What made you stop talking to close family members? (be specific)

[SEA333]

Well-said. And I think that until you experience and recognize this in your own family, you might not be able to understand it and might think there could never be any reason to separate yourself from a family-member. I know I didn't.

 

[Andtototoo]

I stopped speaking to my aunt because after my mother (her sister) died unexpectedly and she revealed her true colors (we'd always known she was a piece of work but without my mother keeping her in check her whole life, her real awful self came out)

1. She came to my mother's house and while I was busy in another room, stole all of my grandmother's photo albums. My grandmother was still alive and fully mentally competent, but in a nursing home and had asked my mother to keep them safe. She also tried to steal all of the rest of my grandmother's stuff -- I caught her as she was finishing up and literally wrestled one little thing out of her hands. She then told my grandmother that I had lost them. (Of course, she lost them in the hoarder's hellhole that is her house and had her oldest contact me a few months ago asking if I had any family photos. Amazing nerve. Amazing.)
2. When my grandmother died a few months later, she went in "as next of kin" and changed all of my grandmother's pre-paid funeral arrangements into something much more extravagant. Then refused to pay for it. My sister and I ended up paying for it out of our own pockets. Got no words of thanks from her (or anyone else in the family). Instead we got told that "we owed it" because we'd both gone to college. (Yeah, figure that one out.)
3. Because we had not gotten my mother's gravestone in place before my grandmother died, technically the cemetery needed my aunt's permission to install the gravestone in the family plot. She refused to allow it to be installed and told me that I had to dig my mother up. I told her what I'd be doing with the shovel instead.

 

[diznygirl]

i do have a situation where someone does something over and over and over and still i would never cut ties with her.
my sister is always calling me or my parents wanting us to do something 5 minutes later when she's know about it for 5 days or 5 weeks or 5 months.
trust me it really irks me and we've had arguments about it but still we love each other so unconditionally that we would not cut ties.
its become more of a "well that's my sister" kind of thing.

*Screwed up. Sorry.



My reason - he's an addict who refuses to get a job and just wants family to give him money all the time.

 

[SirDuff]

And you left Florida to be closer to them, realized the mistake, and are moving back to Florida. So there's that.

That isn't the PP.

 

[disney world dreamer]

And you left Florida to be closer to them, realized the mistake, and are moving back to Florida. So there's that.



My reason - he's an addict who refuses to get a job and just wants family to give him money all the time.

um... not me.
born and raised in niagara county new york. (yep the toxic waste dump of the country lol)

 

[luvmarypoppins]

I didnt top talking to my aunt and cousin, they stopped talking to me. Still dont know why - years later.

I called them, told them the dr. said my grandma (my aunts mother in law and my cousins grandma too) had a week to live.
I talked to them at the funeral. The funeral was prepaid so it was all arranged ahead of time.
Send my cousin a birthday card most every year but never hear from her.
Strangely I hear from their sister/aunt and she tells me in a christmas card how they are doing. I do tell her in a christmas card that I try to communicate but they never respond. I dont think they even have a good relationship with one another sadly.
I did try to call my cousin once but she said (a lie) that someone was at the door and she had to answer it.
Sometimes you just have to let go.

 

[DisneyDreamer2504]

I've not had the serious issues that some of you have had, but I'm still barely speaking to most of my immediate family. My parents divorced 6 years ago, after 31 years of marriage. No one was terribly surprised, but it broke our family so much. We basically had to choose sides, which I refused to do for years despite my mother immature behavior. I know that my mother is fragile, and has had depression for years, but the last straw was when I went to visit this past March. When I saw her, I was so happy and ran to hug her, but she pushed me away and refused to hug me, and said she hadn't missed me....all because I visited with my father before her. I left in tears. I've spoken to her since, but she's never apologized, and I'm not over it.

And my sisters (I have 3 older) are their own mess. My oldest sister accused me of passing info to her ex. Her life is a mess; she's legally married, but openly dates other men, and has 2 children (with the estranged husband). Though I don't understand it all, I'm respectful and avoid judging her, but she acts like everything is normal and we're rude for not 'getting' it. One of my other sisters, well, let's just say she makes bad choices and I'm tired of helping pick up the pieces. And my other sister, she's just a rude ***** and thinks that the joy in others lives takes something away from hers.

I kno some of these things, at least what little I've said, don't seem like much, and I'm sure if I lived closer to all of them I'd learn to live with it. But basically my DH and I decided that if they can't find the time to be kind to me, if they aren't adding positive value to my life, then I just won't waste energy on them. I haven't cut off anyone completely, I'd answer the phone and be polite if them called, but I won't call them. We hardly exchanged any gifts or texts anymore. It's all very sad really, but DH and I decided long ago that when we got married we became our own family and were happier they way.

 

[smiths02]

i've never understood HOW someone could completely cut ties with close relatives.

in the past i've had some major fights with my one sister but we've never even considered cutting ties with each other.

i have a very small family as both of my parents were only children and all of my grandparents, great aunts, and great uncles have passed.

its basically my parents, two sister, 3 nieces, and 1 nephew.
and then we have a few closer cousins and everyone else is distant relation and lives far from us.

i could not imagine not speaking to the few close relatives i have.

My grandfather admitted to moslesting my mother when she was 7 . I will have not have contact with him. We never really had a relationship as my mom didn't talk to him when I was younger. My mother does speak to him now, but I will not. I have children to protect. So never say never. If a family member threatens my children in any way, they will be cut out.

 

[Goon]

MIL participated in a garage sale with me and the wife last week. She's never liked me, despite my repeated attempts...literally told my wife I was a lying piece of **** while my wife was giving birth to my daughter.

...anyway, I digress. She asks to work our sale if she can put stuff in. Everything is going well, and she and I team up for the first day, with my wife and MIL to take the second day. During our shift, she makes repeated comments (disguised as jokes...at first) that, even though we used different pricing labels, she is worried I am not giving her credit for the stuff of hers we sell (since everyone is buying from both of us). I assure her I am taking pains to make sure she is getting the $$, but she continues with the comments. I then switch to letting her take the $$, but that still doesn't quell the tide of comments. I brush it off as her being her hateful self, and we end the day on a semi-good note.

While counting the money, she tells me the totals for the day...wife and I come out ahead of her (mostly due to the little kids clothes and high end electronics we sold). She asks to count the remaining money "just to see how we did with the bookeeping." I think nothing of it, and she tells me we came within a dollar or two of how much our notes say it should have been.

She takes her $$ and leaves. Fast forward to the next day...she starts talking to my wife, and begins the "I hate when (Goon) says this...does this..." stuff and my wife has enough. She starts to tell my wife how hard up for $$ she is, and lets my wife know that she THINKS I STOLE $$ FROM HER THE DAY BEFORE. My wife gets upset, and tells her to leave, but not before asking the crazy woman why she thinks that. MIL tells her she secretly put 5 bucks in the pot the day before "to see if I would steal it" and deduces that I must have, since the total came out so close to the money on hand, despite the extra 5. My wife tells her she forgot to count the extra quarters and 2.75 she left in the day before (she made 402.75 and took an even 400 home), and MIL doesn't back off. Wife starts to tally up the money we've spent on her for food, the permit, drinks, and remind her of all the extras we do for her...MIL tells her I'm a horrible person and calls her a *****. Wife packs up all MIL's garage sale stuff, and drops it on her front porch. MIL comes back when I finally get home from work, I guess to argue with me, and get's told she's not welcome.

Anyway, you asked for specifics. Now, she's no longer welcome. She has (obvious) mental issues, but this is really the last in a long line of pretty terrible behaviors she has exhibited. We've tried to get her help, tried to support her, and she does this type of stuff. She's alienated my wife's 3 brothers with her behavior, and now my wife (not me...I blew it off due to this being tame compared to how she usually treats me) has washed her hands of her.

Ahhh...now I fell better. Thanks for reading. Who's next?

 

[ashley0139]

While I am fortunate to have never had to cut a family member out of my life, I would never be so presumptuous to say that I never would or could. Some people go through absolutely horrible things. I actually admire someone who is able to cut out a toxic person as opposed to letting them affect them emotionally.

I have a great family, but I've actually never really subscribed to the whole family/blood first thing. You don't get to choose your family, whether great or terrible. Just because they are family does not mean you have to accept intolerable behaviors and let them walk all over you.

 

[NCRedding]

I never expected it to happen in our family. My brother died 11 years ago. Since that time, we have maintained contact with my nephew and his sons, stood by them, gave them needed stuff and fun stuff, went to their ballgames, loved them. My parents even paid for his divorce from his first wife. Then he had another child with a different girlfriend, and they broke up when the baby was only 1 month old. When she asked my nephew for diaper money, he decided he didn't want to have anything to do with the baby. We continued our relationship with the baby, without ever saying a word negatively about my nephew. His mother (my former sister in law, and her parents) accused us of taking sides (what sides, we just want to continue to love the children that would have been my big brother's grandchildren). Since that time, he had ignored all family get togethers, except last Christmas. I haven't seen those other two great nephews since then. It hurts me to see my mother expect them for a function (father's day, mother's day, etc) and they never show up.

 

[wenrob]

i've never understood HOW someone could completely cut ties with close relatives.

in the past i've had some major fights with my one sister but we've never even considered cutting ties with each other.

i have a very small family as both of my parents were only children and all of my grandparents, great aunts, and great uncles have passed.

its basically my parents, two sister, 3 nieces, and 1 nephew.
and then we have a few closer cousins and everyone else is distant relation and lives far from us.

i could not imagine not speaking to the few close relatives i have.

We encourage woman not to stay in abusive relationships, why should people stay in abusive relationships because they are blood related? Sometimes you have to choose yourself or your kids and walk away from a toxic, abusive relationship. I personally couldn't imagine letting my kids see/deal with the abuse I/my DH have for the sake of "family." It's a good thing you can't imagine it though, that means you haven't had to deal with it.

To the OP's question, I'd rather not get into a whole lot of detail but when it spills over onto my kids. Me, I will and have put up with a whole lot but when you hurt my kid, it's game over.

 

[disney4us2002]

My mother died after a number of years of ovarian cancer scares and close calls and obviously, she was the glue that held us all together. My father went nuts. That is the only explanation I have. He remarried very quickly because he couldn't be alone and that was a disaster. He sold the house that he & my mom had built and loved and cared for (but she died in) and put all of the equity in his new wife's house. She divorced him within 2 yrs and my father's new hobby became drinking. He would drink all day, every day but never seem drunk, per se. I didn't realize what was going on for a bit but I soon caught on and would no longer allow my kids to spend weekends with him. When my oldest son told me he didn't want to go anywhere with "pop pop" because he was a bad driver and I found out why, I nearly had a stroke. My son was almost 15 and the younger two were luckily clueless at 11 and 8. My dad basically withdrew from our lives at that point because he would rather drink. I understand that alcoholism is a terrible disease and he was lonely and depressed and and and but my kids were NOT going to be put in harm's way or witness to his spiral downward. When it comes to your own children, I think most people, at least good parents, draw the line. That was that. I haven't spoken to him since 2006. The only regret I actually have is that I told him in one of our HUGE blow ups that I wish he had died instead of mom. The irony of it is that he probably doesn't even remember it. I can't help but wonder how different things would be if my mom had never died at age 54. I'm very sad that my boys never knew their grandmother - my mom was beyond awesome!

 

[diznygirl]

um... not me.
born and raised in niagara county new york. (yep the toxic waste dump of the country lol)

Sorry.

 

[Jennasis]

Everyone has a breaking point. Some are MUCH farther away than others. Never say never. You have a breaking point...you're just fortunate to never have been pushed to it.

 

[luvsJack]

I have seen people stop speaking to family over many things. Most of the stories related here certainly give good reason why to cut someone out of their lives.

And while I understand why, I find it very sad when someone is cut out due to alcohol or drug use. While I would never allow my kids to be in danger, I also choose to recognize it as a disease. I have seen people recover from these addiction because they had support from family and I have seen those that never have a chance due to a lack of support.

If I had chosen to cut my dad out of my life due to alcoholism I would have missed so many years with this wonderful father and grandfather.

Of course I realize that as with anything in life there are limits and anyone can reach theirs. And none of us should ever say never.

 

[brookmey]

Almost 16 years ago my dad suffered a TBI. My mom did not handle it well and was very angry with him for years. She put my 3 siblings and I in a position of having to choose sides. I tried to stay neutral and make that clear to her, but it was a "you're either with me or against me" situation, so in her mind I was against her. That, plus years of conflict between the 2 of us, led to me having some major anger issues towards her. Admittedly, I did not treat her very well and I have since apologized and things are fine between us now.

During that time, my mom (still messed up from my dad's injury) turned to my siblings and relayed every event that happened between us. Of course she made herself the victim and never told them the things she said and did. That led to one sister becoming angry with me for how I was "treating" our mom. My mom brought my siblings into our conflict and my sister came after me. She would call me or send emails telling me how crazy I was and what an awful person I was and how I didn't deserve to have anyone love me. She felt sorry for my husband because he had to live with me. Mind you, none of this came from something that happened between her and I. It all came from events between myself and my mom.

I also learned at that time that she had made some comments to my husband, asking him why he married me and how could he stand living with me. She didn't understand what he saw in me. She told him that they (my family) were all on his side and that they wouldn't blame him or be mad if he left me. She said I didn't deserve him and I was lucky to have someone like him.

The last straw for me was at her wedding. She made it very clear I wasn't wanted there and neither were my kids. She called my kids names, criticized them, and excluded them from all wedding activities. She made special plans for all the kids, but mine were not included. At the time my kids were 11 months and 3. There were 7 kids (all under the age of 6) at the wedding and she bought little gifts for all of them but mine. Imagine trying to explain that to my 3 year old.

That was when I decided I was done with her. I tried talking to her, reasoning, and tried to understand her thinking. But she laughed in my face and told me to keep my "brats away" from her and her son. My breaking point was when she went after my kids and used them to hurt me. And the worst part was that she didn't see anything wrong with what she did. I didn't care if she was family, she was not going to treat me or my kids that way. That was 8 years ago. I've only said a few words to her since then and that was only to keep the peace for my parents' sake at their 40th anniversary celebration.

Not one person in my family stood up for me or my kids. No one called my sister out for crossing that line. I never talked to anyone about what she said, but they all know because she told them. And no one called me to sympathize or to even let me know that they felt bad about how she treated my kids. At the wedding my other sister's husband came to me and said "this isn't right" and he shared his kids' gifts with my 3 year old. But not one other person said anything to me.

I have absolutely no regrets over the decision I made about my sister. I don't miss her and it's been a relief to not have to deal with her verbal abuse. She is simply not a good person. My decision was validated 100% 7 years ago when Hurricane Ike hit. Our home suffered over $20,000 in damage due to losing over 75% of our shingles and having major water damage. It was a nightmare to clean up and repair. My sister must have heard about it from my mom because a few days after Ike she sent me a message on Facebook (we were not friends) full of comments like how great karma is and that we get what's coming to us. She's a rotten person to the core and not someone I want to have in my life ever again.

I didn't mean for this to be so long. But I hope my experience can help others understand why some of us do not believe that family is everything and that we shouldn't turn our backs on family. Sometimes years of being treated a certain way take their toll and it takes a lot of courage to finally say enough is enough. My siblings have not been there for me when I needed them, but my close friends have.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The above post (#56) does not surprise me, coming from that poster.

But, I can't help but say:
Just as one other poster mentioned that women are counseled to get out of abusive relationships... and IMHO, most any other relationship is lessor than one's marriage... why should one stay in a bad (toxic, abusive) relationship just because it is 'family;...

I have the very same thoughts about the above post, regarding alcoholism.

It is a very negative and slippery slope, and IMHO, a huge mistake, to think that somebody can save, or 'fix', or be responsible for an toxic, abusive or addicted person, in any way.

I would actually shudder and cringe to think that my child (especially if I had a daughter) might find themselves in such a situation, and have that Florence Nightingale 'FIXER' mentality.

Not to even begin to mention the 'guilt' factor.

As far as I know, most all experts, and al-Anon, etc. make it the first priority for family members to understand that they are NOT responsible for, and and can not 'fix' an abusive, toxic, or addicted person. Bottom line is, the other person has to take responsibility for their own condition.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Criminal activity and immoral behavior.

 

[Disney Doll]

How long do you have?

My father's mother HATED my mother and I. She made darn sure my father doubted my mother, and therefore me, since day 1. She would not allow her precious son to move out of the house, even though he was married and expecting a child. She questioned him so many times about my mother that eventually, my father told my mother that he didn't think I was his child - even after I was born and looked just like him. My mother was not allowed to get a job, go shopping, cut her hair, or even leave the house while she was married to my father. She couldn't even go sit outside - the neighbors might see her!

After 2 1/2 years, Mom had had enough and called her brothers to pick her and I up. She packed a small bag for me and nothing for herself. My father "ran away" (he was afraid of my uncles...all three were Marines; one at the time was a police officer and showed up in uniform, in his cruiser). The next day, we arrived here in CT where I grew up with her and her parents. My father immediately filed for divorce. Thankfully, my mother got custody of me.

Now...my father was supposed to pay $25 per week child support. He did...but he refused to EVER raise that.
He was ordered to carry medical and dental insurance for me. He didn't..."it's too expensive."
Beginning when I was 5, I had to visit him for 4 weeks per year. He was ordered to fly here (Indiana to CT) to pick me up and vice versa, because a child that age "shouldn't" fly alone. He did come to get me...the first time. At the end of the 4 weeks, he put me on a plane BY MYSELF and from then on, every year, I was on my own - because "It's too expensive to buy plane tickets. If you want me to come get her" (he said to my mother), "you can pay for my ticket."
The year that I was 7 or 8 years old, he wasn't even at the airport to meet me (O'Hare in Chicago). I had to find my way to the baggage claim by myself.
He didn't pay any child support for those 4 weeks that I was with him. In fact, he demanded that my mother pay him.
When I arrived at their house, my clothing was taken away from me. I was presented with a box of garage sale clothing and that's what I had to wear.
My father never took time off from work to spend with me. I spent my days going to garage sales with his parents.
I was not allowed to go outside, because the neighbors might see me and steal me.
I was not even allowed to enter the bathroom by myself, because I might fall (I quickly learned to run in, shut and lock the door, but I'd come out to someone standing there with an ear to the door). Showers were impossible - I put my foot down when I was 12, but my father would stand right outside the curtain to make sure I didn't fall.
Around the age of 12, I learned what taxes were. I then found out that my father had LOTS of money in bank accounts that were in my name and SSN - and my mother, as custodial parent, had to pay the taxes on the interest.
He also filed his taxes during the first week of February every year in order to make sure that he claimed me as a dependent before my mother did.

In all, he spent 6 months of my life with me (that I can remember...I don't count my first 18 months of life because I don't remember anything).

Finally, the year I turned 14, his mother said to me one day, "I got your mother out of his life and I'm going to get rid of you, too." A few months later, he drove out here to CT for a weekend visit. At the end of the weekend, he sat down with my grandmother (Mom's mother) and I and proceeded to tell the most fantastical stories that I'd ever heard. His mother had told him that she caught me in his room, going through his drawers, looking for items that other people had given me over the years. She told him that I stole a bunch of toys that they'd bought and smuggled them out in my cassette cases. And many other things...we sat there for 3 hours, yelling and screaming and crying over it all. He eventually stormed out of the house, and the next day he left for home. We never spoke again.

The week of my 31st birthday, I was playing around with genealogy on the internet and checked the Social Security Death Index to see if I could find any relatives. I was shocked to find out that my father had died 6 months earlier. I eventually learned that he'd had a massive stroke on both sides of the brain, one week after his 54th birthday. I can't say I really felt anything and I still don't. He wasn't a father to me - from growing up with my mother's parents, my grandpa was my "dad." But now I find that I'm struggling with what I might tell my son someday when he asks why he doesn't have a grandpa here.

Answer the questions kids ask.

If your son asks why he doesn't have a grandpa, your answer is "he died at a fairly young age". It's the truth.

If your son asks you to tell him
Stories about his grandpa, tell him The truth... That you didn't spend much time with him because your parents were divorced when you were young, so you don't have any good stories. I don't think you need to share the garage sale clothes and bathroom escort. Chances are he'lol n

More likely than not, since your dad was never in his life it won't be an issue.