What was the most helpful after you had your first baby?

[MiniGirl]

I didn't have anyone other than dh there to help. Frankly, that was how we preferred it. Like others mentioned, I wouldn't want someone folding my laundrry or cleaning my house, etc. I also wouldn't sleep while someone was in my house. I would want to visit with them. My dh travels a lot with his job, so adult conversation is always appreciated when he is gone. I would've loved it though if someone had called to say, "I'm on my way to the grocery. Can I get anything for you?" (Dry cleaners, drug store, post office, etc.) Having someone offer to run those errands would've been nice.

My mom passed away before my first child was born, but she went to all my brothers homes and cooked and cleaned when her grandchildren were born. All of my SILs really appreciated her being there. She did not care for the baby unless asked to. It was hard because she wanted to love on her grandchildren, but knew it was more important for mom and dad to do that.

 

[postesf]

These are really great suggestions! I really appreciate them!

THANKS to everyone who said I was a good friend. I try and I really want to be helpful!

Stacie

 

[DMRick]

My husband and I just spent two weeks oveseas with my son and his wife and their new baby (her insistance..I told her I thought it would be too long for her, but I think it went well). She had a c section and had some problems so we tried to help with whatever she needed. They set up the Christening for when we were there, was was very touching for us.

I prepared food with DH help at the barbeque, and hubby and I did the clean up after meals, emptied the dishwasher, the laundry, folding, vaccuming..whatever it looked like they needed. We did as much of the late night up with baby, so they could get some solid sleep in, not worrying about baby, and took over when our son went to work, so mommy could sleep in after being up in the middle of the night. We knew we could come home and catch up on sleep, but they were in it for the long run.

We tried to give them alone time. When we were leaving she thanked me over and over for the help, so hopefully we did it right.

If I had to just pick a couple of things she really needed help with, it's the food and the laundry (can be very overwhelming for a new mom). I know our circumstances were different, as we were there full time, but sleep was really good for both mom and dad.

We really appreciated getting to know our new granddaughter and growing to love my daughter in law even more for sharing her with us. In three weeks my daughter and her family are going for a one week visit, and my daughter is all prepared to cook and clean for them as well.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Bringing dinner is always nice. In fact, I have been to baby showers where a few nice people showed up with a gift and a frozen casserole. I agree with the idea of "what night this week is good for me to bring dinner". Makes it definite but lets the new parents be in control of when is the best time.

I think different friends can get by with doing different things. I have some friends I am fine with if they came over after I had just given birth, maybe saw me sleep deprived, unshowered and not at my best! Others, I wouldn't feel as comfortable with having them over to do things like laundry or cleaning.

You are a good friend!

 

[PollyannaMom]

Hello! My dear friend just found out she is pregnant. I want to help her out after the baby arrives, but I'm not sure what to do. I had thought trying to come over once or twice a week to help clean, wash clothes, cook... I've thought of doing this the first few weeks, but now I am thinking of maybe giving them a week or two to settle in and then try to help... I will obviously talk to her to see what she thinks and what she needs.

I was wondering what you have found the most helpful or wish someone would have done for you. I've hear some people say that the inlaws came and stayed and instead of doting over the baby, they cleaned, did laundry, ran errands and they found that very helpful without being intrusive.

What about you?
Stacie

I agree with meals. When DS was born, Nana came briefly, did the proper ooh-ing and aah-ing of course, but mostly cooked - she was only here for 2 days, but we ate for the rest of the week what she left us! It was such a relief not to have to worry about dinner at the end of very new days.

 

[labdogs42]

bring a meal and don't say to her, "Let me know when you'd like me to bring a meal..." because most likely she won't... You say, "I want to bring you a meal this week--tell me which day works best for you..."... If she is breastfeeding, she may be avoiding spicy/ alcohol/ gas-inducing foods/ dairy etc..... keep those things in mind.... you're an awesome friend!!

This

This is the way I felt. I didn't want someone coming in an moving my stuff around and handling my laundry. And I sure didn't want someone coming in and handling my baby! I slept when the baby slept. I really didn't even like people bringing meals. I was nursing and DS was sensitive to certain foods. It was better for me to cook for myself.

OP, perhaps you can offer to drive your friend to the doctor or pick up something from the store. Ask her what she thinks would be helpful to her. One of the greatest gifts I received was some restaurant gift cards. DH would order and go pick up, then we would eat at home. Worked great!

and this. I didn't want anyone to do anything for my baby except for ME and DH! I LOVED the restaurant gift cards that our friends sent to us (they even made sure they were for places with carside serivice, so DH could go pick the food up and I wouldn't even have to go out if I didn't want to!).

These are really great suggestions! I really appreciate them!

THANKS to everyone who said I was a good friend. I try and I really want to be helpful!

Stacie

You sounds like an awesome friend. We don't know your friend, so talk to her and see what she thinks would be helpful. As you can tell from this thread already, some peopl elike having people around right after they have a baby and some do not. Some like letting someone watch their newborn for them so they can take a nap, some do not. Now you have some things to talk to her about. She may not even know how she feels about some of this until after she has the baby, so just keep the conversation going and keep supporting her in whatever parenting decisions she makes. I'm sure you'll be a big help with whatever she asks you for!

 

[vettechick99]

What I wanted when I had DD was someone to come in and feed me, keep the house clean, and stay out of the way until I needed them. I could take care of DD on my own, but didn't want to deal with the rest of reality.

You are a sweet friend!!

 

[Nancyg56]

I am going to sound terrible here but the best thing imo would be to leave them alone. I did not want company every single week. Of course we didn't say no but I really wanted quite time alone. I didn't want to pass my baby around, I didn't need help cleaning or doing laundry (dh is awesome), I just wanted to relax and had no desire to have anyone watch my child while I slept. If you want to do something then cook a bunch of meals and send them over before the baby is born so the first week nobody has to worry about dinner.
That's how I felt but others are different.

I agree that this is how I would feel but your friend may be different. A friend of mine is due in April and I have already told her that I will do whatever she needs me to do, come over if she needs help or sleep, cook or take her little girl for some Nana time.

It was a long time ago but one thing that I remember I loved with my first baby was a gift for me. I was so grateful for a set of Jean Nate. It was a little thing but as a very young mother I thought that everything should be for the baby. My neighbor told me that I needed to remember that I needed a little TLC. To this day I try to bring something for the new Mom and if there is a big brother or sister I also bring something for them.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

One of my friends came over, brought me pizza and soda, told me to go watch a movie and she went into my bedroom and folded all the laundry and had the baby in there with her. It was the sweetest thing, I got to relax, actually eat some hot food, and I took a long shower, too. It was simple, but it was the greatest thing to me at the time.

That sounds good to me! I didn't really get help when DD was born other than being driven back and forth to the NICU, so I didn't get any of the "luxuries." This would have been amazing, though!!

This time I'm gonna need help keeping DD occupied!

 

[Pig Pen]

I agree with the PP - I was very grateful to take naps! If the baby is sleeping, help clean up, ask what she needs from the grocery store before you arrive (including lunch for her - I felt like all I ate was cheese those first couple of weeks!). Tell her to hold off showering until you get there.

OMG, I remember how difficult it was to find time to shower! It seems like such a simple thing, but there were always about 100 other things that had to get done first.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Right after my kids were born everyone would offer to come over and hold the baby so I could do other stuff. What I wanted desperately was other people to come over and do the chores around my house so I could hold and enjoy my new baby without exhaustion. So now, when I go to visit a new baby I take a gift for 12 months, a dinner or 2 and ask, what do you want me to do? Clean? Do Laundry? Cook?

In fact, when my preemie DD was born I remember being asked what I wanted, and I said "MERRY MAIDS!" to come in once when I was in the hospital and once 2 weeks after I got out.

 

[Nancy]

I am going to sound terrible here but the best thing imo would be to leave them alone. I did not want company every single week. Of course we didn't say no but I really wanted quite time alone. I didn't want to pass my baby around, I didn't need help cleaning or doing laundry (dh is awesome), I just wanted to relax and had no desire to have anyone watch my child while I slept. If you want to do something then cook a bunch of meals and send them over before the baby is born so the first week nobody has to worry about dinner.
That's how I felt but others are different.

I'm with you. I didn't mind people stopping over to visit for a little bit but I didn't need or want anyone helping me, family came over but I don't remember that anything out of the ordinary was done. I slept when DH was home to help me out.

 

[MickeyShow]

I would wait until after the baby is born and see if she prefers help around the house or help with the baby. Everyone is different. Also everyone gets help right after the baby is born but that's when I know I was more stubborn and insisting I was supermom. Around 3-4 weeks would really be a great time to offer up your services again, the novelty has worn off for most people but the exhaustion has set in for the new mom. Food is always great and offering her and her husband a chance to get out alone, even just to run errands, is always nice. I know for me I stopped working and was not used to being home so much, especially with a newborn you don't want to go out much. I would have loved someone to just come over and hang out and talk to me for a while. I really missed that socialization.

 

[busyshrew]

I agree with food, laundry and letting her shower or rest while you take care of the baby. For the food, if she's breastfeeding remember to avoid things that could be spicy or gassy (onions, peppers, broccoli)

I had none of those things done for me cuz MIL offered to help. So she watched TV and made dinners with lots of onions....

I think each mom is very different, you won't know what the best thing really will be until after the baby comes. For example, I hate having other people do my laundry. The thought of another person handling my family underwear is just ... ick. And my DD was a preemie, so most of my friends were too scared to try and watch her for me.

But my MIL was very kind and sent over lots of homemade meals that were all made up, just ready to microwave. (No onions ). That helped a lot.

Also, does your friend have a dog? Because in the rush & fuss over a new baby, sometimes the dog could use a bit of attention and the parents don't have the time for it. Sounds bizarre, but one of the best gifts I got was when a girlfriend came by right after the baby was born and took my high-energy dog out for a nice long 2 hour hike and returned her all tired out and happy.

 

[ShootingStarMom2]

Here's what I did for my best friend. I got 3 shopping bags full of food that didn't take long to make or could just be heated up. I also cooked some things that I knew she liked. I just dropped them off and left. I knew she was having family over later that day and she was tired.

I attached a letter to the front of the bag with a photo of my new little "niece" and what the bag had in it (sort of like a scrapbook page). Here are some of the things I gave and some things I got as a gift in return.

Pancake mix, syrup
Cereal
Spaghetti sauce, pasta (2 boxes), french bread
Potato Casserole (frozen)
Lunch meat, cheese, sandwich rolls
Loaf of Panera sourdough bread, dozen bagels, cream cheese
Jello
Pizza kit, mozzarella cheese
Vegetables
Pudding
Apples
Oranges
Bananas
Ritz Crackers, oyster crackers
Cheddar cheese
Homemade Chili (frozen into 2 tubs. More for DH... he was happy for guy food!)
Rice, soup
Microwave popcorn
Healthy Choice meals (these were great once DH went back to work and I was starving!)
Yogurt
Ice cream, cookies
Greenbean casserole

If you've seen her and her home at their worst and she could care less, then I would say you'll get away with doing more. If she won't let you in the door before she's showered and cleaned up, then plan something simple.

 

[Mickey Fliers]

Meals and a maid! Some prepared meals that are ready to go are fabulous. A maid that comes in when the baby is about 1 week old...amazing.

 

[aprilgail2]

I am going to sound terrible here but the best thing imo would be to leave them alone. I did not want company every single week. Of course we didn't say no but I really wanted quite time alone. I didn't want to pass my baby around, I didn't need help cleaning or doing laundry (dh is awesome), I just wanted to relax and had no desire to have anyone watch my child while I slept. If you want to do something then cook a bunch of meals and send them over before the baby is born so the first week nobody has to worry about dinner.
That's how I felt but others are different.

I agree- I did not want anyone in my house doing things other than stopping by for a short visit. The baby slept most of the time as a newborn so there was plenty of time to shower, do laundry and cook. Since it was just me and her there was not much cleaning that needed to be done, I would clean up as I went. It would have been nice to have a few gift cards to places that deliver in case I didn't feel like cooking that night but thats about all I would want. Sometimes I would take a short nap with her during the daytime- she was up every 2 hours at night to eat but fell right back asleep after eating but I didn't fall back asleep as easy LOL...

 

[DisneyKT]

Everyone is different just ask. What helped me the most was having food dropped off. My sister made me a few meals and so did my friends. That was one less thing I had to worry about. Plus my MIL had come by and cleaned for me. That was great. Also I didn't mind the company. I was a hurting pretty bad, so it was nice to have some help. I would just and see what they would like.

 

[locolala]

This is my first, so I don't know exactly yet what I'll be wanting, but from what I can tell it'll be nice to have some meals that are easy to warm up. The laundry help would be amazing too, since I'm having a c/s. DH only gets 10 days paternity leave from the military, and my best friend is going to help me out once he has to go back to work. I'm guessing there's no way I'll possibly be able to do chores 10 days out from a c/s!

 

[luvmyfam444]

The best for me was my mom moving in for 2 weeks - my dh did not take off work (he was off when I went in to have her & like the next day but that was it)- he was just as clueless as me & my mom had been thru it a few times before. When she got ready to leaave THEN dh took his time off.

And yes, my mom did all the cleaning & she'd take baby & get her diaper changed & ready & then would bring her to me - in the bed - on the couch - whatever so I could nurse.

Mom also helped keep up with gifts, people coming with meals,& phone calls.

Your friend is not gonna think she needs any help - so she might turn you down - but just try to schedule to come over on day 2 & day 4, etc - but you may have to talk to her dh.....and depending on if its a csection how her recovery is