What Can I Do to Help My Mother?

[MIGrandma]

My Mom is 79 and had a mild stroke last October, went to a nursing home for rehab and they/we decided she should stay there (mild dementia and not taking her medications properly were the main reasons). She had issues before the stroke including losing quite a bit of weight (from 102 down to 68 in a year) and depression even though she said she wasn't depressed.

She has done well in the nursing facility, gained back 5 pounds (wish she could gain another 10) and with the changes in her medication she is happy and smiling again.

She is sad though because so many of her former friends have pretty much abandoned her. One of her best friends has only come to see her once in the nursing home (shortly after she was admitted) and didn't even send her a birthday card this year.

Other friends occasionally send her a card, but most don't come and see her anymore.

I don't know if I should make it my business to find out why they've abandoned her, or if I should just leave it alone.

Mom enjoys a lot of the activities the nursing home has during the day (several varieties of bingo, cocktail hour, picnics, dessert on the patio, kickball sessions, etc. etc.) and plays cards with 3 other ladies almost every evening. She gets on well with her roommate too, so it's not like she doesn't have any friends anymore but it's sad, to me and her both as she's mentioned it several times, that her old friends have pretty much dropped her.

I'd like to know how her old friends would feel if the tables were turned and THEY were in the nursing home and Mom dropped THEM. Mom has even mentioned how she'd rather they not come to her funeral, since they don't come to see her when she's alive. I know it hurts her that they don't come to see her. And I just really don't know how to help her, other than being a listening and sympathetic ear for her.

Any suggestions?

 

[Lynne M]

Do you know what's going on in the old friends' lives? Just a guess, but in my mother's friend group, at any given time, several of them are either battling health problems of their own, or taking care of a sick or injured spouse.

Are you sure that they have her new phone number and address? Has she tried inviting them over for lunch, or just a visit? Is the nursing home farther from their homes, maybe they'd love to come but aren't comfortable driving there?

What we consider to be little things are sometimes challenging for seniors. Sometimes you have to remove an obstacle or two.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't think it would be a bad idea to "update" people - perhaps on social media, so you can update everyone at once? And, depending on how close you are to her old friends, you could have a one-on-one conversation with them to let them know that she's lucid and would really enjoy some visits. But just know that not everyone is comfortable in a nursing home. The sights, sounds, smells, etc, can be disturbing, and remind people of their own mortality, etc. (I worked in them all through high school and was on the other side when I helped with the care of my favorite aunt when she was in one several years back.) I know, from your end, it can be frustrating when nobody goes. Heck, no birthday card seems awful, but then again, people may not be sure whether she could enjoy them or not. My cousin used to point out all the cards my aunt had from my mother, but hers were primarily the most - then again, she likes to send cards. When you get mad, ask yourself how many times you yourself visited someone in a nursing home. For most people, it's not often. I think, today, there is an opportunity through social media to reach out to people and let them know she's ok and would enjoy visitors, that we didn't have years ago. I would give that a try. Good luck.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I would imagine that nursing homes are scary places for older people! If your mom can leave the home, perhaps help remove that barrier for her and invite her and her lady friends to your home for lunch/tea/whatever. Or invite them to meet her at a restaurant. You can drop her off and pick her up. Maybe call them and ASK, tell them she's missing them, and ask if you can help make more visits happen? (Not in a mean or judgmental way, just as a daughter wanting to help mom.)

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Maybe the old friends have difficulty traveling to the facility where your mother is now living? Not sure if that is the case, but it could be an issue.

Either way, I'd help her continue to grow and nurture the new relationships she's developing there where she lives now. If her energy is used to do that, hopefully there won't be energy, or even a need, to lament over the old ones.

 

[cedricandsophie]

One issue could be that seeing your mom in a facility like this brings too close to home that they could be in one soon. So it is uncomfortable and stressful to visit your mom. So it needs to be a joyful and fun experience. I'd suggest you organize a party for your mom, assuming the facility will allow it. Make invitations,bring in food, decorate, arrange rides if needed. Arrange pictures around that show your mom and her friends together so they can tell stories and remind each other of fond memories. You could ask each friend to write down a story of a shared experience and bring it. There doesn't have to be a reason for a party, just do it. And if the facility makes it difficult, then arrange a party at a restaurant or your home. Take her out for a day and make it very special. But don't just blame the other friends or let your mom wallow in her sorrow.

 

[leebee]

Is the nursing home setting really conducive to having friends over to visit? You mentioned your mom has a roommate, so I'm guessing she doesn't have any type of private living area. Is there a comfortable place where they can get together, sit around, hang out, talk, etc.? Does your mom have access to things like a fridge for snacks and drinks, a hot pot to make coffee, tea, etc.? I'm not trying to be mean... I actually don't know, and maybe her friends don't know, either. I remember visiting my nana in a nursing home. Everyone stayed in there rooms, in their jammies, in their beds. There was a community room where residents and families could visit, but it was just a bunch of chairs and couches. No privacy, little comfort. I am pretty sure that nursing homes aren't like that anymore, but I don't know. Maybe your mom's friends don't know, either. Hearing the term "nursing home" is very different from someone saying "assisted living center."

If your mom is able, I like the idea of having a get-together at your home. It might show her friends that your mom is still able to be up and around, go out for lunch, etc. Good luck with whatever you do; I hope your mom is able to reconnect with her friends.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Please, please, just leave it alone.

These are grown ups, that can make their own decisions.

Yes, make sure they have the address. And even the phone number. But other than that? Leave it alone.

 

[LisaR]

So sorry that she is going through this. Every one of my mom's friends have died now which is so sad, but when many of them were in nursing homes, it was impossible for my mom to get out and see them because of her own immobility.

I do like the idea of posting an update on social media. Something like: As some of you know, my mom has been in a nursing home since October. She is doing really well. Her health is improving and she is enjoying her new home. She does miss her friends, though. If any of you have a chance to send her a card, I know she'd love hearing from you. If you are ever in the area of XYX home, please feel free to swing in and say hi. You'd make her day!

 

[Nettester]

I would be a sympathetic listening ear, but no, I would not contact her friends.

Make sure your mom has a phone, and her friends' phone numbers handy, access to sending/receiving email, cards, addresses, envelopes, stamps, etc. Give her all the tools to reach out and stay in touch, but don't do it for her.

Honestly, if mom complains about her old friends and wants to see them, and/or if she is hurt they haven't been around, I would encourage her to TELL them that. And also, please keep in mind that she doesn't know what all is going on in their lives that make reaching out difficult.

Friendship and communication is still a 2 way street.

 

[MIGrandma]

Do you know what's going on in the old friends' lives? Just a guess, but in my mother's friend group, at any given time, several of them are either battling health problems of their own, or taking care of a sick or injured spouse.

Are you sure that they have her new phone number and address? Has she tried inviting them over for lunch, or just a visit? Is the nursing home farther from their homes, maybe they'd love to come but aren't comfortable driving there?

What we consider to be little things are sometimes challenging for seniors. Sometimes you have to remove an obstacle or two.

With the friend Mom speaks of the most, no I don't know for sure what's going on in their own lives so you could be right and that they have their own things to deal with too. She came to see Mom once when she first went to live there but hasn't been back. It's about a 5-minute drive to go and see her, so pretty close. And the friend could call Mom but hasn't done that either. It's just sad, as they were close for so many years.

I don't think it would be a bad idea to "update" people - perhaps on social media, so you can update everyone at once? And, depending on how close you are to her old friends, you could have a one-on-one conversation with them to let them know that she's lucid and would really enjoy some visits. But just know that not everyone is comfortable in a nursing home. The sights, sounds, smells, etc, can be disturbing, and remind people of their own mortality, etc. (I worked in them all through high school and was on the other side when I helped with the care of my favorite aunt when she was in one several years back.) I know, from your end, it can be frustrating when nobody goes. Heck, no birthday card seems awful, but then again, people may not be sure whether she could enjoy them or not. My cousin used to point out all the cards my aunt had from my mother, but hers were primarily the most - then again, she likes to send cards. When you get mad, ask yourself how many times you yourself visited someone in a nursing home. For most people, it's not often. I think, today, there is an opportunity through social media to reach out to people and let them know she's ok and would enjoy visitors, that we didn't have years ago. I would give that a try. Good luck.

Updating on Facebook would be a good idea, thanks. Mom is doing so much better than when she first went to live there, and maybe some don't know that.

I would imagine that nursing homes are scary places for older people! If your mom can leave the home, perhaps help remove that barrier for her and invite her and her lady friends to your home for lunch/tea/whatever. Or invite them to meet her at a restaurant. You can drop her off and pick her up. Maybe call them and ASK, tell them she's missing them, and ask if you can help make more visits happen? (Not in a mean or judgmental way, just as a daughter wanting to help mom.)

A lunch date is a good idea, thanks. I've thought about calling the one friend that Mom misses most, but hate to put her on the spot and/or make her feel guilty, etc. Maybe I could write a note and mail it, that way I could update her and not have to do it on the phone to possibly make her feel uncomfortable.

 

[TavieP]

My dad will be 79 in September, and I know that one thing that has really opened up his social world since my mom died is e-mail. He keeps in touch with his friends, a couple of whom e-mail him every day. He said e-mail has really "opened up his world".

He's very un-computer-savvy (barely knows how to use the mouse) but was able to learn just enough to correspond with his friends. It really helps him stay connected now that he lives alone. (I visit him weekly but he's still isolated and doesn't leave his apartment much.)

I'm not sure what the internet situation is in the nursing home - probably limited if available at all - but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

I'm happy your mom is finding comfort and new friends in her environment - she's really making the best of what for many people is a really hard situation. Good for her. She's resilient. And she has a caring daughter. These are wonderful things.

 

[MIGrandma]

Is the nursing home setting really conducive to having friends over to visit? You mentioned your mom has a roommate, so I'm guessing she doesn't have any type of private living area. Is there a comfortable place where they can get together, sit around, hang out, talk, etc.? Does your mom have access to things like a fridge for snacks and drinks, a hot pot to make coffee, tea, etc.? I'm not trying to be mean... I actually don't know, and maybe her friends don't know, either. I remember visiting my nana in a nursing home. Everyone stayed in there rooms, in their jammies, in their beds. There was a community room where residents and families could visit, but it was just a bunch of chairs and couches. No privacy, little comfort. I am pretty sure that nursing homes aren't like that anymore, but I don't know. Maybe your mom's friends don't know, either. Hearing the term "nursing home" is very different from someone saying "assisted living center."

If your mom is able, I like the idea of having a get-together at your home. It might show her friends that your mom is still able to be up and around, go out for lunch, etc. Good luck with whatever you do; I hope your mom is able to reconnect with her friends.

The nursing facility where Mom is has several public gathering areas (the dining room is always open, as is the activity room, plus there are a couple other small rooms with couches/chairs, also a TV room, the lobby has couches/chairs and I see people sitting there visiting quite often, and there is an outdoor patio as well that is very nice. So there are plenty of places to sit and visit. I think it's a very nice nursing facility, and does have a 5 star rating in our state so is probably one of the nicest in the area.

 

[MIGrandma]

I would be a sympathetic listening ear, but no, I would not contact her friends.

Make sure your mom has a phone, and her friends' phone numbers handy, access to sending/receiving email, cards, addresses, envelopes, stamps, etc. Give her all the tools to reach out and stay in touch, but don't do it for her.

Honestly, if mom complains about her old friends and wants to see them, and/or if she is hurt they haven't been around, I would encourage her to TELL them that. And also, please keep in mind that she doesn't know what all is going on in their lives that make reaching out difficult.

Friendship and communication is still a 2 way street.

Mom is no longer able to send cards/letters herself, as she has essential tremors in her hands so can no longer write.

I agree, she could tell her friends on her own that she misses them and encouraging HER to tell them is a good idea, thanks. She does have a phone so there really is no reason that SHE can't call THEM. But so much time has gone by since she first went to live there, she may be hesitant to do that, but I will mention it to her next time I visit.

 

[wilkeliza]

Does your mom have an ipad or tablet device? If not perhaps invest in one of those and get her set up with email and a facebook etc. My grandma is in her 80s and after never wanting anything to do with technology (they had an old floppy disc computer for years past them being obsolete) she blossomed on the ipad. My cousins and I make sure it is up to date and if there are any issues we trouble shoot it for them. Thankfully my cousins go by about once a week since they live the closest. My grandmother now has a facebook and loves posting photos of her flowers and chats with people on it. My grandpa had bypass surgery this week and she has even been using the ipad to keep us all up to date with out having to make 50 calls (big family haha). Maybe your mom would be able to learn the basics and be able to use something like that to keep up with her friends?

 

[MIGrandma]

My dad will be 79 in September, and I know that one thing that has really opened up his social world since my mom died is e-mail. He keeps in touch with his friends, a couple of whom e-mail him every day. He said e-mail has really "opened up his world".

He's very un-computer-savvy (barely knows how to use the mouse) but was able to learn just enough to correspond with his friends. It really helps him stay connected now that he lives alone. (I visit him weekly but he's still isolated and doesn't leave his apartment much.)

I'm not sure what the internet situation is in the nursing home - probably limited if available at all - but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

I'm happy your mom is finding comfort and new friends in her environment - she's really making the best of what for many people is a really hard situation. Good for her. She's resilient. And she has a caring daughter. These are wonderful things.

I can understand how your Dad enjoys his e-mail, it sure is a great way to keep in touch. They do have internet where my Mom is living, and we bought an iPad for her that she does enjoy somewhat. But with the essential tremors in her hands it's difficult for her to write e-mails so she doesn't do that anymore, even though she did e-mail a lot on her desktop computer when she had her apartment.

Yes, it's a good thing my Mom has made friends in her new environment and I'm so glad to see her getting involved in so many of the activities they have. They put out a monthly calendar with all of the activities/times listed and she keeps that right by her chair and highlights everything for each day that she wants to do. Usually there is at least 1, sometimes 2-3 things she wants to do daily so I'm really thankful they do so many different things there for the residents.

I just want what's best for her, and to help her any way I can.

 

[Sadie22]

Shame on the people who do not support contacting friends. This does not harm anyone. If they cannot or do not want to respond, that's their choice. If you never contact them, they don't have the choice to do so, as they may very well not have the information to do so.

Contacting the friends and family can be good for you, also, MIGrandma, and help maintain ties now and in the future.

When my mom had a stroke, I started sending large-print letters out to the friends still living as well as all the nieces and nephews and their children. It was one newsletter to everyone as that was all I could manage. I explained that she could not write letters at all even though she had formerly written lots of them, and I asked people to write to her and send her cards. I kept everyone updated on the rehab address and the long-term care facility address, as well as my contact information and that of my family members. I explained that she could not talk and what they could expect if they visited. Many responded, and some visited. Many were a long distance away and in ill health. I learned then just how many were in poor health also, but no one had bothered to let us know. I learned that some people just assume all their friends and neighbors know the situation and are just too busy to visit, when often it's just a lack of information. I kept sending the letters for the rest of Mom's life. Many, many people thanked me for sending them and letting them know so they could do something, however big or small. Many sent copies of old photographs to Mom and to me.

After I moved Mom from the rehab in her community to a facility near me, I spoke with the activities director, who made an effort to send someone to find Mom if she did not show up for bingo or other activities. I was in and out of the facility at all different times, there for all the therapy sessions, and went to bingo and some of the other events. I would talk to the appropriate people if I noticed anything that would make Mom's time better. It helped that the people seated with her at meals looked out for her as well as all the wonderful staff members. She outlived several of these new friends, and that was sad. Someone would go to the hospital or be moved to another facility or would pass away, and someone else would join the group, so a potential new friend.

Your mom has a new life, MIGrandma, and it sounds like she's adjusting well. It's an adjustment for you as well, but it sounds like you're doing everything you can.

 

[Poohforyou]

I think it's hard when a person isn't able to do the things her friends are doing. 79 is young IMO to not be able to live independently so that makes thing extra difficult for your mom.

Could you arrange a tea or luncheon for her and invite her friends? Not to make excuses, but they may be feeling very awkward about being active, traveling etc and not knowing what of their lives to share with your mom.

It probably isn't a lack of not caring but of how to handle the situation. Imagine 2 friends being pregnant at the same time and one miscarries. The one still pregnant has just as difficult a time with how to move forward as the one who miscarried.

 

[PollyannaMom]

My first thought is if they're as old as she is, maybe they can't get there on their own.

I would contact her best friend and offer to pick her up on your way to visit. (I hate using the phone, so I'd probably write a note in advance, but you could just call if you're comfortable.) If that works out really well, maybe you could pick up a different friend next time - not every time you visit, but maybe every few times.

I also love the idea above of arranging a lunch date for a few of them. Again, offering to pick them up, or choosing a place you know they can get to and bringing your mom.

I also think it's great that she's getting involved in the activities and meeting people there! When I was young, I used to write back and forth with an older relative. She entered an assisted living facility about the same time I went away to college, and I used to joke about how similar our letters were! She got very involved and loved it there.

 

[firecracker725]

My Mom is 79 and had a mild stroke last October, went to a nursing home for rehab and they/we decided she should stay there (mild dementia and not taking her medications properly were the main reasons). She had issues before the stroke including losing quite a bit of weight (from 102 down to 68 in a year) and depression even though she said she wasn't depressed.

She has done well in the nursing facility, gained back 5 pounds (wish she could gain another 10) and with the changes in her medication she is happy and smiling again.

She is sad though because so many of her former friends have pretty much abandoned her. One of her best friends has only come to see her once in the nursing home (shortly after she was admitted) and didn't even send her a birthday card this year.

Other friends occasionally send her a card, but most don't come and see her anymore.

I don't know if I should make it my business to find out why they've abandoned her, or if I should just leave it alone.

Mom enjoys a lot of the activities the nursing home has during the day (several varieties of bingo, cocktail hour, picnics, dessert on the patio, kickball sessions, etc. etc.) and plays cards with 3 other ladies almost every evening. She gets on well with her roommate too, so it's not like she doesn't have any friends anymore but it's sad, to me and her both as she's mentioned it several times, that her old friends have pretty much dropped her.

I'd like to know how her old friends would feel if the tables were turned and THEY were in the nursing home and Mom dropped THEM. Mom has even mentioned how she'd rather they not come to her funeral, since they don't come to see her when she's alive. I know it hurts her that they don't come to see her. And I just really don't know how to help her, other than being a listening and sympathetic ear for her.

Any suggestions?

The short answer is you can't control others, only yourself. Be there for your mom as much as you can, but try not to judge others for their seeming non-support of your mother. There are many factors that go into a decision not to visit people in the nursing home, not the least of which is that older people are often putting their health at risk by entering those types of facilities. They can be germ factories, no matter how clean they appear.