What more can I do??

[blissventure]

I think it's kind of scary people on here are diagnosing other people's children with mental illnesses I can understand saying "well it sounds like ADD/depression/etc".. but saying "your son has this wrong with him! get him to a psychiatrist STAT!" is probably not the safest thing to say, unless you are in fact qualified to give medical advice and know the child personally.

To me, he sounds like a normal kid. My brother was the same way when he was 15 - and it eventually caught up to him when he couldn't take a school trip to the Bahamas because he forgot to give my parents the fundraising forms. He seemed to at least attempt to remember things after that. I was the same way when I was that age, although maybe not as extreme - but definitely didn't do homework, study, etc. because I never wrote it down in my school planner. Kids grow out of it, but if you're that concerned - then head to a doctor.

Was your brother on meds long term? If not, it truly is a different situation. I'm glad your brother grew out of it.

It's certainly wrong for strangers to diagnose, but OP did mention he is on long term ADD meds. Is he seeing a psychologist or other mental health professional in ADDITION to the medication? As kids grow and change, their needs change. Any kid that is on continuous mental health meds needs to have additional resources...that includes talk therapy. Learning ways to cope, deal with life, strategies for remembering assignments, as well as planning for their future. If he "won't" go, then the parents should. The goal is to step by step make progress. And I wish OP all the best. It's never easy to raise a teen, and one that has additional challenges is much harder.

 

[LMC]

I would have him re-evaluated by either a psych or a developmental neuropsychologist. My son has dyspraxia and most of the time is in a state of looking like he is lost or does not listen or does not care. His brain can not process what he is told to do. (Can't perform multi-step tasks). He wants to do well and knows that even though he works so hard he is one of the worst students in class so it is hard on him. It took everything I had not to jump over a table last year and sock a teacher in the face for calling him lazy. It sounds like this is how you are describing your child. Have him checked for another diagnosis. If it is a condition he can't help, I am sure he is full aware of his differences and this will have a psychological effect on him too.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

mirror image of my son. We took him to a jv pshyc. and they flat out said it was nothing but an age issue and laziness. That we need to be on him more and to not make excuses for his lack of effort. So thats what we are trying, hoping he will grow out of it

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

You know, here's another idea...what about asking him what's wrong. I mean turn off the TV, sit at the table, make him look you in the eye and ask him for an explanation. Tell him you are NOT accusing him...just trying to understand. Ask him if he thinks there is a physical reason or if he has any idea why this stuff happens. You might be surprised and he might say, well mom it's like this.....

I too think that kids are over diagnosed...but I also know that medical professionals miss things and we as parents have to sometimes advocate that they look deeper. So, while I'm not suggesting he has any type of a "diagnosis," I do think that looking at all the possibilities (physical, mental, emotional, behavioral and attitudinal) is a good idea.

Good luck OP!

K

 

[Creekermom]

Wondering if he has low thyroid or if he is depressed. The lack of motivation is a concern although he appears to be the average teenage boy... but this also can be dangerous... no interest in anything... is he social?

I will keep you in my prayers, please don't blame yourself. You are good parents because you care and are asking about it.

 

[goofyforlife]

WOW i didn't know my daughter had a twin.....

My dd is almost the same person (only she's a girl)

We've done meds up and down the spectrum and nothing seems to help.. On meds..off meds..therapy...new therapists... She just doesn't care.... (oh yeah and the dr's have all been quick to point that out to us.. Way to go Dr. Obvious...)

You are not alone.....

 

[DisMN]

You can say that again, but it was my dd, she was the exact same way and never did get motivated until she was forced to get out and get a job.

The description was my dd as well and we went through the ADD, various meds and involvement with counselling and psychologists.

NOTHING much helped but time. Lots and lots of time.

Good luck OP....I'll keep your family in my prayers. This is such painful stuff for a parent and ya don't really know WHAT to do to fix it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

This is a exactly how I feel.

I don't want everyone to think I live with a zombie...he's really NOT like that. He just doesn't do anything without being ASKED to do it or TOLD to do it.

He's totally content doing his own thing unless he is asked to do something else...if you give him something else to do, he'll do it.

Maybe I am the one in denial. Maybe there is yet another label they can put on him. I honestly believe children are way overlabeled and "diagnosed" anymore. Some call it awareness/diagnosis...some call it an nothing more than an excuse for bad behavior...

I am going to try some of the day to day consequences that you suggested and see how it goes. Come school time it will be much easier to dole out the consequences because right now there isn't much to take away.

Thanks!

best of luck. It is so trying being a mother--I know. Obviously follow your instincts and your heart (I think moms usually know) but it does sound like you even feeel it is not some big underlying cause (though I do tend to agree we overdiagnose now and if you pushed hard enough to find a cause eventually something owuld be diagnosed), so hopefullly it is just typical teen unconcern (which sometimes turns into adult unconcern--how many threads do we see venting about husbands who never think to lift a finger around the house unless specifically asked to do so). Anyway, best of luck staying strong and figuring it out. When it starts to really get to you remind yourself of the many other fairly typical teen things he could be doing that might be even harder to deal with (at least if he isn't going to care he also isn't caring about drugs or something).

 

[Beezle2]

Just venting here...so any suggestions are welcome. And beware...it's long.

I don't know what more I can do to help my 15 yo DS care or become motivated.>>>>

Well, it won't make you feel better, but you have just described my 16 year old DD

We have tried so hard with her and we just can't get her to care or be involved. I have 4 DDs and she is unique in her approach to life.

you have my sympathies.

 

[DebIreland]

You sound like a great Mom. I have a 15 year old DS too. He can be very focussed when he needs to be (for example, when he's playing guitar) and then very unmotivated in other areas. But my 12 year old DS sounds a lot like your son - forgets his school books, forgets to do part of his homework, doesn't tell me important info from school etc. It's very trying to live with.

sbell111 said "Boys need lists" and there's a lot of truth in that, though I'd change it to "teenagers need lists". I really do find that when we have a day organised in advance, for example: get bus to town, buy new school bag, go to museum, visit granny, etc, things go smoothly. Otherwise both my boys tend to wander around in a haze.

If they had their way, they'd gladly stay in all day. That freaks me out.

Another thing to consider. I firmly believe that Playstation, Nintendo etc can be very harmful to young minds. I have no scientific proof of this of course but I have noticed the more time my sons spend on PS or even on the computer, the more unfocussed they are. The buzz and the highs a kid gets from video games cannot be matched by anything that occurs in real life. So even when they're not playing, part of their minds are yearning for those electronic highs and nothing in day to day life can satisfy them. We've started a 'no electronics day' here - just once a week for now. No playstation, computer, tv etc for the whole day. We have to get exercise and talk etc. I'm hoping it will help to FOCUS the boys a bit more. In the winter we'll be cutting back even more. Right now they're allowed 2 hours a day on the computer or PS (except for the No Electronics Day, lol) but it seems to dominate their thoughts for 24 hours.

Of course it might have something to do with your DS's meds - has there been any change to them lately? Different brand? Whether it's the meds or not, he's definitely not the only teen who likes to mope around!

Good luck OP and let us know how you're getting on.

 

[threecrazykids]

Ok...so last night I come home from work to find the "unmotivated child" that I was ranting about JUST YESTERDAY took it upon himself to recruit his little brother and sister to clean the house spotless before I got home from work.

He didn't spend one minute on the video games after I got home last night (told me he was bored of them!!), he came into the kitchen and ASKED to help me with dinner. I was making jambalaya so he cut up all the sausage and browned it...and then cleaned up the kitchen immediately following dinner...with NO reminders?!!!!

Who the heck IS THIS KID?

I don't know what got into him (and I know it wasn't his dad barking at him because he wasn't home last night ) but I'd take this kid anyday!

Kids have a funny way of proving us wrong just when we are at our wits end...

I'm smart enough to know that this doesn't completely negate his typical behaviour but it at least gives me a glimmer of hope he is capable if he chooses to be.

 

[Nancyg56]

Your son is suffering from psychiatric disorders. You can either accept that and get him the help he desperately needs or not that is your choice.

Please get him to a psychiatrist.

Please listen to her! You know that this is not normal behavior or you would not be frustrated. There is a world of difference between what the school psychologist says and what a child psychiatrist may determine is happening to your son. I cannot understand how his own Dr is willing to accept this either.

You are your son's advocate. If you do not press for his mental health no one else will.

 

[debbi801]

You start with his psychiatrist that prescribes the meds. Indeed ADD meds will turn you into a zombie.

On top of that I would say he is sufferering from anxiety, depression, and possibly another mental illness.

He needs to be re-evaluted and you guys need family counseling. His meds may be incorrect.

And please don't say, his doctor says this is normal or we have tried that. This is not normal and you need to get outside help.

Please do this for him before he is off your insurance.

This. Exactly.

Who did the original evaluation and who is prescribing the meds? If you're having all this done through his pediatrician or afamily doctor, that can be a big mistake.

You need to find a good psychiatrist or pediatric psychiatrist working in conjunction with a good psychologist to get meds and non-meds treatment in place.

 

[sbell111]

Just FYI, in some parts of the US this would be a bad idea because it would draw bugs. I don't think it's worth letting your house get infested in order to prove a point. (And yes, in some parts of the country just leaving food out overnight would be enough to start a serious problem.)

I can't wrap my head around this.

If there are no bugs in the house, leaving a dirty plate on the table shouldn't cause your house to become infested because there are no bugs about to notice.

My wife and I are having our first child in November. Since we haven't had kids in the house, our lifestyle hasn't changed that much since we first got together in the eighties. It is not at all surprising to find dirty dishes sitting in the sink for a few days, yet our house is not infested with bugs.

... I don't want everyone to think I live with a zombie...he's really NOT like that. He just doesn't do anything without being ASKED to do it or TOLD to do it.

He's totally content doing his own thing unless he is asked to do something else...if you give him something else to do, he'll do it. ...

You just described me at 15.

Ok...so last night I come home from work to find the "unmotivated child" that I was ranting about JUST YESTERDAY took it upon himself to recruit his little brother and sister to clean the house spotless before I got home from work.

He didn't spend one minute on the video games after I got home last night (told me he was bored of them!!), he came into the kitchen and ASKED to help me with dinner. I was making jambalaya so he cut up all the sausage and browned it...and then cleaned up the kitchen immediately following dinner...with NO reminders?!!!!

Who the heck IS THIS KID?

I don't know what got into him (and I know it wasn't his dad barking at him because he wasn't home last night ) but I'd take this kid anyday!

Kids have a funny way of proving us wrong just when we are at our wits end...

I'm smart enough to know that this doesn't completely negate his typical behaviour but it at least gives me a glimmer of hope he is capable if he chooses to be.

Now I am scared. Forget everything that I have previously posted and get him into a psychiatrist TODAY!!!! (Just kidding.)

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I have 3 comments to make.

1 - OP your son does sound pretty normal to me. I think some people are just what I call "school haters" - they just don't enjoy school and find it hard to motivate themselves- I compare it to having a job you hate and still having to go everyday.

2- That being said, I do believe that every person taking any psychotropic meds should see a psychiatrist. I say this because psychiatrists are experts on these meds - their symptoms, their affects, etc. A pediatrician just does not have that same level of expertise. A psychiatrist would know is there is something better out there for your son.

3- Just for encouragement to all the parents of unmotivated kids out there- My DH was a classic "school hater" - he did HORRIBLE in school and just didn't care. He barely made it through high school. At 18 he got a full-time job and morphed into a highly driven, successful person. Now at 35 I would say he is one of the hardest workers I have ever met. I'm sure his former teachers wouldn't even believe it. I think he just had to find something that he liked and was good at, and for him that just wasn't school.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Ok...so last night I come home from work to find the "unmotivated child" that I was ranting about JUST YESTERDAY took it upon himself to recruit his little brother and sister to clean the house spotless before I got home from work.

He didn't spend one minute on the video games after I got home last night (told me he was bored of them!!), he came into the kitchen and ASKED to help me with dinner. I was making jambalaya so he cut up all the sausage and browned it...and then cleaned up the kitchen immediately following dinner...with NO reminders?!!!!

Who the heck IS THIS KID?

I don't know what got into him (and I know it wasn't his dad barking at him because he wasn't home last night ) but I'd take this kid anyday!

Kids have a funny way of proving us wrong just when we are at our wits end...

I'm smart enough to know that this doesn't completely negate his typical behaviour but it at least gives me a glimmer of hope he is capable if he chooses to be.

Hurray for the glimmer of hope and limpse into what can be Maybe he could sense that he had pushed to about the edge of your understanding. Kids are pretty perceptive. or, maybe he is starting to outgrow the teen apathy thing (don't get your hopes up too high--"starting" meaning occasional forrays into the world of caring--not meaning out of the apathy in general ;-) )

 

[kellyg403]

OP, you have my sympathies and many hugs. I have 6 children, and you have described two of them to a T. My dd who is 21 was daignosed many years ago with ODD/ADD. Meds made her a zombie, but we made the rounds did what we could but she really has never changed. If she is interested in something she will give a 100%, if she really doesn't care...well she really doesn't care. Honestly, she was an A student who passed school because at the last minute she would work herself to death. Not because she wasn't capable. The only difference I see is that she was so very social that she spent most of her time worrying about who was doing what and with who and all that she didn't have time for 'work'. She is getting better now that she is getting older but its only because we finally have stopped being her fall back position. She finally is 'getting' it but I see that it may be 35 or so when she REALLY sees it.

My ds 15 barely made it out of 8th grade. Shoot the boy barely made it out of middle school period. He would forget homework, or just not do it, didn't have a lot of friends, but classmates like you pointed out and really, he was just plain lazy most of the time. He was not diagnosed with any learning disabilities, because I gave him the benefit of the doubt and did the rounds with the dr's etc. Their common phrase was, it is totally within the realm of normal and he is lazy..no medical issues. We had an issue similar to yours going into freshman year. I had invested so much in getting this kid through school I was literally going through 8th grade again. That summer he came to me with the paperwork for football. Not only were we late with the permission slip but he just kinda handed it to me like it was a given he was going and it was my problem to figure out how to get the coach to put him on the team. It was the last straw. I refused to sign and told him sorry, no sports this year until you prove you can do school work. I am not investing my time when he invests none of his. He sure was mad, and like any teen made sure I knew it. But by Dec the boy was honor roll, had made friends was going to the movies with them and literally was not even the kid I lived with before. He did get to do wrestling in Dec but was injured the second meet. He ended up the school year getting an award for having the highest biology grade in the freshman class... where he came from I don't know.

We have used different approaches, done dr's etc. You know your child best. Definitely follow up with another dr re: his meds and then...speak honestly to yourself and follow through if it is more of a 'not getting it' thing. I had so many teachers tell me that middle school is the hardest on the kids and the teachers because most of them go through the "laziness". Their way of rebelling against the system one teacher told me.

I know how tough this is...I wish you much success in figuring out what is best!

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

And I just wanted to add, going to the counselor/pyschiatrist is really not a bad thing or means that you think he has a mental issue. They are there to help the parents get through too. Some of the time the kids know us just as well as we know them. Parenting techniques I have learned going to a counselor have helped immensly with my dd who is add/odd. Their boundaries are so blurred that I became more of her problem than anything else. I would give up, fight with her, give up again. And she knew that. I would nag, and beg, and plead, and give up and she knew that. Her goal in the end was already clarified in her mind...she knew how to achieve it and probably knew in the end how long and what she had to put up with to get it. Because I always gave up. Going to the counseling really really helped me get through that and change my way of dealing with it. The first time I didn't give up, the girl was in no way prepared and guess what, things started to change. And continue to slowly but they are changing to the benefit of both of us.

Kelly

 

[Tinkmom75]

This sounds like my son too. He is highly intelligent and very bored with school. He lacks motivation to do anything, but what he wants to do.

You need to find consequences that really get him to do what you want. If my son doesn't do his chores, then he can't go to his friend that is our neighbor. I can ground from games and TV and stuff, but that doesn't do it. He does his chores or doesn't get to go play with his friend. He may whine and moan, but I walk away. It is tough sometimes. With my daughter she is better, but has gotten extremely better this summer. Well if her chores aren't done she can't hang out with her boyfriend. She does more this year than she has ever done.

I wouldn't let him do football camp. It's not your problem that he didn't tell you.

 

[GothTink]

Your son is suffering from psychiatric disorders. You can either accept that and get him the help he desperately needs or not that is your choice.

Please get him to a psychiatrist.