What should I do? Re: birthday gift..

[C.Ann]

I have been writing to a very lovely woman for about 4 and a half years now (yes, a "pen pal" - who also happens to love Disney )..

Anyhow - she knows of my deep interest in the Amish and since she often takes trips to the Lancaster area on the weekends, she's always sending me little things in the mail that are Amish related.. She's such a sweet lady - just one of those people who loves to send small gifts to others..

The past 3 years she has sent me Amish books for my birthday.. The first year was fine - 2 Beverly Lewis books I hadn't read yet.. Last year she sent me another Beverly Lewis book - which I already had.. (But I didn't mention that to her - just thanked her for being so generous..)

Well this year she sent me another Amish book for my birthday - non-fiction - to help with my research.. Unfortunately I already have it.. I figure that there's one of 3 things I can do:

(1) Not mention it at all - just keep this extra copy and use it to take apart for the photos I plan on putting in my research binders.. (Some pages have photos on both sides of the same page, and this would save me from having to make photo copies..) Just thank her again for thinking of me..

(2) Tell her that I have it - and ask if she would like me to send it back to her so that maybe she could "re-gift" it to someone else..

(3) Lastly - simply thank her again for being so generous and leave it at that..

Which option would you go with?

I want to respond by tomorrow at the latest - just not sure what to do..

Thanks!

 

[anniemae]

I would probably just keep it and use it for the pictures and thank her for her thoughtfulness.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Thank her and then use it for the photos (so options 1 and 3 combined).

 

[4nana]

IMO #1 w/thank you note ~ she's sending you tokens from the kindness of her heart and you're blessed to have such a nice pen pal.

 

[phorsenuf]

I'm curious about your project. When you are through what are you going to do with it? Are you going to try to have it published? If so, you may need permission for the photos.

 

[WIDisneyFan]

I would say (3) Lastly - simply thank her again for being so generous and leave it at that.

 

[krcit]

I agree with the others...number 3. What a nice friend!

 

[tlbwriter]

Since you do have a use for it, simply say thank you.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm curious about your project. When you are through what are you going to do with it? Are you going to try to have it published? If so, you may need permission for the photos.

No - no plans on publishing it.. Just something I have developed quite an interest in - you know - like some people learn everything they possibly can about the solar system; a certain country; breeds of horses; collect only specific types of recipes; become heavily involved in geneology; have a need/want to learn as much as they can about the Great Depression; my DD's FIL's desire to know everything there is to know about the Adironack Mountains (he has books; maps; binders full of little known facts and "'hidden" lakes; trails; etc. that he has been collecting for years now) etc... And ironically, now that I have become so interested in the Amish, it seems to have rubbed off on my 12 yr. old DGD..

Basically a learning experience in something I have developed a deep interest in - and if I want to refresh my memory about something in specific, I'll have the info all in one place - right at my fingertips..

And of course there is the aspect of conversation with others who are also interested, but have never really looked into all the different aspects of Amish life..

Believe it or not, there are quite a few interested right here on this board - and I've received many, many PM's requesting info..

Did you know there is an Amish community in Sarasota, Florida? When people hear "Amish", they automatically think "Lancaster County, PA", Ohio, or Indiana - but actually they are in many, many states.. Some you would never even dream of if no one mentioned it to you..

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I think #1 and #3 are basically the same option. It's very sweet of her to do this, but I know, personally, I get very uncomfortable when people give me gifts (like in this situation). I always feel the need to reciprocate, even though it's entirely not necessary. I'm also the type of person who can't take a compliment. I'm very uncomfortable receiving anything without always reciprocating. I realize this is my issue, but maybe the gift giving is becoming a little uncomfortable for you C.Ann? Do you feel like she might be expecting something in return? If so, maybe it's time to tell her you've completed your project and thank her again. Hopefully she will stop sending gifts and the relationship can go back to be penpals. Just a thought.

 

[C.Ann]

I think #1 and #3 are basically the same option. It's very sweet of her to do this, but I know, personally, I get very uncomfortable when people give me gifts (like in this situation). I always feel the need to reciprocate, even though it's entirely not necessary. I'm also the type of person who can't take a compliment. I'm very uncomfortable receiving anything without always reciprocating. I realize this is my issue, but maybe the gift giving is becoming a little uncomfortable for you C.Ann? Do you feel like she might be expecting something in return? If so, maybe it's time to tell her you've completed your project and thank her again. Hopefully she will stop sending gifts and the relationship can go back to be penpals. Just a thought.

No - she's definitely not the type to expect anything in return - although I have on occasion sent her cute bookmarks and stickers.. I tried once before to get her to stop sending me things, but failed miserably.. It's just something she loves to do - expecting nothing in return.. It just makes her "happy" - something you don't come across too often these days.. And I'm not the only one that she does this with - she is constantly searching for "tuck-in's" for her other pals, based on their interests..

 

[SandrA9810]

Well I think the difference between 1 & 3, is one she will in the end tear the book up. If you go with just number 3, the book stays intact on the bookshelf. At least that's my thought.

Maybe you should make some future references to the books you have in your collection. And maybe wind up with a new books to read.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

No - she's definitely not the type to expect anything in return - although I have on occasion sent her cute bookmarks and stickers.. I tried once before to get her to stop sending me things, but failed miserably.. It's just something she loves to do - expecting nothing in return.. It just makes her "happy" - something you don't come across too often these days.. And I'm not the only one that she does this with - she is constantly searching for "tuck-in's" for her other pals, based on their interests..

I'm sort of the same way -- I love to give, but I'm very uncomfortable receiving. Again, I know this is my issue. She truly sounds like a kind-hearted, beautiful person. I guess birds of a feather...she's lucky to have found you as well.

 

[design_mom]

I think I would thank her for the book and tell her it will be useful in your research. I would not tell her exactly *how* it would be useful (being cut up for pictures). I think you would hurt her feelings if you tried to return it to her.

Editing: Actually, I'm changing my answer a little. I'd thank her for it and tell her it will be useful for your research. Then I'd cut up my older copy for the pictures, and keep her new one whole.

 

[Lionqueen2]

You are very fortunate to have such a sweet considerate friend.
I think under the circumstances you described, I would go with option #3 and not tear the book apart. I might use one for photocoping and possibly to lend to friends that might be interested in reading about Amish and keep my personal copy aside.
The thoughtfulness behind a gift is always greater than the gift itself.

 

[mhsjax]

No - no plans on publishing it.. Just something I have developed quite an interest in - you know - like some people learn everything they possibly can about the solar system; a certain country; breeds of horses; collect only specific types of recipes; become heavily involved in geneology; have a need/want to learn as much as they can about the Great Depression; my DD's FIL's desire to know everything there is to know about the Adironack Mountains (he has books; maps; binders full of little known facts and "'hidden" lakes; trails; etc. that he has been collecting for years now) etc... And ironically, now that I have become so interested in the Amish, it seems to have rubbed off on my 12 yr. old DGD..

Basically a learning experience in something I have developed a deep interest in - and if I want to refresh my memory about something in specific, I'll have the info all in one place - right at my fingertips..

And of course there is the aspect of conversation with others who are also interested, but have never really looked into all the different aspects of Amish life..

Believe it or not, there are quite a few interested right here on this board - and I've received many, many PM's requesting info..

Did you know there is an Amish community in Sarasota, Florida? When people hear "Amish", they automatically think "Lancaster County, PA", Ohio, or Indiana - but actually they are in many, many states.. Some you would never even dream of if no one mentioned it to you..

Did you happen to see the show called"Devils' Playground" it was on NGEO or something like that. I thought of you. It was about the time, (they had an Amish word for it) when kids at a certain age are allowed to go into the world and experience it from the way that we do.

It was very interesting, I didn't realize that some, ( Iknow there are different groups) make their kids stop attending school at the age of 13, they think that education makes you prideful. Anyway, there was one kid and he actually wound up in Sarasota with his girlfriend.

I also didn't realize that while they are very strict, they do turn a blind eye and sometimes actually encourage sex while dating.

Sorry to get off topic, I have been wanting to mention this to you because I know you are so interested.

 

[Rora]

Thank her and then use it for the photos (so options 1 and 3 combined).

I agree!

 

[C.Ann]

Did you happen to see the show called"Devils' Playground" it was on NGEO or something like that. I thought of you. It was about the time, (they had an Amish word for it) when kids at a certain age are allowed to go into the world and experience it from the way that we do.

It was very interesting, I didn't realize that some, ( Iknow there are different groups) make their kids stop attending school at the age of 13, they think that education makes you prideful. Anyway, there was one kid and he actually wound up in Sarasota with his girlfriend.

I also didn't realize that while they are very strict, they do turn a blind eye and sometimes actually encourage sex while dating.

Sorry to get off topic, I have been wanting to mention this to you because I know you are so interested.

Actually, two of the top authorities in terms of the Amish Society have taken great issue with that movie as it was riddled with inaccuracies and edited to show issues in a light that are not true.. Don't forget - the whole idea of that movie was "sensationalism" - and they did a bang up job of it.. (Much the same has been said for "The Witness" - far from accurate..)

At the age of 16, Amish youth (in most - not all Orders) are allowed to go "through their running around years" (which can last into their early to mid-20's) and begin courtship.. They are allowed to go out into the "English" world and experiment with their ways (cars; clothing; dancing; movies; smoking cigarettes; drinking; etc.) - but only on the weekends.. During the week, they are still expected to remain in the home, perform their chores, etc.. While the parents may turn a blind eye to the things mentioned above, they do not encourage sex while dating.. The whole idea of these "running around years" is for the Amish youth to decide if they want to take their kneeling vow and be baptized into the church (which means following all of the rules to the tee) or if they prefer to live among the "English".. In this manner they have a "choice" - they are not "forced" to become baptized adult members of the church.. (And if they never take the kneeling vow for baptisim, they are not "shunned" or placed under the "ban" because the church rules don't apply to them.. Much more to this, but I can't discuss it without this becoming a religious thread.. Sorry.. )

As for schooling - they complete an 8th grade education (or the age of 15).. After that (in some areas) there is a "vocational schooling" of sorts that takes place within the home and on the farm.. (Also, in some orders, children - and adults - are allowed to take correspondence courses - or get their GED's if it's required for a job.) Amish people do an enormous amount of reading and although self-taught, are very intelligent people.. They are well-informed on world affairs - and yes, they even vote!!

There's just so much more to know about these people - they have been subject to so many myths, misconceptions, inaccuracies, and assumptions for so many years, I could go on and on forever - and I still have much more to learn.. But - I just wanted to try to clear up those few things you mentioned..

 

[mhsjax]

Actually, two of the top authorities in terms of the Amish Society have taken great issue with that movie as it was riddled with inaccuracies and edited to show issues in a light that are not true.. Don't forget - the whole idea of that movie was "sensationalism" - and they did a bang up job of it.. (Much the same has been said for "The Witness" - far from accurate..)

At the age of 16, Amish youth (in most - not all Orders) are allowed to go "through their running around years" (which can last into their early to mid-20's) and begin courtship.. They are allowed to go out into the "English" world and experiment with their ways (cars; clothing; dancing; movies; smoking cigarettes; drinking; etc.) - but only on the weekends.. During the week, they are still expected to remain in the home, perform their chores, etc.. While the parents may turn a blind eye to the things mentioned above, they do not encourage sex while dating.. The whole idea of these "running around years" is for the Amish youth to decide if they want to take their kneeling vow and be baptized into the church (which means following all of the rules to the tee) or if they prefer to live among the "English".. In this manner they have a "choice" - they are not "forced" to become baptized adult members of the church.. (And if they never take the kneeling vow for baptisim, they are not "shunned" or placed under the "ban" because the church rules don't apply to them.. Much more to this, but I can't discuss it without this becoming a religious thread.. Sorry.. )

As for schooling - they complete an 8th grade education (or the age of 15).. After that (in some areas) there is a "vocational schooling" of sorts that takes place within the home and on the farm.. (Also, in some orders, children - and adults - are allowed to take correspondence courses - or get their GED's if it's required for a job.) Amish people do an enormous amount of reading and although self-taught, are very intelligent people.. They are well-informed on world affairs - and yes, they even vote!!

There's just so much more to know about these people - they have been subject to so many myths, misconceptions, inaccuracies, and assumptions for so many years, I could go on and on forever - and I still have much more to learn.. But - I just wanted to try to clear up those few things you mentioned..

It was interesting and you never know how much of it is true. They did talk about the kneeling vow. I do find them very interesting but I certainly don't know very much about them. I am not sure that if I where an Amish parent, that I would be able to let my kid go and experience the "English" world.

This show actually did concentrate on the Amish in Indiana, I didn't know that the Amish were there. Anyway it was interesting but evidentially not very truthful.

 

[SandrA9810]

hey c. Ann, can you send me a PM with some of the religous things?? I've always wondered about those who choose an english life. In other religion's they seem to ban them for life, almost like the person killed themself for going the other way.