Well that sucked!

[Disneylover99]

Why did he buy the wrong size sweater? OP, you told him to get a medium and he got a different size and I believe you said it was intentional to get the wrong size. Why??

I'm thinking he wants to see her in a tight sweater.

 

[DawnM]

I understand you are venting and I get that, but what I do not understand is why this has not been addressed before this. My DH stinks at gift giving. He always has and at first I was pretty upset, but I figured we needed to change how we looked at gift giving occasions. WE DO NOT spend a lot on Chistmas for each other (well this year he did, my DD called and told him I really wanted a specific DIsney Dooney, and after she spelled it out"YOu need to pay for it" it appeared under the tree.) We also do not exchange cards. they make him uncomfortable and I refuse to get my feelings hurt over a card. We do things for each other throughout the year, little things, big things, whatever seems appropriate at the time.

So...I would have a chat with your DH. EIther stop exchanging for Christmas or shop for a couples gift for the two of you. And then stick wth the rule. If you say no more exchanging....do not buy him a gift. If you say small gift, get him a little gift. No more over the top gifts that will set up him up to be a loser. You know he wil not do well in this, so let him and you off the hook.

What I would do is evaluate what he is like in the giant scheme of your life. Is this guy just a gift giving flop or does he let you down continually? Mine is a flop, and if it was nto for my DD, he woudl be even worse. I got the purse but my favorite from him was the electric knife that I wanted, he panicked that DD had not picked it up. See the trend? DD. DD. DD. So he is usually a gift flop, but the guy is stand up throughout the year. That is what counts to me. How is your DH when it comes to every day living? That is what is important.

I also would evaluate how you look at gift giving. Is this how you measure love? If it is you really need to spell that out to him. I am not saying it is wrong, but if the two of you are not n the same page here, there is bound to be a problem.

I actually wasn't venting, I was telling the OP that I have known this about DH for years and so we just simply wouldn't do it.

DH and I don't exchange gifts, but he sometimes surprises me with finding something he knows I will want. I HATE surprises, as in gifts I didn't ask for, and may or may not like. I even picked out my own engagement ring WITH him and told him up front I wanted to be there.

But when it comes to the kids, he honestly wouldn't know what to get them unless he had a list, a very specific list.

You are reading way more into my post than I intended. I intended to tell the OP that we don't do it that way and maybe she shouldn't either.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

No one can be worse at vanity sizing gifts than my husband. I swear he buys me toddler clothes and says, "It looked like it would fit!"

Yeah my thigh maybe.

 

[Nancyg56]

I actually wasn't venting, I was telling the OP that I have known this about DH for years and so we just simply wouldn't do it.

DH and I don't exchange gifts, but he sometimes surprises me with finding something he knows I will want. I HATE surprises, as in gifts I didn't ask for, and may or may not like. I even picked out my own engagement ring WITH him and told him up front I wanted to be there.

But when it comes to the kids, he honestly wouldn't know what to get them unless he had a list, a very specific list.

You are reading way more into my post than I intended. I intended to tell the OP that we don't do it that way and maybe she shouldn't either.

I was actually speaking to the op so if I hit the wrong button ( again) I am really sorry. I was not responding to your suggestion and apologize that it seemed so.

We almost never do traditional exchanges between DH and I on anniversaries or birthdays or sntbother holiday. It doesn't work for ys

 

[mjkacmom]

I would NEVER give my husband $400 and tell him told do the Christmas shopping for my boys.

Magic only happens if I make it happen.

My husband is a great guy, but gifts aren't his thing.

I buy my own gifts too. I get exactly what I want that way.

We've been together 26 years, married for 20, 5 kids, oldest is 19. In that time, I don't think he's ever bought a gift for a child, or even his parents! Sometimes he gets me something, sometimes not (got me a Starbucks gift card this year - my suggestion was a down comforter - so close...). It is what it is - he's a great husband and dad - gifts are not his thing!

 

[Snowysmom]

I can understand being disappointed when you gave your DH the item, size, and store and he didn't pay attention. My DH did not do well with buying clothes. One year he got me a bright orange shirt that he loved. Well, the satellites in space could have seen me. I wore it around the house and he was happy. He has gotten better over the years as I have told him what I like and sizes to get. After almost 40 years, he is quite good at it now. I got some nice shirts and pants this year. Maybe your DH will get better over time and if you let him know how important it is to you to get what you ask for to make the holidays fun for all.

 

[krnlmustrd]

Make it easy for him. Use the Amazon Wish List system. Everyone I buy for has been doing that for years. We all get what we want for the most part. It's pretty stress free and we get to avoid the torture of going out to the stores. With Amazon Prime you can usually get free shipping too.

 

[PollyannaMom]

If it's really just about the gifts, then I'm afraid it does kind of come off as a little petty...But I have a feeling it's really about more than things. - How does he treat you the rest of the time?

If it really is just that you believe in spending equal effort/money on gifts and he doesn't think that way, either do less for him, or add stuff for yourself and label it from Santa. You can't force somebody to think differently, but you can play with the details to make things suit your style more.

 

[DawnM]

I was actually speaking to the op so if I hit the wrong button ( again) I am really sorry. I was not responding to your suggestion and apologize that it seemed so.

We almost never do traditional exchanges between DH and I on anniversaries or birthdays or sntbother holiday. It doesn't work for ys

Ah, this makes more sense.....I kept thinking, "Did my post really come across as me being angry and upset?"

Thanks for clarifying.

 

[Allons-y!]

So, was the top a petite medium, or what? Because "petite" isn't a size by itself.

 

[DawnM]

Oh, and just an FYI:

There are things I would never buy for my DH either.

He is an avid golfer, he actually used to have pro status. I would never, ever buy him golf clubs or golf equipment because even if he told me what to buy, it might be the wrong thing that I end up getting. He would have to send me a link to the exact item for me to even consider buying it.

Same for him with me and kitchen items. I bought a new espresso machine for myself this year, a nice one you can't get in regular stores (they used to sell it at Williams Sonoma but now cater to the pod types almost exclusively). I asked him for a tamper. I told him you can't buy them locally, you have to order them. He didn't hear that part apparently! He went to 5 different stores and said he couldn't find one!

It is ok, I will order my own.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

@Gumbo4x4

Go for experience gifts then. For example, if you never go out to dinner find a restaurant you both haven't been to before that has good reviews and get a gift certificate to it with the promise that you will take for a special dinner there. My dh normally sucks at gift giving. This year he surprised me with two tickets to see a band I love even though he's not a fan of going to concerts. I had no idea the band will be coming to town next year. I was bowled over by his creativity and thoughtfulness for once.

This is the kind of stuff I tend to focus on. The tickets to see one of our favorite comedians was a clear "hit" this year. Edit: her birthday present was SUPPOSED to be a getaway for the two of us. But, one of the kids got sick so she went with a girlfriend instead.

 

[sunshinehighway]

It seems to me this is more about the lack of effort and thought than a petty whine about not getting as many gifts. Yes, some people suck at gift giving but you can tell when they care enough to put in effort.
If he's a nice, helpful, thoughtful person and just sucks at Christmas, that's one thing. I find that usually isn't the case though. People would can't be bothered with at least trying to find a nice gift for a loved one generally can't be bothered with so many other things that don't revolve around themselves either.

 

[NCRedding]

I feel for you OP, and can relate. My husband grew up in a family where they bought tons of crap and wrapped it up and called it Christmas. We had to open each gift individually and ooh and ahh over each one. One year I got a jogging suit that was regift and was 3 sizes to small, and petite to boot (I'm 5'10"). The rest of my gifts were cat toys. My family only gives 2-4 gifts per person, but they are nice gifts. In 25 years of giving, I cannot change his habits. I tried 2 years ago and said, "money is tight. Let's spend no more than $100 on each other" so I got $100 worth of crap. He got 2 nice presents and was disappointed.

This year, the gifts my daughter bought for him to give me were spot on. His gifts to me included a set of 300 count sheets (his quote "I don't know thread count, but I think this is good, but it doesn't matter, cause these were cheap); a bath mat, a box of 12 drinks mixers (which I've told him before when he has given me these taste very metallic. Just spend the $20 on some good juice and I'll be happy). He was thrilled to give my daughter and I gold Winnie the Pooh necklaces, that included a 12 inch chain (I don't wear necklaces, have a fat neck, and can't imagine wearing a Pooh necklace to court). For his brother and nephews, he bought Christmas ties. I've only seen my BIL in a necklace at my wedding, and his parents' funerals, and my nephews have NEVER worn a tie. I'd much rather him take the money he spent on all the "cheap" stuff and buy me one thing I want, but I'm not going to change him.

He can't recognize that we don't like the items, or that spending any amount of money on crap is still overspending. He bought our daughter a Spongebob Squarepants blanket this year "cause it was cheap, and she likes Spongebob, right?" Well she did in 3rd grade, but she's 23 now.

This year, I just budgeted $400 for him to spend on crap, so that at least I wasn't stressing over the christmas budget.
I've tried talking to him about it at less stressful times. I've tried leading by example. I've talked, I've explained, and none of it works. So I smile when I open presents, and vent to relieve my frustration.

 

[anniemae]

Do what I do OP, when you are out shopping around Christmas time, just pick out what you like, throw it in the cart and tell him they are your gifts from him for christmas and all he has to do is wrap them. Done. I got just what I wanted AND the correct sizes too!

 

[MrsDuck]

I most certainly understand how you feel. There's nothing worse than feeling like you've put thought, time, and effort into something and it wasn't matched in return. I know nothing has to be equal and life's not fair but it's sucky when it feels like the person you expect to be thoughtful isn't.

@mom2grace, you said he knows you're upset... how did he respond to that?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

There's a lot going on here. And it's not necessarily all about Christmas or gift giving.

As a fellow nurse, I'm sensing "burnout" from you. Not necessarily in a "work" sort of way, but in a "life" sort of way. You're giving, giving, giving of yourself, all the time, at work, at home, at Christmas, and you're getting little in return - at least that's what it "sounds and feels like" to me. I get it, cause I've felt it too, not in the exact same way, but in other ways, and it's a subject as coworkers we discuss a lot. And it's not really that you're "getting little in return"; that's not it, really. It's just that, perhaps, when it's "your turn" to receive, there's a big imbalance. Put it this way, if you didn't do as much as you do and this happened, it might not sting as much. Am I getting there?

I feel it, not in a gift-giving way, but in a medical way, myself. It's like, I've spent my entire career giving the best possible care I can give people, trying hard to treat each patient as if they were my own family member, etc. But when it comes time for myself or my family to receive care, it often feels crappy. Not always, but sometimes. And when it's happened, especially when it comes to my children, I felt anger. Because it just feels so lopsided. And draining to have to push for the care that I know we should be receving anyway, eta at a time that I should only have to worry about being a mom, or a daughter, or a patient myself - not a working nurse. And I've felt burnout, too, as a working nurse, a mother, a daughter to a 90 year old who lives with me, a wife, a dog mom (two in wheelchairs), etc. There's only so much you can give until your own reserves are gone. And I think school is probably a big drain on your reserves right now - for those asking, why now - even if it's ultimately a good thing for you.

I'm a big believer that nurses need to take care of themselves in order to keep going - in a healthy way - because what we do is so difficult. (And getting harder and harder all the time.) Your reserves need to be refilled from time to time. And one of the ways your reserves could have been filled two days ago was by seeing your husband make an effort to get you something really nice and appropriate. Just about anything nice and appropriate, right? After all, once again, you try to be so sensitive to HIS needs (ie history) yet who is thinking about YOUR needs? Glad your children made an effort, and I feel like, in his own strange way, he sort of did, too. I would not advocate, in this case, for you to get your own gifts. No way. It would be one more thing you'd have to do, IMO, and would cause more resentment. I would, however, do something like be VERY specific about what you want, and even send links or pictures on your phone of what you want, sizes included, to your husband and let him buy and wrap them for you. Have a loving conversation with him to explain why this is so important to you, and how far it would go to making YOU feel loved and appreciated, too. Then your happy to keep going. But to be going going going and no refills for your reserves will continue to leave yours empty. Perhaps when we are younger nurses this doesn't hit us as much. But as we get older, and the demands of our lives keep growing and accumulate over time, it can. It's probably why many older nurses previously left their jobs - it just got to be too much.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Do what I do OP, when you are out shopping around Christmas time, just pick out what you like, throw it in the cart and tell him they are your gifts from him for christmas and all he has to do is wrap them. Done. I got just what I wanted AND the correct sizes too!

What's the point in that though? Isn't the thought behind the gift the real point not getting stuff?

 

[Nancyg56]

Ah, this makes more sense.....I kept thinking, "Did my post really come across as me being angry and upset?"

Thanks for clarifying.

Not at all, I just am terrible using the phone or iPad to post. I'm glad you said something, I would have not wanted you to think I was saying that to yoy

 

[DawnM]

What's the point in that though? Isn't the thought behind the gift the real point not getting stuff?

Not for me.....and honestly, if he gets me something I don't really want, I feel it is a waste of OUR money. I would much prefer getting exactly what I want, which means either sending him a specific link, or buying it myself.

For me, DH's thoughtfulness is shown in making sure my oil in changed before I drive on a trip, fixing things around the house as needed, etc.....

Not that I always appreciate those things like I should!