What is going through my BIL's head?????

[disneychick05]

DH's brother is geting married next weekend. He was the best man in our wedding 5 years ago. BIL decided to pick a friend to be his best man and kept this a secret until a month ago, I guess b/c he knew how hurt DH would be. Needless to say DH was and is very hurt. The bachelor party was planned and DH did not get a phone call or anything about it. At a family party BIL mentioned the date to DH , but DH was never called and given any details by the best man. So DH is not attending and I don't blame him. Now here is what happened today: DS is the ring bearer and BIL called today and aked if there would be someone available to take DS home after the church...DS IS NOT INVITED TO THE RECEPTION!!! This is his Godson who is five years old. How can you ask a little kid to be in your wedding, wear a $100 rented tux, for an hour and then ship the kid home????? You are asking the child to be your ring bearer and he is not even able to eat dinner of dance a little bit???? I have never heard of such silliness. I would have never rented the tux if I would have known this. I am so mad about this I don't know what to do. This whole wedding has been such a slap in the face to us.....Should we say something???? I need to vent...sorry!!

 

[beckmrk04]

I would DEFINITELY speak up. That is beyond rude.

 

[Stacerita]

Thats just rude. I can understand someone not wanting kids at their wedding. But generally, that doesn't apply to the ring bearer or flower girl. I would either speak up and say something or just let it go and take DS to the reception. He is part of the wedding party after all. BIL is way rude though. If he felt like he wanted his friend to be best man, so be it. He should have at least come clean and told DH. And it was tacky to not invite him to the bacehlor party. Your BIL is beyond rude.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

Though he is being rude, it is not your place to really say anything. it's his wedding. i'm sorry you are goingthrought his, but there is stress i'm sure going on with them too. Most likely he will change his mind or say something to you about it, but until the, it really is up to them.

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

I'm sorry this whole situation has created hurt feelings for you and your DH (no doubt I would be hurt too). However, in regards to the best man position - bottom line is, it is their day and your BIL has the right to choose whomever he wishes for his best man. Although it would have been a nice thing to do, I don't think he is under any obligation to return the gesture to your DH. Should you say something? No.

Now, having said that, I don't agree with them asking you not to bring your DS to their wedding reception - it's a joyous celebration for crying out loud!!! Why shouldn't all of the family get to be a part of the celebration?!?! Do I think you should you say something? Yes - I would question their reasoning for not inviting your child/ren. If you agree, go childless - if you don't agree, stay home.

Again, it is their day. It is their perogative to get married by a monkey if they want to - it is your perogative to not attend their reception if you feel strongly enough about it.

Good luck with whatever you decide

 

[shortbun]

While I agree that it is their wedding, they should have given you the parameters of having your son be ring bearer when they asked him to be in the wedding. To call a week or so before and say, "oh yeah, the child can't come to the reception." is just rude. All members of the wedding party should be included in the reception. Your BIL is a cad. Remember this for future events. I doubt I'd attend his reception. I'd be taking my son to a movie.

 

[NJOYURLIFE]

Your post sounds so familiar to me. My brother in law got married 6 years ago. My husband was suppose to be the best man. Our daughter was 4 months old at the time of the wedding and an excellent baby. My brother in law had 5 nieces and nephews including her. About 2 months before the wedding he called my husband and said that the baby was not invited to the wedding because his friend just had a baby and if they allowed our baby and not his friend's baby then his friend would be upset. My husband told him to never ever compare his niece to his friends baby. My husband then said OK, if one of my children is not invited then none of the kids will go, just two of us would go. A big deal was made out of that because what would the guests think if the 5 and 6 year old weren't there. Terrible things were said by the bride who of course had no nieces and nephews. My husband eventually made the decision that none of us would go and we went on a last minute vacation instead. It was a shame because she was an excellent baby, we didn't plan on taking her to the ceremony, and my parents were also invited to the reception so the original plan was that as soon as family pictures and the meal and the beginning dancing were over with, they were going to take all 3 of the kids home so we could enjoy the rest of the night child free. So we were covered if by some slim chance she did decide to be cranky that night.

It took about 2 years before my husband and his brother would be civil to one another again and to this day his wife will not speak to any of us. SHe even refused to go into my mother in laws house one Thanksgiving because my kids were there. My mother in law was watching them because we were with my dad in hospice because he was dying (he passed away the next day). So that tells you what kind of person she is.

And the friend who's baby was also not invited, got busted 2 years later for setting up a meeting online with teenagers to meet in a hotel room about 2 hours from here to have sex. He is currently doing 2-4 years in jail.

While my husband didn't regret what he did, he does regret the effect his actions had on his parents. Because his brothers wife refuses to participate in anything we are included in, it makes holidays and stuff stressfull for them and they have aged a lot since then.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. It is not easy. I know it is their day, but it is your family and while they can decide how they want their day, you can decide how you are going to spend your day also.

 

[magicgirl]

I agree with the others who say that it is up to your BIL to choose hid best man but he could have told your DH.

Regarding your DS, perhaps it is the bride calling the shots. They are usually the ones who make most of the descions. I would get DH to contact BIL and ask him outright. If DS can not go to the reception it might be better for himnot to go to the wedding at all.

 

[epcotfan]

I agree with the others who say that it is up to your BIL to choose hid best man but he could have told your DH.

Regarding your DS, perhaps it is the bride calling the shots. They are usually the ones who make most of the descions. I would get DH to contact BIL and ask him outright. If DS can not go to the reception it might be better for himnot to go to the wedding at all.

I agree. While I don't always agree with children being at all wedding receptions, I think it is unfair to ask your DS to participate in the wedding, but not celebrate after. He is after all, technically part of the wedding party. Not so sure I'd be forking out a 100 bucks for his brief appearance as a ring bearer.

 

[barkley]

i understand those who do not choose to invite children to a wedding ceremony (esp. those whose weddings are held in churches that do not have "guiet rooms" for children"), but generaly this is indicated on an invitation and not casualy mentioned immediatly prior to the event to the parents of children invited to be a part of the wedding party. it seems that something regarding another child or infant may have occured and the bride/groom does not have the bravery to make a distinction.

as for the issue regarding best man-i can honestly say that with regard to wedding party members it comes down to "gut feelings". i was included as a bridesmaid in my bf's (from jr and sr high as well as now close to 30 years past) wedding, but i opted not to invite her because she had been a bridesmaid in close to 30 weddings by the time i married, and she had said to me on many occasions "i wish i was not "honored" by so many invitations". i chose to include less close friend who were truly touched and dedicated to making my wedding a special event. a lot can change in 5 years, esp. when someone marries, we don't intend to exclude people from our lives, but by virtue of being married our relationships and interaction with others can change such that there is not the close relationships that preceded the marriage-so i don't know what the issue is with "keeping it secret" (did no one know who the groomsmen were?) or did no one simply come out and say "x is the best man"?

honestly, if it were dh and i-we tend to focus on behaviours and not individuals. that said-the behaviour of not advising us that ds a member of the wedding party was not included in the wedding festivities would likely cause us to have to race to rearrange plans (and deal with a small child with dashed expectations of the wedding events). that being the case we would likely apoligize that we were unable to accommodate changes at such late notice and wish them well in securing another bridal party attendant.

 

[disneychick05]

Just to clarify...When BIL got engaged we had them over for dinner & BIL's fiance' announced her bridal party at that time, she also asked DS to be the ring bearer at the time...which BIL should have done himself. He said nothing to DH about who the guys were in the bridal party. So somehow we asked the bride that night who the guys in the wedding were and she said well "obviously you are in it" to DH. BIL never formally asked DH to even be in the weding it was just assumed....rude I know. It may sound like DH and his brother are not close, but they really are. BIL was in the WTC on 9/11 and DH had a state trooper folllow him from work for 45 minutes so he could drive at 100 mph to get home and find out where his brother was and if he was ok. They have been extremely close since then. That is fine if BIL picked a friend to be the best man, but why hide it for almost 2 years??

As far as my DS goes, I don't know what to do. We already put a non- refundable deposit down on the tux. So basically he will wear that for an hour or so and then I guess I should run him to McDonalds so the poor kid can eat..... I feel like just taking DS home myself after the wedding and not attending, that may cause WWIII w/ the in-laws though.

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

I hope you can find a peaceful solution!

 

[Quinn222]

It's his wedding and he can do what he wants, but I'd make other plans for the day.

 

[barkley]

i dunno-depending on how old ds is and how aware he is, i just anticipate people coming up to him before/after the ceremony and saying something about the reception (innocently of course-but you know, "oh you look so handsome-will you save a dance for me tonight?"). in which case you end up with a confused and upset kid.

we attended a wedding several years ago wherein the bride wanted everything to be "perfect" and not take the chance a child might upset the reception (i'de be more concerned with those that take too many trips to the open bar myself ). she had one child as one of her attendants and it was a major issue about that child not being invited to the reception (and we're not talking toddler, the little girl was around 9). her mom put her foot down and said that had the bride spelled it out when asking the parent if the child could participate, mom would have taken everything into consideration and made an educated decision. since that was not the case-either the child was afforded the same courtesies as the rest of the wedding party or they would simply choose not to attend. bride decided it was better to keep the child in (i think more for balance re. photos) and the child attended the wedding and reception with no problems what so ever.

i think you have to go with your gut instinct and not worry about what the in-laws think. i had to take a stand (which i'm sure has me somewhat in the dog house on dh's side of the family) re. dh's nephew's wedding this summer. while i understand that tradition dictates that the wedding is held in the bride's hometown, i think consideration to travelers should be given when planning a wedding. the bulk of the groom's family as well as the bridal party (sibs and fellow students at college in groom's hometown-where the bride has lived full time for the past 5 years) will have to travel over 8 hours (each way) by car for this wedding-which they chose to hold the sunday of july 4th weekend-in a peak tourist destination. the hotels are costly most weekends, and raise their rates plus require a 3 nite minimum for the weekend of the 4th. so in order to attend-out of area travelers will have to book 3 nites, pay for their meals and associated costs to attend a wedding/reception that has been clearly stated will last 2 hours max.-because the bride and groom have opted to have cake/punch only in order to have (1) a higher cost photographer, and (2) a more extensive honeymoon.
when the circumstances became apparant i told dh it was crazy to consider using his vacation time and endure 16 hours of car travel (with 2 kids) for a 2 hour event that would likely cost us over $1500 in hotel/eating out alone (not to mention gas, appropriate clothing for the kids, and finding some activities during the trip to keeps the kids from bouncing off the walls in the car/at the hotel).
i find it amusing that the bride and groom (and groom's parents) are so shocked that the bulk of the rsvp's have come back indicating that long time friends and such will be unable to attend

 

[ducklite]

When my sister got married, my son was two. We briefly discussed his being the ring bearer, and determined he was just too young at the time. But he WAS invited to the wedding.

I ended up having a friend watch him for the day, then bring him to the reception AFTER we were all done with dinner. This was arranged long in advance, my friend knew my family but wasn't a "family friend" who would have normally been invited to the wedding if that makes sense. But she was asked to stay for cake, which she gladly did (major sweet tooth LOL!) and then took her leave.

Worked out for everyone, almost reverse of what many do.

That said, I think it's completely out of line for a child who is old enough to be in the wedding party to be excluded from the receptioin. Frankly I'd just tell them you're skipping the entire thing.

Anne

 

[Mercy]

Well this whole thing could blow up and could end good family relations. If it were me, I would have DH talk to his brother, and express the he was hurt about not being best man, but that he does understand that it is HIS day and is not obligated to have DH do the honors. Also, say that BIL could have told DH sooner, which would have eleviated some of the hurt, as opposed to finding out last minute. I don't think it's worth having BIL and DH being angry, etc.

Regarding your son, can't you express to BIL and the bride your concerns regarding your son, and just see how it goes. But you'll have to abide by their wishes.

Oh, and Whoever said you should make other plans for the day is an idiot... sorry.

 

[WIcruizer]

Allow me to be blunt. With all due respect, your DH is acting like a girl. He is offened he wasn't asked to be the best man? And then he pouts because the BP wasn't handled exactly the right way? He is being selfish and immature.

Many, many people choose their best friend to be the Best Man or Maid of Honor. It is your BIL's wedding, and he can choose anyone he wnats to be the Best Man! There may have been confusion in who ws supposed to tell your DH about the BP. It's a wedding! There are hundreds of things going on. And your DH is going to pout because he wasn't notified in a formal way?

Maybe I'm missing something, but it sounds like he's being over-sensitive.

 

[Paging Tom Morrow]

Another guy's point of view here:

Your BIL is a complete astronaut. The wedding itself is the most important part, not the party afterwards. Anyone that they invite to be part of the cermony should obviusly be invited to the party afterwards to celebrate. I would tell him, if you want my son to be the ring bearer, he should be part of the whole day. If you don't feel that he's special enough to be invited to the party, then I don't feel that he's special enough to you to be part of your wedding.

Remember, if you eat the non-refundable deposit, it is still cheaper than paying for the whole tuxedo.

 

[LisaNJ25]

If my brother pulled than 1 will pull my son out of the wedding.

 

[Minnesota!]

I think your DH is being WAY too sensitive about the best man position. Is it really a big deal if he wasn't "chosen"? All it means is he is a few steps further away from BIL at the alter. The horrors! And asking in a formal way? Ummm..is that even done anymore? I just called up the girls I wanted in my wedding and asked if they would. No pomp/circumstance about it.

As far as your son not being allowed. I think him being allowed for dinner and then the wedding party dance would be fine, but then have someone take him home. Tell BIL that's what you are going to do, or you will be pulling him b/c you aren't going to pay $100 for him to wear the tux for 20 minutes (40 if you're Catholic).