What do you think is best? Final update

[horseshowmom]

DD and her BF have been together for about a year and a half. We all love him, but she's come to the point that while she is very attached to him, she feels that their goals in life just aren't the same and that it's time to "breakup". She's very concerned about how he'll take it, because he would love to get married in May when he finishes at the university (they are not engaged).

After a lot of tears, she has made up her mind to end the relationship but is having trouble deciding when because of the holidays.

Option 1
She would like to go ahead and do it this weekend (which is the 9th), because she doesn't want to go through Christmas "pretending like everything is okay" at his family gatherings, etc. (she loves his family too, and it's killing her to think of hurting any of them).

Option 2
On the other hand, he is going to be a groomsman in a wedding on the 17th. Her dad has said that it may be awfully hard on him to have to be in a wedding the weekend after the girl he wants to marry breaks up with him. He's pretty sentimental, and I'm almost in tears thinking about it. We discussed her telling him that night after the wedding, but then that's only a week before Christmas.

She also feels bad about him spending money on her for Christmas. He won't shop until immediately before Christmas, so if she breaks up a week or so before then, he'll be able to keep his money - but it won't be a happy Christmas.

Option 3
She can wait until after Christmas, but she said that she would feel like such a fraud, and they've always been completely honest with each other.


I just don't know what to do. If it weren't for the wedding, I'd say breakup this weekend, but that throws a wrench into everything. I'd love to hear your thoughts...

 

[airhead]

...The sooner the better. Don't wait because there will always be a reason not to do it. If your daughter feels like they shouldn't be together,she needs to tell him now.

 

[ziggystardust]

if it has to be done, it has to be done. waiting will only hurt more.

 

[Christine]

My thoughts: There seems to be no "perfect" time to tell him. There is always one thing or another coming up. And if she does wait until after Christmas, she will feel like a fraud and he will probably feel like he's been strung along and resent her for it.

My vote is to do it right away. I know the wedding is a sticky issue, but if he is a sane, healthy adult, he should be able to deal with this. Yeah, he will not be happy AT ALL, but he should be able to get through it. If he can't, there are more serious issues going on.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

The earlier the better, if she keep delays it, it will only get worse for both her and her BF.

 

[NMAmy]

It's better to do it now than to wait. It'll just be harder for both of them if she puts it off.

 

[shortbun]

There will always be a reason to delay. She should do it now and let him move on. Sorry she and he will be sad, I know.

 

[cheerful chickadee]

I think she should tell him now, before the wedding he's going to be in. He will be hurt regardless of when it happens, why put off the inevitable and have to go through the Holidays "faking" that everything is great. Although being at a wedding and being "alone" on the Holidays might make it a little harder on him, it's best to do it sooner rather than later.

 

[Nickunited]

I agree - do it right away - I was in a position similar to hers - where I was unhappy but delaying - I regretted it because it was unfair to me and to her!!!! Do it! As far as the wedding - If he is a groomsman - he will party with his friends! Being around friends is the best way to get over a relationship!

Your DD is a very smart girl for realizing that it was not going anywhere! It takes a strong person to admit that!

 

[akhenaten]

My sister always told me not to make major life decisions during the holidays....


good luck to your DD with whatever she chooses to do...

 

[Beth76]

I agree with the others: she should not wait. One thing though. Is she invited to the wedding? Would she still attend? If you really feel like the wedding will be hard on him, then *maybe* she should wait until after--for the sake of the bride. But, really like Christine said, if he's sane he should be able to get through it fine.

 

[horseshowmom]

I agree with the others: she should not wait. One thing though. Is she invited to the wedding? Would she still attend? If you really feel like the wedding will be hard on him, then *maybe* she should wait until after--for the sake of the bride. But, really like Christine said, if he's sane he should be able to get through it fine.

She would only have been at the wedding because of him (it's one of the guys he lived with at college). We actually did consider the situation with the bride and groom as well (she thinks they're both wonderful).

He's a very well-grounded young man and a great guy to boot. It's just basically what Nickunited said, the relationship just isn't going anywhere.

I really appreciate all of the advice. She's really been leaning toward going ahead and getting this over with, but she was open to hearing other ideas as well. I told her that she's the one who has to ultimately decide what's best and that we'll be there for her. Thanks for the input!

 

[disykat]

I would probably wait until after the wedding. I was in a wedding where one of the bridesmaids had just broken off an engagement. It was difficult because everyone (including the bride) were all very sensitive to what a hard thing it was for her. It did affect the occasion. The bridesmaid was perfectly sane, but that didn't keep everyone from being worried about her feelings.

I guess I'd be gradually drawing back and hoping that when I was ready to tell him it wouldn't fall like a bomb. Hopefully they've been discussing their issues and he already knows everything isn't hunky dory. I would think the wedding would actually bring up good topics of conversation for them. I'd hate to think that the first time he had any indication she wasn't ready to jump right into a marriage would be when she was dumping him.

 

[CapeCodTenor]

I agree with the majority...do it sooner rather than later.

 

[horseshowmom]

I would probably wait until after the wedding. I was in a wedding where one of the bridesmaids had just broken off an engagement. It was difficult because everyone (including the bride) were all very sensitive to what a hard thing it was for her. It did affect the occasion. The bridesmaid was perfectly sane, but that didn't keep everyone from being worried about her feelings.

I guess I'd be gradually drawing back and hoping that when I was ready to tell him it wouldn't fall like a bomb. Hopefully they've been discussing their issues and he already knows everything isn't hunky dory. I would think the wedding would actually bring up good topics of conversation for them. I'd hate to think that the first time he had any indication she wasn't ready to jump right into a marriage would be when she was dumping him.

You're correct in that this isn't going to come as a complete surprise to him, but she says that he's a little bit in denial and keeps telling her that everything will be fine when she tries to talk to him. This has been coming for more than a month while she wrestled with feeling guilty over being the one who "wants out". She truly does care about him but just knows this relationship isn't going to work out in the long run.

 

[MamaLema]

I agree with PP, the sooner the better.

You should feel proud as a mother that you have raised your daughter to make such mature decisions. I think all too often, people stay because they don't want to be alone or for other reasons. It takes courage to do what your daughter is doing, especially if she loves him

 

[Chicago526]

Wow, what a tough spot!

I'd say do it before the wedding, sooner the better. If she truely feels she needs to wait, then I'd do it RIGHT after the wedding (like the next day) and before Christmas.

Another thing, if he is in denial already about their relationship going down the drain, then she needs to make it clear that this is a BREAKUP and that it is OVER. I don't think she should even go the "lets still be friends" route. It's very possible that he'll get a mixed message, or feel that there is still "hope". A clean break is painful, but best in the long run for all concerned.

 

[minnie56]

IMO

My DD was recently on the 'receiving end' of this kind of situation and it broke her heart and even more so with the Holidays coming. It can be a melancholy kind of time anyway and heartbreak doesn't help!

Perhaps she could 'plant the seed' that she is considering a time apart to see what her feelings truly are and prep him rather than end it once and for all?

Just my thoughts....it's a killer either way....God love them both

 

[horseshowmom]

I agree with PP, the sooner the better.

You should feel proud as a mother that you have raised your daughter to make such mature decisions. I think all too often, people stay because they don't want to be alone or for other reasons. It takes courage to do what your daughter is doing, especially if she loves him

Thanks for the kind words. She really is a great kid (and so is he).

 

[horseshowmom]

Wow, what a tough spot!

Another thing, if he is in denial already about their relationship going down the drain, then she needs to make it clear that this is a BREAKUP and that it is OVER. I don't think she should even go the "lets still be friends" route. It's very possible that he'll get a mixed message, or feel that there is still "hope". A clean break is painful, but best in the long run for all concerned.

That had crossed my mind as well, and I think it is definitely over. She didn't make this decision lightly or quickly. Fortunately, they are at different universities with only a few mutual friends.