What to do? Re grandma and daughter's clothes

[quandrea]

Quick question. My daughter is seven. Her first communion is coming. Mil wants to pay for my dd's outfit. Problem is she wants to dress her up much more elaborately than I'm or my daughter is comfortable with. Dd wants a comfy cotton dress--Hannah Anderson dress up dress--if anyone is familiar with that brand and flat white sandals. Mil is thinking poofy satin and organza, floor length dress with rhinestone clad sparkly heels. How to handle it tactfully? Dh says if she wants to buy it just let her but I can't stand the idea of dd wearing this outfit.

 

[focusondisney]

Quick question. My daughter is seven. Her first communion is coming. Mil wants to pay for my dd's outfit. Problem is she wants to dress her up much more elaborately than I'm or my daughter is comfortable with. Dd wants a comfy cotton dress--Hannah Anderson dress up dress--if anyone is familiar with that brand and flat white sandals. Mil is thinking poofy satin and organza, floor length dress with rhinestone clad sparkly heels. How to handle it tactfully? Dh says if she wants to buy it just let her but I can't stand the idea of dd wearing this outfit.

Not Catholic so never had to buy an outfit. But it seems to me, my friends & relatives who are have always allowed the daughter to shop with them & they have picked something together. Personally, I'd take my daughter shopping & let Grandma know what we picked out. If she wants to pay for that outfit, fine. If not, I'd buy it myself. This is about your daughter, not Grandma. And tell your DH that too!

 

[ronandannette]

Quick question. My daughter is seven. Her first communion is coming. Mil wants to pay for my dd's outfit. Problem is she wants to dress her up much more elaborately than I'm or my daughter is comfortable with. Dd wants a comfy cotton dress--Hannah Anderson dress up dress--if anyone is familiar with that brand and flat white sandals. Mil is thinking poofy satin and organza, floor length dress with rhinestone clad sparkly heels. How to handle it tactfully? Dh says if she wants to buy it just let her but I can't stand the idea of dd wearing this outfit.

Tough one. I'd imagine GMa has a vision in her mind of what little girls wear for First Communion that may be a throw-back to another era. (What do they wear these days? ) How excited is your DD for this event? Does she have her heart set on her own version of a "special outfit" or is it just more of a style/comfort thing? Are you just having a visceral reaction to having her all dolled-up or that your MIL is being overbearing?

Personally I'd actually probably lean towards conceding to whoever cares most, although I acknowledge that you (on behalf of your DD) get to trump GMa for any reason, or no reason. I hope you can come to a decision that doesn't detract from the solemnity and joy of the day. God bless your DD and family.

 

[mjkacmom]

You let your dd pick out her dress, tell MIL how much it cost. Dd20 and I had differing opinions on dresses, she tried on a lot and we both picked our favorite. The saleswoman reminded me it was her day, she got her beaded $200 dress instead of the cotton $85 one I chose. Girls here tend to have dressy dresses and veils, get their hair done, professional pictures at another time.

We bought the dress that day, but got into an argument when I refused the tiara.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

It should not be the grandma's decision.
Tell her the one you and DD want and if she does not wish to pay for it then she does not have to.
It would be one thing if it was grandma's event but its not.

 

[quandrea]

My dd wants the comfy Hannah Anderson cotton dress. I agree with dd. She also wants the comfy sandals. She's not a girly girl. Comfort is first and she's just thrilled with the idea of the outfit she picked. Pretty sure I have to have a chat with mil....

Edited to add. Dd's choice is absolutely appropriate given the specialness of the day. While comfy, the outfit is by no means casual. She will look lovely.

And to the pp who asked if I'm having a visceral reaction to her being all dolled up? Definitely. Makes my skin crawl.

 

[LM412]

Girls here tend to have dressy dresses and veils, get their hair done, professional pictures at another time.

Same here - variety of tea length and full length dresses but all fancy.

DD had very strong opinions when she had her first communion, her Godmother came with us to the store but ultimately DD picked

 

[focusondisney]

Good luck with MIL. And congratulations to your DD!

 

[Mizzoufan]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

But grandma does not have to buy the dress. She was not asked. She offered.

 

[ronandannette]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

Except that they don't need (or particularly want, apparently) GMa to buy the dress. She offered to buy the sort of dress she liked, and while that's a kind offer, it doesn't seem like OP is pressing her to pay for something different. (Unless I read it wrong.)

 

[quandrea]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

See if that's the case, I'd rather she not buy it. For me it's a values thing. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of dressing my seven year old up as though she were getting married. The idea of making her seem older than she is makes me very uneasy. I just hate the look, the idea of it. Same with getting the hair done, professional pictures. She's a little girl on a special day, not a woman on her wedding day.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Quick question. My daughter is seven. Her first communion is coming. Mil wants to pay for my dd's outfit. Problem is she wants to dress her up much more elaborately than I'm or my daughter is comfortable with. Dd wants a comfy cotton dress--Hannah Anderson dress up dress--if anyone is familiar with that brand and flat white sandals. Mil is thinking poofy satin and organza, floor length dress with rhinestone clad sparkly heels. How to handle it tactfully? Dh says if she wants to buy it just let her but I can't stand the idea of dd wearing this outfit.

You say...."While I appreciate your thoughtfulness, dd is not a girly girl and already has an outfit in mind. Thanks but no thanks."

If she insists, just lather, rinse, repeat. As a mother of a 20yodd who is not a girly girl it will not be the last time you have to utter this phrase, lol. Take it easy and matter of fact.

Oh and above all else, do not take your dh's advice, just saying. He has never worn a First Communion dress.

 

[focusondisney]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

If the child was older & going to prom? Or getting married? Grandma would get to pick the prom or wedding dress because she offered to pay? I would politely decline that offer. Grandma had her chance with her children. This not Grandma's decision to make.

 

[mjkacmom]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

If a bride's mom offers to pay for the wedding dress, does she get to pick it out?

 

[quandrea]

You say...."While I appreciate your thoughtfulness, dd is not a girly girl and already has an outfit in mind. Thanks but no thanks."

If she insists, just lather, rinse, repeat. As a mother of a 20yodd who is not a girly girl it will not be the last time you have to utter this phrase, lol. Take it easy and matter of fact.

Oh and above all else, do not take your dh's advice, just saying. He has never worn a First Communion dress.

Love this. That's my plan. I think dh just figures, "Who cares? What's the big deal?"

This reminds me of how I had to finally tell mil to stop buying my older dd earrings. Older dd vows she will never pierce her ears, and I believe her. I told mil that she should believe her too. It was all said in good fun. No feelings were hurt.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

See if that's the case, I'd rather she not buy it. For me it's a values thing. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of dressing my seven year old up as though she were getting married. The idea of making her seem older than she is makes me very uneasy. I just hate the look, the idea of it. Same with getting the hair done, professional pictures. She's a little girl on a special day, not a woman on her wedding day.

Hmm and now we are getting into the meat of the problem.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

In my old parish, the Godmother paid for the dress, but the Mom and the girl picked it out. I've never heard of someone actually insisting on choosing the dress they buy for someone *else's* taste. That would be like going to a restaurant and having someone else pick your food because they were treating you to a meal.

 

[quandrea]

Hmm and now we are getting into the meat of the problem.

Yes I think you are right. There is a difference in how mil views this day and how our immediate family (me, dh and dd) view the day. We are pretty low key about it. We'll go to mass. Afterwards we are having the family back to the house for fish and chips dinner and cake. We aren't looking to make a big splash while it is common for communion day to be a really blowout affair. That's not our thing.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I can't imagine forcing a 7 year old to wear some big frilly dress if she doesn't want to. Sounds like a recipe for a huge blowout when the doesn't need to be one.
Just be firm and honest" "While I appreciate the gesture, there's no way DD will wear a dress like that. Let's not mar a happy occasion with a fight over clothing. They'll be plenty of time for that when she's a teenager"