What are the right words to say

[DisneyObsessed]

to friends you have known for 20 years when they tell you they're divorcing. We have even lived in the same house with this family. We have been so close for years, even though the husbands job has moved them all over the country. They were supposed to retire here (where I live). He got a promotion about a year ago, and off they go again. They have two daughters who are now in college, but they were uprooted their whole lives. Not to mention what the wife has had to go through with all of these moves. The husband told her he doesn't love her anymore. I feel so badly, but I don't know what to do or say.
________________
Dawn

 

[jfulcer]

I'm sorry?

 

[EdiePA]

and don't worry that you'll say something "wrong". The hardest part of my separation has been people that wouldn't talk to me because they didn't know what to say.

How about "I'm sorry, I'm here for you." The biggest help to me was a friend who just sat and cried with me -- no words of wisdom, no tearing my ex down, no "what did you do wrong". She just was there for me.

HTH,
Edie

 

[Nutsy]

Gosh, I don't really know if there are any "right" words.

But I think saying you are very sorry might be nice.........other than that I really don't know.

 

[luvmydogs]

I think "I'm sorry" and "I'm always here for you" are the perfect words when someone is hurting so badly. Just listening can help so much, too. Best wishes to your friend, what a difficult time it must be for her...

 

[DisneyObsessed]

I've certainly said these things, but it just doesn't seem like it's enough. She is hurting so badly. This completely came out of the blue. She was already suffering from *empty nest*, so she's very vulnerable right now.
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Dawn

 

[Poohnatic]

I agree, say something, anything. Just telling her "I'm sorry, is there anything I can do?" will suffice.

10 years ago, my ex husband walked out without warning (I thought he was having an affair, and he was-denied it until the day he left). The most helpful thing for me was to have friends tell me they were sorry and that they were there to listen.

I lived 300 miles away from my closest friends and family, and my long distance bills showed how much everyone listened!

One very dear friend sent me flowers with a note along the lines of "you brought cheer to me when I needed it many times and I want to bring you something to cheer you".

My wonderful friends never said a disparaging word the whole time I was greiving the loss of a 9 year relationship. It says a lot about my current husband that he wanted to maintain a friendship with the ex when he moved here from out of state.

Suzanne

 

[pajamommy]

I agree with everyone who says to just say sorry and let the person know that you are there for them. I am going through my own divorce right now, and the people who are non-judgemental and don't offer unsoliciated advice are the people who I want to have around me. Just be supportive and a good listener!

 

[lillykat]

I think the best thing to say is just something to let her know that you are sorry and if she needs anything - whether that be an ear or a hand that you will be there for her - I think the most important thing is for her to know she has a friend and a supporter in you. And that you are there for her if she just needs someone to talk to without judgements.

 

[Kallison]

I would suggest making a bonfire out of his wardrobe. Or maybe just cut one sleeve off of every shirt.

 

[Otto's Doll]

a hug, a phone call, a note. Anything. Just let them know you are there. They will appreciate this more than they can ever say.

 

[MerryPoppins]

Offer a hug, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, unconditional love. Those things matter more than what you could say.

 

[ducklite]

You might also want to send her a small bouquet of flowers to cheer her up a little. When she sees them she'll know you're thinking of her. If it's in your budget, perhaps you could fly her out to visit with you for a week or so as well.

Anne

 

[DisneyObsessed]

Kallison, you cracked me up.

Ducklike, I wish I could fly down, but we're going to WDW soon and I can't afford it. But I really was thinking about the flowers.
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Dawn

 

[snoopy]

I would suggest making a bonfire out of his wardrobe. Or maybe just cut one sleeve off of every shirt.

I'm with Kallison.

A friend's husband decided he didn't love her as much as he loved their nanny, so her friends and her decided to blow cigarette smoke on all his clothing, since he detested the smell of smoke so much. Oh, and I also remember something about mixing used kitty litter in with his coffee beans on the last day that he lived in the house. And then there was a divorce party that was so much fun it rivaled any wedding I've ever been to.

Of course, not everyone goes the way of revenge, so I'd stick to telling her how sorry you are, and if there is anything you can do (including cutting his clothes or taking up the smoking habit) that you'll be there for her.

 

[DisneyObsessed]

 

[Micca]

When I heard of people getting divorced, I used to say "I'm sorry". The reply was almost universally "it's for the best". Now I say "I'm sorry you have to go through all of that". That means even if it is for the best, it's at the very least, a pain in the neck
that I'm wishing my friend did not have to endure.