What is an "average" inheritance?

[tvguy]

Most of the long term care policies I've looked at only cover a few years. If the person needs to be in a nursing home for a long time, they run out fairly quickly.

My mom's plan covered 3 years, but she bought it so many years ago, it gained another 3 years. When she bought it, she said the average long term care stay was 18 months.

 

[TRICKY_TINK]

inheritance??? What's that? My family has never had one of those. Oh well such is life

 

[scrapquitler]

I think now a days nothing for the most part. I know with grandparents, we just went through the house and took any furniture etc we wanted, but there was no money. I also know many others who have not gotten any actual money. Not the case for some, but I think for most, there isn't money left after all the expenses.

I think this is fairly common. When my Grandma died, there were no financial assets left, just her personal possesions because she had been in a nursing home for a few years prior to her death.

My Mom & Dad worked very hard for all their savings. They helped us get started in life by paying for our education, etc. My dad has already passed away, and now my Mom is relying on their investements and savings to pay her bills. I only hope that she lives long enough to be able to spend every penny of it. I'd rather she lives to use that money than leave it to my brothers and myself. I think that she will probably use all of her savings within the next 5-10 years, if she lives that long (which is questionable, given her health situation). There is a life insurance policy, but I assume that by the time we collect that, we'll have to use most of it to pay off her medical bills. Any money left over will be divided equally among us three siblings. Her personal posessions will be divided among us, and she has already provided direction about specific items. If we don't need to use her insurance policy to pay for outstanding bills, the amount my brothers and I will get won't be huge, but it would probably be enough to help us a little bit. But we certainly aren't counting on getting it.

I had an elderly aunt who passed away maybe 10 years ago. She was a widow and had no children, but had a bunch of money put aside. She had a list of people specified in her will and each person listed got $2500. Ther was one larger account specified to go to another specific person, and the remainder was divided equally among my Grandmother, my Dad and my Uncle. I think her estate totalled a little over $100K at the time of her death, but there was no real estate involved.

 

[Pigeon]

See, this is something i don't like about our society- the idea that you might be "unlucky" to have to care for your aging parents. I understand it can be very challenging to take care of an aging parent or grandparent. I don't discount that. But I feel like it is my duty, and my privilege to do so. Skipping the last generation , this was the norm for our society for hundreds, thousands of years. The elderly in most cases still have much to contribute, even up to the point of needing intensive care... It will be my honor to serve my parents in the way they served us for so many years.

Clearly you had good parents. I did too. We were lucky in the parent lottery. I know many people though who had abusive or neglectful parents. I also know lots of people whose parents never planned for retirement. In those cases, I can understand completely if the kids aren't too enthusiastic about ending up with mom and dad.

 

[Colleen27]

See, this is something i don't like about our society- the idea that you might be "unlucky" to have to care for your aging parents. I understand it can be very challenging to take care of an aging parent or grandparent. I don't discount that. But I feel like it is my duty, and my privilege to do so. Skipping the last generation , this was the norm for our society for hundreds, thousands of years. The elderly in most cases still have much to contribute, even up to the point of needing intensive care... It will be my honor to serve my parents in the way they served us for so many years.

But for most families in this country today it is extremely burdensome to support an aging parent in addition to one's children and household. And that can't be compared to past generations - my grandparents didn't have to think about how to afford a 6-figure college education while they were caring for their parents, they didn't have to sacrifice an income to provide that care because my grandmother wasn't employed, and the cost of their parents' late-in-life medical care didn't run into hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Even with social security, a small pension, medicare, and eventually medicaid my mother was contributing a couple thousand dollars a month for my grandmother's care and upkeep, and I will count myself lucky if we don't have to scramble to figure out how to do the same.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

See, this is something i don't like about our society- the idea that you might be "unlucky" to have to care for your aging parents. I understand it can be very challenging to take care of an aging parent or grandparent. I don't discount that. But I feel like it is my duty, and my privilege to do so. Skipping the last generation , this was the norm for our society for hundreds, thousands of years. The elderly in most cases still have much to contribute, even up to the point of needing intensive care... It will be my honor to serve my parents in the way they served us for so many years.

I don't think it's quite that simple. Until the 20th century, there really weren't treatments for cancer, diabetes, high cholesteral, etc. Even things like pneumonia took many more lives than they do today. And let's not forget that in some cultures, like the Eskimos, old people (and sometimes babies, when times were tough) were put on ice floes and left to die. I'm not arguing that people shouldn't care for their own, but it hasn't been sunshine and lollipops up until this point.

And some people get luckier than others, both in the parent department, and in the aging department. It's heartbreaking to see a loved one waste away with Alzheimer's, yet their body is in good shape, and they can live with no mind for decades. It makes you wonder if a mercifully quick heart attack would have been easier to deal with.

 

[SuzanneSLO]

See, this is something i don't like about our society- the idea that you might be "unlucky" to have to care for your aging parents. I understand it can be very challenging to take care of an aging parent or grandparent. I don't discount that. But I feel like it is my duty, and my privilege to do so. Skipping the last generation , this was the norm for our society for hundreds, thousands of years. The elderly in most cases still have much to contribute, even up to the point of needing intensive care... It will be my honor to serve my parents in the way they served us for so many years.

I think you are being way too harsh on dr&momto2boys.
I would feel lucky indeed if my parents were able to live independently until the day they die. It is what they would want and thus, what I would want for them.
So if I needed to care for one or both of them, I would see that as "unlucky."
My parent's cared for my maternal grandmother for about 8 years and it was very hard on them. At the time they started to care for her, my mother was recently retired. Although they had the financial resources to travel, my parents were tied to home by their need to provide care for my grandmother. My grandmother became more and more difficult as she lost her ability to interact with the world as her hearing and eyesight failed. It may appear insensitve to others, but our family celebrated that my parents could plan a cruise on the way home from my grandmother's memorial service.
-- Suzanne

 

[eliza61]

I think what pocomom means is the general attitude we have of viewing the elderly as burdensome. Now I'm talking in general; not if you have lousy parents. There was a time when Multigenerational familie were very normal. Now we treat our elderly horribly and most people do get an attitude if they have to help in any fashion. My parents are deceased but I was all prepared to have my dad move in with me if necessary. And I darn sure wouldn't have put him in a nursing home.

 

[OhMari]

This thread is really interesting.
I could comment on so many of the subjects going on.
Makes me feel, like I am not so alone having to deal with some of the issues in the not to distant future.

 

[dawnball]

I also know lots of people whose parents never planned for retirement. In those cases, I can understand completely if the kids aren't too enthusiastic about ending up with mom and dad.

DH's mom has lived beyond her means for her entire life, and her mom has enabled that by sending her money every month. When he graduated college, his grandmother said to him "Now, I expect you to send your mother $900/month, so she can keep living as she's been living." When she was disabled at 55, she had $6,000 in her retirement account.

I strongly suspect we'll end up supporting my MIL at some point, and we've agreed between us that we'll do it (we already cover a few things, like her cell phone bill and her housekeeper) - but "enthusiastic" isn't a word I'd use to describe how I feel about that. If we had more similar values when it came to money and material possessions - it would be easier. I'm much happier paying for her housekeeper than I am for her dozen (at list price!) magazine and newspaper subscriptions.

 

[Colleen27]

I think what pocomom means is the general attitude we have of viewing the elderly as burdensome. Now I'm talking in general; not if you have lousy parents. There was a time when Multigenerational familie were very normal. Now we treat our elderly horribly and most people do get an attitude if they have to help in any fashion. My parents are deceased but I was all prepared to have my dad move in with me if necessary. And I darn sure wouldn't have put him in a nursing home.

True enough. I've been watching this play out with my grandmother's generation and some of the things I've seen just blow my mind. My grandmother was one of 16 children, 12 of whom lived into old age. The difference between one branch of the family and another when it comes to dealing with that old age is incredible. There seem to be a handful of caregiver-types in my mom's generation but most seem to see assisted living/nursing homes as the ideal solution because that way the kids can help financially if needed but never have to help physically.

 

[Ginny Favers]

I don't know . . . were you prepared to clean up your father's bathroom mishaps and wipe him and bathe him? My mother had to do that for years for my grandfather. She said it was the most humbling and draining experience of her life, and she's had some bad experiences. She also thought that he probably would have preferred to be in a nursing home than let his children see him that way. I guess I don't necessarily see putting the elderly in a nursing home as being "horrible" treatment...

 

[HM]

I don't know . . . were you prepared to clean up your father's bathroom mishaps and wipe him and bathe him? My mother had to do that for years for my grandfather. She said it was the most humbling and draining experience of her life, and she's had some bad experiences. She also thought that he probably would have preferred to be in a nursing home than let his children see him that way. I guess I don't necessarily see putting the elderly in a nursing home as being "horrible" treatment...

Agreed.
My FIL took care of all my MILs needs for two years after her Alzheimer's got to the point she couldn't care for herself. It was so draining on him and she was very unhappy (to have a man she "didn't know" cleaning her up). She's been in a facility for six months now and it so much happier and he is so less stressed.

And luckily he planned ahead for this with good long-term care insurance (for life).

 

[angierae]

Agreed.
My FIL took care of all my MILs needs for two years after her Alzheimer's got to the point she couldn't care for herself. It was so draining on him and she was very unhappy (to have a man she "didn't know" cleaning her up). She's been in a facility for six months now and it so much happier and he is so less stressed.

And luckily he planned ahead for this with good long-term care insurance (for life).

A family member had to put his mother in a nursing home because her Alzheimer's got so bad she was coming into their bedroom at night and screaming at his wife for sleeping with her "husband" (she thought her son was her husband, who had been dead for many years.) They actually worried she'd become violent.

They moved her into a nursing home, where she soon decided she was working as a nurse's aid during the war, and was perfectly happy to wander around talking to people and "helping." She was far, far happier once she wasn't confused by being around family members she was misidentifying.

 

[DisneyMomma81]

A family member had to put his mother in a nursing home because her Alzheimer's got so bad she was coming into their bedroom at night and screaming at his wife for sleeping with her "husband" (she thought her son was her husband, who had been dead for many years.) They actually worried she'd become violent.

They moved her into a nursing home, where she soon decided she was working as a nurse's aid during the war, and was perfectly happy to wander around talking to people and "helping." She was far, far happier once she wasn't confused by being around family members she was misidentifying.

So sad. Why does this happen? Such a cruel thing to happen to our minds.

 

[eliza61]

I don't know . . . were you prepared to clean up your father's bathroom mishaps and wipe him and bathe him? My mother had to do that for years for my grandfather. She said it was the most humbling and draining experience of her life, and she's had some bad experiences. She also thought that he probably would have preferred to be in a nursing home than let his children see him that way. I guess I don't necessarily see putting the elderly in a nursing home as being "horrible" treatment...

Of course not all situations are "horrible" and there are some situations that make it necessary. In general the overall feeling in this country is that the elderly are a burden.

First, let me say I have not had any direct relatives that required nursey care so this is my view from the outside looking in. I am in no position to judge or question anyone who has to make this difficult choice.

My dad volunteered in a nursing home, it seemed to him, all too often the patients rarely get visitors and are all but abadoned. and then there is also the rampant abuse that occurs in nursing homes (don't mean just physical but poor treatment).

there's a reason why folks don't want to go to them in the first place.

Now I grew up in a multigenerational family, my grandparents lived with either my family or my uncles family until they died. It never seemed onerous to me but I am looking back on it from adulthood. my parents may have had other views. Unless medically necessary none of my parents would have gone into a nursey home. My birth mom died when I was young from cancer. she stayed at home until the night she died. we never considered sending her to hospice. My father also died at home.

my dh is from Portugal where the concept of sending someone to a nursey home (outside ofneeding daily medical care) is not the average. My MIL is 75 and lives in Philadelphia with my SIL. My FIL (they're divorced) is 79 and lives with cousins in Lisbon. we are going to visit him in Europe in less than a week. Now luckily both are in pretty good shape physically. Financially, they are not rich. My SIL hasn't complained to me or my dh (that Iknow of) about the financial hardship. She does have health insurance, gets ss and generally when she travels it's with family members. I'll take her to wdw with me and I have no issues paying for it. I don't send her money monthly but have no issues sending her 500 bucks for mother's day.

So it is strange to me, when I hear people say they hate being responsible for their parents IN GENERAL. (I know some parents where horrid, I'm speaking very generally)

 

[Darcy03231]

My sister and I plan to keep our parents out of a nursing home for as long as we're able to. Right now, luckily, they are in great health and not in need of any help from us. The only time we would consider nursing home care would be if their medical conditions deteriorated enough that we felt that we could no longer reasonably care for them at home.

When my aunt had to go to a nursing home someone from the family visited with her every day. We found that made a huge difference in the type of care she received. It was really sad to see some of the people there who had no one checking in on them. I don't blame the nursing home workers as I'm sure they are understaffed for the amount of patients they have.

 

[shortbun]

...

When my aunt had to go to a nursing home someone from the family visited with her every day. We found that made a huge difference in the type of care she received. It was really sad to see some of the people there who had no one checking in on them. I don't blame the nursing home workers as I'm sure they are understaffed for the amount of patients they have.

You are so right about this!!! We also kept candy for the staff in my aunt's room. This guaranteed that she got people in and out often. We carried in cakes, pizzas, M&M's. My aunt got two visits a day from family. When my son was born, I'd take him into her room and the aides and nurses flocked in to see the baby. I didn't let anyone hold him but he got lots of looks! Auntie got great care. Some people there did not. I think it is human nature that when you see someone is loved, you find it easier to love them too.

 

[Pigeon]

Household circumstances tend to be quite different than they were in the "olden days." If my father or MIL (both are 90) were going to move in with us, I'm not really that sure how much it would benefit them.

Dh and I both work and will be working for many more years. We have teenagers and we are rarely home in the evening, and have lots of activities and necessary errands that take us out of the house during the weekends.

The days of having someone, usually a woman, around to take care of the old folks is over for many families.

 

[HM]

Household circumstances tend to be quite different than they were in the "olden days." If my father or MIL (both are 90) were going to move in with us, I'm not really that sure how much it would benefit them.

Dh and I both work and will be working for many more years. We have teenagers and we are rarely home in the evening, and have lots of activities and necessary errands that take us out of the house during the weekends.

The days of having someone, usually a woman, around to take care of the old folks is over for many families.

This is a VERY good point.