What do you think is best? Final update

[horseshowmom]

IMO

My DD was recently on the 'receiving end' of this kind of situation and it broke her heart and even more so with the Holidays coming. It can be a melancholy kind of time anyway and heartbreak doesn't help!

Perhaps she could 'plant the seed' that she is considering a time apart to see what her feelings truly are and prep him rather than end it once and for all?

Just my thoughts....it's a killer either way....God love them both

Not to sound melodramatic, but I've had to fight tears several times today. His family absolutely adores her as she does them. Of course, we feel the same way about him. Someone posted in another thread that they thought it was easier going through the BF problems yourself than it is watching your DD go through it. I think I agree...

 

[minnie56]

And that was me that said that I thought it would be easier to go through it myself rather than watch my child....my heart aches for your daughter, her boyfriend and you. I still hurt for.. and with.. my daughter and I know her ex hurts too. Many tears have been shed by all of us so you are not being melodramatic at all. My eyes were red for days....I thought I was pretty pathetic actually lol...

We also adored him...life is different these days...but it really is all about time being the healer. Please keep us posted ..I for one will be thinking of you.

 

[horseshowmom]

Thanks a bunch!

 

[robinb]

I would probably wait until after the wedding. I was in a wedding where one of the bridesmaids had just broken off an engagement. It was difficult because everyone (including the bride) were all very sensitive to what a hard thing it was for her. It did affect the occasion. The bridesmaid was perfectly sane, but that didn't keep everyone from being worried about her feelings.

But don't you think it would be cruel to him for her to attend the wedding and have him get all mushy and misty-eyed thinking about the wedding he would love to plan in May? Only to have her break up with him the next week? While I feel for the bride, I think it would be better for the people involved to break up ASAP.

 

[Beth76]

But don't you think it would be cruel to him for her to attend the wedding and have him get all mushy and misty-eyed thinking about the wedding he would love to plan in May? Only to have her break up with him the next week? While I feel for the bride, I think it would be better for the people involved to break up ASAP.

This gave me a thought. What if he gets all mushy and misty-eyed at this wedding and PROPOSES?!

 

[disykat]

If it's not a surprise to him that they are having issues, he's not going to be proposing! I've only been through one "surprise" breakup, but it was very painful for me. Twenty years later, I still remember the date. I do think timing should come into play. That's why I suggested waiting. However, the OP replied that it will not be a surprise. He knows they are having issues.

 

[Keggy]

She needs to do it ASAP.

THe sooner the better.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If she is 100% dead sure, then she should probably go ahead and do it.

However, I guess I am just not getting the whole thing. All the comments about how he is a great guy, and how the families adore each of them, etc...

If they have been together all this time, and everything has been good, then should she not at least be able to talk to him about her feelings?

But, then again, if she can't talk to him, and if she is so sure, then I guess maybe there are some serious problems there after all. ( Ohhhhh, I am just now seeing where the OP did say that she has tryed to talk to him )

 

[horseshowmom]

Thank you for all of your suggestions. They were very helpful. Nickunited, I think it made her feel better to know that somebody else knew what she was going through.

She's decided to go ahead and tell him this weekend. They both are taking exams this week, or she would have already told him (she didn't want to take a chance on messing up his grades/scholarship).

I don't know how she's made it through though. She cries every night after he calls her. She's come to terms with her decision and is convinced she's making the right decision (for both of them in the long run), she just hates that it's going to hurt him.

She thought a lot about the wedding and decided that there was the potential for some problems there. At the groom's tool shower (that was new to me, and I thought it was a great idea for a groom) everybody kept asking when they were getting engaged. She said the wedding would have been as bad or worse (not to mention the rehearsal dinner). The last thing she wanted was to break down in tears or "fake" the whole thing.

Thanks again to everybody...

 

[akhenaten]

Sounds like she thought everything through and really knows what she wants.
Very wise to think about all of those "your Next" comments at the wedding and also very considerate to not want to do anything to hurt his exam results!

I hope she has been able to focus on hers....

and good luck to you all this weekend!!

 

[KarenAylwood]

sbclifton~ I went through the same thing with my ex-BF. We had been together for two years, practically three (the first year was not really official, but might as well have been). We thought we were made for eachother, talked about marriage, etc. He was two years older and went to law school while I finished undergrad, and I KNOW he was planning to propose.

The only thing worse than spending "faked" time with him towards the end were the "oooo when are YOU guys getting married????" "I bet you're next!" "do you know when he's going to propose? has he picked out the ring?"

Makes me sick to think about it. And I'm sure that's what the wedding would have been like!!

I waited to do it in person when I saw him after my birthday... insult to injury was the expensive present he gave me right before I did it- then he refused to take back the gift.

The holidays may seem like a bad time to do it, but at least it's pretty far before Valentines Day!! That would be even worse! At least during the holidays he'll be surrounded by family and friends who can support him. Same with the wedding- will remind him of how sad he is- but he'll have his friends there to support him.

I feel for her... I've been in her situation and it sucks, but it's the best for everyone.

Please wish her goodluck for me.


[P.S. There's a happy ending to my story! My current DBF and I have been together for 2 and a half years now, we're living together and I've never been so happy in my entire life! I still can't believe it's been so long- I'm still in the puppy love stage ]

 

[horseshowmom]

sbclifton~ I went through the same thing with my ex-BF. We had been together for two years, practically three (the first year was not really official, but might as well have been). We thought we were made for eachother, talked about marriage, etc. He was two years older and went to law school while I finished undergrad, and I KNOW he was planning to propose.

The only thing worse than spending "faked" time with him towards the end were the "oooo when are YOU guys getting married????" "I bet you're next!" "do you know when he's going to propose? has he picked out the ring?"

Makes me sick to think about it. And I'm sure that's what the wedding would have been like!!

I waited to do it in person when I saw him after my birthday... insult to injury was the expensive present he gave me right before I did it- then he refused to take back the gift.

The holidays may seem like a bad time to do it, but at least it's pretty far before Valentines Day!! That would be even worse! At least during the holidays he'll be surrounded by family and friends who can support him. Same with the wedding- will remind him of how sad he is- but he'll have his friends there to support him.

I feel for her... I've been in her situation and it sucks, but it's the best for everyone.

Please wish her goodluck for me.


[P.S. There's a happy ending to my story! My current DBF and I have been together for 2 and a half years now, we're living together and I've never been so happy in my entire life! I still can't believe it's been so long- I'm still in the puppy love stage ]

BF never shops until JUST before Christmas, so she's hoping to preempt the Christmas present.

She's hoping that once he gets back to school after the holidays, he'll get busy and that will help.

After your 2-3 years, I'm sure you'll understand when she says that it's going to be really hard getting used to him not being there. They were good friends as well as GF/BF.

I've told her that as bad as she's hurting right now, it's like a toothache that's always there until you get it fixed. After it's fixed (which may hurt some at the time), it will begin to get better.

 

[horseshowmom]

DD just called and is on her way to meet her BF for "the talk". Bless her heart, she was crying on the phone just talking to me. This is going to be so, so hard for both of them...

 

[Shugardrawers]

I have to agree that sooner is much better than later. My first thought was OMG what if he's planning on getting her an engagement ring for christmas? So much better to break up first than be mortified and humiliated when your intended has to say no. I also think going the friends route is bad. I've had a few break ups where we said we'd stay friends and one or the other of us just held out hope and was jealous. Good for your DD for loving him enough to hurt him. I know that sounds awful but dragging it out is so much worse and this way he can get on with his life and find the right woman for him. to your DD, she'll need it. She'll feel awful but she's doing the right thing.

 

[horseshowmom]

For those who had asked me to keep the situation updated:

DD met with her BF yesterday afternoon when he got home from school. He was really upset but did acknowledge that he had a suspicion that this was what she wanted when she called and asked him to meet her. While he was upset and a little loud at times, he wasn't angry with her personally and admitted that she had tried and tried to talk to him.

He thanked her for waiting until after his exams were over while recognizing that she'd been dealing with this by herself while her own exams were going on. At the end, he kissed her on the forehead and told her that she needed to go home to study for the exam that she has this morning.

She's at peace with her decision but still cried a lot last night for his sake. Her dad and I have felt terrible for him too. Fortunately, he was a wonderful family who is very close, and I know that they'll take good care of him. When he gets back to school, his friends will drag him out to do stuff, and it will eventually be better.

This has been hard...

 

[robinb]

You should be very proud of your daughter. You raised her right. {{hugs}}

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm really sad and thought I'd update my previous post in case anybody was interested.

It's been 3 months since DD and her BF broke up. She's dating somebody else but still doesn't like to talk about the old BF. It upsets her if she thinks about him much (which makes me wonder a little bit, but I stay out of it).

I talked to his mother yesterday (for the first time since they broke up). She said that he's not doing well. I mean, he's going to school and doing okay getting ready to graduate with his B.S., but he won't date anybody and and has had a really hard time. He'll go out with his friends but that's about it. She said that he still has DD's Christmas present (wouldn't take it back and won't give it to anybody else).

She said how much they missed DD, and I told her that we were the same, because we really do love him. She said that she's kept her picture and that they still love her just as much. We were really glad to talk to each other even though we both cried and cried (both of us admitted that we had wanted to call the other one and talk but didn't know how the other one felt).

On another thread somebody said that having a child was like letting your heart walk around outside your body. It's really hard sometimes, isn't it....

 

[minnie56]

Your daughter had her heartbreak around the same time as my DD was going through the same thing...

For her it is almost 4 months later and though of course she is much better I know there are times that her heart aches. I think it's almost as tough on Mum too! I just have to hear mention of his name and I feel that same tug...

Who knew having kids would be so hard at times?

Like you, I wonder how 'his' Mum is doing...it is always very sad for all concerned...