifted to me would have been sleep...to take care of the baby for a little while (awake, not during naps ), to have some meals prepared, while not having to really feel like I have to entertain the people who are helping.

You are a great friend for even asking how you can help! Not everyone is fortunate enough to have the help. I was very greatful for everything everyone did for us.

 

[Piglet]

Food, Laundry & running my other DD to/from school. It was nice to just focus on the baby for a week.

 

[diznygirl]

I agree with food, laundry and letting her shower or rest while you take care of the baby. For the food, if she's breastfeeding remember to avoid things that could be spicy or gassy (onions, peppers, broccoli)

I had none of those things done for me cuz MIL offered to help. So she watched TV and made dinners with lots of onions....

 

[NAB]

I am going to sound terrible here but the best thing imo would be to leave them alone. I did not want company every single week. Of course we didn't say no but I really wanted quite time alone. I didn't want to pass my baby around, I didn't need help cleaning or doing laundry (dh is awesome), I just wanted to relax and had no desire to have anyone watch my child while I slept. If you want to do something then cook a bunch of meals and send them over before the baby is born so the first week nobody has to worry about dinner.
That's how I felt but others are different.

I totally agree this. I would not have napped if someone was there, I would feel like I would have to entertain them if they were there even if they were there for me. And wouldn't want people to see my "laundry"

 

[paintnolish]

Sleep! Offer to come over and watch the baby while she naps. I know, I know...they say you should sleep while the baby sleeps. That didn't work for me that well because the slightest little grunt or noise from the baby would wake me up. Then, even though the baby might be just making noise and not waking up yet, I was up. It was awesome to nap knowing someone else would deal with the baby until I woke up.

 

[acename]

I agree with the meals. My sister got about 10 people from our church together and they coordinated meals for about 2 weeks for us. That was so great.

I also agree with the PP who said something about cleaning before the baby arrives. I'm 36.5 weeks pregnant with my second child, and I have no energy to clean the house. I'm a SAHM and after taking care of my daughter all day, we're lucky to have clean clothes and food to eat. I figure that's the bare minimum I can do at this point. I would love for someone to come over and vacuum and dust and clean the kitchen and things like that for me.

You're a great friend to want to help!

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

bring a meal and don't say to her, "Let me know when you'd like me to bring a meal..." because most likely she won't... You say, "I want to bring you a meal this week--tell me which day works best for you..."... If she is breastfeeding, she may be avoiding spicy/ alcohol/ gas-inducing foods/ dairy etc..... keep those things in mind.... you're an awesome friend!!

 

[minkydog]

I am going to sound terrible here but the best thing imo would be to leave them alone. I did not want company every single week. Of course we didn't say no but I really wanted quite time alone. I didn't want to pass my baby around, I didn't need help cleaning or doing laundry (dh is awesome), I just wanted to relax and had no desire to have anyone watch my child while I slept. If you want to do something then cook a bunch of meals and send them over before the baby is born so the first week nobody has to worry about dinner.
That's how I felt but others are different.

This is the way I felt. I didn't want someone coming in an moving my stuff around and handling my laundry. And I sure didn't want someone coming in and handling my baby! I slept when the baby slept. I really didn't even like people bringing meals. I was nursing and DS was sensitive to certain foods. It was better for me to cook for myself.

OP, perhaps you can offer to drive your friend to the doctor or pick up something from the store. Ask her what she thinks would be helpful to her. One of the greatest gifts I received was some restaurant gift cards. DH would order and go pick up, then we would eat at home. Worked great!