What are your expectations of your Child's aunts and uncles?

[Merandab4]

Okay, I know this is probably not the place to post this, but I know a lot of parents read these boards and thought I would get lots of responses.

So, what are your expectations of your child's Aunts and Uncles?

 

[imsayin]

My kids have somewhere around 25 aunts & uncles. I don't have any expectations of any of them. In terms of gifts, less than half of them give my kids Christmas presents, and only a few give them birthday gifts. The gifts are never extravagent. My kids & I are fine with this.

In terms of involvement in their lives, most are uninvolved. They see the kids a few times a year at family gatherings. A few of them may come to a sporting event on occassion. One is a bit more involved, and that is what is appreciated the most.

My "ideal" aunt or uncle would come take my kids out bowling or to the zoo, etc., without me. I'm not about the material things. In the long run, the memories of doing something fun with Uncle Joe and building a relationship with him are going to be what matter.

 

[Tjaleks]

Well, being the second youngest of eight and having 20 (at last count ) neices and nephews we only buy presents for the youngest of them. Over all though we are just one big blended family with lots of love to give. I am actually closer to two of my neices that live 2+ hours away than I am to one that lives 1.5miles away. It is just how it works out. We do sleep overs and family gatherings, (where all of the adults are in charge, not just the parents of that child), and for the most part it works out just fine.

 

[d4est]

Well, my DS has PLENTY of aunts & uncles, the majority living pretty close...some right next door. We are very close...on my side and DH's.

I don't have ANY expectations. They all do what they can. I can say that DS does have a favorite aunt. She lives across the street and spends A LOT of time with him. She has since day one & that's why she is so special to him.

To make things economical, both sides of the family "draw names" for the kids. That way they each get something & no one has to go broke over it.

As far as birthdays, we have a big b-b-que & everyone's invited. DS gets gifts, but it's not expected.

From the amount of love he has for my sister, it is obvious that involvement means the most to DS. He is 8, BTW.

 

[LisaNJ25]

The only thing I expect of them is to know their names.... grrrrr dont get me started on hubbys 1 brother who can never remember my younger kids names... and he lives right in the area.

 

[dizagain]

Hi! I don't "expect" anything from my DD's aunts and uncles other than a little interest in the girls' lives...We're a little different - my 2 girls are the only kids on either side so they tend to get a little spoiled gift-wise. They enjoy this, but they REALLY enjoy the time some of their aunts/uncles give them. We are totally excited because my sis-in-law is expecting a baby in May...a girl! My DD's and I are already planning how to spoil her rotten and they live 14 hours away and we'll only see her a couple of times a year. E-mail will be flying as we keep up with her every move. My DD's love to email their aunts (uncles usually get left out) and it helps keep relationships strong. If you want to get to know them , show interest in what they are doing and try email if they're old enough and the occasional card "just because" will make any kid smile....especially if there's $1 in it!

 

[jonestavern]

Your heart is on the right track
Time, if you have it, phone calls just to chat--even if it's only a good nite to a wee one or story read over the phone, cards for no reason at all.
Special overnites can be fun, a shoulder to cry on
I have one sibling, DH has 2 brothers & they all live 3 hrs away. I wish there were birthday cards & special calls, but there really is not. He does get Christmas presents. Everyone loves my son, but there really are no special efforts made at emotional closeness & it hurts me because I think DS is the poorer for it. I must say when DBIL lived near he did take DS16 out kayaking, so that was super. & DS16 really likes his uncle
with my own nieces, I have always been the one to keep the ball in motion. DSis, although she loves us, has visited us 3 times in 15 years & 2 of those times were so we could babysit while they went skiing.
DH & I do all the back & forth & keeping in contact & it has been well worth it as DS16 has a good relationship with all his aunts & uncles & my nieces--in their 20's-- & I are very close

Jean

 

[cstraub]

I am an only child of older parents and my husband has one sister. My 3 children have one biological Aunt and no biological uncles. There are many great aunts and uncles that don't seem to know my kids exist. They don't seem to think of their role as profound but to me that's unimaginable. I will never have a biological niece or nephew let alone great ones! I would have loved that!
I had an Aunt (my moms sister) who died 2 years ago. I only saw her maybe ten times in my life but she was a huge inspiration to me. We would talk for hours on the phone. I really miss her. She would send small gifts and cards from time to time but nothing lavish. What mattered most to me was knowing she was out there in that big world out there loving me. Her impact on my life was one of the most profound!

I have 2 nieces and one nephew through marriage. I have always understood the impact that I have on their lives. I want them to know that they are loved and that they can come to me for anything. I have similiar aged children so we have sleep overs and take trips to the zoo and such.

Never underestimate the positive influence you can have as a aunt. Be involved as much as you can.

 

[summerrluvv]

I don't really expect anything, however, I honestly thought that my sister (who lives with me) would be more "into" taking DS places, spending time with him etc. She doesn't do much with him at all and they both argue all the time. Imagine that, a 24 year old arguing with a 6 year old

 

[Panthra529]

I feel for your dilemma. I can't even go into the terribly twisted dynamics (both good and bad) of my family. However one picece of advice I feel I offer is never expect anything of anybody, and I feel it is horrible for family to expect anything of you. I don't mean this to sound in a sour grapes jilted way. My husband and I are very compassionate and giving toward our family, and we do things for our nieces and nephews because we want to, not because it is expected of us. There are those in our family who would expect things, and usually they are the ones who cause all the trouble at family gatherings. (I know I am not alone here!)

At Christmas and on birthdays my husband and I remind our children that not everyone always can give, or does give gifts. They should be greatful to just spend time with family members. (now I sound like little house on the prairie) This way they don't have their feelings hurt when/if they don't recieve something, or on occasion receive something very strange (my son once got a roll of film from his aunt, he doesn't even have a camera). I will admit that I do become a little irked if certain family members who can, don't make an effort for the kids, but I have to pull myself back and remember, "Don't expect anything!" It is so hard!

As far as your DH wanting to go all out at birthdays and Christmas, if you have the means to do it.....let him do it! Imagine how the kids feel being so spoiled! Even if he doesn't talk to them the rest of the year, I bet they talk about him a lot. 2 hours away can be difficult for some to keep in contact, I am guessing DH isn't much for the computer, or at least for emailing. Also, his siblings not having much to do with him unless they want something might be reason for not keeping in contact through much of the year. If he calls or emails, maybe he is afraid something might be asked of him. I might be reading too much into your post, but it sounds like you are a little disgruntled toward your inlaws for not bothering with you two unless they want something, but you have to remember, it isn't fair to punish the kids for how their parents behave. Maybe your husband wants to go the extra mile for birthdays and Christmas just for that reason.

I am sure you have talked with your husband about this and explained your feelings. Hopefully he has explained to you why he does what he does. If not make sure you tell him how you feel, but if he disagrees with you, I wouldn't be too pushy. He isn't doing any harm towards the kids, so just let him go with it.

Good Luck to you.

 

[ceecee]

If this is in response to gifts....what age do you quit giving them gifts? My DH's sister has 3 kids who are in late 20's and live in FL, we see two of them once a year, no phone calls, letters or anything else. We still send them gift cards every year...............and have yet to get a Thank you. Two are married now so we send double the $.

 

[Panthra529]

I am an only child of older parents and my husband has one sister. My 3 children have one biological Aunt and no biological uncles. There are many great aunts and uncles that don't seem to know my kids exist. They don't seem to think of their role as profound but to me that's unimaginable. I will never have a biological niece or nephew let alone great ones! I would have loved that!
I had an Aunt (my moms sister) who died 2 years ago. I only saw her maybe ten times in my life but she was a huge inspiration to me. We would talk for hours on the phone. I really miss her. She would send small gifts and cards from time to time but nothing lavish. What mattered most to me was knowing she was out there in that big world out there loving me. Her impact on my life was one of the most profound!

I have 2 nieces and one nephew through marriage. I have always understood the impact that I have on their lives. I want them to know that they are loved and that they can come to me for anything. I have similiar aged children so we have sleep overs and take trips to the zoo and such.

Never underestimate the positive influence you can have as a aunt. Be involved as much as you can.

Cstraub, AMEN! I wish everyone could feel this way, I love it! My sister is a huge inspiration to my kids. She treats them as if they were her own. But, as implied in a previous post, I have inlaws that are a pain in the @*! (fill in the blank). I make sure my kids understand that even though they aren't as giving as my sister, they are no less important. We have to be careful as adults not to bias our kids toward other family members, even if we do wish they would just go away.....far, far away....(imagining Siberia) LOL!!

Hopefully everyone can have someone in their life that was like your aunt was to you. The roll might not always be taken by an aunt or uncle, or even by a family member. Maybe a good friend takes the roll, but either way, they would be very lucky indeed!

 

[Merandab4]

Panthra, You hit the nail on the head with your first post.

CeeCee, that is awfully nice of you to still send the giftcards. I am sure they appreciate it, but would not expect it since they don't bother with you the rest of the year!

 

[Lucky4me]

If this is in response to gifts....what age do you quit giving them gifts? My DH's sister has 3 kids who are in late 20's and live in FL, we see two of them once a year, no phone calls, letters or anything else. We still send them gift cards every year...............and have yet to get a Thank you. Two are married now so we send double the $.

Holy cow cee cee!
When does it end, when they're 40, 50?!!
We agreed with all our siblings (13 between dh and I) to stop at 18. At last count there were 30 nieces and nephews and 15 grand nieces and nephews. Way too many to buy gifts for every year.
I think anytime it becomes stressful is the time to stop buying gifts for extended family members.

 

[Panthra529]

Yikes Ceecee, can you send me gift cards too? LMAO....you are a good person, but if you are asking for advice, I think next year just send a card with your signature in it! I think once they become an adult, it is their turn to be sending the gift cards.

 

[the kabuki]

If this is in response to gifts....what age do you quit giving them gifts? My DH's sister has 3 kids who are in late 20's and live in FL, we see two of them once a year, no phone calls, letters or anything else. We still send them gift cards every year...............and have yet to get a Thank you. Two are married now so we send double the $.

When you reach 18 years, gifts are over, for Christmas and Birthdays. Family gets together, has some cake and coffee, sings Happy Birthday, and maybe gives a card. We're getting too big to give gifts to all of them. just got to be too expensive

As for Aunts/Uncles, best advice would be don't worry so much about the gift giving part and do more with taking them out places without mom & dad. Could be the zoo, roller skating, spending the night over. Kids will enjoy that way more than a toy they'll forget about in a week. Plus it gives parents' a break too.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

As an Aunt I have expectations for myself that I will be there for my nieces and nephews, but I have one niece that was just born that we probably won't be close to because we aren't that close to my Dh's brother and we don't live that close to them. However, my oldest nephew and I are pretty close, we used to watch movies together and when he was little we would do seasonal things like go to the pumpkin patch together, now he's 13 and his parents are divorced, but he still IM's me about once a week even though we live too far apart to visit.

As far as expectations of my kids' aunts and uncles, I wouldn't care less about gifts, I would like them to call and tell them Happy Birthday or pay attention to them when they visit, but I don't "expect" it of them because I know it probably isn't going to happen. My brother doesn't get to see my kids very often because he lives far away and they don't talk on the phone, he only sends small gifts at Christmas that the kids forget about as soon as they open, BUT every time we do visit he spends so much time playing with them that he is by far their favorite uncle. When my DS was in the hospital being treated for leukemia he was also the only uncle who visited him (out of 5 aunts/uncles and only 1 great aunt out of too many to count) and took the time to stay overnight at my house and focus completely on my healthy children.

In my opinion, if you aren't close to the nieces/nephews, don't play with them or hardly ever see them, you shouldn't try to buy them either. Kids won't remember who gave them what gifts unless the person giving them the gift was special to them in the first place.

 

[cstraub]

In my opinion, if you aren't close to the nieces/nephews, don't play with them or hardly ever see them, you shouldn't try to buy them either. Kids won't remember who gave them what gifts unless the person giving them the gift was special to them in the first place.

You hit the nail on the head!!!

 

[bettyann29]

Not sure what you mean by expectations.. I have 5 brothers and 1 sister and I dont expect anything from them in regards to my kids.. We all take it upon ourselves whether we get gifts for the kids, etc.. So far on Christmas we get just the kids gifts in the family and then of course our parents.. every now and then we get something for each other, but I would never even expect a gift from them to my kids.. it just happens that way.. I dont expect anything from them at birthday time either..

 

[canwegosoon]

If this is in response to gifts....what age do you quit giving them gifts? My DH's sister has 3 kids who are in late 20's and live in FL, we see two of them once a year, no phone calls, letters or anything else. We still send them gift cards every year...............and have yet to get a Thank you. Two are married now so we send double the $.

My godfather used to send me Christmas/birthday cards and a gift, shirt or dress. Now(he's 70) and I am one of the few that send him a birthday/christmas card. I would stop the gifts, and send a card only-it is the thought that counts and you are obviously thinking about them!

To the OP -I think it does hurt when no one shows intrest in your children(espically if they help other neices and nephews). This is the case in my family. Also neither set of grandparents visit. We live 4-5 hours away from the rest of the family, and they all expect us to go there...they never come here. What I do for my younger neices, is try to make milestome birthdays(1st), and First Holy Communion etc.(they live 8-10 hours away). If I see them in the summer at their grandparents camp I bring a little gift. But I noticed that no one does this with my kids(and one aunt/godmother used to always have a little something- coloring book, car etc.) But what drives me crazy is when my BIL calls to speak with me DH and then DH says do you want to speak to the boys(he is also their godfather) and he says....NO. It all just hurts. But I think it hurts more when you see things being done for others that is not being done for yours.