Well that sucked!

[bethy]

Some folks mean no disrespect. They just don't have the "thoughtful" or "surprise" gene in their DNA. Don't be too hard because they may be doing their best. I know, from personal experience. DH and DD do not have a romantic or sentimental bone in their body. Now, they appreciate these qualities and try, but it's not their "specialty". Thankfully, their other halves have "the gift". It all works out.

Actually I would argue that when their other halves have that gift that can make things worse. If their spouses have the gift then that means it is something they value highly. And will miss over the course of their lifetimes. Yes, it all works out, as you say - for the non sentimental parties. For me, it would have been better to choose someone who had this trait in common with me.

Plus like I said, I have told myself what you just posted for 27 years. It worked for a long time but suddenly it just doesn't anymore. I'm getting old and tired, I guess. I am trying to get to a point where it is a nonissue for me but I haven't been able to yet. I do recognize that ultimately the change will have to be within me because they will never change.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

What would be the motivation behind purchasing a too-small sweater intentionally? Am I missing something?

My MIL gave me a too small sweater one year with an uplifting note telling me she knew it was a few sizes too small but she hopes it would be incentive for me to lose some weight.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Actually I would argue that when their other halves have that gift that can make things worse. If their spouses have the gift then that means it is something they value highly. And will miss over the course of their lifetimes. Yes, it all works out, as you say - for the non sentimental parties. For me, it would have been better to choose someone who had this trait in common with me.

Plus like I said, I have told myself what you just posted for 27 years. It worked for a long time but suddenly it just doesn't anymore. I'm getting old and tired, I guess. I am trying to get to a point where it is a nonissue for me but I haven't been able to yet. I do recognize that ultimately the change will have to be within me because they will never change.

For me, it's okay. DH has qualities/talents, that I don't possess. Two halves make a whole.

If, I really want something special, I will make the purchase, have it wrapped and put under the tree. It's inside joke and DH thinks it's hilarious.

Now, I'm on my way to exchange the pumps, DH gave me for Christmas. He really tried, but still got the wrong size. He gets an A+++ for trying

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My MIL gave me a too small sweater one year with an uplifting note telling me she knew it was a few sizes too small but she hopes it would be incentive for me to lose some weight.

OMG. So did you put it to Goodwill, the trash, or burned it?

 

[jrmasm]

Yes, that is probably the difference here.

The things I get for myself for Christmas is something I will not go out and just "buy".

For me, I am totally excited to get something that is a "want" and not a "need".

ETA, read Designmom's post and that is us as well, totally.

This yr. my DH gave me a gift card he got from his work as a "bonus" and I am going to use that to go and get myself a new pair of boots. My old boots are almost as old as my youngest child who is 19, lol. I have really needed boots for a few yrs. I am not going to buy cheap boots so that is why the purchase is delayed when it fits in the budget.

I have not shopped yet because I was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday and Christmas shopping for boots is not high on my list of priorities.

DH told us he wanted a new wallet and an appliance dolly. DD and I picked out the wallet, he bought the dolly. He did not wrap it though. It was put in use to move my older dd to another apartment. Plus we are going to be selling this house so it is a necessary purchase.

My 19yo got the game "Cards Against Humanity" as her gift. My 24yodd got a "Cuddle Dud" blanket and we helped her move her apartment. DH rented a UHAUL.

My 19yodd gave me an ornament with her college name on it and I picked out Lush products from her to me. The 24yo bought nothing, she does not have the cash at the moment.

And that is it for us to the kids. My mom gave me a gift card and my sister gave me a Star Wars Blanket.

Best wishes with your treatment.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Best wishes with your treatment.

Thanks.

 

[mummabear]

My MIL gave me a too small sweater one year with an uplifting note telling me she knew it was a few sizes too small but she hopes it would be incentive for me to lose some weight.

She sounds so lovely

 

[TheIncredibles!]

OMG. So did you put it to Goodwill, the trash, or burned it?

Goodwill!

 

[littleblackegg]

My MIL gave me a too small sweater one year with an uplifting note telling me she knew it was a few sizes too small but she hopes it would be incentive for me to lose some weight.

Charming.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Goodwill!

Very nice of you. I might have been bad and threw it away.

 

[littleblackegg]

The other question I had. People this inconsiderate and/or thoughtless don't become so overnight. I think I would be much more happy if I just anticipated a crappy, thoughtless gift and bought something for myself. The whole process of guiding and directing someone to purchase a nice gift for me sounds exhausting and a little bit humiliating. Is this the first time your husband has given you a gift like this? Does he occasionally purchase a nice gift for you, and that is what is making you anticipate a thoughtful gift?

 

[superme80]

OP I feel your pain. My DH loves me but he is not very "loving." To me, receiving a meaningful gift is a reflection of how well he knows me. Of how much he pays attention to the details of my life and to what makes me smile. Which he doesn't.

Also, I love surprises but he has surprised me probably two times in our 27 years together. And they were small surprises - like one was a DvD of an old movie I hadn't been able to find. For someone who loves to be surprised I would love to have one - just one - relatively big surprise just one time in my LIFETIME. A person can't give surprises to themselves. My husband has never even surprised me with dinner out, for example.

There are a million great things about my DH. And I've reminded myself that for 27 years. But honestly after all this time it does bother me more and more. I have to be honest. I know people say well to HIM things like that just aren't important, yadda yadda. But that makes it about HIM. How hard would it be to apply himself outside of his comfort zone and make something about ME for once - his loving and faithful wife. Just ONCE?

Sigh.

Edited to add that yes, I have had loving conversations with him about this many times. And that hurts even worse because he still doesn't take it seriously.

THIS EXACTLY! I love DH. He is a great guy. A wonderful father and great husband. But yes that part does bother me a lot. My love language is gifts. I love to give AND receive. It is hard when your husband talks about all the things he would like to do for you, but never does them. I can count on one hand how many times I have received flowers from him. For my birthday 2 years ago I asked him to plan a date and take me out. All he had to do was plan where and set up a baby-sitter. I am still waiting. If we go anywhere, I plan it. I don't mind most of the time, but I would love to be taken out. Yes we have had this conversation countless times. He even comments once in awhile about how bad he is in the romance department. I usually just keep my mouth shut. I am tired of fighting about it. It is what it is.

 

[3Gsandme]

What would be the motivation behind purchasing a too-small sweater intentionally? Am I missing something?

My poor husband has done this. He believed the hanger tag and didn't check the tag on the garment. He was upset. I just exchanged it. No biggie.

 

[ronandannette]

Because then you're not the only person watching your family year into a pile of gifts while you sit and do nothing. That would bother some people. It would bother me. It would be less upsetting, to me, to open even something I purchased than to sit, stew and be miserable watching everyone else open.

Very different strokes, I guess. Not only wouldn't that bother me, I actually like watching others open gifts to see what their reactions might be. I couldn't care less if I never received another gift as long as I live.

It does mean a lot to my DH so I make sure there is a reasonable amount (3 or 4) of packages for him - he doesn't even really care what they are. There were a few years when we shared Christmas with certain relatives that they bought waaaay more for their kids than our DS was getting. I realize it was difficult for him to watch even though he had gotten everything he wanted or reasonably expected to get. Rather than just buy him more junk to "even the count" we actually stopped being with them on Christmas morning until all the kids got much older.

 

[justgrace]

Because then you're not the only person watching your family year into a pile of gifts while you sit and do nothing. That would bother some people. It would bother me. It would be less upsetting, to me, to open even something I purchased than to sit, stew and be miserable watching everyone else open.

That would bother me as well. I love watching people open gifts and see their reactions, but I also want to open gifts. Even if I know what the present is that I'm opening, I still want to participate in the Christmas present opening. It might sound like a trivial thing to some people, but it would make me sad and feel left out.

 

[maxaroni]

My mom always enjoyed giving surprises, even when I got to be an adult and married. She'd choose some things off of our wish list but then give some things she found she thought we'd like. When she got too sick to shop or even wrap, we bought our own gifts (dad gave us checks) wrapped them and took the gifts over. Mom was upset as we'd know everything we were getting. However, we had no problem as the most important thing to us was being together as a family. Now that my mom is gone, dad still gives us a check and we do the same thing. He's 80, would have no idea what we'd like and hates to shop. No big deal.

As far as my DH and I, there has been some misses but mostly hits throughout our 35 years of marriage. Even the misses were not due to lack of thought going into it. There have been some year where we have bought something and then given it to the other to wrap and put under the tree for the other. It may be a pair of shoes or something we need to try on. Makes no difference at the end of the day. We love each other, our hearts are in it and being together is most important.

 

[maxaroni]

Yes, that is probably the difference here.

The things I get for myself for Christmas is something I will not go out and just "buy".

For me, I am totally excited to get something that is a "want" and not a "need".

ETA, read Designmom's post and that is us as well, totally.

This yr. my DH gave me a gift card he got from his work as a "bonus" and I am going to use that to go and get myself a new pair of boots. My old boots are almost as old as my youngest child who is 19, lol. I have really needed boots for a few yrs. I am not going to buy cheap boots so that is why the purchase is delayed when it fits in the budget.

I have not shopped yet because I was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday and Christmas shopping for boots is not high on my list of priorities.

DH told us he wanted a new wallet and an appliance dolly. DD and I picked out the wallet, he bought the dolly. He did not wrap it though. It was put in use to move my older dd to another apartment. Plus we are going to be selling this house so it is a necessary purchase.

My 19yo got the game "Cards Against Humanity" as her gift. My 24yodd got a "Cuddle Dud" blanket and we helped her move her apartment. DH rented a UHAUL.

My 19yodd gave me an ornament with her college name on it and I picked out Lush products from her to me. The 24yo bought nothing, she does not have the cash at the moment.

And that is it for us to the kids. My mom gave me a gift card and my sister gave me a Star Wars Blanket.

I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I will say a prayer and send good thoughts your way. Didn't your DH have major heart issues several years ago needing emergency surgery? My mom was a breast cancer survivor...sadly, she passed away from a myriad of other issues but was a breast cancer survivor for 12 years.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

DH bought me a sweater that he knew wouldn't fit (bought a petite on purpose, told me I could exchange it) and a piece of costume jewelry. I told him, buy something pretty at X store in a Medium. A nicer ladies clothing store with plenty of pretty items in a medium. I'm not petite, I'm 5'6" tall and a solid size 12.

I'm pretty simple when it comes to jewelry, have 2 rings that I wear every day, wear earrings once a year. There is a jewelry line that I do like that is not costume but is not expensive. The catalog comes to our house regularly. I have never bought a piece of costume jewelry in my life. It looks like plastic.

I was devastated on Christmas morning, as he continued to open present after present.

I spent $400+ on him, including the Star Wars BB-8 droid that I knew he would love. Packages regularly arrived from amazon and he knew they were for him as they were bought on my amazon account, not our joint account. I wanted to surprise him and I also didn't want to be on our joint account to accidentally see what he was getting me. That laugh is on me.

He has issues from childhood surrounding Christmas and I gave him $400 from my personal fun money account to go and buy things for our 2 kids, this was after all of the Santa list items were purchased. It's important for him that the kids have lots of gifts to open. Remember, he bought me 2 gifts, one of which he knew wouldn't fit.

And then he managed to lose our 12 year old son's drone within the first hour of playing with it. It's gone for good.

We've been married for 18 years. Thanks for listening.

Next year, just buy your own gifts. After 18 years of marriage, it seems he is set in his ways.

I love stockings. I fill them all including mine. Otherwise, mine does not get filled. It would be nice for my husband to fill it. Just not his thing. He will occasionally put something in it. This time was a ticket to a show I wanted to see. But that was a last minute request from me. He would not have remembered.

If getting stuff makes you happy, buy what you want and throw it under the tree.

My husband landed a plane my son got on someone's roof once. Very very tall houses. It was gone. Flying devices are quite challenging for that reason. We actually prefer to avoid them. As cool as they can be, it doesn't take much for them to get lost or get stuck to where you cannot retrieve them.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

My husband and I have been married for over 20 years, and we have never bought each other gifts for Christmas. We enjoy buying gifts for the kids. We don't need/want much, and our holidays are always low-key around here. We always use an end of year bonus check on a trip to Florida. We will be going to Disney next month. I'm so excited! If we did buy each other presents, however, I guess I might be upset at what the OP is going through. It's just a simple vent, and I can understand minor annoyances that happen in life.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm so easy to buy for. Anything from Williams-Sonoma, Pottery Barn, Pier 1, Tevana, places like that. I love to cook. I love anything local or handmade. He knows all of this.

I am CERTAIN this store had plenty of other choices that I would love in my size. So that I could actually wear it and not have to schlep out to the mall after Christmas.

How do you know he knows?

My husband knows what I like. Really knows. (He just isn't into filling stockings.). His family was big on lists. So I give him lists. He gives me lists. We are free to buy off these lists and know the person will like it. I "know" my husband loves electronics and gadgetry. But I have no actual clue on what practical or fun things he might actually want. The giga, the mega, compatibility with this or that. No. I need to know which specific widgets will fit his request for generalized items with cables and plugs. he loves Best Buy. That tells me nothing.

Don't assume your husband "knows" if you have never seen any fruits of this knowledge. Just because you love these things or own a few pieces doesn't mean he is actively noting the Brands you use or what pieces you already own.

I bought my husband pajama pants that were too large. Oops.