What do you do when you are invited to a gay wedding and you oppose gay marriage?

[Cool-Beans]

Well you see I keep hearing about how there are so many people out there who just love gay people--they have SO many gay friends. (You know--even Palin had to throw in the line about how she has such a close friend who is a lesbian at the VP debate.**) And they have no ill will toward gay people at all. They just think gay people are entitled to the same rights as straight people when it comes to marriage.

So I would think with all that love of the gays going on, people wouldn't be refusing to go to the weddings of their friends and family members.

I guess this whole "love" and "friendship" thing is a little different for some than it is for me.

** I find it interesting that there seem to be lots of straight people who oppose gay marriage and say they have very close gay friends who they just love to death (despite thinking their relationship is inferior). Being pretty immersed in a gay community, though, I've never known anyone who takes him/herself to be a close friend to a straight person who thinks they should be legally discriminated against. Sure I've heard talk of "that homophobic woman at work who I try to remain civil with" or "my mom who prays daily that I'll suddenly turn straight". Can't say, though, that I ever hear anything like "This is my BFF Suzy. I just love her to death. I've never had a better friend. She won't be attending one of the most important events of my life though and she doesn't recognize my wife as my wife because we're gay." It's kind of odd. Maybe it's generational though? Maybe older gay people had less options in terms of having friends who actually fully accept them. I don't know.

Kind of like the folks who say they don't hate "the rich", but they don't think that the rich should have the same low tax rate that other people have. "No offense or anything. It isn't personal. We just think that you aren't entitled to what we're entitled to, that's all."

You either believe in equality or you don't. If you don't, pick some other reason to support gay marriage.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

I guess you are a gay person who remains close to family members who think that your relationship is worth less respect and that your family should have less rights than they do?

Funny, I always thought you were a woman and your signature says you are married to man. But clearly you must personally have had the experience we are talking about here--of having your relationship, your children been seen as less worthy of respect and dignity. Otherwise I wouldn't think you'd be in a place where you could comment on how people who do have that experience ought to be more open-minded about the people who are supposed to love them treating them like as inferior.

Obviously, you do not know my mother in law.

Isn't it amusing that those who claim to despise closed-mindedness are always so unaware of their own closed-mindedness? It's either agree with me, or hit the road.

You can love and support (and even respect) someone you do not agree with. Really, you can.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Sure you can. However, if someone disagrees with something that is of such fundamental importance to another as marriage should be, then I can't imagine how the respect can be valid.

If someone said they "liked and respected me" but didn't agree with my marrying my wife, then that would send me a very clear message that they didn't like or respect the critical factors of my life. Disagreeing about hair style, clothing choices, political venues are all fine. But when you disagree about something so important as marriage, then that cannot bode well for the strength of our relationship, nor our closeness. It's not one of those "we'll choose to disagree" topics for me, and I'll guess many others.

If someone disliked your children, didn't think you should have had them, didn't think you had the right to have them, would you really want them at your child's birthday party?

 

[Tink888]

But people aren't donating $1000s of dollars and voting to enact laws that prevent straight people from making mistakes in marrying each other. I would think it would be very odd if on Friday one donated money to a cause with no purpose other than to prevent gay people from marrying and then on Saturday they attended a gay wedding and said "Congrats on your marriage. Wish you the best." My brain, at least, couldn't handle that kind of contradiction.

Yeah, and I would imagine that those people wouldn't attend the wedding. I'm not one of those people though and for me the friend or family member would trump any political or social views that I might or might not have.

Every wedding, civil-union or commitment ceremony that I've been to was more about two people celebrating of their commitment to eachother and their building a future together. I'd want to celebrate that with them. It wouldn't be an issue for me.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

Sure you can. However, if someone disagrees with something that is of such fundamental importance to another as marriage should be, then I can't imagine how the respect can be valid.

If someone said they "liked and respected me" but didn't agree with my marrying my wife, then that would send me a very clear message that they didn't like or respect the critical factors of my life. Disagreeing about hair style, clothing choices, political venues are all fine. But when you disagree about something so important as marriage, then that cannot bode well for the strength of our relationship, nor our closeness. It's not one of those "we'll choose to disagree" topics for me, and I'll guess many others.

If someone disliked your children, didn't think you should have had them, didn't think you had the right to have them, would you really want them at your child's birthday party?

I see it differently (big surprise ).

If I were marrying someone that my Grandma didn't approve of but she still came to the wedding to support me and wish me well, I would be touched. I would not wag my finger in her face and say "accept this fully, Grandma, or you're out!" I'd see that her love for me was stronger than her dislike of my choice of mate. It would show me that she cares and that she is trying. That is very hard for some people to do, especially for older people, and especially for something that is as controversial as homosexuality. I'd give credit where credit is due. It takes a lot to go against your core beliefs, most people can't do it.

I wouldn't love someone any less for believing in something I don't and I would really hope that they wouldn't love me less for believing in something they do not.

I respect your beliefs. You seem like an intelligent, thoughtful, and really cool person (as does smartestnumber5). Do you think that respect is insincere simply because I disagree with you?

 

[TLSnell1981]

I would use the same criteria for accepting/declining the invitation....that I would for any other wedding. If one of my gay friends has a wedding....and I'm invited...I will go if I'm able. Period. End of discussion.

 

[maelstrom]

I don't believe in God, and I still attend weddings held at churches. My best friend is getting married next year in a Catholic ceremony and I am a bridesmaid. As an aside, I'm not particularly fond of the man she's marrying. However, this is her day, and I'll be there to support her, despite my dislike of her religion and choice of husband. She's my best friend and I'm going to be there, end of story.

 

[denisem]

It would all depend on if they're having an open bar.

Seriously: if I were opposed to gay marriage, I would hope that my regard for the couple would outweigh MY personal preferences and I'd joyfully attend. If not, I'd skip the wedding but would be prepared to live with the decision that I'd offended a loved one.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have gone to Mennonite weddings. Now that is different. You feel like you are in an episode of "Little House on the Prairie".

If a friend invited me to share in their day, it wouldn't matter to me what the religion is or whether they were gay.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

I would go. I don't have a problem with different lifestyles.

 

[Laura]

If I were gay and about to marry and knew folks who were vehemently and publicly opposed to gay marriage, I couldn't imagine that I would invite them to my wedding. I just can't see inviting such people to share in my happy day. But if I they'd never mentioned it or if I knew they'd just prefer that there be civil unions, I would invite them. If the wedding is something they can't support and wouldn't attend because it's not between a man and a woman, I wouldn't want them there.

 

[Notatourist]

I read the OP then took a short while to answer this. I have been to tons of weddings in my time and all I can say is this....Go. Open your eyes while you're there and look at all the different couples that you see. You'll see same sex couples (as an aside, I have heard the proper intro is partner, then wife or husband depend on the person's sex afterward) you'll see hetero couples and you'll see the most important thing at the wedding....LOVE.

If you can't see yourself seeing that...don't go.

 

[smartestnumber5]

Obviously, you do not know my mother in law.

Isn't it amusing that those who claim to despise closed-mindedness are always so unaware of their own closed-mindedness? It's either agree with me, or hit the road.

You can love and support (and even respect) someone you do not agree with. Really, you can.

Where did this claim about open-mindedness come from. I've never claimed to be open-minded. I am NOT open-minded about people being treated as *legally* inferior to others simply because they are a disliked minority. (Are you open minded about that? Do you have family members who donate $ to bring back racial segregation and you just shrug it off and say "Oh well, Grandma thinks differently than I do." What if your children were mixed-race--how could you possibly explain to them that Grandma thinks they should have fewer rights than everyone else simply because they are not white? Well how could I explain to my kids why grandma thinks their family should have fewer rights because their parents are gay?)

If I were marrying a black man/Jew/Catholic and my family made clear that they felt this was an abomination and that my relationship was inferior to theirs and that said marriage should be illegal, I don't think anybody on the DIS would be indicating that I was closed minded if I did not want to be around the family member who thought that about me. Why is it that people only expect gay people to be open minded about homophobia, but no one asks Jews to be open minded about anti-Semitism or blacks to open minded about racism?

I do think in some situations that one can support a person whom one *morally* disagrees with. The older members of my family don't think sex before marriage is a great choice. They still love their grandkids who shack up before marriage all the same. But I'm not talking about *moral* disagreement--I'm talking about wanting the law to make something *illegal*. (I've never met a person who thought that sex before marriage should be illegal.) How can a person who is out marching against gay marriage and donating to the cause one day come to a gay wedding the next day? How could they truly be happy for the coupler when part of their political agenda involves preventing couples like that from doing what they are doing? What would they write on the card "I'm so happy that you are happy on your special day. Of course, I've worked long and hard to make sure your happy day would never come because I think your having this happy day ought to be illegal because it's going to destroy society. But forget that--I'll donate to a cause working on getting your marriage rights rescinded tomorrow. For today I support you 100%! Don't be surprised, though, if your marriage doesn't last very long, because I'm going to do my best to have it declared invalid by a court. Congratulations!"

*That* is what I don't get. I'm not talking about a situation in which a family member dislikes the person that their gay relative is marrying. That is not what opposition to gay marriage is about. It's not about the marriage partner being a bad person and it's not about the marriage being a bad choice. It's about thinking that the couple does not deserve the same rights and relationship recognition that others do.

I actually work in moral philosophy on the concept of moral respect. And yes I think you can respect someone even when you disagree with them. But no, you cannot respect a person when you advocate denying them basic human rights.

 

[smartestnumber5]

Kind of like the folks who say they don't hate "the rich", but they don't think that the rich should have the same low tax rate that other people have. "No offense or anything. It isn't personal. We just think that you aren't entitled to what we're entitled to, that's all."

You either believe in equality or you don't. If you don't, pick some other reason to support gay marriage.

Huh?

I'm arguing on the basis of a long case history involving the equal protection clause and oppressed minority groups ("suspect classes"). The rich can't be a suspect class. And the equal protection clause has never been interpreted to apply to tax rates.

(I don't understand the idea of a flat tax being equal. Are we going to tax people who are homeless and made $20 at the same rate as someone who made $1,000,000? And if we do--how do we make sure that the homeless person doesn't starve to death? We can't give them any state benefits that the millionaire isn't entitled to as well, because that would be unequal right? So we either have to let the homeless person starve to death or we have to make food stamps available for the millionaire as well. But wait--how did that person get to be homeless and how did that millionaire get to be a millionaire. As you say, if you really believe in equality, then shouldn't these people be getting the same amount of income in the first place. I would think that your argument would lead directly to a strict egalitarian position--no one can have more than anyone else. I think that's a ridiculous position, so I guess I don't *truly* believe in equality. But then, neither do you so it looks like we're both hypocrites.

Now what in the world did this have to do with gay marriage?)

 

[monkey68]

I can't imagine someone who is opposed to gay marrriage actually being close enough to a gay couple to get invited to their wedding. Now family is a different story, since you can't choose your family. Personally, it's hard for me to imagine what I would do in that situation, since I am all for gay marriage, and have many gay and lesbian friends. But I imagine I would still go because they're family. I don't know, I'm still having a hard time pretending to be opposed to gay marriage to answer the question.

As for as how to introduce them, I would introduce them the same way they refer to each other. If they refer to each other as husband or wife, then I would do the same. If they referred to each other as partner, then that's what I would do.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

It's impossible for me to answer accurately because I do not oppose gay marriage. However, I will say that I'd rather go to a gay wedding for two intelligent, thoughtful, loving people than a straight wedding for a couple of idiots who have NO business getting married because they are immature, selfish, and ridiculously unprepared for responsibility. Been to a few of the latter (they were family/close friends of the family so I didn't rock the boat)and I just KNEW they were going to be divorced within 5 years. And guess what? They were.

 

[rie'smom]

We'd go. Of course, we don't have a problem with gay marriage. If we did though, we'd look at it as we would if one of the people was marrying someone we didn't like. Go and show your support for the person that you love.

 

[Pigeon]

That's so open-minded.

Why on earth should anyone have to be "open minded" about people who who don't think everyone should be entitled to the same basic civil rights?

Life is too short to surround yourself with this kind of stuff.

Frankly, I find the idea that you can love somebody and think they are making "a lifestyle choice" by being who they are to be a complete non-starter. That kind of "love" I can do without.

 

[disneybound2010]

I'm trying really really hard to decide what I would do IF I didn't believe in gay marriage and got invited to a gay wedding or civil union, but the truth is I just can't think that way. I grew up around a very diverse group of people all with very different backgrounds and to me, people are just people regardless of their orientation, color, political views, etc etc. To me, NO ONE is better than anyone else and NO ONE has the right to judge anyone. I have gone to many functions where it may not be somethign that interests me or isn't exactly my cup of tea, but it doesn't mean I oppose whatever it is, just means it isn't my thing. I go and have a good time and support the people throwing the event because it is THEIR thing and if I am truly their friend, then I ACCEPT them for who they are and I SUPPORT them fully in whatever it is they are doing.

As for what to call a couple, I tend to take their lead. I have a couple of friends that refer to their partner as their spouse(male or female couples) I have friends that refer to themselves as SO or partners. I go with whatever they feel is comfortable for them.

 

[Tuffcookie]

CindyluWho wrote: A small gift celebrating the fact that two people love each other enought to commit. Can that really be so wrong no matter what you believe? 'Cause if you believe you're going to hell for supporting someone you care about, then I'm not sure you understand the Christ part of Christian...
And by "you" I don't mean the OP or any other poster, I just mean folks in general.
Good answer!

Tuffcookie