What to do?

[piney]

My 86 y.o. grandfather hasn't been well all summer. I know I've probably been in denial about how bad he really was, but last week the nursing home discharged him because he refuses to eat and his lab work was really high. The doctor recommended sending him to an endocrinologist, but they decided there was no point in sending him because there isn't anything they could really do for him. So they dicharged him home and called in hospice. Yesterday, my mom says hospice is giving him about a week to live. We're supposed to be leaving on Friday for 5 days in WDW and she wants to know what we're going to do if he dies before we leave or while we're gone? The "while we're gone" isn't really the problem, we'll be back long before the funeral, but if he dies before we leave am I obligated to cancel the trip to be supportive to my family? Support is really all I'd be because my father and my aunt would be handling all the important decisions.

I've known for a year that my grandfather probably wouldn't be around much longer, so I've had the attitude everytime I see him that it may be the last time. I didn't go see him in the nursing home because, frankly, they gross me out and it was a pain to try and visit because the kids would be bored out of their skulls. I really don't want to see him in his deteriorated condition, not that he would even know I was there because he sleeps 24 hrs a day now. Also, I'd rather that not be the last image my children have of their great-grandfather. (Believe me I know how this sounds.)

I don't want my father to think that I don't care, but at the same time:

1. I really really really want to go.
2. My husband already took the time off.
3. The trip is already paid for and while we have trip cancellation insurance, it's through AIG and aren't they one of the insurance companies that's in deep do do right now? What if they refuse to refund our money saying it was a "pre existing condition"?
4. We've had to tell our kids they couldn't do a lot of things in the last year because we couldn't afford it (I'm unemployed). My daughter's brownie troop was going to see Disney on Ice Friday, but I didn't buy her a ticket because I knew we were going to be gone. If I cancel the trip, (she doesn't know about it), she'll think she didn't get to go on the field trip because we couldn't afford it and I don't want her to feel excluded.

I really get the feeling your mind was made up before you asked here.

 

[just4today]

I really get the feeling your mind was made up before you asked here.

I think so too.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

My mom died 4 years ago and if my nieces and nephews chose a vacation over going to her funeral I would have been very upset with my sisters and my nieces and nephews. As your parent I would also be hurt of your choice. I am sure you could post-pone the trip and even your plane tickets due to the circumstances. Only you can decide what is right. If it were me, I would post-pone. Family is more important than a trip is.

 

[Tricia819]

I know my grandfather would've wanted me to go. Nothing short of an act of God would stop him and my grandmother from going to S. Padre every winter, he even tried to go by himself after she passed, long after when he shouldn't have been driving, he ended up lost in Indiana and ended up coming home, he lost his driver's license shortly after.

For those of you who are "offended" that this is even a dilemma, I assumed by purchasing trip insurance we would be covered, alas now when we need it we find out that isn't the case at all and the idea of wasting $1000 makes me physically ill.

 

[Tricia819]

I really get the feeling your mind was made up before you asked here.

Well I assure you IT WASN'T/ISN'T.

 

[piney]

The way I see it, your grandfather isn't here to know what you do. On the other hand, your parents are and it seems they want you to be there but don't want to come right out and say it. I would respect my parents wishes.

 

[tlens]

I would scarifice $1000 to be there for my family. There could be alot of hurt feelings....even if they tell you to go.

 

[I_Know_You2!]

Why bother going to the funeral if you couldn't bother visiting him when he was alive? Hope your grandkids are kinder, but really you've already taught your kids what counts.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I think one thing to remember with these posts is that families are different with funerals. There is no doubt in my mind that both of my parents and all grandparents would want me to go on my vacation. They would just say postpone the funeral for a few days. This would be especially true for someone who has lived a long, happy life. If it was a sudden, unexpected death, I think it would be different.

I am also sure that my DH's family would be the opposite. They would want us back as soon as possible.

Best of luck with your decision, and I am sorry for your loss.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Why bother going to the funeral if you couldn't bother visiting him when he was alive? Hope your grandkids are kinder, but really you've already taught your kids what counts.

Geez..Some people are a little harsh...We visited my grandmother in her nursing home every weekend and holidays. She had a massive stroke. She couldn't speak and had no control over bodily functions. We watched her get worse over the years...Losing limbs to gangrene. I think I was 12 when she had an accident in her wheelchair while we were visiting and my dad had to go and get a nurse to get her cleaned up.

Sorry for the graphic depiction, but I will never subject my kids to that. I would of rather remembered my grandmother as the vibrant woman that taught us to swim and make crafts and pinics on the livingroom floor while she was babysitting.

To the OP, please go on your vacation and enjoy yourself..Your grandfather had a long life (at 86). He would want you to enjoy yours.

 

[I_Know_You2!]

I didn't go see him in the nursing home because, frankly, they gross me out and it was a pain to try and visit because the kids would be bored out of their skulls.

Not gangrene. And just because a person has a stroke doesn't mean that family isn't still important to them. Sometimes it isn't all about you.

 

[WL Fan]

Wow. I guess I think that not going to see a loved one in the nursing home because they're ill and not like we want to remember them is cold. Yup, people get old, and feeble, and need help doing basic things. Ignoring that fact is just plain cold.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

There are things that go on in Nursing homes that frankly little children shouldn't have to see. Not sure if you've ever been in one..but I can guarentee that.

An Adult can visit, children shouldn't

 

[I_Know_You2!]

I disagree. Children are a part of the circle of life. They shouldn't know that people become ill, or have problems as they age? WTH? Why not?

eta: Yes, I've spent a great deal of time in nursing homes, as have my kids. We were all with my grandma when she passed. It was a comfort to her, and the kids learned a great deal. They were also a blessing to the other's in grandma's unit.

 

[just4today]

I disagree. Children are a part of the circle of life. They shouldn't know that people become ill, or have problems as they age? WTH? Why not?

eta: Yes, I've spent a great deal of time in nursing homes, as have my kids. We were all with my grandma when she passed. It was a comfort to her, and the kids learned a great deal. They were also a blessing to the other's in grandma's unit.

I agree with this. I understand not taking very young children, but I don't think older children should necessarily be shielded from these things.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I guess its all about what you want to subject your children to at a young age.. Why not take them to a morque for that matter, people die right? Or a crime scene..People get killed right? They absolutely can know that people become ill and die...sure. Do they have to watch it?

My experience maybe a little different that the OP. My grandmother lost half her brain..She had no idea we were there... Meanwhile we had to listen to a woman in the hallway scream at the top of her lungs for hours..and she would grab at you when you walked by.

Nope sorry. You're welcome to subject your children to that "Circle of life"

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

My family, like I said, is more of the "Celebrate Life" type of family. I know many families would disagree, and that is fine for their family, but my family doesn't think of it in that way. Does that mean I don't love my family? Not at all. I admit I am probably the wrong person to talk about family as I have almost none, but the little I have I love beyond words. My great grandmother is still alive, she is 96. I know every time I see her may be the last and that makes me sad as I live 8 hours away and don't see her often, but it's also kind of nice to know that everytime I leave her looking beautiful, healthy and happy that if it is the last time I see her, I will have a wonderful last image of her in my head. (Please don't misunderstand, I hope to see her many more times...)
I personally (again, just me), never liked the idea of seeing someone for the last time laid out. They don't look like themselves and I personally believe that they are no longer there, just the body that they lived in.
My husband's only sibling, his brother, died shortly after my husband and I married. I had only met him a couple of times as he and my husband were both in the military. The image I have of him is not a pleasent one. When I think of him I think of hime lying in the casket, looking nothing like the guy I vaguely remember meeting. I hate that that is the only image that comes to my mind of him. If not for seeing him like that I am sure the last image I would think of first would be him toasting our marriage at our wedding, a much happier time.
There are pleanty of people who need a funeral for closure, I personally am not one of those people. Like I said before, I don't know if I could go ahead with the vacation, the saddness would likely be too much, but if I didn't go it would not be because of the funeral, just as if I went would not be because of the lost money. The decision for me would be based on my families happiness, if I could go and have fun I would do taht in honor of my loved one, and if I would be too sad to enjoy myself I woul stay home and work through those feelings and go at a time when we could enjoy it again.

 

[I_Know_You2!]

I guess its all about what you want to subject your children to at a young age.. Why not take them to a morque for that matter, people die right? Or a crime scene..People get killed right? They absolutely can know that people become ill and die...sure. Do they have to watch it?

My experience maybe a little different that the OP. My grandmother lost half her brain..She had no idea we were there... Meanwhile we had to listen to a woman in the hallway scream at the top of her lungs for hours..and she would grab at you when you walked by.

Nope sorry. You're welcome to subject your children to that "Circle of life"

And, when it is you will you feel the same about your grands?

When you are sitting there, lonely, abandoned by family, friends, husband dead, will you feel the same?

My kids learned compassion visiting people in nursing homes. We talked about the screamers and grabbers. To compare these things with a crime scene is horrid.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

And, when it is you will you feel the same about your grands?

When you are sitting there, lonely, abandoned by family, friends, husband dead, will you feel the same?

Absolutely, Its not all about me

 

[disneymom3]

And, when it is you will you feel the same about your grands?

When you are sitting there, lonely, abandoned by family, friends, husband dead, will you feel the same?

My kids learned compassion visiting people in nursing homes. We talked about the screamers and grabbers. To compare these things with a crime scene is horrid.

Thank you for saying that. Yes, this is a decision that everyone has to make for themselves but....wow, I don't know what to say about what feels like a lack of compassion on this thread. My kids went to see my grandma in a nursing home, they were from ages 3-5 for DD and as a baby for my son. Grandma AND all the other old ladies loved to see them. There was one woman who always wanted to hold DD on her lap and since DD was not shy, that was fine with me. I am pretty sure my grandma had no idea who my children were toward the end. Didn't matter.