What do you send in sympathy?

[poohfriend77]

My dad passed away suddenly in November, and lots of people dropped food off at my mom's house. It was a nice mix of things family could eat those first few days and stuff my mom could freeze and have for dinner later on. That was nice because I wasn't sure she'd want to cook just for herself.

Her good friend came over while we were at the funeral home making arrangements and cleaned (vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed kitchen floor, bathrooms) so my mom wouldn't be stressed about cleaning when people dropped by. Obviously you have to be a very close friend to do something like that, but it was so nice!

I got a couple cards with restaurant/pizza gift cards, which was totally unexpected and appreciated! I also got a pack of postage stamps in a card. What a great idea! I had so many thank you cards to send, and the stamps just took one thing off my "to-do" list. Simple, but appreciated.

I will add that if you just send money to someone, include a note about what it's for. My mom received several checks/cash, and she assumed that they were meant to be donated in my dad's honor or have Masses said, rather than for her use. If you just want to help with expenses, pay for hotels, groceries, etc.... say so!

 

[smidgen21]

We usually send a plant to the family and donate to the deceases favorite charity (my mom, sister, and I do this as a group). The most unique gift I've seen given was to my aunt after my uncle died, she received a blanket and a teddy bear from another widow (who had recvd the same gift when she was first widowed). The woman told her that the many sleepless nights that followed were a little easier with something to cuddle since the bed is now so empty. My aunt now continues to do this for others.

 

[ferrytale]

I found that the florist I like to use also does gift baskets - fruit baskets and bread baskets. I sent the bread basket to my dad's when my step mom's father passed away and he said they enjoyed it a lot b/c they had gotten a lot of fruit baskets and flowers, and the bread was different and a nice for either a snack, or breakfast, or with meals. It was an assortment of breads, pastries, rolls, etc. The only "problem", which really isn't, is that they need at least a day so they can get the breads fresh, so you can't call and have it delivered the same day.

 

[it's kelly]

When my father passed away (1990) most people sent food. They took up a collection at his job and had an alarm installed on our house as my mother was left alone with 2 small kids.

My mother passed in 2008 and again we received a lot of food. We also asked for no flowers as the funeral was small (per her request) and had people make donations to the Komen Breast Cancer fund.

 

[coolbeans]

Wind charms, which I will hang on our porch

I got wind chimes after my dad died, they are super special for some reason.. i love to listen to them and think of him.

 

[leebee]

After my mother's memorial service we had a bunch of people over to the house. One of the very best "gifts" was given by my brother's ex-girlfriend. She worked in the kitchen- yes, my kitchen. She set the food out, kept the platters full, made sure there were enough plates, utensils, whatever, cleared empty plates to the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, etc. My mind was scattered at the time and it was really wonderful to have someone host the reception. I had the chance to talk and reminisce with friends and relatives while someone else kept things running smoothly. This wasn't ever planned; she just arrived that morning, before the service, and said, "I'll take care of things here." It was such a relief to not have to manage a "party" at a time like that.

 

[Newfie2000]

OK I send flowers but I don't send funeral flowers. I pick a bright, cheery bouquet and send it to the house, not the funeral home. That way, when the family is home and missing their loved ones they can see the flowers and know that I love them and am there with them! Maybe cheesy and weird, but I like it

I thought maybe you would like to know that if you are wierd then I am too I do this, usually for a wife that loses her husband! I have seen countless dumpsters full of flowers after a wake/funeral and truthfully it sickens me. I always felt that flowers in the home would be enjoyed more while having a cup of coffee and starting some of the most difficult days would be much more appreciated. If I know that the person had a favorite flower or color then I am sure to include those.

For some very close family members I have also made some "forever bouquets" of flowers. I buy the very good realistic individual roses (they are like $6.00 each around here) but they look so life-like, and then I use a pretty glass vase and that stuff that appears to be water but dries hard. Then I include a very personal note to the person that these are forever flowers - the rest of the note is very personal and extremely customized depending on the situation - I'm sure you can get the idea. I have gotten wonderful feedback on these and know thatyears later I still see them displayed in the receivers home.

I am not sure there is a right answer for everyone as each individual is so special and so unique that the best answer seems to come from within the heart. I usually sit and think about it very carefully and follow the direction my heart seems to lead me.

 

[Newfie2000]

I have also gotten dozens of carnations and roses (of course I do speak to someone in the immediate family first) and hand them out at the graveside or as we leave the funeral home. I know many people do not wish to have the extra expense of doing this so I offer it if they would like. We usually give roses to the family and carnations to everyone else. I have noticed that lots of people chooose to take their flower home with them and not lay it at the casket and that's okay by me too.

One of my uncles once told me that after his wife died his house became flooded with people for days afterwards and simple things like paper towels, toilet paper, plastic cups, napkins, paper plates, etc. suddenly became a problem as he was not planning on having a four or five day open house - nor was he in a state of mind to run and get these items so often I will make a trip to the store and stock up on these things and just drop them off. Thay also always seem to be appreciated.

Depending on the family and how thngs are happening we have also offered to take groups of children to the park or to the zoo and stay gone for several hours allowing the adults some down time to talk and not have to worry about little ones. I figure this also gives friends and cousins very valuable time together - especially when they come from far away. This often seems to happen like the day after the death while plans are still being made and before the wake. Again it really depends on the particular family or situation. One of my cousins always opens up her house to all children for a big slumber party - just to get their minds off it and again give the family a chance to unwind privately.

If the family is going over to a church or house after the funeral I often offer to step in and handle the buffet. Whether it means getting together the catering or getting people to bring dishes and filling in the voids or whatever. This seems to take a huge load off of the families minds, it really is a lot of work but in my experience once others see what you are doing they tend to help.

There are so many different things that we have done , I can think of lots more but am not sure anyone wants to hear them. The best advice I can offer is just to do some soul searching and you'll think of something. You know the people and you have a pretty good idea of what would be helpful or appreciated - even if it does not seem like the traditional thing to do!

 

[WendyLovesPeter]

when my mom died, 2 close friends gave us a large meat and cheese tray with buns and crackers and another large dessert tray. It was very helpful at the house with people coming and going. Plus during that numb initial morning phase, sometimes you just "forget" to eat and when you are finally hungry, you are SO hungry. the tray helped us at that time.

One of our friend's sister lost a child in the summer. I sent a card at the time of the death, but at Christmas I sent her an angel ornament (little boy angel) in memory just to let her know we were still thinking of her son. She has told me so many times how kind a gesture she thought that was.

 

[DAISYDUCKRN]

my mom was sick for so long, frequently in the hospital. while her sisters, mainly one frequently visited and phoned her other three sisters and brother did not until near the end. my cousins had to know how ill my mom was but everyone denied knowing she was so ill (even after I had spoke with one of my cousins when my mom had open heart surgery). anyway, not one of my family members did anything special. they did send flowers to the funeral. was i disappointed, yes only because i have always called and sent a meaningfull card when one of their family members was ill. my mom is their first sibling to pass and i often feel as even though they say they miss her they really were not there for her. not sure how i will handle things when their moms pass considering how they responded to me in my time of grief. o well, i just wanted to vent how i felt. thanks for listening

 

[Ashlotte]

Food is always appreciated. When my dad died, a friend brought over a rose plant that had some sort of "in memory" name or something. I planted it on the day of his funeral and it was really special to have.

 

[kristinw3girls]

When my MIl passed last year, one of the nicest things sent was a gift certificate for an upscale bistro. It was nice to have something to look forward to, that wasn't sad. We enjoyed ourselves and felt normal for a little while.

 

[auralia]

depending on what they died from we usually donate money... if they died of cancer it goes to st.jude, and so on and so fourth, if there isn't a connection with a charity we just do st.jude... unless the family is in need of money to pay for the funeral then it's cash in a card

 

[jlima]

When my dad died, one of his business partners had a local grocery store deliver gumbo & potato salad and also peti-four trays to the house on the day of the funeral.

The woman who cleaned my mom's house not only watched my DS (he was 4) during the funeral but waited at the house for the food to be delivered and set everything up and kept everything organized. There had to be like 100 people at the house after the funeral and it was so nice to be able to just experience the friends and family who came.

The one gesture that really touched me was my dad's printing vendor printed a few hundred envelopes with the address for the charity my mom wanted donations to go to, and they were at the funeral home right by the guest book for people to take. Plus, someone (no idea who!) moved them to the church and then to the house.

Plus, someone (again, no idea who!) made a few phone calls and had a Marine Corps honor guard come to the funeral and perform a 21 gun saute. It was so overwhelming and very humbling that all these people were doing all these nice things for my mom and to remember my dad.

 

[gardengalB4]

I've started sending an angel or saint statue with a card attached to the funeral home.
Everyone has commented that it is a nice remembrance of their loved one.
They can either use it out in the garden or keep it in the house.
It does not need to be watered (live plant) & lasts longer than fresh flowers.
I have also seen stepping stones with various sayings that have been sent.

Another idea is to visit the local nursery & tell them you would like to send a card to the funeral home with a note attached that reads: in memory of their loved one you have arranged for xyz nursery to plant a tree in honor of their loved one. The family can then go to the nursery after the funeral when they are ready to pick out a tree for planting.

Another idea is to give to a education fund if the deceased loved one has young children-for their continued education.

We have given money to the individual's church but have decided to avoid giving money to the charitable organations because the follow-up donation requests we get from all the organizations in the mail is ridiculous!

 

[Tinkerbell58]

Sometimes we send a dish garden; it lasts longer than cut flowers.

 

[Sammybeau's Mom]

I did not know until later that a friend's mom had died. So it was the time of year to plant tulip bulbs, so I did that in a flowerbed around her mail box. When they bloomed, they were beatiful and were to remind her of her mother. That was the only time I was that creative....

 

[Deesknee]

I didn't read all the posts (began crying too hard).

My condolences to all of you who have lost a loved one.

As to the OP, I have recieved and given more than I care to recall.

What I give depends on a few factors. If I knew the deceased & family very well, I will verbally offer a "offer of sympathy" (money) that will help with funeral expenses. I have given "spiritual bouquets" which alot of churchs,or religious orders offer for a $ donation. The loved one will be remembered in prayer by a holy person for a certain # of days/yrs, etc. I have also done the more traditional flowers to the funeral home.
I always try to do some type of food. I have been known to leave it in a styrofoam cooler with a note, so as not to intrude.
I have babysat. This always seems appreciated.

I must say though, on the recieving end, the one thing that I appreciated for years to come after my brothers sudden death 13 yrs ago, was a "living bouquet", aka a dish garden. It is an arrangements of different fern type plants. It helped me to remember life continues to grow. This I do usually if I know a particular family member, but not their deceased or other family members. I will send this to their home.