what do you say?

[Kenenitz]

So, we were planning a trip in April. We were just about to make our reservations and dh started getting nervous about the economy and having second thoughts. It was almost too ironic when he got layed off right afterwards, so we decided to hold off on the vacation.

Well, since then so much has happened. First off, dh is working again. Gas prices are down. And some of our circumstances have changed. We were expecting our fifth child two weeks from now, however she got tangled in the umbilical cord and she was delivered stillborn Oct. 3rd. It was hard because the kids already knew about the baby and we'd bought everything we needed.

Then two weeks after that, we had a fire. It was really cold the one night and dh built a fire. (we have a wood burning insert in our room) Well, when I came to bed I was looking out the window and I thought, what in the world are our neighbors doing in their garage. There was this orange glow coming from inside... until i realized it was actually the reflection of our chimney on the glass. Someone was watching over us that night, because normally I have the drapes pulled shut over that window, (because the neighbors can see right in ) But I shampooed the carpet earlier in the evening and had the window open. So the drapes were wide open. So, since we noticed it right away, the damage was minimal.

Anyway, the point is, we have reconsidered the vacation. We NEED a vacation! So we are tryting to plan something while they are running the buy 4 get 3 nights free deal. So, we were at a friends house for her annual holiday party with a few other couples. Well we mentioned it and one of our friends (if you've ever seen the SNL skit, Debbie Downer.. she is her long lost sister) is trying to ruin ever second of our excitement.. what about this? what about that? We apparently had such great responses that we convinced another couple to go.

The problem??? They want to go the same week as us. Meaning....they want to go WITH us. I have two issues with this. The first.. ( god forgive me ) her kids are completely rude and unbehaved. They refuse to listen and often tell her to shut her mouth or just scream and stamp their feet till they get what they want. The second... is more for selfish reasons, I just want it to be just us.

So, I called her on the phone and I explained that while I know that they want to go along, perhaps we can plan something for later on. Especially since this is our first trip as a family. Instead of saying I understand or something similar, Instead she went off on a TWENTY MINUTE monologue about the reasons it would be wonderful. I listened and said I would think it over but I was pretty sure I was convinced that we were going alone.

She can't take a hint. She keeps calling me saying things like Are we planning our disney trip today and even told her daughter that we were all going together, who of course told my daughter at school. ( We didn't even tell the kids we were thinking of going.. and she knew that!) I have no idea what to say to her. Dh even tried to talk to her dh about it and that didn't help. I tried telling her that we would be spending time with a friend down there and she said well i love to meet new people. I explained I was going to be a guest and I felt weird inviting people to their home and she said if you're as close as you say they won't mind..

So, over the weekend, I called. I said I wanted to talk to her about the Disney trip. She says I know I am soooo excited. I can't wait to make reservations, the girls are excited. She went on for twenty minutes. Then I find out from a mutual friend (who also wouldn't want them along for the aforementioned reasons.. ) that she took out a personal loan using her additional land as collateral. ((why are there no smiles banging their heads off of the wall ))

I am on the PTA with this mom, I coach cheerleading with her, we both have our girls in the same gymnastics, ballet, and girl scout troop. I have to see her EVERY DAY practically. While I believe she is a good person and her intentions are good.. her daughter.. (again god please forgive me ) is one of the brattiest little girls ever.. and her mother is completely unaware.. if you know what i mean. And i mean that in the most literal translation. She has no idea. The whole family is like this.. they are for lack of a better word flakey. They all seem to think the way she acts is "just so comical" or "a riot"

She stole money from kids at school and was bullying kids and they laughed and said can you imagine??? She is just so strongwilled!!! When she told the teachers that her grandfather was dying in the hospital, ( and he wasn't even sick ) they thought it was just incredible how imaginative and creative she could be. ummm ok.....

The last time they were here, her daughter informed me she was hungry and that she wanted something to eat.. I suggested a ton of stuff, but she wanted a piece of birthday cake. Well, the cake was in the frig for my daughters first birthday party the next afternoon and I of course told her no.. I offered her fruit snacks, pretzels, chocolate chip cookies.. and she said no thanks and went back into the other room. I sat back down in the living room and next thing you know we hear noise and then her screaming. she says she opened the fridge for a drink and the baby's little cake (hers to play with that was on top of the larger sheet cake) just fell out. She was crying and saying she was sooo sorry and such. Her mom of course kept saying oh it's ok, aunt jenn doesn't blame you. I cleaned it up and her mom gave her a hug to console her and she looked right at me and smiled.

Yeah lets all go on vacation together. I know I need to be more direct, but how can I without offending her. We have all the same friends and I don't want to make things awkward. I have told her in soooo many differnt ways and she won't take a hint. I blamed dh, as per his suggestion, and laughed and said, like we listen to them.. Someone PLEASE give me a good excuse that will keep the peace but that she will understand in no uncertain terms that we are not going with them. I would rather not go, than to go with them..

Why is planning a trip to Disney make so much drama for us? If it's not rude spoiled sisters, it's a nasty mother or oblivious friends. I am never telling another soul that we are planning ANYTHING until we are on the plane!!!

Anyone have any sugggestions? I'm sorry to be so soap opera over here.

OMG sorry for making this soooo long!!!

 

[RMulieri]

Holy CRAP! First, I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter As for the trip...If you an afford it ...TAKE IT. Make your ressies, and tell your friend again, that it is family only this time that after all you have been thru this year you need family time together and time to heal. Reiterate that maybe at a later time you would like to go as a group.Leave it at that.Don't give her anymore info, don't discuss it.If she is trully a friend , she will get the point and understand.I would expect though, a tantrum from her.Also if she gives you any crap about 'i already promised my kids"..well that is her fault for making a promise like that..not yours.

 

[disneybound2010]

WOW! After a year like yours, you DEFINITELY need a vacation. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter and for the fire You've been through quite an ordeal

In regards to the other family, I would make it quite clear that this trip is strictly for your family and that while you would like to make plans for future trips, this one is a no go. If she says anything, I would point out that if she is as good a friend as she says she is, she will understand that this isn't just a luxury vacation for your family, it is a NEED in terms of regrouping and healing after all you have been through. If she cannot accept this, too bad for her. Make your ressies and DO NOT give this woman and inkling as to when you are going!

Best of luck to you and your family!

 

[disneybound2010]

Just wanted to add that looking at your pictures A) you have a BEAUTIFUL family and B) you could pass as the identical twin to a woman I used to work with, who also happened to be named Jenn!

 

[ScotsMinnie]

First of all sorry for your loss. You and your family have gone through so much heartbreak.

I agree with the previous poster. Tell her that you need it as a family to get yourselves together and be strong again. But tell her that going with her family sounds great and maybe you could arrange it for the next time? How does the 64th of Julember sound!!!

 

[starann]

HUGS....I would go ahead and tell her.... "With the loss of the baby, we just need some time away together as a family." Most people are uncomfotable about death, esp the death of a child (believe me, I know!) and when you use that as an excuse, they tend to back off.

If that doesn't work...then flat out tell her.... "Listen, it would be great to go on vacation with you, but NOT this time. We want to go as a family and do things as a family, and while we love you guys, we need this time alone."

Then go on and schedule YOUR vacation, telling NO ONE the details, not even the kids, and this way she can't even try to sneak down there and be like "OH NO WAY, what a kawinkiedink we are staying at the same hotel, the same days, lets go to the parks together"


HUGS...Looks like it's been a rough year for all of you. How are things with your sister now? I remember the crap she pulled earlier in the year.

 

[poohfriend77]

I'm so sorry this woman is sucking the fun out of your much-deserved vacation!

If it were me, I'd try to avoid her as much as possible (yeah, I'm a confrontation WIMP!), but it sounds like it would be pretty hard for you to get away from this woman. I think you have to be very direct one more time and say "this vacation is for my family. We need time alone to reconnect."

Then every time she asks about planning, say "My plans are almost finished. Thanks for asking!" or "I found a great travel guide with lots of planning tips. I'll lend it to you when we get home."

It sounds like you're super nice, but really... would it be terrible to lose this woman as a "friend" if she does get mad about this? Her kids are brats and bullies, and she seems like a bit of a bully herself... pretty inconsiderate about your feelings. Even if her heart is in the right place (wants to help you have a great vacation), a real friend would LISTEN to you and respect your family's wishes.

Good luck!

 

[Kenenitz]

HUGS...Looks like it's been a rough year for all of you. How are things with your sister now? I remember the crap she pulled earlier in the year.

Thank you to everyone for your hugs. While we were pretty upset about the baby, we still had a baby to spoil, since she JUST turned one two weeks ago. Had it not been for her, I think things might have been harder and ironically, with Steve out of work and the fire, I was really to busy to really dwell on it. We had too many other things going on.

As far as the sister, well she moved out and moved in with the boyfriend. She is engaged. She is in all her glory and I guess I have just given up on worrying about it. She forgot all about the WDW trip when he promised to buy her a snowmobile and take her to vermont. she got the snowmobile last weekend actually with an engagement ring tied to the handlebars. So all is perfect in her world.

I will say that when everything happened with the baby she was the one who was there. She just went into sister mode and really pulled through for me. Four kids, three different schools, a baby to take care of. I found out at 3pm that there was no heartbeat and I was in the hospital at 5 am next morning for an induction. She took off work and after she got Lex on the bus, she drove nick to pre-k and went back to the house to wait for Xander's EI preschool van to come. She brought me food and when I came home the next day she had a basket of chick flix and a bottle of wine.. She sat at the house and fielded all phone calls since I refused to talk to anyone. Did all the housework, went grocery shopping for the essentials and ordered takeout, since she doesn't cook. She even helped out at the football game with my cheerleaders, since I had only come home the day before.

I guess now that she isn't so miserable and unhappy she has come out of her selfish bitter shell. As a matter of fact, she even admitted that she thought she was being a complete ****** ! lol So, I can't say anything bad about her. My mom... well she'll always just be how she is.. so we won't go there. lol

Thank you again, I guess we'll just do things on the DL and try to avoid the conversation as much as possible.

 

[Kenenitz]

Just wanted to add that looking at your pictures A) you have a BEAUTIFUL family and B) you could pass as the identical twin to a woman I used to work with, who also happened to be named Jenn!

Aww thank you. People tell me all the time I look like someone they know. And for some reason people think all red heads must look alike. The other is Mariah Carey.. which made me think people were insane till I tried that find your celebrity look a like thing and got a 94% match

Heres is the link for that, it's kinda fun http://www.myheritage.com/celebrity-face-recognition

 

[Normangirls]

Like everyone else, first things first: I am so sorry for your loss. With all of the struggles you have had to face recently, the last thing you need is someone sprinkling troll dust (is that opposite of pixie dust?) on your plans.

It sounds like she knows when you are going. If she doesn't know where you are staying, and she cannot find out, you are in the clear. If there is any chance she could track you down and just show up, maybe you could change your dates (I'm picturing her just showing up at WDW and finding out you're not there ). Or be vague with the dates and plans, even implying that you hadn't really decided to go at all.

I understand wanting to keep the peace. I live in a very small town, and I know how hard it is to try not to step on toes, but still stand up for yourself. No matter how you handle it you may end up upsetting her, but remind yourself that you and your family come first.

For what it is worth, I will keep you and your beautiful family in my prayers. I hope you go, and have a wonderful trip!

 

[ScrapperBelle]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your year sound a lot like ours. Our oldest son was killed last December (today is one year) in a car accident. DH and I had a trip planned for February, but decided we just couldn't face going then.

We decided to go in May and we took DD and her hubby and our grandbaby as well as our other DS. There were moments on the trip that were overwhelmingly sad and others that were full of joy. I stood in front of the castle during Wishes! and bawled like a baby. I WOULD NOT have wanted another family intruding on that.

WDW has always been a special place for our family. We have taken our children many times. We actually had an entire picture board at DS's funeral of nothing but him at WDW. There is no way in you-know-where that I would have let someone else intrude on our healing time together as a family.

I think that is how you need to explain it to this pushy woman. Trust me, that trip will do your family a world of good. You don't need extra baggage...just good old one-on-one family time. We needed our trip so badly and I'm so glad we did it although it was very hard at first.

Hopefully this will all work out for you. I wouldn't worry about offending anyone. You have had a very hard year and a terrible loss for your family. Your family is most important right now, not anyone else.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope each day brings you stronger and closer.

 

[disneybridetobe]

Change your phone number and skip town

Hehe just kidding. You definitely have a good way of finding humor in life, you're really blessed to have that

I hope you get the family-only trip you want!

 

[missj1975]

I would start the converstions with "Since you are such a good friend I know you will understand that we really need family time together..." If that doesn't work, avoid her like the plague for the next two months.

I am sorry to read about your loss. I hope you have a magical vacation.

 

[Elmo888]

HUGS....I would go ahead and tell her.... "With the loss of the baby, we just need some time away together as a family." Most people are uncomfotable about death, esp the death of a child (believe me, I know!) and when you use that as an excuse, they tend to back off.

If that doesn't work...then flat out tell her.... "Listen, it would be great to go on vacation with you, but NOT this time. We want to go as a family and do things as a family, and while we love you guys, we need this time alone."

Then go on and schedule YOUR vacation, telling NO ONE the details, not even the kids, and this way she can't even try to sneak down there and be like "OH NO WAY, what a kawinkiedink we are staying at the same hotel, the same days, lets go to the parks together"


HUGS...Looks like it's been a rough year for all of you. How are things with your sister now? I remember the crap she pulled earlier in the year.

What starann said! (She said the same thing that I would have and said it better!) Great advice!

Please go to WDW and enjoy yourselves (we hesitated once when we were having hard times, and, hindsight 20/20, we wish not that we had gone)!

 

[tinkyrie]

Sounds as though you've already gotten some great advice. I always fall back on "honesty is the BEST policy". You can be honest about your desire to have a "family" vacation without having to mention the fact that you don't really want them to go at all. Don't leave the door open for them to come with you. If she doesn't get it, then you may need to put it in writing in an email so you can refer her to it later. Hope all works out well for you and yours!

 

[disneybound2010]

Aww thank you. People tell me all the time I look like someone they know. And for some reason people think all red heads must look alike. The other is Mariah Carey.. which made me think people were insane till I tried that find your celebrity look a like thing and got a 94% match

Heres is the link for that, it's kinda fun http://www.myheritage.com/celebrity-face-recognition

OK, so APPARENTLY you and I could look alike too...I got Mariah Carey as the closest to me as well(75%!!!) That is a great site. I could spend all nite on there playing around with all the photos to see who I look like depending on the angles(I'm such a goober ) Hmm, I know a lot of redheads, tho I don't think they all look alike, BUT I did date two different redheads that had the same name...LOL I dated one right after the other so it did help with the name transition

 

[Kenenitz]

OK, so APPARENTLY you and I could look alike too...I got Mariah Carey as the closest to me as well(75%!!!) That is a great site. I could spend all nite on there playing around with all the photos to see who I look like depending on the angles(I'm such a goober ) Hmm, I know a lot of redheads, tho I don't think they all look alike, BUT I did date two different redheads that had the same name...LOL I dated one right after the other so it did help with the name transition

Yeah I don't see myself dating a red head.. well I shouldn't I guess since I'm married. But you all know what I mean. lol It would be like dating a brother.

 

[tlh0726]

Easier said than done but you need to be firm with this woman. Reversing the facts from her joining you to you not being able to join her, may help it sink in, plus it makes it look like she comes out on top.

Call her and tell her that you are sorry to have to tell her this but your family will not be able to join them for the disneyworld trip. That you and your husband have discussed it and with everything that your family has gone through these past few months, both emotionally and financially, that you really need to plan a small family only vacation. (she will most likely conclude that it is due to money reasons) That you have not decided exactly when or what you will be doing. (do not share any information). Tell her, that you were so looking forward to planning a Disney trip and that if she needs help planning her trip you would be more than willing to help her (insider tips on how to avoid them).
If she starts going on and on, interrupt her and say I am sorry but we just cannot go along with you this time. If she continues, repeat I am sorry, but we just cannot do it this time.

In the meantime, go ahead and plan your trip (hopefully different dates than yours) Keep the details to yourself.

 

[MickeyNicki]

OMIGOD I dont know where to begin! First I am sorry for all the troubles and your loss I hope 2009 is a much better year for you!

Secondly just tell her you are not interested in sharing a vacation with her, your family needs time together and you hope that she can understand that and if she cannot, well that is her problem.

After all your family has been through the last thing you need is this woman and her kids ruining a vacation that this family really really needs!

 

[HGD24]

First of all, I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. I know how difficult it is to lose a baby mid-pregnancy. I'm also sorry about the other issues going on in your life.

I would just tell your friend the truth - you've had a very rough year and you want to go away as a family and not have anyone else around. You need time to bond and heal as a family. You may have to be downright mean about it in order for the message to get across, but you need to get your message across. I can't imagine having someone that insensitive in my life. You've just gone through some terrible experiences and she's not understanding of your needs at all. I say ditch her altogether - no one needs that kind of stress in their life.